AIBU to think this is an overreaction to me being 'flakey'?

[Carrados]

I'm a flakey friend. My friend a week before Christmas invited me and another friend to an event this Friday which has £10 tickets. We both responded that sounds good but didn't discuss buying tickets. I was busy with work before Christmas and my other friend was travelling in NZ. My other friend a week and a half later says 'shall we organise tickets?' And I respond 2 days later (we were in holiday) and said that's a Christmas was a bit more expensive than we thought and I'm short until pay day - could I cancel and can we all get drinks on pay day? I cancelled with 2 weeks notice.

Similarly in Oct same friend organised attending the Friday evening of a week long cocktail event. I cancelled with 4 days notice.

On both events our mutual friend has found someone to replace me and has said from the outset that that was fine (she's very social and her and her friends regularly do this). She's also had to be a bit up in the air with plans as she's working unpredictable days in another city, long days etc.

Over Christmas I was 40 mins late for drinks with a group of friends. I had organised this and was v stressed because this friend didn't have any flexibility with time or date and didn't offer or suggest another time or date in the week we were there over Christmas. I was late because my parents wanted dd for the night, DH then wanted that evening as a date night, and we forgot dad's stuff as we'd taken her on a day out that day.

I know all of this is my fault. I cancelled on the cocktails in October because I'd had a heavy week at work (I was leaving 2 weeks after) and we were all, including this friend, going away for the weekend together the next day. We also saw each other in November and over Christmas, also August and I think September.

I've really struggled to balance work and family life with my new job I started in October. The job is demanding and we had flu then norovirus on the house. My commute is also 3 hours a day and with a toddler waking up at 5.30 in the morning, it was all getting on top of me.

Friend sent me a 300 word message last week and in the message that:

• I was treating her pretty poorly
• She was frustrated at me dropping out on more than one occasion at short notice (for the events listed above)
• That's she guilty of 'trying to make me think'
• That I shouldn't commit with certainty and then drop out
• She had been gracious to me so far but can't be expected to over and over again
• That I need to be fair with my friends (I've checked in and no-one else upset)
• She gave me a list of things that I could and couldn't cancel for and what I should say in "" when responding to an organised event
• she said she understood it was demanding being a parent but that was no excuse for how I'd been treating her

I'm at a loss here. I've responded and said I essentially take her point but feel it's a massive overreaction and going 50 notches ahead of what it needs to. If she'd asked I would have told her that I was struggling to balance everything since starting new job and committed to the things above whilst not realising it's full impact.

I should mention she has form for doing this to other friends. She did it to a close friend who became more distant at uni that 'she deserved more respect than that' and then a few years later told her she'd 'let it go considering the circumstances' that her mother had just died.

I don't know if I can be friends with her anymore and I feel awful for thinking that.

AIBU to think this is an overreaction?

I think you're stock response to an invitation now is - "that sounds great but I'll have to get back to you to confirm" And then make sure that you get back to them after you have properly worked out whether its feasible.

I actually dont think you've been that bad and I would have let it go - and I am definitely not the flakey one in my friendships groups so it wouldnt be quid pro quo. I'm the one that turns up twenty minutes early and scouts out where the loos are . With my friends I do actually accept that kids and work do get in the way occasionally and anyone starting a new job would get more leeway.

Fuck me, a lot of the responses on this thread are why I'm so wary of making new friends and never get involved in friendship groups! It's all so intense and judgemental!

I couldn't be friends with someone who was always trying to organise me into doing things and committing to events. I'd feel the pressure to say yes, and then worry that I wouldn't be up to attending what ever it is.

I can see why your friend would get pissed off if you kept cancelling stuff that you'd committed to (especially ticketed stuff), and if someone let me down a few times with no mitigating circumstances then I wouldn't bother with them again. It doesn't sound like she's giving any thought or empathy to your circumstances, though. Does she have kids?

Anyone who I only knew fairly superficially, though, who started pressuring me to commit to regular events and meetups, wouldn't see me for dust. I'd reply politely saying 'thanks for explaining your feelings on this, sorry I've upset you', and then swiftly phase her out.

All v good points.

We've been friends for almost 2 decades so when I said I expected more understanding in a rough patch, it was because I genuinely thought she'd understand. Also, it's been years since we lived in the same place.

It seems like the opinions are divided on how flakey I am and I think whether flakiness is an issue is a divisive one. But it hurt her and that's what matters here.

To this who've said I'm self-centred. Yeah I have been and this is a wake up call.

By the same city, we both live in greater London but 3 hours journey from each other. It takes me 1.15 hours to get to central and I have been wanting to make friends in my local area as well but struggle because I have a long commute. Also I remember that week that I just really missed my dd and cancelled on friends to put her to bed again that week. I don't have other social plans other than things on the area with DH and dd. No family.

If it helps, I'm incurably flaky, but have loads of friends, who clearly feel I'm worth putting up with my chronic disorganisation.
For people saying it shows lack of respect, that's bollocks. I have plenty of respect, just a terrible short term memory, an inability to judge my own capabilities and fluctuating social anxiety and depression.
It has as much impact on my professional life as my personal life, so believe me, I've tried to improve it.
The only thing I manage reliably is getting my children to school on time.
But my friends seem to feel the positives outweigh that. I'd say along with the 'flakiness' come loyalty, a non-judgemental interest in their lives, a willingness to listen or offer practical help as needed and (hopefully) good company.

Allfednonedead - that's so true about what you said in your last paragraph. Ifeel like in the past I've offered all of that.

Great post Addfed. I have some very flaky friends, but as you say, their positives outweigh it. I don't think it shows a lack of respect either - or it may do, I suppose, if they don't apologise?

Great post allfednonedead.

Honestly...I wouldn't call you flakey jut a working parent. People have to cancel. The world still turns. I get invited to things most of the time I can't go. 2 under 3 and pg with another.dh works away a lot and no family or friends other than the ones doing the inviting to babysit. So I tend to just see people for playmates instead. I have called myself flakey before but my friends haven't said I am they jut say your a mother. Loads of people with nd without kids have cancelled on me and you just accept it.... it's not the end of the world. But I don't rely heavily on my friends. I'm quite a loner and happy to be on my own doing things or just be at home so maybe that's why I feel like that.... I think if your other friends don't seem worried then just let this one friend get on with it. If she has enough friends to replace you when you do cancel she's not exactly lonely is she....

Sounds like you have a sensible plan for going ahead. I agree with saying no more if you don't want to do stuff and only agreeing if you will definitely do it but if you have agreed to go somewhere then that takes priority over any other non-emergency thing.
I disagree that being a parent is an excuse for flakiness. If you find that now you don't like arranging things in advance then you say "I don't like committing to things in advance at the moment as I'm often tired after work, can you just give me a ring if you fancy going out one evening and I'll come if I fancy it and vv."

I have a very flakey friend. She has a busy life, and also has health issues. She lives a few hours away and likes to come stay with me for a couple days a few times a year. We plan these visits months in advance, and she sometimes won't let me know she's not coming until the actual day she should be arriving. There have been times when she's called from her car: "I started out but I feel kinda tired so I'm turning around."

If it were anyone else, I'd be ripshit. But because it's her, and because I know she might flake, we have a different understanding. On her end, she knows I'm not going to do any prep work like scrub the house down or change the sheets in the spare room, etc. She knows I might have appointments, so she needs to be able to keep herself entertained. She's willing to work around whatever I have happening in my life. On my end, I know I won't know until the last minute if she's actually coming or not. I know that I, too, have the option of calling her and saying, "I've changed my mind, don't come." Without any negative fallout.

I love her dearly, so it's okay with me that I can't rely on her to always follow through on planned visits. We both believe that she shouldn't come visit unless it's going to feel fun and easy for both of us. Neither of us has to even explain if we cancel. We don't have the usual expectations of each other. If she flakes, I know it's not about disrespect.

For me, it's just -- that's just who she is. For us to be friends requires that I accept this about her. And I do. In fact, of all the people who like to come visit, she's my favorite because it's just ... easy. And she's one of my dearest friends. I know if I really truly needed her, she'd drop everything and do everything in her power to get to me as soon as she could.

Maybe you can adjust your perception of yourself and your friend's perception of you so that the two of you are allowed the same freedoms. Like, maybe she can view you as the "possible surprise guest" friend -- if you show, great, if not, no big deal. I don't know if that would work in your circumstances, but it's served my friend and me well for over 30 years.

Haven't got time just now to read beyond the OP, but I think you'd be less flakey if you learnt to say no. Not just to your friend, but to your mum and DH. With your DH, if you have committed to something, put it on a calendar for him to see, then he can't make other plans.

one flakey friend whose fun to be with is worth 100 redious timekeeping drones who wither all life out of people who arent like them. At work, for cinema, theatre, or plane yes, a bit of punctual is nice.

For drinks?!?!. 'around 12, we'll be there for an hour or two.

40 mins late for schoolkids who need permission before they speak to each other is bad for adults with grown up skills, its fine.

the real issue here is that timekeeping friend knows very well she should say something sensible like 'you dont usually cancel this much, are you ok?' or 'sorry i get stressed' or 'no worries' and be nice, but the uncomfortableness she has about a 'feelings' conversation or being understanding has transmuted into an 'i'm the boss, she is insubordinate' attitude. aint no body got time for that...

Maybe she's a bit insecure and takes it especially hard when her friends don't make the plans with her a priority to keep? If I'm being honest, I wouldn't have sent the message, but you'd not receive invites anywhere else from me,if I were your friend.

That message is the last opportunity to try and claw back the friendship on her part I would suspect. Its definitely up to you now.

If you care about the friendship. Reply and make sorry. If not, ignore or tell her you think she's out of order.

hungryhippo90 - I have and posted above

TheOtherGalen - our friendship was a bit more chilled like that before and expectations changed when she moved to the same city - I think that might also be at the heart of this. When we met up before she moved it was in a group but we really caught up. I think the expectation was that it would pick up in the same way when she moved but it was just at awful timing with new job.

OP "I don't accept being spoken to like that."

I guess your friend doesn't accept being treated like that. I wouldn't worry about what to do next though. Based on the language of the text she sent you, your friend has already decided to drop you.

You were busy. But maybe your friend was also busy? She managed to keep her commitments to you but you didn't give her the same courtesy. At least 3 times, by your admission. Probably many more, from her perspective.

And you keep saying that you were not close. And yet you made so many plans to see each other within just those 2 months! Sounds like you are trying to downplay the importance of this relationship. Or maybe your friend places more importance in this relationship than you do? Either way, your friend is right -- it's time she lets go of you.

It does sound like you cancel plans a lot which is really irritating. But as a nanny I understand how hard it is being a working mum, I see how tired you guys get trying to do a job and get home in time to see your kids.

So although yes you are being a bit of a pain you also are right that your family and job come first.

misshelena - I gave plenty of notice for each. One I organised the ticket with a friend and the other I didn't even have a ticket for!!

Yes I was late to a group drinks event because we forgot my dd's stuff for staying over at her grandparents.

I haven't said we're not close like that, I've said we haven't had a 1:1 friendship or meet ups - they've always been in a group.

I've explained everything else in pp. Please read i before posting.

OP - Fine. You gave more than plenty of notice and had no way around immediately picking up dd's stuff from grandparents. Same conclusion though -- it's time she let's go of you. Clearly your excuses are not good enough for her or that she is being too demanding.

You did say that you are not close -- at least twice that I've managed to read.

Also, nowhere do the rules state that I have to have read the 200 pages of comments before commenting on your original query. YABU to demand that of me.

I can't believe some people would actually phase out a friend because of this! My friends mean a lot to me and I am certainly more tolerant of their lives than phasing them out for being late/cancelling/not committing occasionally. And I know my closest friends would certainly tolerate that of me and understand that life happens! You don't even sound flakey!!

misshelena - yes actually, we saw each other every month since she moved here and it was usually 1 of 2 social evenings I had per month.

Feel free to filter on this thread.

I would phase them out because to me it's a sign that I want their company more than they want mine, and that they put their convenience above mine.
My friends mean a lot to me, but only if I also mean a lot to them and generally you treat people who are important to you well.
I don't mind someone not committing (although if they never committed to seeing me I'd get the hint) but couldn't be bothered with a recurrent canceller. My friend isn't the only one with a busy life.

I don't think she's been rude, I think she's been honest with you.

Only at page 2, but as far as I'm concerned YANBU and she was bring a self-important over the top cow. You were late for group drinks. No biggie. You kind of agreed to two events then dropped out. You are allowed to change your mind you know.
With kids work etc, friendships have to adjust. She sounds like an idiot tbh. I wouldn't bother trying to justify yourself to her.

Sorry OP, not Rtft!