AIBU to think this is an overreaction to me being 'flakey'?

[Carrados]

I'm a flakey friend. My friend a week before Christmas invited me and another friend to an event this Friday which has £10 tickets. We both responded that sounds good but didn't discuss buying tickets. I was busy with work before Christmas and my other friend was travelling in NZ. My other friend a week and a half later says 'shall we organise tickets?' And I respond 2 days later (we were in holiday) and said that's a Christmas was a bit more expensive than we thought and I'm short until pay day - could I cancel and can we all get drinks on pay day? I cancelled with 2 weeks notice.

Similarly in Oct same friend organised attending the Friday evening of a week long cocktail event. I cancelled with 4 days notice.

On both events our mutual friend has found someone to replace me and has said from the outset that that was fine (she's very social and her and her friends regularly do this). She's also had to be a bit up in the air with plans as she's working unpredictable days in another city, long days etc.

Over Christmas I was 40 mins late for drinks with a group of friends. I had organised this and was v stressed because this friend didn't have any flexibility with time or date and didn't offer or suggest another time or date in the week we were there over Christmas. I was late because my parents wanted dd for the night, DH then wanted that evening as a date night, and we forgot dad's stuff as we'd taken her on a day out that day.

I know all of this is my fault. I cancelled on the cocktails in October because I'd had a heavy week at work (I was leaving 2 weeks after) and we were all, including this friend, going away for the weekend together the next day. We also saw each other in November and over Christmas, also August and I think September.

I've really struggled to balance work and family life with my new job I started in October. The job is demanding and we had flu then norovirus on the house. My commute is also 3 hours a day and with a toddler waking up at 5.30 in the morning, it was all getting on top of me.

Friend sent me a 300 word message last week and in the message that:

• I was treating her pretty poorly
• She was frustrated at me dropping out on more than one occasion at short notice (for the events listed above)
• That's she guilty of 'trying to make me think'
• That I shouldn't commit with certainty and then drop out
• She had been gracious to me so far but can't be expected to over and over again
• That I need to be fair with my friends (I've checked in and no-one else upset)
• She gave me a list of things that I could and couldn't cancel for and what I should say in "" when responding to an organised event
• she said she understood it was demanding being a parent but that was no excuse for how I'd been treating her

I'm at a loss here. I've responded and said I essentially take her point but feel it's a massive overreaction and going 50 notches ahead of what it needs to. If she'd asked I would have told her that I was struggling to balance everything since starting new job and committed to the things above whilst not realising it's full impact.

I should mention she has form for doing this to other friends. She did it to a close friend who became more distant at uni that 'she deserved more respect than that' and then a few years later told her she'd 'let it go considering the circumstances' that her mother had just died.

I don't know if I can be friends with her anymore and I feel awful for thinking that.

AIBU to think this is an overreaction?

I don't really think you were all that flakey tbh. You didn't really commit to the first event and when asked to confirm you turned it down. You gave 4 days notice for the second. Then you were 40 mins late for a group drinks meet up. Its not great but the 40 mins late thing is the worst, and in any group I've gone drinking with there's always one who is decently late.

However I've dropped properly flakey friends who drop out after tickets are bought (and after they've confirmed), cancelled with hours notice or just didn't bother showing up.

Regardless, YANBU in thinking this is overkill from her.

I see a bit of you in me because I'm someone who doesn't like disappointing friends but my ideal evening is simply sit down on a sofa and slowly fall asleep (I'm very much a morning person and after 10PM I normally have a system shut-down). That said, I'm not surprised that my friends normally don't invite me to evening events or concerts. I also have to say that with the time I found that I prefer enjoying those things on my own and rarely go out in a large group.

I'd feel hurt by that message. It is SO HARD juggling family, spouse, work, home, commute, illness. Having any semblance at all of a social life is remarkable.

I have regular times when I can't socialise for a couple of months. I stick a message on Facebook explaining that I'm going underground as it were, then don't feel bad turning down invitations because friends know it is not them, it's my schedule at that point in time.

I think you are lucky your friend has given you a lifeline, it would
have been easier for her to just detach herself and ignore you when you eventually contacted her. Instead she's that decent she has given you a detailed explanation for why she's pissed off with you and you've decided to dismiss her concerns and label her laying her feelings on the line as an over reaction.You need to have a good think about building some bridges with her.

I detest the word 'flakey'. It trivialises a serious character failing.

You're unreliable. If you can't get your act together to keep even a social engagement, you can never be a friend who can be trusted about more serious matters.

Your friend is a drama queen, but when we behave poorly, we invite poor behaviour from others in return.

I'd expect a friend to check in and see how I was doing, express concern that this was unlike me instead of jumping the fun with some really hurtful comments.

And have you checked in with her to see if she's OK? Expressed concern that she is upset? Or jumped the gun and made hurtful comments (on here rather than to her)?

I think the friend is unreasonable for what she put & it sounds like she has form for it. But equally I think the OP is unreasonable for mucking people around several times. I'd be annoyed because I don't do well with changes, but I'd stop making plans with OP & fade out. If OP knows she's struggling with life's circumstances right now then common sense should say that she doesn't make definite plans that she's unlikely to keep.

JaneJeffer - that's what I'm wondering. We weren't super close before but have always got on so this is incredibly sad. I have a lot of mum friends and this isn't issue I.e. It's not taken personally or as disrespect so maybe we gravitate more together because of that.

This has been a huge lesson to me to be better at understanding what I can and can't do.

I'd expect a friend to check in and see how I was doing, express concern that this was unlike me instead of jumping the fun with some really hurtful comments

But it's not unlike you.

You cancelled on her twice and she was gracious about it. But then you were 40 minutes late to something you organised. She's getting tired of being mucked about and told you so.

The thing is we all have busy lives and jobs, many of us have carer responsibilities. So time is precious. People get that sometimes you can't do it all and have to cancel. But cancelling on the same person over and over again is bad form.

I don't like it when people say "oh if she'd said the same things but nicer it would have been ok". I don't even believe it's true.

Instead of concentrating on how she said it, ask yourself is there justice in what she said? What can you do to be less flakey?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks - have apologised to her but said I think it was an overreaction as before Oct was reliable. Yes she went through a bad break up beginning of last year and we met up more and I messaged her more.

Well, I think the acid test is how things move forward now. Now you can clearly see how much you letting her down upsets her, are you still going to do it? Or are you going to make sure that you're more reliable in the future? She's sent you that message because she is extremely hurt by your behaviour. So either apologise and say you won't do it again (and don't), or say sorry but you can't commit to being reliable, and that it's time to move on and find other friends who are happy with a more flexible approach to commitments.

Ultimately you've been pulled up on your bad behaviour and you don't like it. Only you know whether this really is uncharacteristic of you, and therefore a blip that won't happen again, or whether it's just how you operate.

It's an overreaction. I can see both sides: it's reasonable both for you to have to drop out of events because of how busy your life is, and for her to be frustrated by it. If it bothered her enough that she had to raise the issue, though, a friendly face-to-face chat would have been so much better than a critical message.

I had this once from a long-time friend who was also the moderator of an online writing group I used to be in. I'd had a hectic few months and wasn't able to contribute much to it, and I got a nasty email saying that if my reliability didn't improve she'd take steps to remove me from the group. It read like a work disciplinary. Yes, I was being flaky, but as she was a good friend the tone of it really bothered me.

Your friend doesn't sound like a very patient or understanding person. I get frustrated when my friends are late to meet me, because I tend to arrive early and nobody likes standing around waiting for 30 mins+ especially in this weather! But I'd never say anything about it, because I'm sure they're not late on purpose, and I probably do things that annoy them sometimes too.

RhiWrites - yes and I told her that. Have thought about it from her perspective and told her that but I am talking about me because I'm 1/2 of this friendship and I don't accept being spoken to like that.

And to be honest I don't even think you're flakey. If you waited until night before or the day of to cancel I think that would be flakey. But you've given notice days-weeks in advance on these occasions. Any normal person would understand that things come up and that things planned/talked about so far in advance cannot always be followed through on.

And I'd also assume that if someone kept cancelling on me, without having explained that there were proper reasons, that they were trying to fade me out so I wouldn't ask if they were ok because it could have an embarrassing answer. (And I think my serious friends would have made it clear if there was an issue in their lives anyway & would have said 'I'm struggling with x right now so I'll have to let you know by y if we're still on. Is that ok?' And that would be fine because I'd know in advance)

Hmm see your latest posts are all very "me, me, me".

You also don't seem to understand that mentioning something to you and then chasing up if you want tickets is a pain. It's that head space stuff that is so draining.

It does sound like it's been very tough for you but you didn't tell you friend and apologise. You (as mentioned in a previous post) wonder why she didn't ask you what was up.

You do need to take a bit more responsibilty. At the moment you're making your problems her problems and that's quite tiresome and not really reasonable if you're not close enough to talk about things before they get to be a problem.

I think the problem is that she wants a busy social life and needs friends with similar priorities (ie. Going out for cocktails/to concerts is her priority) u have a dh and dc's u are just not on the same page with what is most important to you. Obviously ur family is going to come first. And as for the tickets, if u hadn't actually bought them I don't see the problem, especially over Christmas
Being a friend shouldn't be such hard work I couldn't be friends with someone so anally retentive.
Yanbu

In my world, if people have to cancel a few days before an event, it's no biggie. Cancelling on the day or a few hours before is off, unless they are ill of course. I don't see the cancelling of a suggested event two weeks before, when tickets hadn't been bought as an issue whatsoever, it was a suggestion, it didn't suit, it was dropped. Similarly, if you let someone know on Tue you won't be around for cocktails on Fri as life has got in the way (as it would with a 3 hour commute and a child!) then that's fine as far as I am concerned. The only slightly dodgy one is the 40 min late, although in a big group, we certainly don't all turn up on time, and if someone texted, then it again wouldn't be a huge deal for me.

I don't think you are as flaky as this friend is making out, and I would not personally want to carry on being friends with someone who couldn't be flexible and adapt our pattern of meet-ups when my life went crazy busy.

mrsm43s - no I didn't like it. But as I've said to her there was truth in it. I think you're right. She keeps organising ticketed events and then last minute drinks with other friends. Both difficult for me to commit to. I became really wrapped up in balancing work and family life that I should have been better at saying to her that I can't commit for the near future as things are so hectic. Instead I focussed on feeling that I wanted to see my friends and I would somehow make it work and then realising on the week that it just wouldn't.

Also, if she isn't someone u would spend one on one time with she's probably not a proper friend, more of an aquaintance. I wouldn't get too upset about it just don't bother with her anymore.

The message was worded a bit nastily if that is how she actually put it but she does have a point. I'd be really hurt if you treated me like that and would feel like you were just using me when you felt like it then dropping me for better offers. And it isn't just one off is it? It's a long pattern of behaviour where you do treat people pretty shittily. She is probably trying a last attempt to make you see how your behaviour is affecting her before she ditches you imo. I would be. Couldn't be dealing with a friend who just lets me down all the time and makes me feel crap. That is the opposite of what a friend is supposed to do.

I think her message was mean and excessive. But I do think you need to work on setting boundaries for what you do and don't agree to. FWIW if your 'flakiness' is due to having over committed yourself then that's slightly different to the type of flakiness where you cancel stuff at the last minute because you just cba.
THAT is really rude. We have a flaky friend in our gang who constantly cancels at the last minute. Wouldn't dream od 'phasing her out' etc but simply don't include her in numbers for anything that has to be rebooked/paid unless she actually pays for it herself. She knows she's flaky. Admits herself that she's lazy and sometimes just can't be arsed to get dressed/show up.

I am talking about me because I'm 1/2 of this friendship and I don't accept being spoken to like that.

Did you read what I wrote? Her tone isn't as important as whether what she said was true - and it was.

She probably didn't appreciate being cancelled on like that - 3 times.

have apologised to her but said I think it was an overreaction as before Oct was reliable.

A non-apology then. "Sorry. But yadda yadda" is not a genuine apology.

Being reliable up to October doesn't give you the right to treat people badly from October onwards.