AIBU to think this is an overreaction to me being 'flakey'?

[Carrados]

I'm a flakey friend. My friend a week before Christmas invited me and another friend to an event this Friday which has £10 tickets. We both responded that sounds good but didn't discuss buying tickets. I was busy with work before Christmas and my other friend was travelling in NZ. My other friend a week and a half later says 'shall we organise tickets?' And I respond 2 days later (we were in holiday) and said that's a Christmas was a bit more expensive than we thought and I'm short until pay day - could I cancel and can we all get drinks on pay day? I cancelled with 2 weeks notice.

Similarly in Oct same friend organised attending the Friday evening of a week long cocktail event. I cancelled with 4 days notice.

On both events our mutual friend has found someone to replace me and has said from the outset that that was fine (she's very social and her and her friends regularly do this). She's also had to be a bit up in the air with plans as she's working unpredictable days in another city, long days etc.

Over Christmas I was 40 mins late for drinks with a group of friends. I had organised this and was v stressed because this friend didn't have any flexibility with time or date and didn't offer or suggest another time or date in the week we were there over Christmas. I was late because my parents wanted dd for the night, DH then wanted that evening as a date night, and we forgot dad's stuff as we'd taken her on a day out that day.

I know all of this is my fault. I cancelled on the cocktails in October because I'd had a heavy week at work (I was leaving 2 weeks after) and we were all, including this friend, going away for the weekend together the next day. We also saw each other in November and over Christmas, also August and I think September.

I've really struggled to balance work and family life with my new job I started in October. The job is demanding and we had flu then norovirus on the house. My commute is also 3 hours a day and with a toddler waking up at 5.30 in the morning, it was all getting on top of me.

Friend sent me a 300 word message last week and in the message that:

• I was treating her pretty poorly
• She was frustrated at me dropping out on more than one occasion at short notice (for the events listed above)
• That's she guilty of 'trying to make me think'
• That I shouldn't commit with certainty and then drop out
• She had been gracious to me so far but can't be expected to over and over again
• That I need to be fair with my friends (I've checked in and no-one else upset)
• She gave me a list of things that I could and couldn't cancel for and what I should say in "" when responding to an organised event
• she said she understood it was demanding being a parent but that was no excuse for how I'd been treating her

I'm at a loss here. I've responded and said I essentially take her point but feel it's a massive overreaction and going 50 notches ahead of what it needs to. If she'd asked I would have told her that I was struggling to balance everything since starting new job and committed to the things above whilst not realising it's full impact.

I should mention she has form for doing this to other friends. She did it to a close friend who became more distant at uni that 'she deserved more respect than that' and then a few years later told her she'd 'let it go considering the circumstances' that her mother had just died.

I don't know if I can be friends with her anymore and I feel awful for thinking that.

AIBU to think this is an overreaction?

I have being on the receiving end of flakey friends . Everyone is busy . I manage to maintain friendships while being a lone parent and working etc etc then some of my other friends had children and they seemed to think it fine to ditch me and others and drop out of plans last min as though they were the only ones needing baby sitters etc ( well actually they didn't as they had dhs ) or the only ones who had had a busy day . I actually had a friend just not turn up ( I was making lunch for us and they knew that ) turns out they went shopping instead . Thanks !! it just makes you feel the bottom of the pile , these friends were the ones who would suggest meet ups etc it's not like It was me suggesting and they were trying to phase me out anyway I got bored of it and now stick to people who value my friendship as I do theirs

However you seem a bit like me in that you struggle to say no but you are quite busy and it doesn't fit in . I used to go to most things people asked because I'd feel mean if not but I don't anymore . If I don't want to I will respond with a definite "no" I won't say yes then flake

Just be honest op if you don't have time then that is absolutely fine but other people's free time is precious too and it hurts to be let down

Hmmm, this is a tricky one. I think your friend is trying to communicate with you how your behaviour makes her feel. Maybe she could have been more sensitive about the way she did this, but it's not unreasonable for her to tell you that your failure to show up is upsetting her. Just sending an apology/excuse for not making things isn't necessarily 'enough' to ensure that people who care about you aren't disappointed. An apology is really an acknowledgement of hurt, not a way of avoiding it, IYSWIM.

On the other hand, your friend also sounds as though she's making everything about her in a rather self-centred way! She has chosen to see your behaviour as a lack of 'respect' instead of as the sign that her friend is struggling. I wonder if you need to meet with her and explain how you currently feel - scared, overwhelmed, ill - and that this has absolutely nothing to do with your friendship with her or feelings about her.

I don't know about other 'flakey' people (trying desperately to think of the chocolate rather than skin )
My failings only seem to be ones that will also benefit me, i.e. Seeing friends for fun, nights out, group lunches.
If anyone has any big problems they know they can rely on me then. I literally drop everything - always have, always will.
Also DH and I rarely get an evening, or even a meal at home together due to massively conflicting work schedules so I think I may have a deep rooted need to prioritise time with him when I shouldn't?

Time management is also important-if you're shit at it, it's awful to fit everything in.
Would you miss the friend if she suddenly vanished OP, or would you feel a degree of relief?

My sister does this all the time (cancelling at the last minute, turning up late) - always with an excellent reason. Drives me nuts, I just don't organise anything in advance now, and certainly don't buy tickets. I just feel it's a shame I can't count on her turning up, so don't include her in plans

Hummm it is annoying when you think a friends had committed to something then cancels. Often means you have a night with no plans and too late to make more.

Being 40 mins late then presumably not staying long as you are going on date night makes it look like you are doing them a favour turning up.

This friend is probably trying to establish whether or not you want to be in the friendship. No one wants to feel they are at the bottom of the priories list.

If you want to continue the friendship I would meet up with the friend and not exactly apologize but explain how hectic you are finding life and how you want to proceed.

This sounds overly harsh on you, I'm just putting it from her side.

Something very similar happened to my DSis. She got promoted at work and was then required a lot more and her shifts changed completely. Because of this she had to cancel some preexisting social events (well in advance). Her drama queen friend didn't take well to it but was even more miffed when DSis got a boyfriend.

Sis never neglected her friends for her boyfriend, but dq friend liked to be the only one in a relationship and surrounded herself with single girls, phasing out any that got boyfriends.

Eventually DSis was labelled flakey and sent similar messages, including stuff about how her being a retail manager was nowhere near as important as her other friends jobs, so she wasn't allowed to be flakey because her promotion counted for nothing.

DSis cut contact. Dq friend was a total cunt to her.

You have 2 options - try and repair the damage, but you may find you are bending over backwards to appease her. OR just walk away now and stay in touch with your other friends who are more understanding.

honestly she sounds like bloody hard work.
how much do you care about her?
you have a busy life. does she have a demanding job, husband and child? she sounds like her social life is her #1 priority. for you, understandably, it isn't.

if a good friend was bailing out on me regularly (if doesn't have history for it) i would be concerned that she was struggling/overwhelmed. If it was just her nature i would plan around it, some people are just like it.

personally i couldn't be doing with a high maintenance "me me me" friend like she sounds.

I don't think the OP has cancelled three times at all, one was a discussion decided no as in Jan and expensive, one she cancelled and replacement found in plenty of time and she was 40 min late to a meet up (if in London, that would be entirely normal).

The whole point of friendships is they enhance your life. If this friendship isn't enhancing your life, I'd let it go as you will undoubtedly fail to be the friend this person wants, as you say, which is a cocktail companion and someone to go to events with, which doesn't sound compatible with what you can offer. I do quick and flexible lunches/drinks with friends now at very short notice, as things organized a long time in advance often fall apart due to everyone traveling for work/conferences/childcare issues.

The things the friend said seem quite fair (apart from one or two that I don't quite understand), so I'm not sure why you "can't accept being spoken to like that"

• I was treating her pretty poorly - This is absolutely true
• She was frustrated at me dropping out on more than one occasion at short notice (for the events listed above) - this is totally fair
• That's she guilty of 'trying to make me think' - I don't really understand this one, but it's clear you do need to think about the impact of your behaviour on others -perhaps this is what she was getting at?
• That I shouldn't commit with certainty and then drop out - Absolutely true
• She had been gracious to me so far but can't be expected to over and over again - seems both true and fair
• That I need to be fair with my friends (I've checked in and no-one else upset) - True and fair
• She gave me a list of things that I could and couldn't cancel for and what I should say in "" when responding to an organised event - Don't quite understand this one?
• she said she understood it was demanding being a parent but that was no excuse for how I'd been treating her - Both true and fair.

What in particular about what she said do you dispute or have a problem with?

You do realise you are the one at fault here? Because it doesn't come across as though you do.

I agree with foureyes. I wonder if you have a problem saying no to things and taking on too much and the result is a bit chaotic and comes across as flakey. I think being a mum and starting a job is pretty stressful itself and you need to give yourself more time to adapt to this. You need to be incredibly organised too, and I suspect you need to work at that.

In these circumstances, trying to get a baby to your parents, going out with your friends and having a date night afterwards with your husband is beyond doable, it's just nuts. Having to find someone else to come to an event someone's agreed to and then cancelled is a PITA, (lots of time, money on phonecalls etc...)you should only cancel your friends to an event they have organised in an emergency.

Try to be honest about what you can do and be realistic with yourself. If you can put some time in your diary for socialising and some time in for your husband and agree it with him. (Don't let him hijack your time with your friends.) Decide what you want to do with your friends. (With such little time you might not always want to go to the things she is organising, but things you like to do.) Tell her clearly what you can and can't do in your life at the moment. If she invites you to something, decide whether you can do it and either tell her no, or say yes and commit to it and then don't try to fit in all sorts of other people's demands around it.

I think she's a bit demanding, by the way, but unless you're honest with her and stick to it, I think it won't help.

Good luck

I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself. Working FT, a long commute, motherhood, a marriage and running a home are all bloody exhausting. So I can see why maintaining a full social life is a struggle. I can see that she is hurt, but to be honest, your friend sounds like hard work. A weekend away and a drinks meet up the night before? I can see why your DH was annoyed. The word "no" is your friend. Don't commit to any further events unless you are sure you can attend (and that you genuinely want to go). . You may lose some friends, but you can probably do without the drama llamas

You need to plan better. Either you commit or don't. Sometimes when life gets busy in other directions you don't have time to maintain as many friendships as you'd like. That's just the way it is.
I wouldn't have sent you the message, but I wouldn't invite you out again. It comes across as you don't value your friends.
Commit to less.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut - because I am talking about me on this forum.

I can see what you mean about being the organiser and chasing things - that's something I v selfishly didn't think about.

@carrados I don't think you need to feel bad at all. She could have messaged you and said "hey I noticed you had been dropping out of a few meet ups and was wondering if you were okay?" Or anything along those lines. She however used this to make it all about her and didn't even bother to see if anything was going on.

mrsm43s - because it went from 0 to 100. It jumped to conclusions and was a lecture.

Personally I think being understanding about difficult circumstances and giving people the benefit of the doubt is just as important as being reliable and punctual. Maybe since the relationship is one you describe as superficial, it is very much about meetings and activities for your friend rather than any deeper feeling. In which case it sounds unsuitable for you right now, or at least something to cut down to very occasional meetings.

I think her message sounds very patronising. I would tell her that you are struggling to balance commitments right now and will probably not have much time to meet up for a while.

OP, I can see where you're coming from. I've been a flaky friend in my time; most of my best friends are flaky. It suits us all to know that we want to see each other and love meeting up when we can, but life is complicated, work is knackering, etc. I think it's important to be able to give your mates a bit of leeway, and in my experience they really appreciate the understanding.

Seems like you've given your friend plenty of notice on most occasions you've cancelled, so I don't even think you've been that flaky. Turning up late & leaving early - to one group thing, once - meh, big deal. The fact she's trying to dictate which of your excuses are 'acceptable' and what you're allowed to say to her when cancelling makes me think she's a bit unhinged, frankly. I'm embarrassed for her.

The friends I've been happy to lose touch with over the years have been the ones who've been extremely rigid and hectored me about the seriousness of my obligations to them. If a friendship comes with that many rules and regs, it's not going to be a whole lot of fun.

I think the language she used makes me thinks she isn't very immature and has definitely overshared. You don't seem to have an ability to be realistic about what you can achieve in your time.

Just taking the drama out of it, what she's actually saying is. "I was sad you didn't make it to x event again. I've noticed this happening a few times in recent months. I want this to change."

So how about responding. "I'm sorry over the past few months I've not been the usual supportive friend I like to be. I'm struggling right now with my new job on top of everything else and am needing support and understanding myself."

You give her something back to think about. And it gives you some breathing space to decide whether or not you wish to continue this friendship or if you wish to call it a day. In this message you aren't accusing her of anything or excusing your behaviour. Or hers for her shitty message.

I meant isn't very mature.

I can see why you would be upset, but I have to be honest if you were my friend you'd do my head in!

Using the term "flakey" minimises the impact your lack of respect, consideration and understanding has on friends. I totally get that life is busy, and it's hard fitting everything in around family, children, work, commuting etc. But it's far better to say "No I can't make that" or "Thanks for inviting me, but I won't be able to commit to that" than taking up every invitation and then cancelling or arriving late because you've overbooked yourself.

Is she overreacting? Hard to say without hearing both sides of the story and I bet there's a whole lot more to this than just these few incidents. In my experience, 'flakey' people tend to underestimate just how much they cancel, forget, arrive late, muck up everyone else's plans.

Have a think about how much this friendship means to you - if it's not much then let the message go, step back and detach. If it's important then apologise, meet for coffee to discuss it and make an effort not to mess people about. If you know you're a flake then MANAGE your behaviour, don't just potter on through life expecting people to accept it because "Oh everyone knows Carrados is such a flakey friend, it's just the way she is" because sooner or later people's patience runs out and you'll find yourself with no social life.

I think most people wouldn't bother giving you a lecture - the would read the signs and you'd find you were not invited much again.

At least you have the chance to realise.

We all have times in our lives when we feel bit overwhelmed with all the commitments we have - especially when starting a new job. So I massively sympathise with you.
I can also see why your friend is frustrated. Though if you have only been late/cancelling things since October that is very quick for her to be annoyed! Perhaps it's your variety of reasons for the lateness/cancellations which is particularly hurtful to her? New job, lack of money, date night and babysitting issues are all valid excuses, however, I can see how from her point of view there is always a reason why you can't see her. She probably feels worried that you aren't bothered about her any more.
Just give her a call and say how sorry you are that you've been a bit flakey recently. Explain all the pressures in your life. If she is a good friend she'll understand and she'll appreciate the reassurance you still want to spend time with her. Also, make sure you organise something asap - could just be a quick drink one evening. Don't leave all the arrangements to her.
Good luck!

Sidge - Foureyesarebetterthantwo and SoEverybodyDance put it best. Yes I need to learn to do that (and I've damn well learnt my lesson from this message) but I find it a very hurtful attitude to have to me. This friend is an old friend who I would see maybe 3-4 times a year before she moved to the same city last Sept. It's a lot of pressure to put on me and could have been handled better considering I) there isn't a long history of my flakiness and II) she's just moved here.

And Sidge - it is a few incidences.

I wouldn't waste too much time worrying we all have to cancel plans sometimes, a decent friend would understand. Not everyone's life's can be micro managed. She doesn't sound like a good friend she sounds quite controlling as do some of the pp's on here.