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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel successful?

177 replies

DaftJelly · 11/01/2017 07:43

I don't really. But I'm sliding into depression and doing a 'count your blessings' exercise.

Reasons to feel successful/worthwhile.

I have three great kids who do well at school and have lots of friends.

I live in a beautiful house and have spent the last couple of weeks tidying it to within an inch of its life.

Dh is wonderful and we have a lovely marriage.

We have enough money for extras most of the time.

I've lost two and a half stone in the last few months.

I get out of bed every day and get all three kids to school, ds2's school run is a two mile round trip and I walk it with the dog 😇

I usually cook a decent evening meal.

I haven't had a drink since the day before NYE.

These are the things I'm focusing on today (while trying to ignore all the terrible things about me).

Anyone else? It's a really useful exercise. And this is prime depression time for a lot of people.

OP posts:
SpookyPotato · 11/01/2017 13:37

Good idea OP, sometimes we need to remind ourselves. I find being off facebook has helped me count my blessings too, otherwise I am constantly feeling inferior! Keep feeling positive.

Mine would be:
Live in our own cosy little flat
Can pay all the bills
I am lucky to have a gorgeous toddler and baby on the way
Paid a lot of debt off
Partner is my best friend
The sky is really beautiful right now
I have managed to wash up today
My hotel chocolat free sample arrived this morning!

Therealloislane · 11/01/2017 13:40

Well done op.

I recently lost a relative to alcohol dependency. She was only 46 & is sorely missed evert day.

I wish she'd have been able to asked for help, I wish she was writing a thread on mumsnet & that she'd have been able to have beaten the illness that took her life.

You're doing brilliantly, keep going Flowers

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/01/2017 13:45

Walter I have apologised and explained to the OP who was gracious about it. It is fuck all to do with you.

I am not actually goading, I'm explaining to the hard of understanding why I said what I did. So fuck off yourself with your faces too.

PurpleDaisies · 11/01/2017 13:46

Well this is a lovely positive thread, just as the op wanted.

How about leaving the sniping at everyone now and letting the thread get back to wha it was supposed to be?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/01/2017 13:48

OP I apologise again. I will go now as obviously I'm getting some people a little wound up.

Good luck Flowers

ladymariner · 11/01/2017 13:59

Gorgeous ds who has almost finished uni and is doing brilliantly
Fabulous dh who I love with all my heart
Some great friends.....not as many as years ago but you learn with age and experience that it's quality, not quantity
Trying (again!) to lose weight.....an ongoing task!
Homemade chicken soup for lunch
Warm house and food on the table.....never going to be a domestic goddess but can live with that, it's tidy.
Ongoing battle with the black dog, the little bastard appears when I'm least expecting him but feel as though I'm on top at last.
Trying not to give a fuck about the opinions of others, not easy but I'm getting there

That's my list of positives, like the op I too could write a list of negatives but that's not the point of the thread!

CaraAspen · 11/01/2017 14:00

I wish posters would behave in a more becoming fashion and stop telling other people to F off. It is so juvenile.

PeppaAteMySoul · 11/01/2017 14:09

Great idea OP I think it would help me to do also as I'm having an awful time of it at the moment. So:

  • I have a lovely DP who is everything I ever wanted and never thought I'd have.
  • I have two healthy beautiful children
  • We have enough money to get by.
  • I have a supportive wider family.
TooSmittle · 11/01/2017 14:14

Thank you so much for this thread OP, I think it's wonderful. I truly love hearing your successes (and those of everyone else), there's a lot to be proud/happy/thankful for on here. Particularly well done for recognising your imminent slump and taking steps to counter it. That's amazing and proof of how far you've come.

It's also been a little eye opening for me as I tried to come up with my own list and found myself caveating everything, or apologising for things, or doing that "it'll be fine when..." thing. I've suffered with depression in the past and my inability to do this is a bit of a red flag. I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't posted this today. Thank you.

justforthisonce · 11/01/2017 14:30

Op I'm sorry for offending you and others with my comment . I did not comment on your mental health issues just with the wording of your post in particular the title. Of course you should feel successful with your achievements .
I work with very vulnerable members of society who would give their back teeth to have what you have .
I personally think it's a bit self indulgent putting that exercise on a public forum especially as it could actually upset those less fortunate than yourself by highlighting the lack in their lives .
A lot of posters have given your exercise a lot of support.
Whilst I do not agree with your methods of posting , I wish you all the best with your mental health and I'm sorry for causing you any upset .

Newyear4me · 11/01/2017 14:47

Great idea OP.

As for the posters not wanting anyone to post a different lifestyle/ set of circumstances because it will be upsetting for those morons who compare themselves and compete against every single person around them. Get a reality grip! There is a zillion billion people in the world living a zillion billion different lifestyles and circumstances.

Life is hard enough. And it's even worse when people like you try to steal the joy out of people having some happiness i.e. How dare you be happy about getting a new car, when I don't have one. Grow up!

Katy07 · 11/01/2017 15:21

I think the point of counting your blessings can be to count small things too, not just 'my large amazing house' (not that I have one!)
^^ This. I've always thought that counting your blessings is about recognising the little things in your life when it all feels a bit like hard work. Not the big material possession or "aren't I better than everyone else" sort of ideas. I get that the OP is aiming for the same end result but I think maybe titling it 'AIBU to feel successful' and detailing her nice house, wonderful marriage etc. comes across wrong regardless of the rest. If I was detailing (for myself only) why I'm lucky I'd probably include that I've got a lovely house but I'd be seeing it from a viewpoint of having a safe place & a roof over my head regardless. It's recognising the luck rather than any success.

TheStoic · 11/01/2017 15:23

I think whatever the OP needs to do to stay afloat is fine with me.

Katy07 · 11/01/2017 15:23

If it had been entitled 'list of positives' and hadn't included the beautiful house it might have read better.

JaxingJump · 11/01/2017 15:25

Why be so spiteful of someone having a nice house. I don't think it's illegal or insensitive to have a nice house. Lucky maybe.

TheStoic · 11/01/2017 15:25

It read fine to me. I hope she got what she needed from the thread, and wasn't put off.

Original poster
DaftJelly · 11/01/2017 15:38

FOr a start I didn't say anything about a large amazing house. I said it was beautiful. Which it is (to me).

As for the rest, my main area of self hate at the moment comes from feeling like a failure and a burden. Reframing it as successful and worthwhile is really helpful for me (I don't believe it but I can write it and keep saying it until it feels real). I'm sorry if it came off as insensitive, but literally everybody could post something they are proud of that someone else doesn't have, if you think about it.

OP posts:
Katy07 · 11/01/2017 15:44

It's the focus on 'success' rather than 'luck'. To me it suggests a feeling of superiority and comparison against others. Focussing on luck or the positives in your life make it more about you as the individual, and that for me is healthier, particularly when you're trying to reframe the negatives, because you're not risking assessing yourself against others and coming up wanting.

YouHadMeAtCake · 11/01/2017 15:45

You didn't come off as insensitive at all OP. Ignore the naysayers. It's ridiculous to say that you or anyone can't write about having a nice house/great marriage/lovely children etc because it may upset others who don't have those things. That's not real life. If we go by that, nobody can say they're pregnant, going on holiday, buying a car or new house etc because of the people that it may upset. Crazy.

JaxingJump · 11/01/2017 15:50

Katy I think you have your own agenda here with that age old mn debate about success or luck. Start a separate thread if you want to pick that bone. This thread isn't a suitable place, even if you dress it up as helping the OP.

pumpkinpie5 · 11/01/2017 15:52

I agree with the op, and didn't think for a se one that it was stealth boasting. I suffer from depression too and writing a list of positives at the end of each day is something my counsellor suggested to me and which helps me feel in control of my thoughts at the end of each day. It has definitely had a positive impact on my mental health.

My list today is as follows;

  • got up and made dd lunchbox for school and got her ready and hair done before neighbour took her in.
  • took dog out for an hours walk despite recovering from flu and feeling shattered
  • talked to two fellow dog walkers I met whilst out, and enjoyed conversation.
  • dd gave me a hug hug when I picked her up from school and made me smile.

I am also grateful that I have a job that allows me to pay the mortgage and make sure dd and I are safe and secure.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/01/2017 15:52

You have no right to tell the OP what she should consider as a personal success, Katy.

corythatwas · 11/01/2017 15:55

Katy, the drawback with focusing on "luck" rather than on "success" is that it is not going to make the OP to fight her feelings of lack of self worth or making her feel less of a failure or burden.

From her perspective, it's the fact that she is still standing that matters; that is what she has to focus on, even if it's something seemingly insignificant like cooking a meal for her family. Even the beautiful house was quite clearly mentioned in the context of the OP having spent weeks tidying it and making it look nice.

Whoever pulled themselves out of the kind of I-don't-deserve-to-be-happy depression the OP describes by saying "look how lucky I've been, everything has just fallen into my lap"?

TheCaptainsCat · 11/01/2017 15:58

I can't believe how awful people are being here - why shouldn't someone post a list of positives about their life, if it is helpful to them? Presumably it is preferable to them that others wallow in negativity as they obviously do.

Also, I count owning a good sized house that I love as a huge positive/'blessing' in my life. It is something not many if my peers have, and makes such a big difference to my security and happiness. I feel very very fortunate.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you posted OP, and didn't at all read is as bragging.

EssentialHummus · 11/01/2017 15:59

When you're feeling low, it can be hard to come up with something to write in a list like that - when I did something similar when depressed, my list one day included 5-ish minutes playing with someone else's random Staffie in a park Confused. There is nothing wrong with the OP taking pride in her house - maybe she worked hard to buy it, or renovate it, or just set things up in a way that works for her and her family.

There are lots of threads about where you can gleefully pick apart the OP's word choice, lifestyle, concerns etc. This one really doesn't need that treatment.