Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

unhappy re stairgates...

218 replies

happybunnyme · 10/01/2017 21:55

Mil wants ds (17m) at her house but wont get stairgates as it will 'ruin' her decor....

Our sil has told her to use a pressure attached stairgate rather than one you screw to the wall and has given her one that she doesnt use (its for the top of the stairs!)

My understanding is that the pressure fitted ones are not safe for tops of stairs as;

  • the bottom bar of the frame creates a tripping hazzard
  • they can fall down when pushed against

Its not my sil whose child will be affected (mil goes to their house) so im pissed off she got involved.

Aibu to insist on a safe gate or refuse her having him?

OP posts:
SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 11/01/2017 10:18

I found stairgates useful for a short window of time when the DCs were getting mobile and learning to master the stairs. It didn't take long for them to become competent. Other than that, they've been kept up at the top for crowd control at night to allow access to the bathroom, but not downstairs.

Many people live safely without stairgates because the design of the stairs doesn't accommodate them.

Expecting someone to damage their decor for the sake of a random overnight visit and some intermittent visits is unreasonable.
The point about secured TVs and furniture is a pertinent one.

When the DCs go visiting to their GM, I'm more concerned about unsecured furniture on wonky floorboards than the multiple staircases of steep, uneven ancient stairs.

ticklingafoot · 11/01/2017 10:40

The reports aren't wrong. They advise against pressure fitted ones at the top of the stairs for the reasons you've stated.

Just because someone has used them in this manner without any problem does not remove the danger.

I wouldn't have my dc over without at least a stair gate at the bottom of the stairs. This is what I have at home and then gates on the dcs rooms. We couldn't get one at the top of the stairs, not for want of trying believe me. Now I'm just showing my children safe ways to get down the stairs.

Looneytune253 · 11/01/2017 10:42

Could the gate not just go at doorway of room he will be in?

HardofCleaning · 11/01/2017 10:49

YANBU to not want to trust a pressure fitted stair gate if it doesn't meet your safety standards but YABVU to be annoyed at SiL for offering it - surely she was trying to help?

Surely she can put the stargaze at the bottom of the stairs and just never have DC upstairs unsupervised?

MrsRobinson79 · 11/01/2017 10:51

My eldest fell down the stairs after leaning on a pressure stair gate - I didn't realise they weren't suitable for the top. She wouldn't have fell if there was no gate - she was always very careful on stairs. It gave her (and us) a false sense of security. With our second we have no gate at the top -only at the bottom. We just make sure she is supervised if upstairs. So I'd just say don't have a gate.

WannaBe · 11/01/2017 11:03

My PFB is now fourteen and when I look back I cringe at some of the things which I thought I could demand of other people and thought were perfectly reasonable but were in fact me being precious. Blush

As for the people saying that those who haven't had accidents have just been lucky, what rubbish. We take risks every single day of our lives, when we get in the car, cross the road, eat a sandwich which could prove to be a choking hazzard. The fact is your child is far more likely to die in a car crash than fall down the stairs after having pushed through the pressure stair gate, even with a car seat in place. And yet I don't see people saying that if your baby hasn't died yet it's because you've just been lucky and shouldn't be so complacent.

Even in my PFB moments it never occurred to me to demand that my parents fit stairgates to be allowed to look after DS. I knew they would supervise him closely enough and that the time spent there was minimal compared to the time he was at home.

But I find it remarkable that all these objections are being levelled at MILs. OP as the mother of a DS, you do realise that this conversation will be being had about you in 30 years time?

budgiegirl · 11/01/2017 11:13

She is likely to be very complacent with supervising. She doesnt pay attention

This is your problem, not the lack of a stair gate.

If you don't think your MIL pays enough attention, then you shouldn't leave your child with her, stair gate or not.

And YABVU to be pissed off at your SIL, who is only trying to help.

JassyRadlett · 11/01/2017 12:21

As for the people saying that those who haven't had accidents have just been lucky, what rubbish. We take risks every single day of our lives, when we get in the car, cross the road, eat a sandwich which could prove to be a choking hazzard.

Indeed. But where you have chosen to install a gate specifically to reduce risk, to decide to use it in a way that is more risky than other options is just bizarre in terms of risk management.

Using a product to reduce risk in a way that is identified as higher-risk? Bonkers. You're using a product to do a job it isn't designed for. That it hasn't failed to do that job isn't the result of informed risk-taking, it is indeed luck.

Your comparisons don't withstand logical examination, unfortunately. If you'd said 'taking the risk of driving a car, and using a car seat to reduce the risk, but deciding to install it incorrectly because it was more convenient or pretty' you'd be closer to a true comparison of risk evaluation.

Mistletoetastic · 11/01/2017 12:33

Can your MIL stay at your house when you are in labour?

Megatherium · 11/01/2017 12:39

The thing is, though, that even ROSPA doesn't say that pressure gates shouldn't be used at the top of the stairs, it just says that fixed gates are preferable and that there have been accidents if they're not fixed properly. There has to be recognition of the fact that there are circumstances where a wall-mounted gate just can't be provided. In the same way as there are car accidents if cars aren't driven properly, but that doesn't generally stop any of us using them regularly.

FeralBeryl · 11/01/2017 12:43

Did DH regularly fall downstairs as a child?
My DM scoffed at the idea of gates when she rarely had mine as tinies because as she pointed out 'she would be looking after them, not leaving them to wrestle a gate off'
Non of them ever fell.
We had a fixed gate at the top. It's taken a fucking big chunk out of the wall on removal and we can't get the same wallpaper now either.
It's meant to be there as a deterrent - not something to be pushed against for a prolonged period of time. YABU - be careful not to alienate her, once you have 2 DCs your standards will slip and you'll be glad of any help she can offer Wink

JassyRadlett · 11/01/2017 13:05

There has to be recognition of the fact that there are circumstances where a wall-mounted gate just can't be provided.

Indeed, but as I've said previously I'm responding to the 'pressure gates at the top of stairs are TOTALLY FINE and JUST AS SAFE' posters. Who are frankly talking out of their arses.

Most of the manufacturers say in their instructions or on their websites that their pressure gates are not designed or recommended for the top of stairs. Using a safety product in a way the maker of the product says isn't recommended as safe? Can't get my head around that logic.

dingalong · 11/01/2017 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SEsofty · 11/01/2017 14:02

If it is just one night, when would he be unsupervised. If he is in a cot and can't climb out then isn't going to be walking around upstairs by himself.

We don't have stair gates at all

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 11/01/2017 14:13

I'm with dingalong here. Stair gates are ok but I'd rather teach a child to be safe coming down stairs. As soon as they're crawling confidently teach them to turn round at the top of the stairs and comedown backwards on their tummies. You will find they then do this for every drop they come across- getting off a sofa or a steep front step etc. Much safer I think.

Quartz2208 · 11/01/2017 14:25

I dont like stairgates at the top of the stairs I think they are a trip hazard to adults and older children. Never had them prefer supervision and teaching how to be safe on the stairs (even so DS has shock horror fallen down the stairs twice on his tummy) but surely the solution is just to put one at the bottom of the stairs therefore limiting him to the bottom. That should be sufficient for trips round there.

If he is staying over when you are in labour then are you afraid of him tripping down the stairs at night? Presumably given he will be under 2 at the time of you giving birth a travel cot should keep him safe in those circumstances.

Accidents do happen very few child survive toddlerhood without falling on the stairs, bed, sofa but very rarely is it anything other than a short lived crying and pain.

StandardNameHere · 11/01/2017 14:38

It is true that the pressure gates are not recommend for the top of the stairs.. Although millions are used with no problems.. I'd say a pressure gate is better than no gate!

StarlingMurderation · 11/01/2017 14:44

YANBU imo. The advice is to avoid pressure gates at the top of stairs, though lots of people do use them. I don't think you're being PFB, and moe than wanting to use a carseat is being PFB.

Original poster
happybunnyme · 11/01/2017 14:56

So, from reading the whole thread there are clearly two schools of thought...

  • those who are educated on the facts and have bothered to read the reports and wouldnt have a pressure gate at the top of the stairs because they are not safe for that purpose
  • those who aren't educated in the facts and have either not bothered with gates at all or have used pressure ones... but because nothing bad has happened (yet) it must be ok. For these people ignorance is obviously bliss...

Frankly the latter are bloody lucky that nothing bad has happened.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 11/01/2017 15:01

OP that is such a knobbish post ......

MiddleClassProblem · 11/01/2017 15:01

happybunnyme you're vile!

Just because some of us don't use gates fines mean we're ignorant. Houses are all different. DD never uses the stairs without me. We have a set up where it's impossible for her to do so.
You really are judgemental and short sighted. I'm sure you attempt to excuse your behaviour with your pregnancy hormones but I, nor any one I know, acted so bloody self righteous.

Enjoy your bubble. Don't come on here if you're not looking for different views.

Treaclex · 11/01/2017 15:04

Happybunnyme to insinuate those who have a different train of thought to you are idiots is quite pompous. It's not about luck it's about risk assessing and getting it right stair gates can and do cause risks sometimes the risks of having stair gates are greater than having no stair gate.Maybe you should look at all the advice given to you after all you've had some cracking advice however you are still unreasonable.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/01/2017 15:06

Also, my friends DS figured out how to open the stair gate at 20 months. So what do you do then? Maybe get a grip and think that the whole world isn't identical to yours.

SpookyPotato · 11/01/2017 15:06

Erm... Okay I take back my nice post. You are very judgemental, difficult and pretty nasty.

FeckinCrutches · 11/01/2017 15:07

WHY CANT MIL PUT IT ON THE BEDROOM DOOR?? I wouldn't want a bloody stairgate screwed into my walls either for one night.

Swipe left for the next trending thread