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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

unhappy re stairgates...

218 replies

happybunnyme · 10/01/2017 21:55

Mil wants ds (17m) at her house but wont get stairgates as it will 'ruin' her decor....

Our sil has told her to use a pressure attached stairgate rather than one you screw to the wall and has given her one that she doesnt use (its for the top of the stairs!)

My understanding is that the pressure fitted ones are not safe for tops of stairs as;

  • the bottom bar of the frame creates a tripping hazzard
  • they can fall down when pushed against

Its not my sil whose child will be affected (mil goes to their house) so im pissed off she got involved.

Aibu to insist on a safe gate or refuse her having him?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 10/01/2017 23:22

Yes clearly very very subtle. Maybe just say that then.

RainbowJack · 10/01/2017 23:28

Your partner seems to have survived her negligent parenting.

Stairgates are not a necessity.

YABU for Aibu to insist on a safe gate or refuse her having him?

StinkyMcgrinky · 10/01/2017 23:30

We had pressure fit stair gates as we are in rented accommodated and unable to drill into walls. No trips, no falls and they didn't budge. DS, however, learnt to open them so now we have no gates. He can climb up and down the stairs safely and is never in supervised.

Neither of his grandparents have stairgates, nor would I expect them to.

Not that you actually do really care about what any else is saying, you've clearly made your mind up about MIL, have responded to the one poster who agreed with you but ignored the many many others that have tried to reassure you regarding gate safety.

ijustwannadance · 10/01/2017 23:40

We let DD go up and down the stairs supervised as soon as she was able so that just on the off chance she did get upstairs alone she would know how to get down. The only reason I relented and got a gate downstairs was to stop other people's kids going up there!
The top of our stairs curves round so can't have a gate there. Once she'd moved into toddler bed we put it on her bedroom door.

She has also regularly stayed at both grandparents houses, neither of which have had stairgates.

MotherofA · 10/01/2017 23:50

My Mother has all her grandchildren, never had safety gate . They watch them and close the doors etc . If this was going to be a weekly / regular arrangement I would understand but for a one off when in labour it seems a little excessive .

JassyRadlett · 10/01/2017 23:54

If pressure fitted gates were unsuitable or unsafe, they wouldn't be on the market, or would be sold with massive warnings about using them at the top of the stairs.

Almost every bit of guidance/instructions I've found both independent (Which? guide) and retailer/manufacturer (Argos, Tesco, Linda, others) state very clearly that pressure gates shouldn't be used at the top of stairs.

Just because people haven't had accidents using them incorrectly doesn't make them right. It makes them lucky.

(I have only one stairgate on 2 flights of stairs but that's our choice and knowing our own 1 year old. I'm not a massive cheerleader for unnecessary stairgates but for god's sake, if your going to invest in a safety device surely it's sensible to use it as safely as possible?)

dalmatianmad · 10/01/2017 23:55

Are you being a bit precious op? Every parent I know has a pressure fit stair gate at the top of their stairs Hmm

kel12345 · 10/01/2017 23:57

I would insist on stair gates tbh. I hate pressure fit ones so we only have screw in ones. But any type gate is better than none

madcatwoman61 · 11/01/2017 00:00

I'm a bit depressed by the number of people on MN who have been mothers for a little over a year and believe that their DM/MIL, who has presumably brought up living children to adulthood, have no idea how to keep children safe

CheshireChat · 11/01/2017 00:07

I agree about the playpen, then there's no need for a stairgate at the top. It's actually the setup I have in my own home with a two year old.

scottishdiem · 11/01/2017 00:09

"I'm a bit depressed by the number of people on MN who have been mothers for a little over a year and believe that their DM/MIL, who has presumably brought up living children to adulthood, have no idea how to keep children safe"

This

On some of the conversations on MN I do wonder how we ever got over climbing down from the trees.

Sunnysidegold · 11/01/2017 00:09

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.rospa.com/rospaweb/docs/advice-services/home-safety/rospa-home-safety-position-statements.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwiVtYGQ5bjRAhXLAsAKHZyQBwcQFggaMAA&usg=AFQjCNHhPib7x3PDCpBDyPLdIsWKDWDTkg" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.rospa.com/rospaweb/docs/advice-services/home-safety/rospa-home-safety-position-statements.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwiVtYGQ5bjRAhXLAsAKHZyQBwcQFggaMAA&usg=AFQjCNHhPib7x3PDCpBDyPLdIsWKDWDTkg

Pages 22-23 of this report from September2014 discusses stairgates. We fitted a screwed one at the top of the stairs but mostly because I'm a clumsy fool who would trip over anything. You do need to make sure they are screwed in properly especially if it's just a stud wall. We put pressure ones in the doorway to.hall and kitchen and these were pretty secure. Maybe just put a pressure one into the doorway to hall or the room.ehere he is . sleeping?

Sunnysidegold · 11/01/2017 00:10

Meant to say this backs up op's information

plimsolls · 11/01/2017 00:23

This is slightly missing the point (I think) but surely the tripping thing is more of a hazard for adults? The ones who are going through the stair gate frequently? OPs little boy wouldn't be in danger of tripping on the bar because he'd be being helped through the gate by an adult so if he stumbled, someone would have hold of him.

I get why posters wouldn't want the trip hazard ones in their own homes for daily use but I don't understand why the tripping thing is an issue for OP.

AndNowItsSeven · 11/01/2017 00:23

What bottom bar? Ours are pressure fit with no bottom bar. Lindam.

minipie · 11/01/2017 09:34

plimsolls Yes the tripping is more for adults. But the adult could be carrying the child. And if an adult is alone with the child in the house and trips and falls down the stairs, the child is in trouble...

minipie · 11/01/2017 09:35

Just to clarify, I mean the child is in trouble because if the adult is incapacitated by their fall there will be noone to look after the child.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/01/2017 09:39

How so pressure got work without a bottom bar? I can't picture the physics

reallyanotherone · 11/01/2017 09:40

We never had stairgates. At all.

Stairgates at the top of the stairs are dangerous- if the child tries to climb over he's going to fall from an even higher height doen the stairs. As mine were climbers we went with supervision instead.

So yes yabu. It is perfectly possible to keep children safe without stairgates. Presumably your mil is able to supervise him, and not leave him running round by himself.

Pengweng · 11/01/2017 09:48

I wouldn't use a pressure gate at the top of the stairs.

However we had a similar problem at my inlaws house so we got one of these travel gates and they put it at the bottom of the stairs when they were downstairs and across the door of the room they were sleeping in when they went to bed. This worked for us as i knew they couldn't get out of their room (at least not without considerable noise from climbing out of travel cots and scaling the gate) and it stopped them going up and down the stairs when they were downstairs.

www.kiddicare.com/p/Lindam_Flexiguard_Portable_Safety_Barrier_71cm_to_92cm.htm?product_id=561041&utm_source=pla&affiliate=KC-google-shopping&gclid=Cj0KEQiAzNfDBRD2xKrO4pSnnOkBEiQAbzzeQSbbvN4iMUxFGU0OHIbO-ZH2TDAhUHLFV5LuS_Y8yzkaArHg8P8HAQ&gclsrc=aw.ds

chocdonutyy · 11/01/2017 09:52

I had a pressure fit stair gate at the top of our stairs when DD was little, worked fine as dd was dinky and not a climber.
However nephew was quite the opposite and in an attempt to open it shook it a bit hard and the thing flew down the stairs!
Did more damage to the walls than fitting a normal one would have and in theory could have really hurt him or anyone else on the way down.
Think they were around 3 then so after that I just removed the gate altogether.

MiaowTheCat · 11/01/2017 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Treaclex · 11/01/2017 09:59

Surely the answer to your problem is that MIL comes to your house to watch DS whilst you are in labour ? That way your DS is in his natural surroundings. As for stairgates I detest them and think they actually cause way more accidents than they prevent. I think YABU to expect somebody to drill holes on their walls for 1 night.

Isadora2007 · 11/01/2017 10:04

Four kids. No stair gates.

YABU. Very.

mummyof2pr · 11/01/2017 10:14

I think YANBU about wanting your child to be safe when staying at MIL house. However don't always trust reports online because some/most are often due to people who do not install products correctly or just rare bizarre situations.
I do however think YABU about being mad at your SIL. I think she was trying to help make sure your needs were met and that MIL still felt happy about her home decor. Maybe she didn't know how you felt about these gates? Either way I think it was kind of her to try to reach a compromise for the two of you