To feel sad at how quickly my dc are growing up.

[cookieswirls]

Just checked in on my dd who is 5 and couldn't believe how grown up she looks. I still see her as my baby even though I have 11 month old twins too but I think the past year she has just changed and grown up so much! When I was out earlier I saw a friend who said how much she has grown up and now I'm seeing it too. My twins are also growing rapidly and although I certainly do not want to go through the newborn stage again, looking back it did seem really lovely. I'm sad how quickly life flys by

She wants it deleting because it blew up in her face.

Diddums.

I am appalled at her responses both to Navy and Minmooch.

And to the pile-in supporting those comments.

Navy "time flies" is not a sentiment you're going to escape from anywhere.

I for one would very much welcome a serious discussion (on a new thread obviously) about the way in which bereaved parents are subtly excluded from many aspects of life. I could see a fruitful campaign on the whole "hiding" aspect.

We live in a death-denying grief-denying society which is why this thread went wrong.

Half the time it isn't even subtle exclusion.

We are the people who represent everyone's worst fear.

Us talking about our children make the fact that sometimes children die too real.

Much easier to shut us down and ignore us than accept that it does happen sometimes.

If we are shut out then people can live in their little bubbles, until such a time it may happen to them, when people realise how lonely it actually is being here.

I would welcome a thread where parents can discuss their children who are no longer with them. My friends son died last year. I can't imagine her pain but I see how hard she is struggling. I know that talking about him helps her. Does it help everyone though?

I think sometimes those of us who haven't gone through the loss of a child just don't know what to say because what may help one bereaved parent may cause untold pain to another.

So maybe one of you could start a thread and explain so that we can learn.

I understand OP, don't worry about the perpetually offended. Is Mumsnet a place where you can't say anything just in case you offend someone fgs?!

I understand OP, don't worry about the perpetually offended. Is Mumsnet a place where you can't say anything just in case you offend someone fgs?!

navyandwhite... its not about you being quiet, its about realising that people have different lives and experiences and people are allowed to be nostalgic without feeling guilty about their good fortune as it were.

I imagine it as being like when my child with significant SN was lost on the playground aged 3 for a good twenty minutes. So I was searching and panicking and feeling like I'd slipped from one world to a very different one.

There came a point where I realised that most other people weren't looking for him. It didn't matter how much I shouted or ran, they weren't looking, they were busy chatting.

I imagine that realisation that other people "arent looking" lasting a lifetime, and that is how I imagine bereavement.

Knowing that people, including children, do die, does not stop me sometimes being sad that my children's childhoods are rushing by - or that my life is rushing by also.

It does though put my sadness into perspective.

You're allowed to feel sad, OP.

As for those who have lost a child, I can barely begin to imagine your pain.

I don't understand how this thread got so unpleasant. I see nothing wrong with the OP being sad at the speed her children are growing up. I don't understand why this causes offence to people who have had children who died. It's a different thing altogether.

Are parents not allowed to feel sad or complain about anything in case they upset people who can't have children. That would be ridiculous.

I mentioned earlier a thread where a pregnant OP who was feeling sorry for herself was complaining about her pregnancy and where the thread became very nasty as posters who were unable to get pregnant told her that she was tactless to start the thread. I thought it was horrible. Of course everyone felt sorry for the women who couldn't get pregnant but it didn't mean that the OP should not have started the thread.

I don't get what the hostility achieves.

Perpetually offended?

I tried in a nice way to explain.

I am not the perpetually offended.

I am a parent explaining my view.

If it differs from the op does that mean I am perpetually offended?

In this instance I am presuming the perpetually offended you are referring to are bereaved parents. Already a vulnerable lot, an easy target.

I do feel wistful at times for the baby and toddler days. It does pass by so quickly.

My DD1 died when she was a baby so she will never grow up, learn to walk and talk, she will never be anything other than a baby.

DD2 has developmental delays and I get the nasty shock a PP described so well, when I see children of her age and I realise how far behind she is in some respects.

Both of these experiences have no doubt shaped the way I feel about motherhood and my surviving children.

I do sometimes wish for my babies back, I think because DD1 will never be any older and part of that wishing is a yearning for her.

But I feel almost in awe of all the children I observe growing and changing a school the majority do. It is truly a miraculous process and we are so vastly lucky that, in these times, it Is not often one cut horribly short.

I've tried to explain in a non argumentative way.

I've said it shouldn't be a them and us.

I am allowed to mention my child has died. This harrowing experience gives me a different view than others that have not lost a child. I am entitled to talk about this view and explain why I have reached this viewpoint.

Please do not try to silence me. I don't want an argument. I have no energy for an argument. Understanding would just do me.

Mnhq will not delete this thread as per my request, so can we please try not to get too offensive to each other.

ticklingafoot- so bereaved mothers are, in your eyes, perpetually offended?

I've been on MN 13 years and counting, but you, love, have gone straight to the top of the list.

KayTee87 : I remember holding my newborn son curled against my chest and thinking I never wanted the newness to go away, I wanted to be able to hold him like that forever. Every time he learns something new it's an absolute joy though, I go between being excited to see his next step to wanting time to slow down so I can better savour the moment.

This is how I feel too. It's about savouring the fleeting moments and milestones. I'm not sad, because after many years of infertility and loss, I have my DS. I feel immensely privileged and proud every day to see him grow up from that tiny little bundle we brought home. And once in a while I get that lump in my throat at how lucky I am and fast it's all flying by for me.

its about realising that people have different lives and experiences You describe as though it's the difference between working as a nurse in Cornwall and a banker in Edinburgh.

Good call to get the thread deleted OP. I'd have done the same. Im sure you didn't mean to upset anyone but when a thread ends up like this it's not doing anyone any good and it seems impossible to turn them around into something constructive or positive.

Ironically we will have all ended up 'silenced'

Which is why the thread should stay.

It is possible to read and hopefully understand every person's point of view.

I don't see why people can't be sad that thier kids are growing up - how is it offensive to people who's kids have died?
By that logic we must delete threads with people moaning about thier MIL/mothers/DHs as some people will not have those people in thier lives anymore due to death. We might offend widows if we post our relationship problems on mumsnet
Equally we can't post threads about what house to buy in case we offend people that rent, or post about a broken leg because some people don't have legs at all??
Seems like madness.
Yes it's awful that people lose thier kids and don't get to see them grow up but that doesn't mean the rest of us can't discuss how fast our kids are growing up and how that makes us feel!