To feel sad at how quickly my dc are growing up.

[cookieswirls]

Just checked in on my dd who is 5 and couldn't believe how grown up she looks. I still see her as my baby even though I have 11 month old twins too but I think the past year she has just changed and grown up so much! When I was out earlier I saw a friend who said how much she has grown up and now I'm seeing it too. My twins are also growing rapidly and although I certainly do not want to go through the newborn stage again, looking back it did seem really lovely. I'm sad how quickly life flys by

merry anger, bitterness and jealousy are very difficult emotions and while it would be good if family and close friends would hear them, I do t think you can reasonably place an expectation on acquaintances and strangers to do that. That's basically therapeutic work.

Manumission, I think the problem is a wider one in that orphaned parents are put in a box as it were.

I don't think that feeling sad that time is passing so quickly is showing a lack of empathy to people who have lost a child.

It took me 15 very very long slow years to get pregnant, at the time it felt like time had stood still for us. My oldest has just turned 18 and those years have felt like the blink of an eye.

When you have little ones it's often knackering, stressful and demanding, you are so busy with life that suddenly they are 5/6/7+ and we wished we had had more time to sit and enjoy them rather than always cleaning, cooking, washing, schooling, working etc etc

I don't feel sad about my children being almost grown ups, I feel in awe of them for the people they have become, I have loved the teen years even more than the toddler years

but I am constantly surprised that I have children of their ages - just where did this years go?

I did ask why you did it to yourself yes. But that was my first question when I was assuming something apparently inaccurate from your reaction. You don't sound like you normally do at all navy. If this isn't an emotional reaction I'm a bit lost asnto what you're asking for.

"That's a very common thing Have sadly. People who haven't lost a child find it very hard to empathise with someone that has. Maybe it's just the way we are I'm not sure. Very sad for that mum though who will have definitely needed some support and comfort from them."

Yes. I had a brief period where I empathised pretty well I think because I happened to be at a stage where I was feeling "if I lost DS1 he would still have lived a complete life" and I was able to share that feeling with the bereaved mum and we were able to think about M's life being a complete one.

That was all well and good for six months but after that I was wanting to move on whereas she did not have that luxury. Hence she was condemned.

I have been reading a lot of Victorian novels, especially Dickens, recently and one thing that always hits me is how many of the characters are bereaved parents. I can't help feeling we did grief better in olden days because we didn't hide it or expect closure.

I do find it a little disconcerting at how quickly they grow. I think that, for me at least, I'm mostly just flummoxed by how quickly time passes generally though, like there are just a few blinks between now and another Christmas.

I guess it does make me a little sad. I never seem to crowbar as much in to time as I hope. But I don't take life for granted and I console myself with the idea that my experience of mothering is not mirror of my children's childhood and that their own experience of time is not as fleeting, that for them it will be at least a lifetime until Christmas again.

Navy I'm sorry for your loss. No one is really wishing that their child won't grow up, just expressing how much they love the stages their children are at and feeling nostalgic about them being little.

I can't imagine the pain of losing my DS, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I think your point about people maybe not understanding how lucky they are is valid, but no one means any harm by it.

Well no actually I disagree.

I think IS is very EASY to empathise with the "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking...." feelings of bereavement.

But entertaining serious suggestions that x, y and z experiences of parenthood should never be discussed on a parenting site is a bit different.

One is emotional and one reason.

Sort of but my youngest is 17 now oldest 26 and we love seeing the adults they have become and the work paths they choose.

I have a 10 month old grandchild now so it's all go again

The problem Manumission is that those clocks start ticking again for everyone else....

anyway Navy has explained her intentions. It's not always easy to find the right way to join in.

right back atcha x

So sorry navy totally see how threads like these can be painful and self indulgent for bereaved parents although of course the op did not mean this.

I understand the sentiments of your post cookieswirls but I have 3 children and one of them has significant LDs. She operates at about half her age. She is 11 now, so she's like a 5 year old. Although as she gets older the 'half her age' thing is starting to not work because her sense of danger isn't developing and her impulsivity isn't improving...so she's like a 5 year old with a the supervision need of a 3 year old

I see children who were born just a few weeks ahead of her in my church, and I am quite literally breathtaken at times, in awe at what a 'normal' child of her age is like. I see their independence, their confidence, the way they just live alongside their parents with such freedom. Then I look at my girl, who feels such frustration because she wants to be like that, and she knows that's how old she is, but she doesn't have enough danger awareness, impulse control and developmental ability to be independent safely.

So I get it, but be glad that your child is growing as they should. Embrace it and facilitate it. Give them every life skill you can to fly free, because caged birds are miserable.

And I'm sorry, I meant to acknowledge that despite that, I am infinitely more fortunate than all of you that have had to say goodbye to your children too soon. I can't imagine the pain that brings.

I agree with navy. A tiny pang of sadness that your child is no longer a baby can never compare to the raw grief of losing a child. I remember my DM saying she walked down to the woods and howled in pain at the death of my brother. He was a lot older but still. People always tried to shut down her grief.
navy and all bereaved parents on MN.

"People always tried to shut down her grief."

reminds me of George Elliott and the fear of "that roar which lies on the other side of silence".

I'm sorry but I do find these feelings somewhat self-indulgent. It's creating a sadness that simply shouldn't exist. In the past I found myself from time to time entertaining such thoughts myself, but then had a stern word with myself. How lucky we are that our children are alive and well and growing older, how unutterably lucky?

I do think we shouldn't spend much time on such thoughts at all. Not just because of people like Navy () but simply because such thoughts are just wrong.

Just as the op is entitled to say she feels sad that her babies are growing we bereaved parents are just as entitled to say what a silly sentiment it really is in the harsh reality of some people's lives.

On any thread there are differing opinions just as there are on this thread.

It IS a silly sentiment because your children should grow up. They should experience all the stages.

Some of us know the harrowing reality that some children don't grow up.

Does that mean we are not allowed to have an opinion? Not allowed to say anything?

We say things not to make 'normal' people (those who have not experienced child loss) feel bad, but to gently point out that rather than feeling sad you are lucky to celebrate your children growing.

We know the op did not mean to offend but we are all part of a forum that entitles us all to speak freely.

I am desperately sad that my eldest son died.

I am thrilled that my youngest son is having a chance of life.

The sadness I feel looking back at their childhood is through the eyes of someone knowing one of my children died.

Had he not died I may be whistful for the baby years, but not sad.

There is a way to show empathy to bereaved parents. And there is a way to isolate them further - don't read these threads, etc.

There shouldn't be a them and us. Trust me we feel shit enough without having to defend ourselves.

Oh navy. I couldn't imagine how painful it must be to loose a child when they're just about to start their own life. I can completely understand why threads like this annoy you. So sorry for your loss.