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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
JontyDoggle37 · 10/01/2017 02:42

No ywnbu. Anyone who can suggest getting rid of an old dog because they want to do something different is not 'the one' and he seems to be trying to pressure you into moving in together when you're not really ready either. I would at the very least stop all talk of moving in together and make it very clear you dog is going nowhere. How he reacts will tell you a lot.

Landrygrasshead · 10/01/2017 02:42

I would pick my dog every time! Has he actually said why the relationship can't continue on as it is now? Other then just the vague were at this stage

nceccoli · 10/01/2017 02:43

You are absolutely NOT BU! There is no way I would give up a beloved member of my family for a relationship. And yes I do consider a pet a member of my family. I would suggest that you maybe ask your Aunt if she would be willing to adopt your dog and in that way you could still visit her often, but bear in mind that even if she is willing, a change in environment is hard for an animal that age.
Another thing you may want to consider if you do decide to pursue this relationship further. Even if you do find another good home for your dog and only move in after a few years at the end of your dog's natural life, his allergies will mean that you will never be able to have another dog as long as you are with him. I don't know how you feel about that but for me, that would be a deal breaker in any relationship. I consider my pets essential to my life and I intend to always have pets (dogs and cats). I would not be happy in a relationship with any person, not matter how lovely, if I was not able to have a pet. My family have always had dogs. We considered them essential in a household and essential for our quality of life. You sound like the sort of person who is a dog liver and gets emotional fulfilment from your dogs. Consider very carefully if living dog free is something you are willing to do for the rest of your life should you marry him.

dovesong · 10/01/2017 02:44

No. Your dog's only with you for part of your life but you are your dog's whole life. Prioritise her. Your boyfriend should understand and wait a few years to move in with you. I'd be suspicious about the allergies that he's never mentioned before tbh. Just be kind to your dog and let her live out her old age surrounded by love - you will never ever regret it but if you pick your bf and you break up, you'll feel bad about your dog forever. Your bf should be more understanding IMO.

WildBelle · 10/01/2017 02:45

No way. My dog is nearly 13 and if any bloke suggested I ditch him in favour of them I'd show them the door. Tricky, because it's down to allergies but it would still be a no. There's other blokes out there but you owe it to your dog to see her through the rest of her days.

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 10/01/2017 02:45

Eh? It would be different if he was trying to think of a solution or was happy to wait to move in but it sounds like he is saying 'it's me or the dog' in which case YANBU!!

How long have you been together?

elvis86 · 10/01/2017 02:45

It sounds like he's issuing ultimatums and doesn't care how you feel about your dog. This suggests to me that not only is he possibly not "the one", but he's also a bit of a twat.

If the dog that saw you through your teens is only 11 now, maybe you're too young to be contemplating moving in with a partner anyway?

previously1474907171 · 10/01/2017 02:47

No, he isn't 'the one'. He is already trying to control your life. Your dog is more loyal and deserving and you would never forgive yourself if you chose him over your dog. A life with him would mean no pets unless HE decided to get one and if he is like this now, it won't get any better, there will be other issues once you give in.

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 10/01/2017 02:48

And the fact that he's even suggesting it makes him a twat as a PP said.

Also I was with my partner for over 10 years before we got around to moving in together so there doesn't have to be a rush.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2017 02:48

If someone who was supposed to love me suggested that I PTS a beloved and trusted companion, I would not only wonder about their love for me but also their empathy and compassion in general.

Did he imply it or say it or just you think he possibly meant it?

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 10/01/2017 02:50

Jesus Terry do you think that's what he meant??! I thought he just wanted the dog rehomed Shock

gleam · 10/01/2017 02:50

If he has allergies, wouldn't he react to dog hair/dander on your clothes, when you see him? Or doesn't it work like that?

IAmNoAngel · 10/01/2017 02:51

He's not the 'one' if he is demanding you ' get rid of' a beloved pet because he has decided you should move in together.

You are clearly not compatable if you are an animal lover and he has a callous attitude towards them. Although he has a callous attitude towards you too, if he dismisses and overrides your feelings like this.

Get rid of him, not the dog.

UnbornMortificado · 10/01/2017 02:59

I would pick the dog. He's an arsehole or at least acting like one Shock

KarmaNoMore · 10/01/2017 03:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouHadMeAtCake · 10/01/2017 03:02

No YADNBU. Ditch him. What an utter cunt. He is vile to suggest having the poor girl PTS and you should tell him where to go immediately . Poor dog. I would choose our dogs every time but then my DH would never expect me to make a choice and anyone that does is NOT the one . I'm so disgusted by him.

KarmaNoMore · 10/01/2017 03:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissVictoria · 10/01/2017 03:08

Since when was there a relationship guide book that says there is a "stage" where you move in together? Surely it's subjective to each relationship, there's no time line of "at one year you do this" and "at 18 months that happens". If he's known the whole time you have a dog it was unfair of him to not mention his allergies in the beginning and have the discussion then of what would you would do if the relationship got serious with regard to rehoming or putting off living together etc, where both of you laid out your feelings and priorities. To spring this on you and give you an ultimatum is just cruel, but personally, if i buy or adopt a pet, it's a commitment to take care of them for their entire natural life. To me it's no different to having children, you decided to have a pet, you're responsible for it's needs and providing the best life you're capable of, making sure they're fed, warm, healthy, mentally stimulated, physically active, and that they feel secure and happy. You don't just throw them out or re home them because it becomes inconvenient.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2017 03:08

At 11, with the 'gave her a good life' stuff, I'm assuming he wants her PTS. Who can safely and happily rehome an 11 yo dog?

NoFucksImAQueen · 10/01/2017 03:09

I read it as him wanting her PTS too. "You've given her a good life" etc
Plus let's face it, who is likely to take on an elderly dog so unless he's very naive he must have meant pts.
I'm not sure how he could be the one op. Even if he was perfect in every other way he is being horrible here. If you get rid of the dog you'll always be resentful.
if you keep her are you going to feel like he's just waiting for her to die? Sad
Horrible situation, he shouldn't have put you in. Flowers

KanyePest · 10/01/2017 03:10

Another vote for pick the dog. YANBU

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 10/01/2017 03:13

Yanbu. Ultimatums in general aren't good for a relationship. Trying to make you get rid of your beloved pet without thinking of a solution to live with it is beyond awful.

I had 2 cats when I met DH who is allergic. Never once asked me to choose.

DJBaggySmalls · 10/01/2017 03:13

YANBU, no one with any compassion would tell you to get rid of an elderly dog.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/01/2017 03:14

Lots of red flags here.

His comments about your dog lack empathy and compassion for you and what you have been through and what is important to you as a person.

his comments that your relationship is at the stage where you should move in together are just wrong. You should move in together when you feel it is the right thing to do, both of you. I'd also be seriously considering the risks of being in a live in relationship without the benefit of marriage - although you do sound very young so maybe marriage is way in the future for you.

Its definitely not unreasonable for you to pick your dog ! Good luck, sounds like your dog is very lucky to have you

HighDataUsage · 10/01/2017 03:16

Has your bf not reacted to the dog when he has presumably stayed overnight before? The dog comes first always. Imo this is a sign of things to come as he's trying to dictate the terms of your relationship. I'd run for the hills if I were you.

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