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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
Vickyg43 · 12/01/2017 09:37

When I met my partner (now my husband), I already had a dog and honestly, if he'd made me choose, I'd have chosen the dog. You shouldn't be in this situation. You are still young. Enjoy the years with your gorgeous dog, and don't give in to living with him. I can't help but feel that there may be an ulterior motive for him pressuring you - whether he wants a place to live/someone to share with or he is simply jealous of the dog (most likely). You sound like a lovely, warm, caring person who has had a very rough few years. Don't turn away from the lovely dog that has brought you so much comfort, happiness and love during such sad times. It sounds very much like you still need her and believe me, she needs and deserves you more now than he ever will.

aquamarine2 · 12/01/2017 12:29

if anyone suggested putting my boys to sleep, their feet would not touch the ground they would be out of the door that fast

AnnoyedinJanuary · 12/01/2017 12:43

Your dog helped you heal after your mum passed away...... you owe her the fact that you got over your mum...... you cannot/ must not consider putting this bloke first..... dogs as they say are the only animals who love you more than they love themselves...... blokes come and go a dog is forever.......

HappyFlappy · 12/01/2017 12:58

I think people who judge others, for no good, valid reason and make sweeping statements are invariably twats ime.

There you go piglet - we're both tw*@ts*! Grin Grin Gin

HappyFlappy · 12/01/2017 13:00

I wonder if OP's aunt would have thought he could be "the one" if OP had had a child and the BF had suggested she put her baby up for adoption because he couldn't live with someone else's kids?

Love is love - whether it is for an animal or a person. If you love, you can't just dump the object of your ffetion out of your life and not feel it terribly.

KindDogsTail · 12/01/2017 14:51

2.odour -that is a huge factor, dogs do have a strong odour and that's not for everyone

I know what I am about to say is not relevant to the question, but I would like to put the facts more correctly in case anyone who did not know got the wrong idea: there are definitely some breeds of dogs/sexes that smell more than others, some that smell just a little, and breeds that do not smell at all.

Twinklecomic · 12/01/2017 15:10

100% with Karma re the problems of dogs and asthma. I nearly died of late onset Asthma triggered by my dog. I didn't know it was my dog until he sadly passed away and the symptoms subsided for a year and a half after he died. Asthma can be terrifying- it is a life changing/controlling situation. If you don't have it you can't imagine how frightening attacks can be. So don't be too down on the bf. Personally I'd keep things as they are until your beloved dog passes and then make the decision on whether or not you can have a dog-free life for the sake of living with you bf. If you made a bad decision re giving up the dog (and I know you are not in that zone- and good on you for that) it would likely haunt you in later years. If bf is " The one" he will wait. Good luck. You sound lovely. I hope you get the best in life going forward.

JCo24 · 12/01/2017 15:36

Shameful place marking to find out how BF reacts

AVY1 · 12/01/2017 15:59

As someone who lost a loved one to an asthma attack I can completely understand that it could be unsafe for him to live with an animal.

However, as everyone else has said YANBU. He is issuing an unnecessary ultimatum as living together is a luxury, not a necessity. You can still have a healthy and loving relationship.

LouiseBrooks · 12/01/2017 16:16

As an asthma sufferer, and the daughter of someone who had very severe asthma I should perhaps point out that it doesn't automatically exclude you from having a pet. I have a long haired cat, my mother had a couple of dogs and was actually told by our GP that her asthma wouldn't improve if she rehomed them. One of my closest friends has terrible asthma and has two cats. However I have another friend who has very mild asthma but is badly affected by pet fur .

There are different triggers and if he's not even spent any time with the dog he doesn't really know how he would be affected so I think he's using it as an excuse.

Mix56 · 13/01/2017 08:34

Supposing the bf has allergies (that he didn't mention although they were best friends before they became a couple, whilst knowing she had a dog) he will never have had a pet, & doesn't understand the bond, or even want to go there. He is not a "Dog Person" He may be trying to limit his problem, having no empathy at all. But it seems he hasn't been to her house & had bad reactions, when I was younger just being in a house that had a cat would make me miserable, (never mind sitting on a sofa where it had been, & god forbid touch it.)
But he hasn't even tested his reaction

KarenW · 13/01/2017 17:53

where are you OP? I am a cynic, just seems really co-incidental that the halls of residence accommodation is going to end, so then he has decided to move with you....Please put yourself and your loyal dog first!

didavluvlylife · 13/01/2017 18:06

Get rid of him!

madein1995 · 13/01/2017 18:11

YADNBU. Issuing an ultimatum like that, who does he think he is? And what right does he have, someone new on the scene who's been in your life 5 minutes, to insist your pet of 11 years should go? He can fuck right off. I sympathise with allergies but he doesn't need to move in - you can still have a relationship and not live together. Like others, the fact he NEEDS to move in is ringing alarm bells in my head. Why so soon, why does he need to get his feet under the table so soon, why can't he wait? Any true love would never say 'me or the dog'. Your dog is a part of your family. As a dog lover and owner my dog comes before anything else. Actually when ours was a pup dad found it a bit tough and said 'me or the dog' and was promptly told he knew where the door was. He loves her now. When him and mam first started dating he wasn't a fan of dogs - he had no choice but to learn to like them because there was no way mum would have got rid of the dog, allergies or no (he's not allergic), they were here first and here they stay. Lovers come and go. Dogs are loyal little things.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2017 18:44

Ragwort its because of this, that this relationship will not work, he has asthma severe enough to hospitalise him if he has pets, and op cannot rehome or put down a member of her family. He is not willing to compromise, and live separately, until she passes away, so no he is not the one.

What if op, wanted a dog in the future, because of his health, this probably would not be possible, that would be a big dealbreaker for a dog lover like op.

ForalltheSaints · 13/01/2017 19:13

I am a cat lover. I'd still choose the dog were I in your situation.

IJustLostTheGame · 13/01/2017 19:18

What if you 'get rid' of the dog and then split up a year later?
What if the boyfriend decides if he can control your actions over this he can manipulate you in other ways too?
If he's the one, he's the one. Living apart for a few years wouldn't hurt.
Tell him there's no hurry, there's such a thing as housemates, flatsharing and lodging. If he doesn't like that I would rethink liking him at all.

SallyGinnamon · 14/01/2017 11:49

Would love an update from OP as to her thoughts. It's almost 100% in favour of the dog!

KarenCBC · 14/01/2017 14:26

As someone who's highly allergic to dogs I find this to be a really tricky situation. I could never live with a dog so it is one of those deal breaker things for me and I also used to try and find out about this early on in relationships. My husband loves dogs but knows that unless we move somewhere tropical where the dog could live outside, he could never have one. We like to joke that 'mummy hates puppies' ( I absolutely don't, I think they're super cute. I just couldn't cuddle one). Probably something he should have thought about but although a bit late now I wouldn't label him a twat. Possibly will just have to wait until the end of the dogs natural life before moving in together.

septembersunshine · 14/01/2017 14:40

He doesn't sound caring. Is he a nice man, a good person? I just think he sounds like an as whole for suggesting you give up your elderly dog, who you adore and who adores you, for his instant gratification. I would worry op, that if you do as he suggests, it will always bother you. You will feel bad in yourself for not having your dog anymore. I am not sure this man is worth it. In any way.

honeyroar · 14/01/2017 19:30

Did the op come back recently? I must have missed it if she has. I was hoping she's ok and has managed to stay firm on this decision. I doubt it would have gone down well with him..

1forAll74 · 15/01/2017 01:54

i just dont understand why so many men say they are allergic to dogs and cats etc never ever heard of this in the oldie days
Years and years ago when I was divorced I one day met a new guy he came to my home and saw that I had two cats and two cockatiel birds so he said I just cant handle cats and birds and he immediately left nice date that was as I met him at my door with one of my cockatiels sitting on my shoulder>

Janey50 · 16/01/2017 03:30

I think the problem that a lot of men have is that they just cannot bear not being the centre of their DP's universe. The cannot cope with any competition,even from a pet. So they trot out the excuse that they are allergic......Angry

Original poster
wonagold · 18/01/2017 00:11

Sorry, I didn't even see this had more comments! Me and my baby girl and happily still together :)

OP posts:
shockthemonkey · 18/01/2017 07:27

So pleased OP. Enjoy her last years. She is really adorable and you'll treasure forever your time with her... Every last minute of it