Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
Gooseygoosey12345 · 10/01/2017 08:27

I would pick my dog. They don't answer back, cheat, argue Grin
No but seriously he's being an arse. If he's that bothered about not living with a dog (he could take piriton) then, as horrible as it sounds, he has two options; wait until your dog passed on or leave the relationship. If my OH told me to get rid of my dog I'd be getting rid of him but I'm a crazy dog lady

Mammylamb · 10/01/2017 08:29

Pick the dog xxx

MotherKat · 10/01/2017 08:29

As someone who's seriously phobic of dogs, I say pick the dog, anyone who can't understand how much you love a pet doesn't have the kind of empathy needed to keep a long term relationship alive.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/01/2017 08:32

I'm not a dog lover at all and even I would say choose the dog!

Slimmingsnake · 10/01/2017 08:34

Sweetie he's not the one for you....or he would understand how much yr dog means to you....and he would say there's no rush to move in....we are young and yr dog needs you xx

Oofimanoeuf · 10/01/2017 08:35

even ignoring the fact that he's asking you to give up a dog that helped you grieve for your mother as though that means nothing... his only reasoning for moving in is "we're just at that stage"... he's clearly got no clue about relationships and isn't even mature enough to express his own feelings. Tell him you would like to wait to move in. Moving in changes a relationship big time and you will always resent him for making you give up such a big part of your life. There's plenty of time to be worrying about bills etc later. Enjoy your early twenties with your dog and if your boyfriend can't handle that before he's even had you stay over a full night then he's definitely not the one for you.

MetalMidget · 10/01/2017 08:37

I think people are being a bit harsh on your boyfriend. Assuming it's true that he has serious allergies, that's not his fault!

No-one's saying that it's his fault for having allergies, but issuing ultimatums about removing or euthanising an elderly dog (as he's not willing to wait) is a massive red flag. It shows a huge lack of compassion and is horribly controlling.

It's particularly suspicious as there's been no indication of severe allergies before - presumably he's spent time at the OP's house, and in her company after she's been in contact with the dog.

He's not the one.

Glitterywillows · 10/01/2017 08:40

nope nope nope. I would never get rid of my pet due to some man's ultimatum. the doggy is ur family. if he is the one than he has to accept that. if my husband said him or my 13 year old cat, I would choose my cat. u and it doggy have a special bond and your partner should see that. YANBU

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/01/2017 08:41

You are only 21. Sorry but that is insanely young (I know lots of people were married/had kids by then but it is young). There's no hurry to move in with your boyfriend. Choose the dog (and can we have a picture? Smile).

shovetheholly · 10/01/2017 08:42

I am allergic - really quite allergic- to cats. This hasn't stopped me keeping them my whole life. I find that exposure to them really mutes the symptoms. It's only when I go away on holiday to a cat-free place then come back to my house that I am sneezing and wheezing and streaming everywhere. It goes away after a few days. Anyone else have the same thing?

My point is that there may be solutions to this, either with cohabiting or with living separately while your dog is still with you. If someone's not prepared to work those through, however, they probably don't value the relationship all that much. Sad

Northernpowerhouse · 10/01/2017 08:44

Agree with PPs this tells you a lot about this man's character. Why can't he wait to move in ?
I was in your situation a couple of years ago OP. Guess where I am now? Enjoying a cuppa with my 2 old dogs ( 12 and 14) 😀 I made the right choice!

TheNaze73 · 10/01/2017 08:45

People who offer ultimatums are normally needy & utter twats & for that reason alone, I'd go with the dog

fanniboz · 10/01/2017 08:45

The dog would win every time. Is he really the one if he's making you choose between him and a beloved pet who helped you through hard times? It'll only lead to worse things. He's not considering your feelings at all and it's just not worth it. Ditch him and have a cuddle with your lovely dog

diddl · 10/01/2017 08:47

You are both very young & that might explain his lack of empathy/understanding re the dog.

To be blunt, supposing your dog does have four more years, you'll both still be young then to be thinking about living together.

Of course that would mean no more dogs & there is the way that he has handled this which might have put you off him.

YANBU to choose the dog.

IceMap · 10/01/2017 08:48

I would choose the man over the dog but try to find a compromise... could you restrict her to certain rooms, no climbing onto sofa, no going upstairs? Can you boyfriend take antihistamines for a couple of years?

If he's lovely in other ways, I think it's crazy to give up a potentially lifelong partnership over a dog who will live a couple more years. I also think it's unfair to expect him to share a home with your pet if he's allergic. I have a mild dog fur allergy that would be miserable if I had to endure it every day (hay fever symptoms). When I'm in an enclosed space with a dog for too long, my eyes and nose stream and my face stays puffy for hours. No way would I live with a dog!

Also there's the hygiene issue. Many people just don't like animals on furniture/carpets/shedding hair indoors. Dogs smell and tend to give the house a doggy smell. Fine if you don't mind but U to expect someone else to not mind.

Can you wait a couple of years before moving in together?

Sorry if I've missed something haven't read full thread

uncoolnn · 10/01/2017 08:49

YANBU. No way on this earth would I give up my dog for anyone. Stupid as it sounds, my dog gets me (and has gotten me through) a lot of shit.

He's with me for life :)

Backt0Black · 10/01/2017 08:49

This is a test. He wants you to prove to him that he is 'all important' in your world and that nothing else makes you as happy as he does. RUN!

If the allergies were as severe as he says he would react just to your clothing and in any visit to your house. Have his eyes / throat swollen shut and has he needed adrenaline shots at any stage, has there been a frantic blue lights 999 dash..... ? Didn't think so.

I think he is just being manipulative and I wonder what else he'd wheedle you into giving up in the future

GissASquizz · 10/01/2017 08:51

Dog go 1, cold hearted boyfriend 0

3perfectweemen · 10/01/2017 08:52

I am not a big dog lover but even i think he is being unreasonable. A dog is for life.

Mix56 · 10/01/2017 08:52

I have allergies & asthma, actually they have reduced enormously as I aged, (& also removed carpets/curtains/dusty blankets/old fabric sofas. etc)
So I do understand, I also understand that this man, has not even met your dog, or even tried sleeping in your house, looked for a solution, visited an allergist, or thought of or even considered desensitivity treatment.
It may be cats, not dogs that cause him problems. or, house mites, feathers, pollen......
I also think not ever having looked for another solution is shallow entitled behaviour, He can wait another couple of years, & anyway, settling down at 21 IMHO is a massive error, (but that's just my POV) If I was your Mum I would say "Do not ignore your future intended P giving you ultimatums" .
& Obviously you will keep your faithful friend, the dog.

scaryteacher · 10/01/2017 08:52

The dog would win for me. I don't have a dog, I share my home with cats and dh, but wanting you to have your dog pts is just cruel beyond words. You move in together when you are both ready, and you don't seem to be. My ds is 21, and although I was married at 20, I look at him and couldn't imagine him moving in with someone yet.

He is not ' the one' if he is asking you to choose.

lovelearning · 10/01/2017 08:53

Yabu asking the question

RebelandaStunner
oracle

Pluto30 · 10/01/2017 08:55

Also there's the hygiene issue. Many people just don't like animals on furniture/carpets/shedding hair indoors. Dogs smell and tend to give the house a doggy smell. Fine if you don't mind but U to expect someone else to not mind.

Tough luck. The dog was there before he was. The relationship can hold off on the "living together" stage for a couple if years if the allergy thing is that serious.

scaryteacher · 10/01/2017 08:55

Mix I was 20 when we got married; had our 30th anniversary in September. It can work....but he bought me my cats.

toptoe · 10/01/2017 08:57

What confused and theNaze said.

He isn't being considerate of your feelings at all, just pretending to be with the 'you've given them a good life' talk. He obviously has no grasp on your connection with your animal, which is very worrying. He also has no qualms about asking you to choose and to him the right choice will always be to put him first, before an animal that is very special to you.

Actually, stand your ground and say 'no - this is my dog, this is my life. Accept us as we are, or move on'.

Also, your aunt does not know the ins and outs of your relationship so her comment about 'he's the one' should be taken very lightly. At 21 I would hope you'd have a bit of fun and jollies first, finding your feet and what you like in people before you pick one to live with. You can't change them, they shouldn't ask you to change.

The 'right' person is someone who is kind, understanding, sympathetic and likes you and your life just the way it is. You may find that in life there are a few partners you think may be a good match, but when they start being unkind or try to force you to change things you should cool it off.