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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2017 07:41

I am not a dog owner and have eczema and asthma, I agree with all on here. He is not the one. Your dog has given you love and comfort over the yeRs, now in her later years needs you more than ever. Enjoy those last years with her, and ditch the twat!

iloveeverykindofcat · 10/01/2017 07:42

They don't have to understand the bond though, they just have to understand that the bond exists. If they can't, they're callous by definition.

Niskayuna · 10/01/2017 07:44

I would choose the dog.

Not just for all the good reasons - the dog is part of your family - but because your partner has shown up the kind of man he is. A man who demands you get rid of things that displease him. Let's hope he doesn't dislike your children or your next job, for example. He thinks he can control you and tell you what to do.

Him seemingly demanding you move in together is also quite creepy, especially with his ultimatums.

MudeswingerYeah · 10/01/2017 07:45

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Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2017 07:47

chardonnay don't be so silly! Not everyone can or likes dogs/pets, does not make their lives joyless! It's like saying those without children have seas and joyless lives. Not joyless, different life. I know people without dogs, me included, who have very happy lives. Though I would like a dig when the kids are a bit older.

Empress13 · 10/01/2017 07:48

No no no he's an unfeeling nasty piece of work! Just goes to show the true side of him if you ask me. Sorry but I could never be with someone who would make me choose like that.

He can either wait and you can see each other regularly or he can jog on !

Please don't abandon your one tyre faithful friend - scenario you finish shortly afterwards how on earth would you feel if you no longer had your faithful friend !! Don't do it.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/01/2017 07:48

They don't have to understand the bond though, they just have to understand that the bond exists

Yes - that - exactly. (Wish I'd been able to make that point so succinctly.)

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2017 07:50

I don't think he is demanding you move in together, rather you are having a conversation about moving in.

living dog free is not joyless though. You may feel differently however.

AllTheLight · 10/01/2017 07:52

I think people are being a bit harsh on your boyfriend. Assuming it's true that he has serious allergies, that's not his fault! I agree it's a very difficult position for you, but it's a difficult position for him too. Your dog might live for another four years or longer - it's not surprising that he doesn't want to wait that long to move in together.

Also, if he's not grown up with a dog, it will be hard for him to understand the strength of your feelings for the dog.

I'm not saying you shouldn't pick the dog if you want to. But I think some posters are treating your boyfriend very harshly.

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2017 07:53

If you plan to move into a rented house you might not be able to take the dog with you anyway.

MrsTrentReznor · 10/01/2017 07:56

I haven't RTFT but he IS NOT the one if he is issuing you with ultimatums.
Dog over ultimatum boyfriend every time.
I've had a couple of ex boyfriends issue ultimatums to me. They became an ex there and then. It's not thinking of the future, it's emotional blackmail!
Run!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 07:58

A man who demands you get rid of things that displease him

It is a bit more than 'displeasing him' if it causes him serious health issues.

I agree that he probably isn't 'the one' but the dismissing of allergies and asthma on this thread, things that can actually kill people, is awful.

ChasedByBees · 10/01/2017 08:04

I agree with most - I would choose the dog and be thankful that I'd had a chance to see your BF's empathy in action. At 21, you have a lot of time to wait. He would wait, if he respected what was important to you. It's not like it'll be another 10 years.

OliviaStabler · 10/01/2017 08:06

YANBU. I'd take the dog any day.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 10/01/2017 08:08

What I said that after you've had a dog there is something missing and your life can seem joyless.

If you haven't had one you won't know what you're missing.
the joyless buggers who hate then, that's another thing

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 10/01/2017 08:13

Pick the dog - she's already house-trained Grin

I take it he's about to move out of halls?
Guess it would suit him to move in with you...cheap accomodation, 50% bills and someone to take care of the 'wife work'?
Oh, and he doesn't need to make an effort to see you as you'll be under the same roof, so cuts down on his travelling expenses too Hmm

Living in halls doesn't stop you spending the night at your gf's place - so what were his reasons? Cos he didn't use the allergies or dog as a 'reason' back then.
He just likes having it all revolve around him and his comforts.

The fact that he has only just mentioned the allergies despite knowing you have a dog, makes me think that he's either making it up, or dramatising it for effect.....he does not want to live with a dog and is making manipulative excuses.

He isn't 'the one', not when he can be this callous and dismissive of your feelings.
A relationship is about compromise, and give and take.
So far he's been taking everything you've been giving...and the first time he has to show some flexibility he does this.
So basically your life still has to revolve around him Hmm

I'd like to how house-trained HE is before moving in with him.
I couldn't live with someone who needed mothering and mithering to keep house/relationship afloat, or someone financially irresponsible/reckless.

And if he's been secretive/lying about his allergies - what else is he hiding - a secret toe nail eating habit? Ewww the thought!

cestlavielife · 10/01/2017 08:14

I am not a dog loving person but in this case keep the dog.
If you want to carry on dating the boyfriend for few years til dog dies up to you but you may just have to realize you are young
and another dog loving or non allergic man is around the corner.
It is not fair on you and the dog to make this ultimatum. If you rehome or pts dog for him you will always have that hanging over you.

Magicpaintbrush · 10/01/2017 08:16

You will never forgive yourself if you give up your dog and you would end up bitterly resenting your BF.

RebelandaStunner · 10/01/2017 08:18

Yabu asking the question.

Of course I would choose the dog. I couldn't just get rid of a pet.
I would get rid of the bf and fast. Are you sure he's the one?
If anyone suggested I got rid of my dogs, he'd be the one abandoned.

AthenasOwl · 10/01/2017 08:20

Absolutely not minimising the affects of allergies, for me they cause a lot of discomfort if I miss my medication and it can take several days to feel normal again. Obviously it's not life threatening in my case.
My point upthread was that the op doesn't state whether or not her bfs allergies are that severe, I'm assuming he's spent time in her home with the dog.
Sucking it up is easier for some than others.
I'd still choose the dog or someone who issued me an ultimatum.

LottieL · 10/01/2017 08:23

I don't know whether this helps (or has been mentioned!) but I have used the following:

www.allergybestbuys.co.uk/products/petal-cleanse-for-dog-horse-and-large-animal-allergy

It is harmless to the dog and it really helps with allergies too. I think there's ways for you to tackle this issue with your boyfriend without ditching him, but if he seems uninterested in trying out ways to help things then he is clearly not right for you.

carnationlilyrose · 10/01/2017 08:24

Can he not just manage his asthma? It seems a bit all or nothing to me. My DP has asthma and is severely allergic to cats. I have cats. Guess what? He moved in anyway. We had to put some rules in place (ie no cats in the bedroom) but the rest of the time he is just very careful about washing his hands, changing clothes etc and always has antihistamines on hand just in case.

Anyone who wanted me to get rid of an animal would be out of my life for good.

Morgani97 · 10/01/2017 08:24

There is NO way I'd choose a man over my dog EVER! If he thought anything of you he wouldn't even imply getting rid of her. You are your dogs world their love and affection are unconditional. I hardly ever comment on posts but this one has got me so mad. My dog is nearly a year old,I was seeing someone that didn't like dogs,gave me the choice so showed him the door. Regardless of weather he could be the one please just don't choose him. And please let us know the outcome x

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 10/01/2017 08:25

Absolutely choose the dog, she brought you through such a difficult part of your life-you're her whole life.
He's most definitely not the one Hmm

ThinkPinkStink · 10/01/2017 08:27

Choose the dog - she has never given you an ultimatum.

And I say this as someone who doesn't even have a dog...choose the dog, every time!

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