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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 10/01/2017 06:53

PoochSmooch makes a very good point, OP. Would you be happy to commit to a life with no more dogs if you move in with/marry this person? It's a big consideration.

That aside, he sounds like an arse, so this is my first LTB Flowers

Mysty · 10/01/2017 06:56

Tell you BF to take antihistamines and man up or jog on.

LotsoNumbers · 10/01/2017 07:00

Can you live with never having a dog again? There'll be other men but there'll never be another of your beloved dog. I would ditch him tbh

lovelycuppateas · 10/01/2017 07:04

My partner is allergic to cats - pretty severe asthma, sneezing, streaming eyes etc. Because of this he hated cats when I met him.

I have a beloved family cat. There was absolutely no suggestion that I'd have to get rid of her! He dosed himself up on antihistamines, made sure he had inhalers with him and I cleaned/vacuumed and made sure the cat didn't come into the bedroom when he stayed over. We've been living together 3 years now and he completely loves the cat now, and somehow is genuinely no longer allergic to her (though he did have to take daily antihistamines at first). There is absolutely no need to make ultimatums about pets - just over dramatic; if you want things to work there will be ways around it. If you don't, then the relationship just isn't meant to be.

Ragwort · 10/01/2017 07:10

Pick the dog.

Personally I don't like dogs and would never choose to date/live with someone who had a dog or cat but that is my choice and I would never try to 'change' someone to fit in what what suits me.

At 21 you have everything ahead of you, set your standards high when it comes to dating. Anyone who sets an ultimatum like that is just not worth your time of day.

OllyBJolly · 10/01/2017 07:12

I think people are being a bit harsh. If someone has never had a pet - a dog or a cat or a horse , the kinds of animals you develop a relationship with - then they won't understand the bond that develops. My sister has severe allergies and has therefore never had a pet. Her eyes swell up and she struggles to breathe if she goes into a house with an animal.

She's not an evil person but dogs and cats to her are just animals - no insight at all that the family pet is family. My dog was with me for more than 13 years and I was distraught when we lost him -her response was "What's the problem? Just get another one"

Having said all that, I'd choose the dog. There's no big hurry to move in together.

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2017 07:13

Did you know he wasn't keen on the dog?
My DH isa dog lover, but I made it clear from the outset I am not prepared to have a dog in our house. Fortunately he had no dog when I met him.
He might have assumed that the dog would stay with your family.

Whocansay · 10/01/2017 07:18

I think his lack of empathy is a massive red flag. It's not reasonable to expect you to rehome the animal and if he really expects you to have it PTS for him, you should ditch and block him as that makes him an utter cunt.

I don't like ultimatums either. Another red flag for me. There's no reason to rush moving in, it's just he wants you to choose to make a point. I really hope you tell this bastard to fuck of. He is not a keeper. He wants everything on his terms and is not willing to compromise.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 07:19

I'm the one with allergies (and they're semi severe) and we have 2 dogs in this house. There are a lot of things you can do to reduce down the issue of your allergy if it means enough to you.

Not that simple for everyone!

My DM would be ok for a few hours/maybe overnight but absolutely no longer. It would bring on an asthma attack which could, and has in the past, hospitalised her and had very serious affect on her health.

DeathStare · 10/01/2017 07:20

To all those saying to tell the bf to take antihistamines.... if he has severe allergies that trigger asthma then antihistamines would be barely any use at all. I take 5 diffferent prescription medications a day and if I come into contact with a dog need A&E, several IVs of medication and machines to help me breathe. Often for a couple of days. The ongoing medication I've had to take after these attacks has caused my blood pressure to go up considerably, to put on 4 stone in weight and at times to develop medication-induced diabetes.

I'm not saying get rid of the dog, but implying that the bf should just man up and get some over the counter meds when the reality is that it's likely to be much more serious than that, isn't very fair.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 07:23

I agree DeathStare

Not as easy as he should 'suck it up'. People that think it is don't understand how serious asthma and allergy attacks can be.

GinIsIn · 10/01/2017 07:24

So has he even MET the dog? Seen how is allergies were? Or has he not even bothered trying and just expects you to get rid?! I can't tell you what to do, but I think you already know - if you gave up your dog for this complete arse, you'd never forgive yourself or him. Nobody is going to rehome an 11 year old dog easily so realistically, he IS saying PTS.

DontOpenDeadInside · 10/01/2017 07:24

Is he by any chance coming to the end of his uni time? Needs a place to stay?
What if, you pts your lovely dog and then you move in together and you can't stand it and break up? Then you'll have no-one. Please choose your dog.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/01/2017 07:25

First choice - dog

Second choice - dog

Third choice - dog

And a previous poster had an excellent point. Rest of your life without a dog? Sounds joyless.

DontOpenDeadInside · 10/01/2017 07:26

Also, does he like dogs? Have you ever seen him stroke a dog while out and about? I think it's suspicious that he's never mentioned the allergy's before now.

PoochSmooch · 10/01/2017 07:27

Well, it might be as serious as that for the OP's boyfriend. In which case, they're just not compatible long term.

Or it might equally be like my MIL's cat "allergy", which is fictitious. She just doesn't like cats. My cat has attempted to sit in her lap, and not so much as a sniffle.

We don't know which it is here...but the fact that it's not come up before the boyfriend has decided that it's time for them to move in together makes me suspicious. It's a first date conversation.

OP's boyfriend: Do you live with anyone?
OP: Just my dog!
OP's boyfriend: oh, really? I'm not a dog person. In fact, I'm super allergic.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 07:27

And a previous poster had an excellent point. Rest of your life without a dog? Sounds joyless.

Hmm

I think you will find many people have perfectly joyful lives without dogs...

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 10/01/2017 07:33

No Piglet once you've had a dog life without one is joyless.

Icequeen01 · 10/01/2017 07:34

I will give him the benefit of the doubt here and say that if he is suggesting rehoming then how would you feel waking up each day knowing that your beloved dog was languishing in some kennel whilst you go about your daily lives. Chances are the poor thing would not be rehomed so that's how she would end her days.

This post makes me feel so sad. Please, please don't even consider this.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 10/01/2017 07:35

The red flag for me is the ultimatum, the dog is a red herring.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/01/2017 07:36

OllyBJolly, you say your sister hasn't had the opportunity to develop a relationship with a pet because of her allergy, but she had plenty of opportunity to find out how you felt about your pet. Can't she just listen and try believing you? It's called empathy - putting yourself in another person's shoes, seeing how they are emotionally affected, accepting that a viewpoint is genuinely held even if it is very different from yours. Agree it doesn't make her evil, but it does make her blinkered in a rather saddening way. (I have a DS who had to be taught empathy rather than developing it and still doesn't really "get" how people feel about some things, but is a good soul and will provide support as needed even while bewildered by the illogic of the whole thing. On a side note, said DC is totally besotted with his pet cat so close relationships with animals is something he would definitely understand!)

Jessesbitch · 10/01/2017 07:38

Dog everytime.

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2017 07:39

I don't think it is a first date conversation. Especially if you have been living away at uni.
I remember a friend of mine. She'd been married a while, when her DH now elderly dog was brought into their house. She didn't realise that that was his dog. He was at work, and he expected her to clean up after the dog and sort it out. Awkward.

blueskyinmarch · 10/01/2017 07:40

I have a friend who was in a similar(ish) situation. Her DP had an old dog and she has and old cat. They both knew they couldn’t move in together until one of the pets died as neither animal would have coped with the other. His dog died last year and they then moved in together. They are in their 50’s and both waited it out. You are very young in comparison and what is another few years?

zen1 · 10/01/2017 07:41

If he loves and respects you, he will understand that it is important to you that your dog sees out her twilight years in her own home where she will be loved and looked after. Why should you have to choose between him and your beloved pet? There is no rush to move in and you can still carry on the relationship as it is. Please don't feel pressured into doing so when you don't sound ready for this step.