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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 10/01/2017 05:46

I agree - what kind of 'man' would tell you to get rid of your dog, and that you have to move in with him. Shall I say it? a cunt.

Pipsqueak11 · 10/01/2017 06:11

If he cared about you, he would not ask you to do this.be careful

SallyGinnamon · 10/01/2017 06:19

Think hard OP. If he truly loved you he wouldn't want you to get rid of the friend that has been your rock during bad times. There's no hurry to move in together.

On a side note when I moved in with ex DP at his instigation his real motivation was that he wanted somewhere different to live and I was a handy flatmate. More about him and less about his love for me. I'd be worried that your BF has left uni and needs somewhere to live rather than being at the right stage in your relationship.

OliviaBenson · 10/01/2017 06:23

It would be extremely difficult to rehome an older dog. I also think he means PTS.

You are only 21, if he is the one he will wait and there is no rush to move in together. I met my now DH when I was 19 but we only lived together from when I was 24.

How much discussion have you had about his allergies? I don't doubt that they can be serious, but you need to be sure that it's not an excuse.

My dogs have been a rock to me. I'd never chose a man over them.

1horatio · 10/01/2017 06:25

If he truly loved you he'd wait for you.

Pick the dog.

OliviaBenson · 10/01/2017 06:25

How long have you been going out for OP?

1horatio · 10/01/2017 06:26

And btw:

'You've given her a good life'? That did read to me like he wanted her to be put down. Maybe that's not how he meant it.

But idk. Is the dog asking you to choose? No.

And that's where you have your answer.

WizzardHat · 10/01/2017 06:28

I also read it as him saying to PTS. It sounds as though he's jealous of the poor dog. I'd pick the dog - and I'd probably LTB as well, if you're planning to have children any time, this man would probably be jealous of them too, even if you had them on his schedule.

HermioneWoozle · 10/01/2017 06:29

He's not the one if he doesn't want you with your dog. He's jealous of the dog. Massive red flag for me.

DeathStare · 10/01/2017 06:29

I am allergic to dogs and have ended up in hospital several times after contact with them, so if he is genuinely allergic then he's not being unreasonable to say he won't move in with a dog. Sometimes I react to dog hairs on people's clothes, sometimes not. I guess it depends how doggy they are.

I do, however, think you seem to be moving quite fast. I think you are both unreasonable to be talking about moving in with someone who you haven't even spent a full night with (or really LOTS of full nights with). That's a recipe for disaster. How long have you been together? It doesn't sound like very long.

I think you need to find someone to look after the dog so you can spend regular nights together before you even think about moving in together

greenfolder · 10/01/2017 06:29

I can understand where your bf is coming from. I have a severe cat allergy. I can cope for an hour, just if visiting friends and dose myself with anti histimine before hand. I could not live with a cat. Full stop. It would be stupid. If you cannot live without your dog (and indeed another dog in the future) be honest because its a dealbreaker for both of you)

CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 10/01/2017 06:32

I am not an animal person. I don't like them but as a non dog lover I still say choose your dog.

21 is still young. There is no rush to move in together and if your relationship can't survive a very small "blip" at this stage then it really isn't going to withstand the test of time.

Please don't get rid of your dog.

1horatio · 10/01/2017 06:36

I think you need to find someone to look after the dog so you can spend regular nights together before you even think about moving in together

I really agree with this.

picklemepopcorn · 10/01/2017 06:39

Other people may have said this, but be careful about someone who is angling to move in with you. Make sure you understand the implications, is he going to contribute to expenses etc. Could he end up with the right to live there, somehow? I knew a vulnerable woman and her daughter who owned a house left to them by parents. The daughter's boyfriend moved in, pressured them to sell the house etc.

I'd pick dog every time and consider kicking him to the curb for suggesting it.

confusedandemployed · 10/01/2017 06:40
  1. Be very wary of people who issue ultimatums
  1. Be very wary of people who seem to have no empathy towards animals.
  1. Be very wary of people who dictate to you what 'stage' of a relationship you should be at.

Any bloke who thought he could tell me that I should have my dog PTS for his convenience would be drop kicked from a great height.

I would run for the hills from any bloke who had even one of the traits above.

HappyFlappy · 10/01/2017 06:43

YANBU - the dog will never let you down. He already has by suggesting that you part with a family member, albeit a canine one, that you love and and has shared your bad times, and has, as you admit, got you through them.

He may be a lovely bloke in other respects, but he obviously has no idea (or doesn't care!) how much this will distress you - and how much it will affect your relationship, because it will.

I suspect MrsTerry is right, and that he would expect you to murder (not too strong a word IMO) your lovely dog if she couldn't be re-homed (and it ishrdto re-home an elderly dog, and also not at all fair on her. She won't know why she is suddenly unwanted, even if she goes to lovely people.

Also, if she is re-homed to (say) your aunt, there is always the chance that you will find life without her unbearable, and will want her back - and he won't like that.

I'm allergic to cats. The allergy didn't manifest until ours were well adult (that's the thing with allergies - sometimes they just "happen"). but there's no way I would dream getting rid. I just sniff my way through life with lungs lined with cat hair.

If you part with your dog, you will always regret it and the guilt will haunt you. (I speak as someone who has had to have animals PTS for medical reasons. It is never easy.)

If he is "the one", he will be prepared to continue as you are for as long as it takes, or put up with any sniffling and sneezing.

And in future, you can stick to poodles or bedlington terriers.

PoochSmooch · 10/01/2017 06:44

Someone who really loved you would, even if they hated dogs, be empathetic to the things that are important to you. If he can't think of any way to compromise with you that doesn't involve you giving way to what he wants, then your future relationship isn't likely to make you very happy.

Also, if you're a dog lover, it isn't just about this dog, is it? If you commit to him, you're also committing to a life with no dogs in it ever again. As a dog lover myself, I couldn't do that. Liking animals is one of my basic tests of compatibility with a partner and always has been - it's that important to me. Only you can decide if it's important to you, but from how you write about your dog, I think it might be.

At 21, keep your options open. Plenty of time for settling down in the future, when you're sure it's right for you.

HappyFlappy · 10/01/2017 06:44

Excellent advice from confused.

There are a lot of red flags in your BF's attitude.

MuttsNutts · 10/01/2017 06:47

No-one that truly loves you would issue such an ultimatum.

Listen to what you already know - I promise you would never forgive yourself if you gave her up when she needs you most when she has given you so much happiness and comfort over the years.

Trust me, you have not yet met 'The One' but you will one day. Just don't waste too much of your time on this one.

Miserylovescompany2 · 10/01/2017 06:47

Don't move in together, if he cares for you he'd understand your relationship with your dog and never try to seperate you. He wouldn't give you an ultimatum. He would respect you and not use his allergies to force your hand.

You've never concealed the fact that you have a dog, so he's known from the onset. He's made a choice to get romantically involved with a dog lover. TBH, he sounds like he could turn out to be very manipulative. Has he ever mentioned these allergies before? Might he be jealous of your dog?

PoochSmooch · 10/01/2017 06:48

Also I totally agree with previous posters that someone who thinks an inconvenient dog should just be disappeared/rehomed/pts is pretty despicable generally. What would he do if you got ill and dependent? I think he's telling you who he is. You should probably listen.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/01/2017 06:50

I have a lovely rescue cat who lost out to the 'it's me or the cat' ultimatum from the husband. The cat is just fab and, apparently, she was in tears handing him over to the shelter and it's clear he was looked after very well in the first few years of his life.

I often think of her and how she is doing. I gained a fabulous cat but she must be always wondering how he is and must carry that sadness.

All the more difficult with a life time of memories like you have with your dog. If he is serious about you, he can wait. You are still very young.

tootssweet · 10/01/2017 06:52

Dog every time! There's no hurry & if he was asking you to pick him or your human best friend, you wouldn't think that was right.
My lovely DP let me get a dog against his wishes (at the time) & said ddog hated him at first (he was rescue) but dp persevered because he knew I loved the dog. They ended up best of friends. I know it's different as there were no health issues but that's what someone mature, who loves you, does.
Maybe you need to talk to him about your best (hairy) friend

1horatio · 10/01/2017 06:53

Ship

As the owner of an (also fabulous) rescue cat... that's so said.

I actually feel really sorry for her :(

AthenasOwl · 10/01/2017 06:53

I wouldn't give up my pets for anyone. I have pretty severe allergies but I have a cat and a dog! I take over the counter antihistamines and it keeps things under control. I don't have asthma though so I can't really comment on that..surely though he comes to your home now? Have his allergies not been affecting him when he's there?
He's been really unreasonable expecting you to just give up your dog! Rehoming older dogs isn't easy either.