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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am but 3rd white wedding?

199 replies

Exileinengland1999 · 09/01/2017 20:51

A friend of mine is getting married for the 3rd time at age 43 and having her 3rd white wedding with the 3rd load of bridesmaids etc.

I know I have got major judgy pants on but Aibu to think it's a bloody waste of money.

I know- I'm being a major judgy cow and totally U and people can spend their money on what on earth they want but seriously, 3 massive white weddings? Would you not just get sick of spending 20k plus each time and think fuck it, let's just head down the registry office and to the pub!
God, I sound a horror don't i?! I just don't get the expense of it all.

OP posts:

Soon2bC · 11/01/2017 10:51

Granted Molly but if we want to celebrate something important in our lives be it a birthday or anything else, it is a shame that people with judge regardless.
I have family member who wouldn't agree that celebrating birthdays in a big way would be acceptable (as recently proven when I held a 70th party for my mum 'but you did a party for her on her 60th' ). And others who don't celebrate at all.

Each person celebrates life events in different ways, who are we to judge what they do with their money or how express themselves if it isn't hurting anyone else and makes them happy?

Ratonastick · 11/01/2017 10:51

I'm a bit judgy on this too. I am about to go to a third wedding. I quote the bride "it's my biggest one yet". I know it is entirely her choice and I admire her for getting back on the horse after 2 stinkers BUT

for the third time, I am travelling across the country to pay for 2 nights in a hotel (crappy location and scheduling)
for the third time, I am dressing to her definition of wedding theme (bloody black tie this time. Joke comment that she doesn't want me to have to wear the same hat!)
for the third time, I have received a John Lewis wedding list with the expectation that I shell out for an expensive gift (and a jokey comment about having to leave most of the last two behind in the divorces)
for the third time, I have to go to an expensive hen do (overnight stay, etc)

All for a chap that she has repeatedly expressed doubts about.

Now, arguably I could say no to at least some of this and yes I know she is a bit of a bridezilla. But she is my friend and, over than her addiction to wedding cake, she is a lovely woman. I know she would be terribly upset and offended if I did duck out and I don't want to do that to her.

But no, it is not just "their money their choice". It really bloody isn't.

HearTheThunderRoar · 11/01/2017 10:54

My best mate had three weddings, the first was 25years ago when she married my cousin and I was maid of honour that wasn't awkward when they divorced. Was the big white wedding, a lot of money etc - who shebang. Marriage ended in divorce after only a couple of years. (I can't quite remember why but it was fairly amicable).

Second wedding was another white wedding, was a smaller affair though and no bridesmaids. Marriage ended in divorce as her husband was an alcoholic druggie dick.

3rd wedding was very intimate, 20 people, white dress and her daughter was flower girl. I did no way begrudge her a third white wedding as she had been with her husband for several years, had a child with him and was very content than she'd ever been, she wouldn't have married him otherwise.

TBH I as her best friend knew neither her two prior divorces weren't her fault so I never judged her for marrying a third time. However if I didn't know her I might have judged.

That said i don't know how anyone can justify spending thousands on one wedding, let alone three!

Roodolf · 11/01/2017 11:01

I think big white weddings with crazy expense are a waste of money and very cringe making the first time round to be honest... I have never really got it. It's perfectly possible to be delighted for them and at the way they are getting married, IMO.

paxillin · 11/01/2017 11:09

It's the 3rd load of bridesmaids . For the first one many women can come up with the usual row of pretty maids with shiny hair and not a care in the world who will happily don matching dresses in Barbie pink or sickly yellow.

40 somethings juggling careers, teens, babies and elderly parents won't oblige quite so readily. My lot would be a roaring crowd.

ShoesieQ · 11/01/2017 12:34

Everytimeref When I got married for the three time I walked down the aisle to "At last .... by Etta James" if people laughed at least it was with me.

Bugger - that's EXACTLY what I'll be doing in March - thought I was being rather clever and original, but seemingly not!

MommaGee · 12/01/2017 16:06

paxillin or you can have your shiny cute children, nieces, god children etc althp if my sister doesn't have me for the third time I will be quite sad

sonyaya · 12/01/2017 16:16

ratonastick

Then for the third time you should have declined. To turn up to her wedding with this negative attitude about her is cruel.

Ratonastick · 12/01/2017 16:23

sonyaya. No because she is my friend. We have stood alongside each other for 25 years through good and bad. I will go to her third wedding the way she wants and I will be very happy for her because to do anything else would make some I care about unhappy.

However that doesn't mean that I am not allowed to be privately irritated by her thoughtlessness about the expense involved for other people by three huge weddings.

PaintingOwls · 12/01/2017 16:30

I agree weddings are a waste of money but then I know people think that what I choose to buy is a waste of money too. So it doesn't matter. She can have huge expensive weddings and I can keep buying Pret lunches and shopping in Anthropologie

Live and let live, etc.

sonyaya · 12/01/2017 16:30

ratonastick

Look at what happens if you follow through what you're saying. Effectively you're saying she shouldn't have a third wedding because it costs her friends money to attend?

Travelling to a wedding costs the same if it's a big wedding or a small wedding. Buying a gift (which is not obligatory) costs the same big wedding or small wedding - I agree about a gift list for wedding 3 at all, but it's not related to the size of the wedding. Hen party costs the same if it's a big wedding or a small wedding.

Of course you're entitled to your private thoughts, but if you're close enough friends that you can't decline the invitation, my thoughts are you should be a close enough friend not to begrudge the cost of attending 3 weddings in 25 years. I am sure she would be mortified to find a friend of hers being spiteful about her "addiction to wedding cake" because 2 of her marriages failed.

Ratonastick · 12/01/2017 16:50

sonyaya. I am sorry but I disagree. The vast majority of guests and the B&G live within a 20 mile radius each other, so a far distant wedding is an additional cost. A black tie event means a dress I may not wear again (I don't own a black tie outfit and I know a number of other guests, including her family members are in the same boat). The wedding list starts at £40 for the cheapest item. The hen do is at a very expensive spa.

Yes, I think that she has been thoughtless however she is such a good friend that I will respect her choice and I will support her. But I am having to cut back on other things to do so, so no I don't accept the whole "their money, their choice" arguement as I don't think it takes sufficient account of the social obligation it places on the B&Gs nearest and dearest.

KayTee87 · 12/01/2017 16:57

I know- I'm being a major judgy cow and totally U and people can spend their money on what on earth they want

Hey you answered your own 'AIBU' - saved me the effort

MommaGee · 12/01/2017 17:01

Tbh Ratonastick the issue isn't that it's her third IMO but that she thinks everyone can afford to do her bidding like good rich little minions. Even for a first wedding, I'd be a bit grumpy at a set dress code, expensive hen do etc. I'd also be buying off plan if I didn't or couldn't afford the list and assume if she loves me as much as I love her she'll understand

Riversleep · 12/01/2017 17:02

I'd love a couple more weddings. The dresses are much more my style now than when I got married. The only problem is that I'm still married and I have no intention of getting married again, whatever the future holds!

OhhBetty · 12/01/2017 17:45

Fwiw I agree with you op. Obviously people can spend their money however they choose but tbh I don't understand the massive weddings anyway! But that has a lot to do with how I was brought up etc and my personal views on money/materials/love. You don't sound a horror or sneery at all. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I doubt you would express it to the bride!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/01/2017 23:58

Riversleep - have you considered a renewal of vows?

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2017 23:59

River sleep - have you considered a renewal of vows?

Oooh, yes-then you can start a thread on it! Everyone loves a renewal of vows thread.

Riversleep · 13/01/2017 20:42

thumbwitch I suggested it to DH for our 10th anniversary and he thought you only did that if you had had an affair and wanted to make amends! I got some strange looks for a while!!

Riversleep · 13/01/2017 21:26

Do you think I could justify buying one of these to just wear round the house instead?

www.thewedding-club.co.uk/zuhair-murad/

Turquoisetamborine · 13/01/2017 21:45

A woman I worked with recently had her fifth white wedding. Some people declined her invitation as they said it was turning into a bit of a joke.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2017 00:42

Blimey - some of those would go up in a flash near a gas flame, I bet!
Also - some of them seem to be missing the lining...

pictish · 14/01/2017 13:41

I did click on that link and think, "Aha - the Pamela Anderson Collection."

To each their own though. I'd look like a net bag of giblets in one of those.

Riversleep · 14/01/2017 23:09

Oh yes thumb id have to lose half my bodyweight and buy a nice slip, but I do love the full lace and sheer long sleeved. When I got married, it was bandeau top or nothing!

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