I know I am but 3rd white wedding?

[Exileinengland1999]

A friend of mine is getting married for the 3rd time at age 43 and having her 3rd white wedding with the 3rd load of bridesmaids etc.

I know I have got major judgy pants on but Aibu to think it's a bloody waste of money.

I know- I'm being a major judgy cow and totally U and people can spend their money on what on earth they want but seriously, 3 massive white weddings? Would you not just get sick of spending 20k plus each time and think fuck it, let's just head down the registry office and to the pub!
God, I sound a horror don't i?! I just don't get the expense of it all.

My exSIL 3 white weddings, same registry office, same reception venue for 2 of them, similar looking groom each time so much that people have mistaken no 3 for no 2!

I'd have been too worried about what people would think so I totally admire/envy that she doesn't and has 3rd time round/12 years down the road found happiness.

Same registry office and same venue for both weddings!? 😭😱

Somerville - and I do "know" who you are - I think your case is a bit different though.

I wouldn't do it again - not because I didn't enjoy the first one, and not because I'm so blissfully happy with DH - I just feel that, if things went tits up with DH I'd rather be on my own than try to live with another man again!

But that's just me.

It would bother me if I (the guest) was being asked to fork out in some way (money poem, travelling far, paying the brides share on the hen do) and I'd already paid for those things.

Other than that they can do what they want.

Not read the full thread however..

Why is it a waste of money? Because we wouldn't spend our money that way? Because it is not something " you can see you bought after? Because you already bought it before?

I don't get this idea of " its a waste of money" it is only a waste if the person who pays later on regrets it.

I have been married almost 21 years (next month) We had a white wedding (medium sized imo 75 people) Not hugely expensive but not cheap either. I have very lovely and fond memories of this day. I love that we spent that day together with family and friends celebrating our love and our joining in marriage.

If dh was to leave me/ die and I met someone else. No I would not want to go " down the reg office and get it over with" 1 because I have a religious belief and for me I would want a priest there (I think I would like our vicar she is fab) and 2 because to me it is not something to be ashamed off.

My father has been married 5 times twice to the same woman. He went for reg offices the last 4 times the last 2 he had family there too with no 2 and 3 they went off with only a couple of friends. He is now a widow his last marriage was the one that was good to him to be honest and after she died he didnt want anyone else.

Our silver anniversary is coming up , dh and I have talked of renewing out wows. I like the idea of having our friends and some family there and then a big sit down meal. For me that would be much more enjoyable than a holiday. My friend wouldn't view it that way she would rather a holiday than such things/ So for her that would be a waste of money. For me their trips to spain to sit at a pool sipping Pina Colada's is a waste as it would not be something that would give me joy..

To me joining together in marriage is something to celebrate and frankly I don't care if you have been through it 6 times already I still think you should celebrate and I have no issue with people being loud about that. Good luck to them IMO.

Will quickly clarify that I don't think " going to the reg office " is something to be ashamed off. I know for many that is their ideal.

I meant it was not something to be ashamed of that you are having " another go" (or 5 in case of dear dad ) I think its wonderful.

I find it strange to think of people in their 40s who have been married before, having big white weddings complete with bridesmaids! I think of a white wedding as a symbolic rite of passage, from childhood into adulthood. The innocent young bride dressed in white; her father letting go of his responsibility for her and giving her away to the groom; the bridesmaids attending the bride and helping her prepare herself for her wedding day and her transition into womanhood. Somehow, a 40+ twice-divorced bride wafting down the aisle in white just seems all wrong!

I remember, not so very long ago, when the only places where marriage ceremonies could take place were churches (though by no means in all churches) and register offices. Many (most?) churches did not permit divorcees to marry in church, so most 2nd and subsequent marriages took place in register offices.

It was not the done thing to have a "white wedding" in a register office, so the bride marrying in a register office (even if it was a first wedding) would usually just wear a nice dress or a suit (not white). Register office weddings were usually small affairs, limited somewhat by the size of the venue and the brevity of the ceremony.

It all changed when marriage ceremonies were permitted to take place in other venues, such as hotels, converted barns etc. Suddenly a huge white wedding industry arose and big white weddings that were not in a church became a possibility.

Why so my case different, Thumb? Because my Dh died? Lots of people think that widows shouldn't wear white or have any extravagance at their weddings.

Stuff that. I know how short life is and how elusive happiness can be, and the response that feels right for me is to decide that death has stolen enough from me already and that I'm celebrating life in all it's abundance for all the time that I have. So we booked a venue we adored, filled it with as many flowers, good food and good wine as we could afford, got dressed up to the nines and celebrated our love for each other with everyone we care about. Anyone who disapproved clearly didn't care as much as we thought and got uninvited, as you know.

The other second weddings I've attended have been friends who have gone through painful divorces (who have gone through similar emotions to bereavement, from what I can tell, only with far less support) and who have ended up with similar 'celebrate life' philosophies.

And I've got other friends who have slinked off for tiny second marriages which have entirely suited them and that great too. I just don't think anyone should feel that this is all they are allowed to have.

And I get what you're saying about thinking you'd rather stay single if anything happened to your DH. Some people do make that desicion after the pain of bereavement or divorce. But I don't think it is one that can very often truly made before one is in that situation (in which I very much hope you never find yourself).

I've never been to a third marriage. But I do know someone who is married for the third time. She had a short-lived first marriage, very young. And a long second marriage after which she was sadly widowed. And a few years ago she got married again; before I knew her so I don't know the size. But I hope it was a huge wedding!

Henry, not being a virgin is why some wedding dresses are ivory, rather than whit.

Insist on scarlet and have done! At least scarlet is flattering,!

In the best circles, illegitimacy is still not particularly acceptable. Having a child while cohabiting is much less stable for the child. Children who grow up without a father, especially boys, have more academic, social, and psychological problems.

Yes you're probably right, it doesn't really make any difference. As I said before though - their money, their choice.

And yes, I do strongly believe that I'd not do the whole relationship thing again, but then I'm already pretty old and just can't be doing with adapting to another new person if anything happened to DH (was pretty old when I got married to him as it was!)

I have been to a 3rd wedding - both parties, it was their 3rd spouse, both had been widowed twice before. No big white dress though, no bridesmaids - lovely church ceremony and back to their house for a marquee reception. Lovely!

Thanks for the input Erica but I'd hate to keep you from the 'best circles'. Off you pop.

Between the 'best circles' and 'father letting go of his responsibility for her' there is a lot on this thread annoying me!

I wore a white dress (which is said to symbolise a new beginning, rather than virginity, these days, and frankly white rather suits me). Oh and I'm forty, 80smum and I 'wafted down the aisle' on my own since I believe that being given away is sexist bullshit. You'd have loathed it!

Thumb they'd both been widowed twice before? God. That's the living embodiment of my worst nightmare. Glad they found each other.

Well sadly, my friend has since been widowed a 3rd time :( But she is 80+ so it's not really that unexpected, iyswim. Still sad though, don't get me wrong :(

Oh that is sad.

Women living longer then men means most of us end our lives as widows. I doubt it happening very late in life makes it any less devastating though.

Totally agree.

Anyway - hopefully her situation is a rarity!

Third white gig with maids and bouquet throwing? She must have enough John Lewis linen and crockery for a midsize dormitory. I presume the blushing maids are all cynical and fun 40 somethings, too? I'm trying to imagine my lovely if acid tongued and jaded friends doing a 3rd bridesmaids charade in matching gaviscon coloured dresses .

A close family member is gearing up for wedding no 3 after a christening for their did. It'll be no 2 for him.

However it'll be their first one to one another so why not do it as though its their first? Everyone gets marries assuming it'll last forever surely?

I'll be very sad if I'm not bridesmaid for a third time, won't feel resentment or bitterness at buying them a gift and will happily help plan yet another hen do.

Life is too short to moderate how we celebrate love

Karma so what do you say? Sorry, I reckon you'll get your heart broken by this one too so I'm not coming??? Or I'll come for the free food but if you give me the gift I have you last time I'll rewrap it?
If a relative or friend wanted to have a birthday party every 5 years would you refuse becausevyoud been to one before?

I loved my wedding day but I am bloody relieved I don't have to organise another one. It was nowhere near a £20k wedding either.

Somerville , I have been a lurker on your threads, huge Congratulations to you and your new husband.
I wish you every happiness in your marriage.

I think as many huge a party (size, lavishness) is fine whether it's your first or umpteenth.

But the thread title specifically says 'white' and I think that bit (white as gift wrapping of virginity) is inappropriate for subsequent weddings.

I think the "wedding industry" has a lot to answer for because it has rather narrowed ideas of what a wedding should look like. I find that a pity.

somerville yah. Didn't know the deed had been done 😬 Congrats 💐💐

Df and I are still not sure what to do for our wedding. We decided ivf was more important then wedding, hence spent thousands on that and now awaiting bubs arrival in 11w ahhhhhhh

As has huge family a registry office and party /reception somewhere would be prob what we do

I got married abroad with dh so don't want that and df got married at local reg off so don't want to go there

Stalemate lol

So yes many people get married twice as first may have needed in divorce or sadly death as mine did

3times seems a tad extreme let alone 7 - but each to own