I know I am but 3rd white wedding?

[Exileinengland1999]

A friend of mine is getting married for the 3rd time at age 43 and having her 3rd white wedding with the 3rd load of bridesmaids etc.

I know I have got major judgy pants on but Aibu to think it's a bloody waste of money.

I know- I'm being a major judgy cow and totally U and people can spend their money on what on earth they want but seriously, 3 massive white weddings? Would you not just get sick of spending 20k plus each time and think fuck it, let's just head down the registry office and to the pub!
God, I sound a horror don't i?! I just don't get the expense of it all.

karma

Which bride or groom expects their guests to spend £300 on an outfit?

Buying a new outfit is optional, as is what you spend.

No, what I'm saying is I won't be spending another £300 in an outfit and £150 in a gift or £500/1000 travelling to another wedding.

Maybe you're just very well off but this seems fairly extreme for a first wedding too tbh unless youre going to a destination wedding.

Go dowb the high street and get a nice dress if you need you have to do new tho I expect your wardrobe is not lacking. Go on etsy and buy I personalised gift and depending on location, get a taxi home or find an inexpensive but nice b&b. No one should be demanding you spend 1000-1500 on every wedding you attend!

You can't really know the circumstances though can you? My second (DHs third) wedding was very informal but I wore a wedding dress and he wore a suit because in spite of being married twice before DH had never had a white wedding. It seemed a significant thing to do for us.
Further all our children were bridesmaids as we were blending a family. No regrets.

An ex gf (who I really liked, lovely woman) of a friend of mine got married and I saw her photos on FB. She had a strapless white meringue type dress and she's about 50ish. I just thought: why??

Why not?! Do we all have to wear a sensible cream suit once we pass 40?

"Why not?! Do we all have to wear a sensible cream suit once we pass 40?"

That would be ridiculous.

But neither is is necessarily going to be the right choice to wear the traditional emblems of virginity at that age. Inexperienced at 50ish? Odd symbolism, though of course her choice.

There are oodles more choices available, and whether you should go strapless depends on your figure not your age. And whether you should go for trappings of virgin bride is a matter of personal taste. And it's as OK to think it weird as it is to like it.

I think we are a long way past believing that a white wedding dress implies that the bride is a virgin.

It's up to her of course, but I'd be a bit miffed if she was expecting the same people who'd been to her two previous weddings to bring gifts AGAIN!

In the best circles, illegitimacy is still not particularly acceptable. Having a child while cohabiting is much less stable for the child. Children who grow up without a father, especially boys, have more academic, social, and psychological problems.

The 1950s called, they want their opinions back

Yes, it's symbol of inexperience, not likelihood of actual virginity.

No-one has ever believed that all brides are virgins - well not since WW2 at least.

'the best circles'

Sounds like she enjoys weddings more than marriage itself.

If that's what she enjoys, what the heck - just join in with her happiness. I did mine on the cheap, but we're all different.

I don't think white is even meant to be symbolic of inexperience. Certainly not virginity. It's a relatively recent tradition, as far as traditions go - didn't it spring from Victoria marrying Albert in white because it was her favourite colour?

Blue has always symbolised virginity. Muire's traditional colour. Which is why most orders of nuns wear habits of blue. Not white.

I have a sneaking regard for people who say "stuff it, I don't care if it looks tacky, I want to be happy" so an invitatation to a latter-day Elizabeth Taylor's nuptials would just amuse and please me.

I think from a feminist perspective, if you don't like the symbolism of wearing white/being "given away" etc etc, IMO these rituals are being subverted and undermined when co-opted by a thrice-divorced middle aged woman, so I can't object on those grounds either.

Haha to white these days being virgin and inexperience. I'd like to think people looking at my beautiful dress liked my dress rather than sat deriding my likelihood of being a virgin at 30 having cohabited for 18 months...

"Sounds like she enjoys weddings more than marriage itself" yeah I'm sure she goes through the heartbreak of marriage breakdown for a white dress

I've a three timer too.

First hubby married at 18. Small quiet registry office do, wore a lacy black dress and only had one bridesmaid. Pub lunch after.

Second hubby married at 21. Big white wedding, 2 bridesmaids, all the frills.

Third hubby married at 38. As above, only my dress was short.

Each to their own I guess. My best friend has been bridesmaid / maid of honour at all three weddings :) My dh's family were way more judgy than my own family and friends as they knew the history - although my dad was a bit miffed that i would bother getting married again at 38!

1st marriage at very young age - white wedding - all the family - 6 months later found him in bed with friend - marriage over
i came out of closet
2nd marriage - to woman who wanted big wedding - quickly found out i was in abusive relationship - marriage ended with bruises
planning 3rd - finally found my soul mate, perfect for each other and stupidly happy - know in every way that this is a totally different relationship - she wants big wedding as its her first, we can afford it as long as we are careful and spend wisely, I don't see why I shouldn't be 'allowed' a big wedding because its not my first. If people don't like it then they can RSVP with a decline. Its our life not theirs, our money, our relationship. the style and size of the wedding has been largely influenced by the size of the family. I'm not hurting anyone and am celebrating being with someone who i honestly think will be there with me for the rest of my life.
I would rather people not come if they dont understand that.

Who are we to judge others if they are not causing anyone else harm?

This thread has made me think (and laugh). I was a bit judgy at first but hearing about the happiness and life-affirming situations that so many people have experienced or witnessed through second and third marriages has made me feel very differently. If I ever get married again I will have a big party and wear whatever I want.

Yes life is short, but in other ways it is also long, so good luck to everyone who keeps searching for happiness whatever has happened to them in the past. And finally- massive congratulations to Somerville, lovely news!

Chopsticks

I don't get it either but then I can't bear being centre of attention and H and I got married abroad on our own.

A friend's sister has been married 3 times and wouldn't let anyone come to her third wedding because she felt embarrassed that it was her third. It seemed a shame because for the first one (big wedding) she was very young and mismatched, then second husband (not such a big wedding) turned out to have a secret gambling problem and ran up huge debt she hadn't known about. The first two marriages didn't last long and she was really scarred by them but she's been married to husband #3 for a decade now. She had nothing to feel embarrassed about.

I'm a bit embarrassed at getting congratulations on my marriage on someone else's AIBU thread wasting money on subsequent weddings

But thank you!

It is sad that we all seem to judge based on how many there have been. It has been really hard deciding to do it all again. At first I was embarrassed and worried about snide comments etc. until my OH said that it didn't matter if we had been married before, this was the first time we were making this commitment to each other, it is about the here and now and the commitment we are making. We are throwing a big party to celebrate our commitment at our expense. We are not asking for gifts and I don't care if you wear a £300 dress you bought for the occasion or something from the back of the cupboard.

if you love a person, like them and respect them, then you would just enjoy the day......even if they wear a wedding dress.

As someone said up thread, we attend 'big birthday' parties for the same person more than once, i have been to yearly parties for others, I have been to vow renewals, christenings (although i am not religious), house warmings for people who keep moving, and all of these I have attended because I was happy for the person holding the event and wanted to share in their day and show them support.

newusername01 that is so sad for her.

My husband's extremely wealthy boss got married a couple of years ago in a v posh venue. Lovely traditional white wedding but only found out afterwards that it was his third wedding and her fourth. Took the shine off it a bit for me, especially as the bride was, if we were all honest, way out of his league. Reminded me of that Mrs Merton "what attracted you to the multi-millionaire... " line.

Everyone has a birthday every year, Soon. You can't really put serial weddings in the same category as birthday parties...