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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am but 3rd white wedding?

199 replies

Exileinengland1999 · 09/01/2017 20:51

A friend of mine is getting married for the 3rd time at age 43 and having her 3rd white wedding with the 3rd load of bridesmaids etc.

I know I have got major judgy pants on but Aibu to think it's a bloody waste of money.

I know- I'm being a major judgy cow and totally U and people can spend their money on what on earth they want but seriously, 3 massive white weddings? Would you not just get sick of spending 20k plus each time and think fuck it, let's just head down the registry office and to the pub!
God, I sound a horror don't i?! Blush I just don't get the expense of it all.

OP posts:
BadLad · 09/01/2017 22:36

her DF said he wasn't willing to give her away again as she kept coming back

Brilliant.

I hope he put a few boomerang jokes into his speech.

Somerville · 09/01/2017 22:40

Second weddings with a big do and a dress are tacky?
Nice.

Vows can mean everything to someone and then for all sorts of reasons they can end up single through no choice of their own. If they're lucky enough to find love again, it is not in poor taste (which is what tacky means) to celebrate that love and commitment with the wedding that they want.

Only1scoop · 09/01/2017 22:41

3rd big wedding
Tacky

CrazyCavalierLady · 09/01/2017 22:44

Not so DSIL has had two extravaganzas. Not really my business except both came with engagement party, kitchen tea, hens and gift registry. Second one had a baby shower and christening thrown in before it. Shock PIL paid for both (more fool them) but then they'd paid twice for eldest son too so ...

I have a secret chuckle all these years that I'm the only in law they'd probably like to have gotten rid of and DH and I are the only ones who've stuck. Mind you they didn't even cough up for the cost of wine they'd promised my Dad so I guess they're laughing too Hmm

Ericaequites · 09/01/2017 22:47

If you already have children by your H to be, a small, discrete wedding in a nice colored dress or suit is most appropriate.

It's best to marry the father immediately if you are expecting and plan to marry eventually. A bastard child may never live it down in a small town. My mother was born c.1938 out of wedlock, and had a miserable childhood because of it.

Littlecaf · 09/01/2017 22:49

Ericaequites

I do hope that's lighthearted.

Hmm
Only1scoop · 09/01/2017 22:53

Surely

Megatherium · 09/01/2017 22:58

I must admit that when SIL got married for the second time and produced a wedding present list, my thought was "Sod that, we forked out enough first time round". DH was nicer than me, though. However, it now looks as if she may be going for no. 3, and I think even DH isn't feeling too generous about that.

MitzyLeFrouf · 09/01/2017 22:59

'My mother was born c.1938 out of wedlock, and had a miserable childhood because of it.'

It sounds like your opinions are stuck in 1938.

Mistletoekids · 09/01/2017 23:04

YANBU

I think it's a bit much and would struggle to take more vows of till death do us part seriously tbh (unless of course marriages widowed!!!Blush)

honeyroar · 09/01/2017 23:05

Does the friend who got married seven times have a compilation video or Best Of album? 😄

Isadora2007 · 09/01/2017 23:15

My vows did mean something to me. But unfortunately they didn't mean much to my ex husband. What should I have done? Sat in mourning forever and refused the divorce?
I was remarried with a lovely white dress and big "do" and many of the people who were at my first wedding were at the second.
My dad did say "no returns this time" at the altar though! 😂

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2017 23:17

He refused to make a speech BadLad. Run out of jokes maybe!

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 23:18

YABU. Your friend is excited to be marrying again. I think you should join her in the excitement, not judge her.

BadLad "I hope he put a few boomerang jokes into his speech."

I hope he doesn't, he should be supportive... as should the OP, IMHO!

GerardNoWay · 09/01/2017 23:21

Find this a bit depressing.

DP is divorced, I have never been married.

Sort of depresses me that if we do get married his side will be viewing it as 'doing it all over again' and feeling resentful of celebrating and all of the stuff that comes with a wedding.

I'm not big on the me, me, me white weddings, but each to their own. YABU from that perspective.

MitzyLeFrouf · 09/01/2017 23:22

Imagine marrying someone knowing they'd been through it all six times already.

Longdistance · 09/01/2017 23:26

I couldn't do it 3 times. I've only married the once, still am. If he's off I'm never doing it again.

Pallisers · 09/01/2017 23:28

If every payday they wanted to draw their salaries out in cash and dance naked around it as it burned that is just as legitimate as whatever you spend your wages on.

It is legitimate as in it is legal but it is a silly use of money. Of course people can do whatever they like with their money (and all sorts of other choices people make in life) but that doesn't mean other people can't form an opinion on what they are doing.

If I saw someone taking out all their money, and dancing naked around it while it burned just for the hell of it, I would think they lacked judgement and were a bit attention-seeking.

If I saw someone take out their money, give 25 percent to charity, take their parents out for lunch and pay the bills with the rest I might think they were generous and sensible.

We are all entitled to do whatever we want in our personal lives but of course people will form judgments about who we are based on it.

I can well see why the OP is a bit bemused - 3 big white weddings is unusual and as someone said the triumph of hope over experience. I wish them well, along with the OP.

kilmuir · 09/01/2017 23:30

YANBU.
Madness

HollaHolla · 09/01/2017 23:31

I'll be going to a friend's third wedding in April. All full on, but very much themed as to what her husbands have been into. Both have been good affairs.
The first was when we were students, and I bought a pair of 'expensive' Jones the Bootmaker shoes for about £60. I wore them to the first wedding..... And the second. I almost want to wear them to the third for a hat trick. I do like to remind her the shies have outlasted the marriages!

Somerville · 09/01/2017 23:34

I couldn't do it 3 times. I've only married the once, still am. If he's off I'm never doing it again.

I think most of the people on here who disapprove of having a celebratory wedding more than once have probably had the same great fortune as you.

user1475253854 · 09/01/2017 23:40

I think it depends on the situation. I know celebrities are different but Michael palin was almost begging John Cleese not to get married this time...

If you are widowed or one partner cheats/leaves then I don't see anything wrong with having another big do.

Though as a pp has said, I would hate to be Wife #3 to someone!

Butteredpars1ps · 09/01/2017 23:40

I know what you mean OP. I know someone who is marrying for a third time, but it will be his Bride's first. Understandably she is ridiculously excited - as she should be - but my heart sinks a tiny bit at the thought of it all for a third time.

Then I have to give myself a good talking to and remember she hasn't actually done it before...

TheCraicDealer · 09/01/2017 23:40

What's to say big white weddings the first time round aren't unnecessarily extravagant and self-indulgent?

Well yes, they are. And I say that as someone who is currently planning a big white wedding. But I think people are more like to forgive those on wedding no. 1 plumping for the awkwardly situated venue, stringent dress code, dove release, pricey accommodation and hotel drinks prices as "you only do it once!" and all that shit. Once you get to no. 3 you can't really say that anymore.

Big White Weddings generally come with a higher price tag for the guests as well. I read a thing recently which said that it costs guests on average £377 (yes I had to google the exact figure) to attend a wedding, including travel, accommodation, an outfit and gift. Using that average, there's some guests that might have spent upwards of £1,000 on attending OP's mate's wedding by the time they see this one out.

I also think as women we're sold that our wedding day is our one "special day", our chance to wear a fuck off dress, be treated "like a princess" (vom), be feted and generally have every affordable whim attended to- the pinnacle of womanhood. When someone does that for a third time (instead of sloping off discretely), there's a little part of some people that goes, "AGAIN? Greedy cow".

80schild · 09/01/2017 23:44

YABU but one thing I don't get is how anyone would want to go through it all again.

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