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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:

HorridHenryrule · 10/01/2017 19:08

Octopus do you know when your husband cums because I don't.

YorkiesGlasses · 10/01/2017 19:09

I think the part where the DH had sex without out any contraception indicated an indifference to having another baby. I don't want another baby, there is no way I'd do anything without contraception. It's not like the OP is pretending to be on the pill or making holes in condoms.

I do not want another baby. My partner and I use two forms of contraception. I have no intention of getting pregnant. And I'm a woman, so I get to control whether I continue with a pregnancy or not.

I cannot imagine being a man who doesn't want anymore children and then spunking in my partner anyway. What do they tell themselves to make it alright? Do they even tell themselves anything, or just assume the woman has some magic sperm vanishing power that kicks in whenever she chooses to use it?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 19:10

How can people complain about the "vitriol" shown to the OP (which I don't see any evidence of) and yet ignore some of the awful things that have been said about the husband?

I agree

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 19:10

"Usually we use condoms, sometimes withdrawal, and it has worked fine for us for 10 years with two planned pregnancies."

So he proceeded without a condom, it was reasonable to expect he'd use the other method ie withdrawal until... the moment he didn't! How is that not only up to him, octopus?

Andrewofgg · 10/01/2017 19:13

^If you cum in a woman knowing she isn't on the pill then you must want more babies.

Logical, but this is a matter where neither women nor men are always logical. Or reasonable.

TBH it sounds like the sort of thing I would have said when I was a very young and very foolish man. I'm still a man, no longer young, and I hope not so bloody foolish either.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 10/01/2017 19:14

Congratulations op - I hope you tell your husband soon. Neither my dh or I were sure we wanted a 2nd child. An accident with the coil and ds2 is 1 now and we couldn't be without him. We were both initially shocked but came round to the idea and now love him to bits! Best of luck

YorkiesGlasses · 10/01/2017 19:15

More projection! You have NO WAY of knowing if that will be his reaction. He could very well entirely blame himself (as it is indeed jointly his fault). Even if he does, it's not going to make the OP feel any better about this baby, if his response to the news is regret and anger with himself.

I can only go by what the OP has posted. She said they have had 'heated discussions' about having a third baby - he definitely doesn't want one. At some point he has told her that he would be 'devastated' by another baby. He apparently had nothing to say about cumming in his wife, and nothing to say about doing anything about it afterwards.

Let's just say, I know which outcome I'd bet on.

Mindtrope · 10/01/2017 19:27

Surely a couple should work as a team when it comes to reproductive choices?
There was a time when I was keen to have a third child and my OH didn't.

We discussed it and agreed to avoid conception at least for a while.
I used a diaphragm to avoid pregnancy- even though I would have liked to become pregnant.
The diaphragm was a method that we were both most comfortable with.
My OH tends to lose control somewhat during sex and I could easily have encouraged him to ejaculate inside me without my diaphragm, but I didn't because I knew that we as a couple had made the decision against another child.

It's about working as a team, a partnership.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 19:28

Octopus do you know when your husband cums because I don't.

Yes, actually, I do have a pretty good idea. But then, we're quite old now and have done it a fair few times over the years! But even so, if I knew he had the views the OP's bloke has, then I would have tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Oi, should we be doing this?"

You know, what with joint responsibility and all that. The only reason the OP didn't do that was because she hoped he'd carry on regardless (carried away after a few drinks, who knows?). That's what sits uneasily with me. She didn't step in and assert her joint responsibility, because it suited her not to.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 19:29

Where was the DH's teamwork when he put his uncondomed penis into her vagina and ejaculated, mind?

He could've put a condom on, just as you put your diaphragm in.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 19:31

Seriously, octopus?

As they have used withdrawal before and, presumably, he does withdraw in time as it's been part of their practice for ten years, why would she be responsible for him not doing so this time? Maybe she'd just come herself, or was just about to?

Wow.

Vandree · 10/01/2017 19:33

Mumsnet is another world sometime and the misogyny is blinding on this thread. OP, congratulations. I understand you feeling nervous especially after reading this thread. Just remember you didnt go around telling him you were "on the pill" (my db has two children from that lie, hes a bit thick they were never on the pill) or put holes in the condoms or anything else. You had unprotected sex with your partner, you are both fertile and your bodies did what they do naturally in most cases. Hes a grown ass man and if he dares to berate you for a pregnancy then he needs to cop on and grow up.

My dh and I have used the withdrawal method for 14 out of our 17 years together. I have pcos and it worked for us. I had to take medication to conceive and he was happy after we had 2 dc and I wanted more. 4 years of using the withdrawal method about 50% of the time and nothing the rest and him knowing I wasn't on birth control I fell pregnant against all odds as I hadn't had a period in a year. It was a shock to both of us but if my dh dared tell me I should have been tracking my cycle or gotten the MAP after he got his jollies and took no precautions himself I would have been disgusted with him and his attitude. I was terrified telling him, actually hid in another room leaving the test on the table because I couldn't bare to see the disappointment on his face. After a minute of shock he was over the moon. Not once did he berate me because he is an adult and a grown ass man.

I hope it works out for you OP, will be thinking of you.

Original poster

Babysuprise · 10/01/2017 19:36

Thanks Vandree.

OP posts:

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 19:38

the misogyny is blinding on this thread.

What about the attacks on the man here? Got a word for that?

In the interests of balance, of course.

EddieStobbart · 10/01/2017 19:40

if I knew he had the views the OP's bloke has, then I would have tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Oi, should we be doing this?"

You know, what with joint responsibility and all that

That scenario isn't one of joint responsibility, it's one where the OP takes on the responsibility. Maybe she was away with the moment as well and he should have tapped on her shoulder, why didn't he?

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 19:41

I don't think he deserves to be attacked, and I haven't done so. Indeed, he may be annoyed with himself when he is told and thinks back to his cavalier attitude. That annoyance would be better placed on himself than op.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilentBatperson · 10/01/2017 19:42

None of us can know whether OP's part in DH not withdrawing leaves her open to blame without much, much more information. There simply hasn't been enough information for us to know whether it's normal for them to both assume withdrawal will occur if no condom is used and whether OP is able to tell if DH is about to ejaculate (and personally I'm not sure we need to get an answer to the latter, there does come a point of TMI). Because we don't know this, what octopus is saying is just some stuff she's made up without any idea whether it applies.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 19:46

Because we don't know this, what octopus is saying is just some stuff she's made up without any idea whether it applies.

FFS, ME making stuff up???? This whole thread is FULL of (other) people projecting scenarios according to their own prejudices - usually anti-man.
I'm just trying to redress the balance here.

Baylisiana · 10/01/2017 19:47

I am trying to imagine DP's reaction over the years if I had suggested withdrawal method or not using anything when not ttc. I would have been laughed out of the place. If anything had gone amiss he would definitely have been on to it immediately and asking about MAP. This thread is nonsense, OP is holding something back.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 19:47

That annoyance would be better placed on himself than op.

Of course, and that's what I said. But it's not going to make her feel joyous about her pregnancy, if his first response is fury at himself for letting it happen.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 19:48

Yy to TMI, silent.

Folks: in this partnership, the DH has held responsibility for contraception for ten years, with condoms or withdrawal. He chose, on Christmas Eve, to ignore that.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 19:49

Even if she'd gone and taken the MAP and it had worked, at that point, he was still the one who "broke the arrangement" re withdrawing

Iggi999 · 10/01/2017 19:49

Even if he had withdrawn, the OP could still have become pregnant.

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