AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

[Babysuprise]

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

But the op didnt want to prevent it. She wants another child. She is not be actively trying to conceive (if withdrawal is their contraception of choice she has no control over trying to conceive, that lies entirely within the control of the husband) but that doesnt mean she has to actively try and prevent it. I could almost have a little sympathy with the husband if this was a contraception failure (i.e. a condom split or the pill hasnt worked) but again, the woman would have the final say in whether she wished to keep the child or not. but no man, who declares such strong feelings against his desire to have anymore children, accidentally ejaculates into his wife.

I think part of the negative comments initially to the OP were because the way she worded her first couple of posts , including the coy "wasn't inclined to get the MAP", plus her reticence to reveal exactly what the accidental contraceptive failure was.

However since we now know that the only methods this couple are using are condoms or withdrawal, and her husband decided to use neither, I'm on the OP's side.
She needs to tell him ASAP, and tell him to man up and take the consequences.

Honest to god if anyone ever again asks me just why we still need feminism in the UK I will show them this horrible, horrible thread.

If anything we have gone backwards in this regard. I'm fairly sure that in the past people would have been horrified at the suggestion that it was "morally" fine for a husband to leave his wife because she was pregnant after they had unprotected sex and she did not want an abortion. People wouldn't have thought the man was a poor little victim who had been deceived by his wife.

Marynary - yes they would, always have done. Hope things will change for our daughters but I wouldn't hold your breath

But a man that only wanted one child and had another as a compromise ( whatever that means ) and in the OP's words will be devastated about her being pregnant, wouldn't have done so so carelessly.

Can you tell us what has led you to this conclusion navyandwhite? It's just that there are a number of posters who've said they have experience of a man doing exactly this. And yet you seem to think it's categorically not possible. Do you think those posters are lying?

Dunno navy
You'd think she might have mentioned that in a 20 page thread wouldn't you?

Can I just say that withdrawal is not an effective method of contraception.

As Billy Connolly once put it "I'd like to thank the Catholic church for promoting the withdrawal method of contraception, without which I wouldn't be here at all!"

Taking this story at face value, it seems that both parties here have been as bad as each other. Neither seems to have realised that actions have consequences.

But you didn't just say you found it hard to compute navy. You said it wouldn't have happened. And yet we know that sometimes it does. I find it hard to understand why he was so stupid too, but that doesn't mean OP has to be lying.

No. It also wouldn't be the first time someone was stupid enough to ejaculate in someone who wants a child and then not concern himself with the details, even when he really didn't want one. With that in mind, I'm not sure how we can decide which one of these unfortunate behaviours has happened here.

What a pair if numptys! Their relationship sounds idyllic! So trusting and great communication!

YANBU your DH chose freely to engage in unprotected sex. He might be angry or even walk but if you have a termination you don't want to undergo it will have devastating emotional consequences for you and your relationship.

Typical mums net batshit crazy thread on unplanned pgs.

Seems it will always be thus here.

Go speak to someone irl OP, i think you've abandoned this thread and I think you were right to do that!

Go speak to someone irl OP

Like your DH.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't recall that the OP said the DH accidentally ejaculated in her or didn't pull out. She just said the had "unprotected sex", and that their contraceptive methods were using a condom and sometimes withdrawal.

But the "withdrawal method" is unprotected sex, or that is what I thought. Whether he pulls on time or not, as PickledCauliflower said, seminal fluid is often released before ejaculation and OP could have got pregnant this way.

If this is what happened, then the DH has no reason to suspect anything or to have been worried about discussing that the OP take a MAP. If all these years he wrongly thought the withdrawal method was not unprotected sex, there is no reason why he would be worried about what they did on Christmas.

I think that's most of the internet Navy. People want advice but only want to show themselves in the best light, thereby making any advice slanted.

I also think people arguing here mostly have just been pushing there own bias. All women are bad or all men are bad. The truth is both were stupid.

Elle - basic biology is his own responsibility and 'getting away with it' for ten years is anecdotal and proof of bog all.

the OPs DH had unprotected sex with her, knowing she wasn't taking any contraception or even monitoring period dates (not that the latter would be effective), how can he possibly blame her for her getting pregnant, or think he was 'deceived' is beyond me!

As for the poster who said the DH would be morally within his rights to leave because of this....that's one of th most appalling I've read in a long time! There are many valid reasons why a marriage might fail and a split up occurs, but "I walked out because I didn't want a third child, and my wife refused to have an abortion after we'd had unprotected sex" isn't one of them, and certainly isn't 'moral'!!

The reason the female generally takes care of contraception is based on the pill, you take it everyday regardless of wether you have sex or not and you don't take it during sex, most men who get 'tricked' is due to the woman lying about taking it, or not as the case may be. If these two both knew that the op wasn't taking the pill then they are both fools. It takes two to have sex so surely it takes two to say 'hang on we are not covered for this' to put the blame on just one is wrong, they are both as foolish as each other BUT to lie about contraction is VERY very wrong and I can't help but think due to the OPs desire for anther child and lack of feedback that she may have misled her partner into a false sense of security! If this is what happened then she puts women to shame and gives us all a bad name. I've heard of women like this and is horrible.

I can't help but think due to the OPs desire for anther child and lack of feedback that she may have misled her partner into a false sense of security!

How, exactly? And with his failure to use contraception or to give any feedback after they had unprotected sex, maybe he's the one who misled her into a false sense of security!

"she puts women to shame and gives us all a bad name"

What utter drivel. Whatever a woman has done, how can one person put 50-odd percent of the population 'to shame'. Unless, of course, you have the massively sexist view that women aren't people in their own right?

Never read about an individual man 'putting men to shame...'