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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
SilentBatperson · 10/01/2017 17:34

I imagine the OP has been at the very least hoping and hoping she has conceived and that in itself is a form of deceit.

How?! Seriously, what is the rationale here? A lot of the people who've accused OP of deceit have done so based on things they've assumed or invented, but you seem to be saying she's deceitful simply because, without lying or misleading DH, she hoped his actions would lead to an outcome she'd already told him she wanted. How is this a form of deceit?

Agree with the poster who said whether or not this is a genuine thread, the wider issues raised are of interest and importance.

Andrewofgg · 10/01/2017 17:35

HelenDenver She should have told him by now. If he's going to react badly it's not going to get any better by waiting, is it?

O/t greetings from another aficionado of Sayers!

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2017 17:37

MNHQ give people the benefit on the basis that although many of us have been around for ages, we could all still lie.

ollieplimsoles · 10/01/2017 17:41

A lot of the people who've accused OP of deceit have done so based on things they've assumed or invented

Well she hasn't given us much else to go on really has she?

I just find it hard to believe he'd cum inside her without thinking about the consequences. he's a moron, but so is she.

EddieStobbart · 10/01/2017 17:41

This thread, bloody hell.

If my DH said he didn't want another kid then was willing to have a shag without contraception I'd assume he'd changed his mind because he takes responsibility for his own actions.

What would you say if your 17 year old DS did this? Would you tell him not to worry, it's all his girlfriend's fault that he didn't wear a condom?

HorridHenryrule · 10/01/2017 17:42

Navy of course he should know especially given the circumstances. Me personally I always waited a month after missing a period before I tested myself. What can he do about it he has to pay for him or her for 18 years.

EddieStobbart · 10/01/2017 17:44

And fucking hell, even if it was her "safe" time of the month, it's not bloody safe,l. I knew that when I was 12. Did none of you ever read Just 17?

NotYoda · 10/01/2017 17:44

Helen

Aaah yes, what I *should^ have said is it's this post I agree with (from Buster)

"Its a shame that a married couple can't use the brains they were born with really. That's what it amounts too [sic]"

Original poster
Babysuprise · 10/01/2017 17:49

I can't believe this thread has so many replies. I've read some but didn't have much to add really. Whoever mentioned ovulation, I counted on 14 days from last period and reckoned it would be about the 21st. To be honest I did hope to be pregnant but thought it was unlikely given it was after ovulation, but maybe I was wrong about that.
I haven't yet spoken to DH, this thread has made me feel more anxious about it.
I still don't feel I lied or deceived though.

OP posts:
MrsGB2015 · 10/01/2017 17:52

Tbh if this is true you should tell him ASAP. This story is bound to be picked up by The Daily Mail and the longer you keep it a secret the worst it gets. I hope everything works out for your kids sake.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 17:53

Given it was after ovulation, OP, MAP may well have been ineffective even if you had got it.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 17:54

To be honest I did hope to be pregnant

Right....

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 17:57

"HelenDenver She should have told him by now. If he's going to react badly it's not going to get any better by waiting, is it?"

Neither is it going to get worse by waiting less than 48h (so far) from the test!

Sure, no waiting months but a few days to get settled in her own mind makes no difference.

I think I waited longer for DC1 as Gerald Wink my DH was working away and wanted to tell him F2F. Other women wait until they've done a second test, prayed to their personal goddess or whatever.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 17:59

No difference to the situation, but might make all the difference to OP, I mean.

If I had something important to tell DH that wasn't urgent, I might wait for the weekend, say. Is that wrong?

MissStein · 10/01/2017 18:08

But OP has always openly said she wanted another child. How is that being deceitful?

OP take your time and address this with your husband with as clear a head as possible and when you feel ready to. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Congrats on your pregnancy x

SittingAround1 · 10/01/2017 18:09

OP I hope it goes well when you tell your DH.
FWIW I think if a man has unprotected sex with a woman who he knows is fertile & wants a baby then he shouldn-t really be shocked if he ends up a father again.

I get the impression from this thread that biology/sex education needs improving!

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Munchkin1412 · 10/01/2017 18:27

He didn't feel strongly enough to prevent it - he'll probably be fine about it or at least ambivalent.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 18:28

Why, Navy? What difference does it make waiting until the weekend, say, when they've more time to chat?

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 18:29

Wow, there's some serious problems with people's comprehension on this thread. Plus, a huge amount of projection and extrapolation.

How can people complain about the "vitriol" shown to the OP (which I don't see any evidence of) and yet ignore some of the awful things that have been said about the husband? And I haven't seen anyone solely blaming the OP at all, but many, many people laying the blame at just the husband for not pulling out/using a condom.

Contraception is down to BOTH OF THEM, regardless of whether the OP really wants another baby, because they have not made a decision as a couple to go for it. For her to shrug and say, "oops" whilst grinning behind her hand, is not taking care of their marriage, when she knows he will not have the same response. She's clearly nervous about his reaction, as I suspect she is secretly feeling guilty for her part in it, by which I mean her JOINT responsibility to discuss using a condom or withdrawing. Not just hers or just his, but theirs.

BusterGonad · 10/01/2017 18:30

Eddie if I had a 17 year old son who got a girl pregnant I'd think they are both fools, but they are 17, this is why I'm so baffled that a grown man would ejectulate inside his wife when he knows she's not on the pill and he isn't wearing a condom, also knowing his wife wants a baby! I just can't get my head around it, and maybe foolishly came to the wrong conclusion! I Just thought it was a bit convenient that was all, obviously I'm an completely wrong and the husband was foolish and the wife has her longed for baby. So it's all good.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 18:32

His dick. How is she responsible for him withdrawing, if that's their method?

She's not grinning behind her hand. A secret hope and a lot of nervousness are hardly grinning.

And if you can't see the vitriol to her, you must be on another thread!

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 18:33

"maybe foolishly came to the wrong conclusion!"

Do you have the OP's posts highlighted? Best way to read what she actually said rather than the speculation of others...

SleightOfMind · 10/01/2017 18:34

Congrats OP Flowers

Shocked at the attitudes on this thread!

You've done absolutely nothing wrong but want something different to your DH.

I'm baffled as to why people are claiming there is deceit or deception here. Maybe there are lots of posters still grieving the children they didn't get to have and wishing their DPs had been as careless?

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 18:39

This, for example, is pretty vitriolic:

"Bollocks.

You will have told him you were at a 'safe' point in your cycle or something similar, you have either lied to him that it was ok to have sex or lied to convince him you don't need to rush to get a morning after pill. If he was adamant he didn't want a third child he would have made sure it was ok and trusted you.

I know this sounds really un-feminist of me but I feel really sorry for your dh. Its clear you don't give a fuck and you definitely planned this.

Shame on you, but you got what you wanted. I would never do this to my dh."

Calling the op a liar, saying shame on her and that she didn't give a fuck (presumably about her DP).

Nothing about him not giving a fuck about her by coming inside her unprotected or shame on him.