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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:

BusterGonad · 10/01/2017 18:39

Helen your like a dog with a bone, I love it!

ChocolateWombat · 10/01/2017 18:40

What astounds me me is the lack of communication inn this relationship.

Having a baby is a big deal and two married people should be able to communicate about having a child and be in agreement before they create one.

These guys are not 2 teenagers who through immaturity fail to communicate about contraception, and she isn't a single woman desperate for a baby who hen goes out to have sex with any man who has sperm to make a baby, and she isn't a woman who has had sex with a man she barely knows so doesn't tell him there's a chance she could be pregnant........but these guys are behaving and communicating like teenagers. They hardy sound like mature adults with a close relationship who are ready for another child.

This is why it is all so sad. It's not really about the DH just having to accept he had sex and made a baby - but the fact he doesn't want to be a father again and will find that he is. It's about the OP being complicit in having unprotected sex on a fertile day, knowingly choosing not to access emergency contraception because she would like a baby and putting her own desires first. Because wouldn't we all agree that in an ideal world, couples who find they are having a baby will have both actively chosen to do so.

I feel sad because another baby is going to be born into a broken relationship. The OP will get her third child - hurray, she is the winner. DH finds somehow he is a father again which he didn't want. He can't complain because he had unprotected sex and it was his choice......but like many men before, he will be left with a feeling that's somehow he hasn't been 'used'. .....and TBH, you'd just hope that you don't get that kind of feeling from your own wife, but you'd hope that a big decision like having a baby would be an active choice made by both parties.

Seems like a hollow 'victory' for the OP and however much people emphasise that DH chose to have unprotected sex, there remains a sense of a woman who wanted a baby using the man to achieve her own personal wishes,mregardless of whether it was what he wanted.

PollytheDolly · 10/01/2017 18:41

Just a thought.....

Maybe deep down, he would like another baby?

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 18:43

What can I say, Buster?

This is a woman in a difficult situation and she's had 24 hours of slamming on this thread (not non stop but I think a slight majority); she, and any other woman reading who might be in a similar situation, deserves to know the vitriol is misplaced and misogynistic.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 18:45

Why would anyone be nervous raising a subject with their spouse that in the past had caused heated arguments, Navy?

Captain obvious called, btw. Can you call her back?

BusterGonad · 10/01/2017 18:45

Well done chocolate, you've summed it up nicely. I wholeheartedly agree with you.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 18:48

Hollow victory is about right. Because wouldn't the preferred way to do it be to jointly decide to have a third child, and dispense with contraception knowingly? That way, a positive result is a true cause for celebration for both parties.

This way, when the OP breaks the news to her dh, she's nervous about it. She's not going to get the joyous rapture from him that she wants, because she knows he didn't want another child. He's therefore going to be furious with himself for being so careless and stupid. No one knows that he's going to blame her (despite the number of people on here who've decided that that will be his stance). How deflated is the OP going to feel at his lack of enthusiasm (at best) at the news?

So, yes, she's got what she wanted. But it hasn't happened in the best way really has it?

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 18:50

Maybe deep down, he would like another baby?

Which part of "We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one." and "I know DH will be devastated" led you to that conclusion?

BusterGonad · 10/01/2017 18:53

Helen this is a aibu thread, is it not? They are usually a bit cut throat. Maybe the op should've posted elsewhere then.

EddieStobbart · 10/01/2017 18:55

How can you feel used by a baby when you did something that would directly make that baby? He isn't a teenager, he's a 40'odd year old man with two children who can hardly plead ignorance. It would be like me seeing a nail on the floor, stamping on it and wondering why I then had a nail sticking into my foot.

witsender · 10/01/2017 18:56

The part where he didn't use contraception, withdraw or discuss is later despite knowing his wife wanted a baby perhaps Octopus?

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollytheDolly · 10/01/2017 18:58

Which part of "We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one." and "I know DH will be devastated" led you to that conclusion?

Because he did it anyway. She doesn't know how he will be until she tells him.

Still waiting for that outcome. Where is she?

EddieStobbart · 10/01/2017 18:59

I think the part where the DH had sex without out any contraception indicated an indifference to having another baby. I don't want another baby, there is no way I'd do anything without contraception. It's not like the OP is pretending to be on the pill or making holes in condoms.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 18:59

She's posted within the last hour, polly, and stated she hasn't told him yet. The thread is 26h old,

AIBU is no excuse for rudeness, buster,

Andrewofgg · 10/01/2017 19:00

Maybe deep down, he would like another baby?

Wasn't there a thread like this last year which ended up with father-to-be-again overjoyed when it actually happened?

We can but hope.

HelenDenver · 10/01/2017 19:01

Correction: she posted one hour and ten minutes ago. On the previous page, polly, if you have the default 25 posts per page on.

You're welcome.

YorkiesGlasses · 10/01/2017 19:01

Why would anyone be nervous about being pregnant whose husband had knowingly ejaculated in her?

Have you read this thread?!

Misogyny is deeply ingrained in our society in general. The OP's husband will have no problem feeling like the wronged party.

EddieStobbart · 10/01/2017 19:03

"I'm pregnant"

"What? How?"

"Remember that time we had sex on Christmas Eve? You didn't withdraw (that fail-safe method of contraception)"

"How dare you be pregnant!"

Ok.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 19:05

The OP's husband will have no problem feeling like the wronged party.

See? More projection! You have NO WAY of knowing if that will be his reaction. He could very well entirely blame himself (as it is indeed jointly his fault). Even if he does, it's not going to make the OP feel any better about this baby, if his response to the news is regret and anger with himself.

HorridHenryrule · 10/01/2017 19:06

What witsender said if he didn't want a baby then he should have taken better care. If you cum in a woman knowing she isn't on the pill then you must want more babies.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 19:06

You didn't withdraw

But it's not only down to him for that to happen!

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 19:07

If you cum in a woman knowing she isn't on the pill then you must want more babies.

You really believe that's true?

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