AIBU to be annoyed that they cleared my grandma's house a week after she went in a care home?

[Stiffanky]

My grandma is 96 and until the end of December2016, lived on her own. Over the past few months she's been getting more forgetful and has been wandering off on her own (without a coat in the cold) and getting lost. My parents made the decision that for her own safety she should go in a care home. They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. I specifically told my parents not to throw anything of hers away until I'd had a chance to see her house and her things. I've found the process really difficult and emotional and I just wanted to spend some time in her home as it was, with her personality and character in it. Here we are, what, 10 days later and I discover that my dad has basically cleared her house, thrown loads of her stuff away and not even given me the opportunity to go there.... so many of my memories are in that house of her and my late grandpa and I find his lack of empathy so upsetting. Just had a blazing row with my parents about it... AIBU?

Sorry 10 days.

and on the market

I think several people need to take a long hard look at themselves

"Sorry it's not up to you,her children are responsible and will be living with a shed load of stress.Your memories of somebody else don't really count" seriously?! Her memories of her GRAN (who is still alive by the way) don't COUNT?!!!!!

also did

Of course, the OP has a right to insist, not just because she has POA, but as a loving granddaughter. I am glad that your grandmother has you in her corner, OP.

But you didn't 'ask' OP. You 'told'. Surely you should sit down and discuss these things together, and make joint decisions, not put your wants and needs above others. Just can't see why you wouldn't have said '... can you let me know when you are going to clear the house and I will make sure I come to the house before then...'. Seems no consideration shown on either side TBH. And not having a go at you btw; just giving my opinion on what it comes accross as from your post.

Greenginger posted too soon

Also did you miss that the op has power of attorney so not just morally but LEGALLY does indeed have rights in this situation.

As I said I've worked in several homes I've NEVER heard of visitors being told to stay away. I think that's very concerning and would never have a relative of mine go into a home with that policy. And I have experience with dementia and similar both professionally and personally, familiar faces HELP.

As for a pp talking about elderly dementia sufferers 'kicking off' you might want to think about your language use.

I've not read the whole thread, but I understand your POV OP. I too am very sentimental, and very close to my grandparents. I took many photos of my Granny's house before she had to sell it and move to sheltered accommodation. I think your Dad has been very unreasonable. Hope you can visit your Grandma very soon.

YANBU, OP.

Livelovebehappy..... that is EXACTLY what I did. We had the discussion... my parents, myself and my husband and I said just that. Feels like we are arguing over semantics. I am not a dictator, I don't force my will upon anyone else. But with a character like my dad, sometimes you do have to speak up to make your voice heard, or not, as the case may be.

And I haven't once put my needs above anyone else's.... you are interpreting my comments in that way because you want to. The reason I'm so f***g annoyed about it is because we did discuss it rationally, they (seemingly) understood my point of view - which was not unreasonable - and yet went ahead and did the opposite anyway. It's not my mum's fault... it's my dad's. and as others have said, I have legal power of attorney so I do have every right to insist. Are you struggilng to understand that ?

I have legal power of attorney so I do have every right to insist

and if you share PoA, so does the other party.

There are times when I am glad I am an only child - and only have PoA with myself! When MIL dies or needs care it will be very different - 3 siblings and various grown up grandchildren to please. Someone is bound to do something someone else doesn't like.

I'm really concerned about some of the attitudes about dementia on this thread. It can manifest in very different ways. And there are often many areas in which a person with dementia is still able to remember and understand and should have choices and agency over what happens to them. And dementia does and should not give adult children some sort off automatic rights over their parents to make decisions without involving the dementia patient herself or to the exclusion of other family members, especially those they are close to.

Seneca falls... I agree. My grandma has days when she appears to feel no connection to her (old) home but other days when she is quite lucid. I suspect that she will have no knowledge/ comprehension of what my parents have done and whilst it's no doubt the right thing to do, there was no need to do it so quickly.

I have legal power of attorney so I do have every right to insist
First off POAs don't have to run things past one another- they can act independently as your DM has in asking your DF to clear the house
.Secondly POA is about making financial and health and welfare decisions on behalf and in the best intersts of the donor..It is not about demanding access to sit in the donor's house.

..amd surely if the house is no longer of any use to gran, her interests are best served by selling or renting the house ASAP so it, or the money it raises can earn a return for her, not having it sitting empty so t GDs can mope about in it.
So you understand what POA is all about, you don't sound as though you do?

Sadly sometimes it is necessary to move quickly when the dementia reaches a tipping point. This was the case for my DMiL. One day she was in her own home the next she was found a place in a care home.

OP, my DM died when I was 4yo. My DF thought it 'best' to dispose of everything relating to her, including all my baby photos, hospital bracelet etc. So I really, really know how it feels not to be able to hold on to sentimental keepsakes.
But I do think you are coming across rather aggressively on here. Some posters have disagreed with you, others have been rude. But you have been steadfast in your 'I'm right, he's wrong' stance and refused to listen to others' points of view.
I hope that you and your DF had now made peace.
I presume that many of your Gran's little nik-naks are with her in her new home, so at least you will be able to see her surrounded by things that make her home 'home'.
My DGM has advanced dementia, it breaks my heart.

Thanks for the update stiffanky, sorry you've had some people on here who have nothing better to do than criticise you, especially those who can't be bothered to not only RTWFT but specifically to actually read what you've said!

I hope your grandma settles and that at least she has some of her things with her at the home.

OP is getting a hard time because this is AIBU not chat and because she has been rude to some of those who dont 100% agree with her. Also because the gran hasnt been visited yet and many people have tried to point out that there is an elderly, probably distressed, lady who needs her family and that is more important than a few possessions.

Places in homes are not generally kept open for long, there are usually waiting lists. The move was delayed - and I think that was right - but sometimes a quick move has to happen for the safety of the person concerned. It's possible to have lucid moments and still be found naked in the middle of the road on a freezing cold night (real life story about less elderly person).

It's a bit like father, like daughter here. As the person with shared POA arrangements should have been made and dates set for mother and daughter to clear the property together.

Although it was said that a lot of stuff had been thrown out that doesnt necessarily mean everything. I imagine some items are left even if not what the OP might have chosen. And the gran is still alive and there may be time to make new memories.

I've not read the whole thread, but wanted to point out a couple of things in response to some comments -

No council tax is charged on an empty house if the owner is in a care home.

A house does not have to be sold to pay care home fees if a spouse is living in it.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. Having had a similar thing happen in my family, it can be heartbreaking and very damaging to relationships.

{Not read whole thread due to lappy being a muppet.}

I think that sounds terribly upsetting OP. I'm sorry your dad is such a bully.

OP: I would recommend you call the home, not because your mother is likely to be lying but because you plainly have concerns it it may help you to clarify exactly what the advice was.

I have known mental health /dementia care units and homes give the 'settling in' advice. I've not come across it for residential care homes but my personal experiences are obviously limited.

I would also be quite straight with them that you have found the whole situation distressing and you want to understand more about their daily routine and management of residents such as your DGM, so that you can work out how best to support her in your capacity as PoA holder.

It is important to have a joined up view between joint PoAs when dealing iwth service providers. I used to equate it to presenting a united face to recalcitrant teenagers in one case.

As you doubtless know, but some PPs may not given the comments - PoA gives you responsibilities to protect the interest and rights of the dependent but no protection for your own interests and rights. In this scenario unless disposal of goods deprived the dependent of value its had to see how the PoA has been breeched.

I think your attitude stinks OP.

You're an hour away. Your parents have been caring for a 96 year old with increasing dementia AND a disabled son at home.

I don't think you have the first fucking clue what that will have been like for them.

How dare you snipe at them for going away for a couple of weeks each year and using respite. Where were you wth offers of care then?
And how dare you try and impose your will on them for Christmas like that. If you had bothered to think about your gran you would have worked out that asking a 96 year old with dementia and a tendency to wander to sleep in any house other than her own for those two nights was ridiculous. But you don't know, do you, because you're an hour away and your parents do this almost entirely in their own.

Maybe your Dad IS a bit controlling. But maybe that's because in between caring for his elderly demented mother in law and his disabled son that's the only way he can cope. Unless you have shared their burden in any real, meaningful way then you should let them deal with this how they need to.

showmetheminstrels "Unless you have shared their burden in any real, meaningful way then you should let them deal with this how they need to."

I think you have no idea what the OP has or has not done or offered to do. I think there is a reason she has joint PoA.