AIBU to be annoyed that they cleared my grandma's house a week after she went in a care home?

[Stiffanky]

My grandma is 96 and until the end of December2016, lived on her own. Over the past few months she's been getting more forgetful and has been wandering off on her own (without a coat in the cold) and getting lost. My parents made the decision that for her own safety she should go in a care home. They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. I specifically told my parents not to throw anything of hers away until I'd had a chance to see her house and her things. I've found the process really difficult and emotional and I just wanted to spend some time in her home as it was, with her personality and character in it. Here we are, what, 10 days later and I discover that my dad has basically cleared her house, thrown loads of her stuff away and not even given me the opportunity to go there.... so many of my memories are in that house of her and my late grandpa and I find his lack of empathy so upsetting. Just had a blazing row with my parents about it... AIBU?

Why on earth wouldn't your parents have her over night at their house at Christmas? They obviously don't have any health problems. It's very weird as far as I'm concerned.

Possibly for the same reasons that my parents don't have my grandmother to stay overnight at Christmas and drive her home each evening. Like the op's grandmother, my grandmother has dementia and is quite frail. She is also prone to wandering.

For someone with dementia, a house layout other than her own can be confusing and her tendency to wander in the dark is a recipe for a trip and fall down the stairs. Also when she wakes in the night and doesn't know where she is, it can be very distressing for her.

Also, her house is adapted with grab rails and other mobility aids. She also has a walk in shower. My parents' home has a tiny bathroom and the only way of bathing her would be a humiliating strip wash in the kitchen.

The only 'weird' thing is that you can't think of the inherent difficulties in having an elderly woman with dementia and a tendency to wander might not be happy or safe staying in an unfamiliar environment.

Not sure if anyone has made this point (forgive me if so). My mum has just gone into a care home. Unfortunately because of a stomach bug several of the residents had the local doctors said there were to be no visitors to the home to stop it spreading. It was "closed" to visitors for 10 days in the end. Nobody had any choice about it, and nobody's fault...but it was a long 10 days for everyone!

Also, when my mum entered the care home we were only given a week to collect her possessions and empty the sheltered housing flat she had lived in. so I had to go through 90 years of a lifetime very quickly, and probably made many mistakes about what to keep and what to donate to charity and so on.

Possibly for the same reasons that my parents don't have my grandmother to stay overnight at Christmas and drive her home each evening. Like the op's grandmother, my grandmother has dementia and is quite frail. She is also prone to wandering.

I totally agree. It broke my heart not to be able to have my mum stay at Christmas as it is the only time in my whole life we were not able to be together at this special time. However, it would have been too much for her, too confusing, too dangerous and upsetting for her with her dementia. I had to put HER needs before my own (and that of the family) and not have her to stay. OP, you may think that was a cruel decision or weird, but I promise you it was for her own well being. Could it have been something like that in your family?

I'm a little suspicious about the care home not allowing visitors.

This would concern me too. But I'm in the US where there are many legal protections for people in facilities aimed at preserving their civil rights. Can care homes in the UK just tell family they can't visit?

I haven't heard of relatives being told they can't visit. I've been in this situation with my Nan. She started to wander at night and was put into a care home for her own safety. We took her there, settled her in and visited every day.

Did the care home say this or your parents?

You're right to be mad. I would too.

My grandpa had to go into a home as he wasn't safe, my parents didn't touch his house (bar keeping it running and initial clean up) until he passed away 3 years later. They felt it was disrespectful to him and my grandma (who'd passed 20 years previous) to clear his home out whilst he was alive.

YANBU..

I'm completely with you on this, Stiffanky, particularly as your Dad doesn't have PoA, is retired, and clearly decided to put his mother in law in a care home at his own convenience - 2 weeks is extremely fast for making that kind of arrangement, particularly around Christmas. On the other hand, having an aged person living on their own and liable to go wandering in night clothes without being aware of where they are (been there, done that, I'm afraid) is a very worrying situation, so obviously something had to be done, but not in this way. So, no, you are not being unreasonable in the circumstances, your father is. I can understand why you've had a row with him.
Also, who is telling you she can't receive visitors at the care home? If it's your father, maybe check directly with the care home. If it's the care home telling you directly, I suggest you go over to visit her without warning, as frankly, if relatives/friends can't drop in to a nursing home at a reasonable time of day without warning, I think it is quite suspicious. This not being settled thing is a load of nonsense, in my experience. When we finally got my mother (who had vascular dementia) into a nursing home, there was no question, from the first minute, of visitors not being allowed to drop in at any time of the day. I was always welcome, and was immediately given the back door entry code so that I could come and go as I pleased. Seriously, for your own peace of mind, find the time to visit her today, if you can.
Good luck.

I do understand why you're upset - they should have given you a chance to take some mementoes, but dare say they just wanted to get it over with. We had to clear my mother's house after she went into a care home (house had to be sold) and it was horrible. You feel as if you're throwing someone's life away. There are so many sentimental things you want to keep, but just can't, unless you have an elastic house.

It's worse than doing the same after someone's died - I have done both.

I asked them not to and yet they still did it. That's unfair, whatever spin you want to put on it.

Well, no, it's not always unfair for people to do something you asked them not to. It depends why. Did they give you a reason?

The complexities of dealing with elderly parents are many. Grandchildren, to whom the responsibility of decision making and execution do not fall, don't réalisé how hard it all is and that there are rarely solutions that suit everyone.

The care home can refuse visitors if they feel there is a health risk. The home my gran was in had a Niro virus outbreak and to stop it spreading refused visitors for 10 days.

As with the OP, they also advise to allow the elderly person to settle in for the first few days and avoid too many visitors. This was an advisory though, they did not force that.

Please go and visit your Grandma. I said goodbye to mine last night, I have never seen anyone look so vulnerable, though I know she is being taken care of. The thought of an elderly person being moved to a new home, not knowing anyone, and having no visitors at all, is quite heartbreaking.

I also disagree with what your parents did. I've seen first hand how incredibly difficult it is for children caring for elderly parents, and I have huge respect and sympathy for the pressure those children are under, but given you had specifically asked your to let you go to the house first, and they didn't, is off. It's only the first week of January.

I think GilMartin^ and angelofmylifetime* make excellent points. It is easy to see things like getting forgetful or getting lost as not so very severe.

If you are the person having to live with the worry about whether the relative is forgetting the pan they put on to boil, getting confused about time of day, tablets to be taken, where the bathroom is then these are far more significant.

Since the OP had vetoed her DGM going into a care home before Christmas taking DGM home at night was probably a compromise decision.

We had DMiL at our house at Christmas but by the end of the day when she was tired she started to get distressed and needed to be back in a familiar environment.

It is perfectly possible that the care home DGM has gone into prefers to quarantine new residents while they settle in. New residents often arrive at a crisis point in their own or their relatives' lives. Better for everyone to have a couple of weeks to calm down.

As for clearing DGM's home, the DPs have been closer to DGM's decline. For them, this point has possibly been anticipated for a while so a week after DGM went into the care home may not feel at all precipitous.

IME it's fairly standard to have no visitors for a period of a week or so, especially with residents affected by mental health.

They sometimes kick off, beg to go home, get angry, upset at family etc, and feel abandoned. A settling in period helps them adjust without family around, and hopefully by the time they do visit they have got used to it and it's not too stressful for anybody involved.

Just thought I'd point that out incase other posters have got you worried about the no visitors yet request.

YANBU about the house clearance, it was harsh. They should have told you to pick a day and let you know when they intended to start.

I'm going to go against most other posters and say YABU. From your posts op there is a lot of your feelings i.e. I insisted, I specifically told them rather than you thinking about your DPs feelings.

Whilst it isn't your DF's mum he has helped care for her/supported your DM caring for her for years and as PPs have said it is very difficult caring for someone with dementia and prone to wandering so whilst I appreciate you care deeply for your GM you have not been directly responsible all these years and you should be supporting your DP rather than demanding that everything is done to your timetable

I think this wood havebee better placed in another topic as "I'm upset that my father cleared my grandmas house before I could go the" because you don't think you are unreasonable and you don't want to hear people say that they think you are.

I can see why you are upset but I think you were unreasonable to make demands with no actual plan.

I insisted, I specifically told them...

Yes, I found the choice of language quite telling. Especially when coupled with "It's just my dad.... everything has to be done his way. It's not even his mum but my mum's mum. He rules the roost and will not accept an alternative point of view. He just does what he wants, to hell with anyone else"

Maryann sums up how I feel too on her first post (might be only post, I have not read to the end).

OP I understand you would have liked to spend some time there, even an hour there alone with memories, and it has been taken from you . However your DG is alive and here ,, visit her as much as you can so the Home becomes her home in time too .. Like it did with my recently deceased Great Auntie who was in a Home for 10 years . The last 6 or so years she saw that as home and indeed, when in hospital she made the choice to return "home" to end her days .

Another thing that has occurred to me is that unless a DoLs is in place the care home nor your parents can prevent her leaving. So if you go to visit her , she might follow you out and nobody can stop her.I am not sure how long it takes for a dols to be granted.

Sorry it's not up to you,her children are responsible and will be living with a shed load of stress.Your memories of somebody else don't really count.My aunt had the same happen. She needed things for the care home and her house sold to pay for it. Her siblings had limited amounts of time( my dad lives 5 hours away). Your gran won't want to pay extra rent or will need her house sold. 18 months will fly by and care homes Hoover up huge amounts of cash. If she gets ill her savings could fund less than 18 months. They will need to sell her house ASAP and it is a big job. I suspect more free time was to be had in the holidays. Expecting everybody to hold fire so you could have memories is a little selfish imvho.

Sounds like your dad is a bit of an arse and likes things his own way. Regarding the visits I would go and see her. I cant see that leaving her without family is helpful. Even if she is upset she is not a pet gor hods sake. I find the argunent that she should be alone while she gets used to it very insulting. Do elderly people stop having the right to their feelings and their family? Outrageous.

My daughter is manager of a care home, from the moment the residents set foot in the place its their home and no one would dream of stopping family visits, letters, cards etc. Question this with all your strength, it's wrong and a real red flag. Its not easy when a parent has to go into a home, we have had to clear a bungalow and it was awful, to be honest I just wanted it over with. Various family members were asked what they would like as keepsakes and I was surprised by what they asked for. If its not too late could you ask your dad for the flannel etc.Meanwhile your gran is still with you so hold on to that.

I think you sound quite demanding - if you wanted to visit your grandmother's home again you should have arranged a specific date to do it and made it a priority.

You seem very dismissive of your parents feelings in this situation - when my MIL had to go into a home it was a very stressful time for my DH and his sister and they found clearing out her home and possessions very emotional and distressing. They just wanted to get it done and out of the way as quickly as possible; it was more difficult for them than clearing her room in the care home after she died as it was her 'home'. And they also felt guilty, even though they could no longer care for her themselves.

Don't fall out with your parents over this. You have your DH and child and can still visit your grandma in the care home. Hope you manage to get that sorted soon. We were able to visit my MIL immediately but it was difficult for the first few weeks as she kept crying and asking us to take her home. But after a few weeks she loved it and thrived as she had constant care, activities and people around her.

You do sound a bit unreasonable, they are doing all the work so it seems appropriate they do it to their time table not to yours.
You say your dad likes to have control and influence also say you 'insisted' and 'specifically told them' quite controlling words, indicating you also like to have power and influence so perhaps this is more about some conflict with your dad than appears on the surface.

This is a hard time for everyone so I would cut each other some slack. I hope you get to see your Grandmother soon, she is much more important than bricks and mortar or any memento.