AIBU to be annoyed that they cleared my grandma's house a week after she went in a care home?

[Stiffanky]

My grandma is 96 and until the end of December2016, lived on her own. Over the past few months she's been getting more forgetful and has been wandering off on her own (without a coat in the cold) and getting lost. My parents made the decision that for her own safety she should go in a care home. They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. I specifically told my parents not to throw anything of hers away until I'd had a chance to see her house and her things. I've found the process really difficult and emotional and I just wanted to spend some time in her home as it was, with her personality and character in it. Here we are, what, 10 days later and I discover that my dad has basically cleared her house, thrown loads of her stuff away and not even given me the opportunity to go there.... so many of my memories are in that house of her and my late grandpa and I find his lack of empathy so upsetting. Just had a blazing row with my parents about it... AIBU?

Well it might just be that your dad wanted to get on, although it wouldn't have hurt to phone.

If he was doing it with your mum's permission is that OK or are you & your mum supposed to both agree on everything?

Was this some sort of payback for you trying to take control over Christmas?

Hahahaha. I'm starting to see a pattern with these weekend morning goady posters.

Report it then Kitty, like I've reported you for troll hunting.

You're getting a rough time on this thread OP. I absolutely understand where you're coming from- just an hour in her house to reminisce, perhaps take a photo of the "set up" or garden to one day show your own children, pick up a couple of bits and get closure really. Ten days is nothing. In terms of getting a house on the market this is often the quietest time of year. Plenty of lawyers I know aren't even back at work until tomorrow unless it's urgent. Plus paying for heating, lighting, insurance etc isn't going to be one bit difference whether the house is full or empty til it's sold. People saying you should have arranged when to go- hmm. Maybe. But it's your parents. Not a random house viewing. They might have had the tiniest bit of consideration when they planned (and of course they planned- trips to the dump, organising packing materials etc) to do the clear out and not even contact you. Oh and the ten days after Xmas aren't just like ten random days in the year with commitments, nursery being shut etc etc. AND they would know about your DH's dying relatives. I really feel for you OP.

I'' not sure why OP is getting such a hard time here either. Her dad has no legal right to dispose of her GM property - he should not be clearing the house AT ALL never mind in such a short time when the OP has specifically asked her parents not to.

OP and her DM have POA - they should be jointly deciding how to dispose of GM assets together and in the best interests of GM is got bigger All to do with the OPs dad - I can't understand why so many posters have assumed that his behaviour here is ok.

This happened with my grandmother she went into a nursing home on what was supposed to be a temporary measure. My dad went to pop to get some photos for her to brighten her room. We lived 4 hours drive away. And we discovered that my dads sister had sold all her belongings the day after she went into the home with no agreement between anyone
It was devastating to see post it's on all her belongings to say who it had been sold to.
After my gran died we had 7 years of protracted arguments about the house. My dad wanted it sold as we owed the nursing home £7,000 each
Dads sister (I refuse to call her auntie any more) wanted to hold onto it and rent it out for a peppercorn rent to her friend.
My parents were on their arse at the time financially as British steel were on strike and the stress of owing money to the nursing home and the letters that they were getting were awful.

To add.... my dads sister was and still is married to an odious greedy little man who wanted everything done to his specifications. I have no doubt that he was behind all of it.

It sounds OP like your dad had no power to go through the house like he did.

I don't think you or your parents are being unreasonable. This is a difficult thing and people will work through it differently. If your parents, however, hold the bulk of the responsibility then they need to make decisions regarding what happens and when as suits them best.

My gut reaction is that you're being a bit unreasonable, but not intentionally. As is your dad. IME of elderly relatives with dementia finally going into care, their houses had a very different feel to them once the person had left. Eerie almost. My MIL found her parents house really creepy once her DM went into her care home, and got a man in to do the clearing, and got DP and I to check on the property regularly before it eventually sold. Photos just looked like depressing estate agent ones because of the circumstances of them being taken. It wasn't the same, so while your DGM is alive, make the most of seeing her.
Another thing that I don't think has been mentioned yet - once DP's dgm moved into her care home, council tax exemption only applied once the house was totally unfurnished, until that was done it was costing his DGM just under £200 a month on top of her care fees.

I do feel for you though, we (as in PILs, DP and his aunts) often remarked at the time that it was weird and upsetting having to deal with her home as though DGM was already dead.

Re Christmas and dementia, I know from experience that what the person always enjoyed pre-dementia, and what they can cope with afterwards, are often two very different things. We made a bad mistake with my FiL, his first year in the care home, by bringing him to us (against care home advice) for a couple of days. We had naively thought he'd enjoy it, since he always had before.

Instead he was confused and anxious/fretful for much of the time, and for the first time started asking where my Mil (dead 10 years) was.

We didn't make that mistake again, and when it came to my mother some years later, we would just make a short visit in the morning. By then TBH she never really had a clue that it was Christmas anyway.

When my grannie died, the way my parents and uncle coped was being busy and shutting me and my brother (not that he was arsed) out of the whole process. It was their way of coping with everything, and much as it hurt me (and it did, a lot) I had to step back and understand that she was my grannie, but she was their mum/MIL and they were hurting too.
I think the same applies here, the way they've done things is very hurtful, but you need to understand that they are hurting too. 10 days is a long time to leave a home as it is without getting it organised, and while I fully understand what you needed, you didn't do it in those 10 days, so they probably thought you weren't going to.
I know this is tough for all of you, but rowing now isn't going to help anyone, least of all your grandmother.

I think your dad has been insensitive and very unkind. My adult children and their cousins all wanted to spend time in the GPS houses after they died/ went into care . They spent the time Reminiscing looking at the stupid things that had been in the houses for years and years. They were all allowed to take any thing they wanted from the house. The things they took were of no financial value, just treasured memories of their Grans.

I hope there might be some peace for you, it is so hard have your feelings brushed aside In this brutal manner.

Another aspect has just occurred to me. Depending on how her dementia is manifesting, your Gran will probably benefit from having familiar things around her. I hope that has been taken into consideration.

I also vehemently disagree with no visitors. As others have said, if true it would be a red flag & Should be reported to CQC. I wonder if it is down to interpretation though? Not too many visitors during a settling in period maybe reasonable. It doesn't mean close family can't visit.

Honestly OP, go and see her. You are obviously close, so spend time with her, rather than her things.

OP, you sound like you have had a really hard time. Definitely go and visit asap, any short period of settling will be over now and as you have POA you need to be able to consult with your gran at the very least (I see it is your mu m that said no visitors, I'd check directly with the home).

But, on the other side, might it not just be very practical why they cleared the house- perhaps your Dad/Mum had time over the Christmas holidays to do it and thought they'd just crack on. I don't know if they work or not, but I can understand them wanting to just get it over and done with, just as much as I understand you wanting to go there again.

Also does the POA with your DM allow you to act independently or do you have to agree each decision? I think it is something like joint and severally in legalese, but I'm not a Lawyer!

I'm Sure someone with the correct expertise can offer wise advice, but what I am getting at is whether your DM can legally act without your say so?

It may be that they just wanted to get it over with as it was less distressing for them to dwell on it. IME this can mean rushing the job and offloading things which they may have wanted to keep if they'd allowed themselves time to think it through more.

It's probably not that they didn't care but that they were simply more practical about it whereas you have the luxury of time to reflect. They were most likely giving this a lot of thought in the run up to her leaving and maybe due to delaying it they felt impatient to actually get the job done. Perhaps the delay added to their worry which is why they rushed it later.

Sometimes the older generation can appear to be less sentimental - but it's not that they're unfeeling - they were just more 'matter of fact' about it which comes over that way. I understand your feelings.

The trouble is that although it's a hard time, you are making it all about what you want, and not necessarily what's best for your mum or your grandma. It sounds like her condition had deteriorated but she was kept living alone in her own home over Christmas to meet your wishes, and if she's unsettled and confused in the care home it's probably important for her house to be sorted ASAP so that your parents can make sure she has things from home around her, and that the avenue of going back is closed off so it's not taunting them or your grandma with the option of changing their minds.

Wow.

I believe that there are people who attach importance to possessions and people that don't.

I'm in the latter camp so I find it hard to understand the significance of a face cloth or pair of pjs. I also hate clearing things out, therefore I'd be incredibly grateful if I didn't have to do that job myself. I know if there was something like that, which needed to be done, I'd be keen to get on with it and get it out of the way, if that makes sense.

Unfortunately the act is done now and the best way to move forward is to spend time with your Dgran when that's possible.

Op I feel for you & some of the comments on this thread have been unnecessarily unkind

You're grieving for the life / independence your loved one used to have

I know it's hard but don't fall out with your dad over this, you'll need each other's support

"10 days is a long time to leave a home as it is without getting it organised"? Over Christmas and the New Year? A 96 year old's life disposed of in 10 days? Really?

There are two types of PoA, one to do with health and the other financial. They can be set up separately and have different requirements for consultation between the attorneys.

For example for my DM the financial PoA requires agreement between the attorneys, the health PoA does not require consultation between the attorneys.

Please, please, please get PoA set up for family members. The absence of PoA for DMiL caused a lot of problems and required permission from the Court of Protection to make even the simplest decisions. PoAs need to be in place before they are needed to be used. Once a PoA needs to be used it is too late to set it up.

A 96 year old's life disposed of in 10 days? Really?
Don't get snippy with me, I said nothing about disposing of it all, just that it's a long time to leave the house without clearing it. What if OP grandmother wanted some of her things in the care home with her? (Standard procedure for settling new residents in is to surround them with familiar things from home), or what if it was the family's way of coping?
As per on here, someone takes a post completely out of context and adds faux outrage and sensationalises a perfectly reasonable statement to suit their own agenda. Get a grip.

Both having POA doesn't mean necessarily mean that everything has to be agreed on, does it?

Are you sure they said no visitors, or did they suggest that she might settle better without visitors to upset her? I've heard of Care homes recommendeding the latter. They cannot, of course, ban relatives from visiting. I'm an experienced social worker for older adults and have been to around 100 Care homes and never had one that outright banned visits as they can't. They might suggest letting the new resident settle before visiting in person.