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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that they cleared my grandma's house a week after she went in a care home?

253 replies

Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 22:56

My grandma is 96 and until the end of December2016, lived on her own. Over the past few months she's been getting more forgetful and has been wandering off on her own (without a coat in the cold) and getting lost. My parents made the decision that for her own safety she should go in a care home. They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. I specifically told my parents not to throw anything of hers away until I'd had a chance to see her house and her things. I've found the process really difficult and emotional and I just wanted to spend some time in her home as it was, with her personality and character in it. Here we are, what, 10 days later and I discover that my dad has basically cleared her house, thrown loads of her stuff away and not even given me the opportunity to go there.... so many of my memories are in that house of her and my late grandpa and I find his lack of empathy so upsetting. Just had a blazing row with my parents about it... AIBU?

OP posts:
Flisstizzy · 07/01/2017 23:15

I do understand you on this. My grandma died (understand this isn't the case with your DGM) and a few weeks after they sold the house I was bereft again, as it was such a big part of her and my memories. I think they should have warned you Flowers

Original poster
Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 23:16

Wobbly wonder woman..... 10 days is not a long time, especially over Christmas and the new year. She's not his mother... she's his MIL and he retired 20 years ago!

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 07/01/2017 23:16

People deal with things differently. I'm sure he had his reasons. Tbh it is quite annoying when you're trying to be practical and do the shit job nobody wants of clearing out someone's entire life in a situation like this, and are held back from it by someone who wants to keep it as a shrine and sit around moping in it.

You also sound quite demanding. You 'specifically told' your parents when to put her in a home and when to clear out the house? I'd specifically tell you that you could deal with the social worker, the home manager, the trust, the estate agent and the bank in that case. The whole process isn't easy but it's a lot harder for your parents than it is for you.

Maryann1975 · 07/01/2017 23:16

My grandparents were moved to a care home last, my nan in 2015 and then my grandad moved in to the home with her this time last year.
It was very strange to go back to their home after they had left. Even with all their things in, it felt wrong and upsetting to me as things had changed in a way we hadn't wanted them too.
However, during these visits, I was able to take anything I wanted to remind me of their home. This has been taken away from you and those things can not be got back for you. I can understand why you are so upset. Did your dad know you wanted to go back to the house or did he think he was doing everyone a favour by clearing it so quickly to get the job done? Flowers

RhubarbGin · 07/01/2017 23:17

If you have joint POA you may be able to explore your options further wrt authorising (or rather not, as the case may be) the disposal of your grandmother's assests. Did she grant you POA to counterbalance your parents by any chance?

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2017 23:17

To be fair, you should have specified a day OP.

Some people dread having to do these things, so waiting 10 days and then getting on with it, sounds perfectly ok to me.

Perhaps he should have checked with you first, but perhaps he thought you'd already gone and visited the house.

clippityclop · 07/01/2017 23:18

Do you know what a massive task, both physically and emotionally, it can be to do a job like this? They have been focussing on your grandma, doing right by her, getting stuff to help her feel settled and perhaps have to clear the place ready to sell to pay fees. Take some time and write down your memories perhaps but also get involved and help. Perhaps you could sort put photo albums and take them to show your grandma?

ShatnersBassoon · 07/01/2017 23:18

What do you think you've missed out on? They'll surely have only thrown useless stuff out and I don't blame them for not wanting to turn it into an emotional exercise.

Go and visit your grandmother in the time you'd intended to view her possessions. That would be much more valuable to everyone.

MakeMyWineADouble · 07/01/2017 23:19

It is a shame but I do still think they are the ones who are sorting the clearing if your an hr away they are the ones who will have to keep an eye on the property ect till it's sold while trying to spend as much time as possible visiting your grandmother all on top of their normal commitments. It probably seems overwhelming to them so if this was one job off the list then I guess they wanted to do it. It's a shame you missed out on going round but use the time to spend with your grandmother instead make the best out of things Flowers

Original poster
Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 23:19

haveacupoftea I just didnt think it was very nice for my grandma to go in a home 2 days before Christmas when it's such a family time. And the only reason I "specifically" asked my dad not to throw anything out is because he's done things like this before and thrown people's things away without asking them... he's done it all my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 23:20

Also, the care home have asked that no one visits her yet because she's "not settled" so I can't even go and see her

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 07/01/2017 23:22

Off topic I know, but I would be straight to the care home after they said that. How long do they think she should not have visitors for?

ExplodedCloud · 07/01/2017 23:22

Ok that is quick but tbf they did do the work. It'll need to be sold unless she had a lot of cash. Care homes aren't cheap so they do need to get moving.
I've done the clearing out after a care home move. 80 years of history. I'm sentimental and the only way was to be brutal or it would have taken months.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2017 23:23

I'm a bit confused.

So she stayed with you, at your house until 28th December?

And then when she went into the care home, you wanted to visit her empty house?

Is that right?

ExplodedCloud · 07/01/2017 23:24

Could you have had her for Xmas?

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 07/01/2017 23:25

They have been massively unreasonable. There doesn't seem to have been any need for this rapid clear out. It seems undignified at best and I completely understand you position OP.

Gazelda · 07/01/2017 23:27

I can understand how hard this is for you to deal with. But please try to be understanding of what your parents are having to deal with too.
I sense your anger is more towards your DF. Has that been brewing for a while?

stiffstink · 07/01/2017 23:28

I'm on the fence. On one hand I can understand why you would want to visit the house to accept the change from an emotional point of view, especially as there is no imminent need for it to be cleared.

However, your reference to wanting a chance to "see her things" before anyone else deals with them makes you sound like you want to cherry pick her stuff.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 23:28

(((Hug)))

He's been a complete arse, I'm sorry, I'd have been devastated too.

Rescue what you can & remember that there's nothing he can do to take away the lovely memories you have of your Gran. X

Spend as much time with your Gran as you can. Did you get any say in her rest home? Have you even seen it?

Original poster
Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 23:29

Worraliberty.... no, I wanted her to stay at the family home over Christmas but my parents said no. So she came on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and then we took her home in the evening and helped her to bed. 3 days later she went in the home. It all happened very very quickly, within, 2 weeks (i.e. Decision to go in home to her actually going in a home) and I think I just wanted to be I her house one last time to reminisce and just remember all the times I spent there growing up. Sentimental I know.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 07/01/2017 23:30

The care home have said no visitors?!?

seven201 · 07/01/2017 23:30

Your father has been a bit selfish but I can see why he'd want to get it all done. My dad let me know he was going to clear out his dad's house and asked if I wanted anything. I asked for a tea cup and saucer and received the whole set that I have no space for so is in the loft never to be seen again. Did you ask for anything specific? Maybe he didn't want you involved because he thought you'd make the process really slow and maybe emotional?

When my mum died (she was only 63) my dad was very 'chuck it all out' except randomly for all of her many many books. It took him over a year and a big house move (he moved about 30 big plastic boxes of books to his new house) to be ready to sort through her books. People deal with things differently. Every time I see my granny at her house she says I should take anything I want away with me. Her other daughter (my mum's sister) is still very much alive so I have to point out she should get first dibs!

LowDudgeon · 07/01/2017 23:30

Sympathy, OP. YANBU. Flowers

If it was a rented house I could understand some haste in getting it cleared, as the rent & bills would still have to be paid until it was vacant, but as it was her own house there didn't need to be such a hurry.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 23:30

No it doesn't stiff sink, it makes it sound like she wanted to spend time in her Grans' home, remembering & thinking about her Gran.

WannaBe · 07/01/2017 23:31

I think you're being a bit naive re her having eighteen months worth of savings so no need to sell the house yet. The longer a house stands empty the harder it is to sell. It's far preferable to sell the house as soon as possible IMO. Also, no-one knows what house prices are going to be doing in the next eighteen months so it would be better to clear it and put it on the market asap while they at least know what price it is likely to fetch.

Also, it's surely likely that the stuff in her house is just "stuff" which she has hoarded over the years if she's lived there for decades. There's nothing worse than trying to clear stuff like that while others are insistent on hanging on to what is usually just a load of junk.