AIBU to be annoyed that they cleared my grandma's house a week after she went in a care home?

[Stiffanky]

My grandma is 96 and until the end of December2016, lived on her own. Over the past few months she's been getting more forgetful and has been wandering off on her own (without a coat in the cold) and getting lost. My parents made the decision that for her own safety she should go in a care home. They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. I specifically told my parents not to throw anything of hers away until I'd had a chance to see her house and her things. I've found the process really difficult and emotional and I just wanted to spend some time in her home as it was, with her personality and character in it. Here we are, what, 10 days later and I discover that my dad has basically cleared her house, thrown loads of her stuff away and not even given me the opportunity to go there.... so many of my memories are in that house of her and my late grandpa and I find his lack of empathy so upsetting. Just had a blazing row with my parents about it... AIBU?

"I think reading between the lines OP, you may be coping with a different situation than some posters imagine."

I think there's more worrying things going on here than the clearing of the house! 2 weeks from deciding gran was to go into care to it happening?! The care home (verify this please op) not allowing visitors?!

I worked in residential and nursing homes for several years. Some, most even, are excellent and professional and Caring. Some sadly are not. Please check on your gran in person as soon as possible.

I always advise people to trust their gut on this kind of thing.

And when I say asap I mean when possible for you to get there not waiting for the home to 'let' you

I get the sentimental value of the flannel, the onlything I have of my dads that means anything is a hankie, it's the only thing I wanted of his as I remember him wiping my tears with it and is one of the few memories I have of him showing any affection. (he was usually the ones causing the tears but that's another thread)

I also have a crochet blanket my gran made me when I was a child, dd loves it now too and I often wonder what my gran would feel about her great grand daughter and myself snuggling under it together. Its just a blanket but has brought me so much comfort.

I do get why you are upset and I hope my first post didn't add to it. The thread only had 20 posts as I must have had your thread open in a tab but hadn't refreshed it and I was to see over 80 posts.

I hope you resolve it and make up with your parents and also get to see your Gran soon.

Why on earth wouldn't your parents have her over night at their house at Christmas? They obviously don't have any health problems. It's very weird as far as I'm concerned.

It sounds to me OP as if you've done as much as any grandchild would in the circumstances but even if you hadn't, you said you would like the chance to look at her stuff. At the least your Dad could have said "do it by Wednesday or I'm clearing it out". What with the holidays I doubt if they'd have got an estate agent around to do a valuation much before the middle of this week anyway. Some of the comments on here are just awful.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like you are very close to your gran and are going through a lot just now. I think what happened was very unfair and as someone who is also very sentimental I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think you have had a hard time on here tonight and hope it settles down. Your dad sounds quite controlling and not very sympathetic. I hope you can get through this and that you get to see your gran soon.

Spartacus that's a lovely story about your blanket.

When my Grandma died my sister and I were helping mum sort her stuff. She had a box of stuff we thought she had saved but it was to her, and probably my grandma tbh, just junk that was going to the charity shop. DSis and I kept it and shared it between us (with mums blessing) as it was all stuff that held huge memories for us. A jug with a massive crack and mend that DSis dropped and Grandad mended, some glasses that Grandma made us snowballs in at Xmas, that sort of thing. So I do understand what you mean.

Sounds like your Dad is one of those people who assumes that because it means nothing to him then it means nothing to anyone else.

How is your mum? Is she genuinely ok with it or do you think that his scorched earth policy is hurting her too?

YANBU at all

I can see both sides. I think you are all being unreasonable and that a lack of communication and organisation from BOTH parties have led to this.

I can understand you wanting to go round, collect momento's and reminisce before the house was sorted out ready for sale. It's not something everyone wants to do, but as you had asked they should have been more considerate. I can understand you being upset at that and it's not unreasonable to be so.

However, you did not say when you intended to go round to your DGM- you assumed it would take longer for them to get round to it. There may be any number of reasons why it was done quickly- perhaps your DM wanted to get it over and done with, rather than having it hanging over her? Maybe this was the most convenient time? It's not an unreasonable timeframe in my view.

Did you offer to help or did you expect your parents to hold off doing the work of clearing until it suited you? If you aren't going to help with clearing, then I think you have to accept the timetable of the ones who are doing the work TBH. I think you should have been clearer about when you were planning to come.

OTOH, they could have let you know they were intending to clear house on x date, so if you wanted to come you would need to do it by then. They WBU not to do so as they knew what your intentions were, it was thoughtless.

I think you were unreasonable to have a blazing row over it- you are obviously (and understandably) upset that your gran has had to go into a home but has it occurred to you that your mum may be equally upset that this has happened to her mother? You talk about your dad not listening/taking into account your feelings but don't mention your mum or what her thoughts/wishes/feeling might be! Can't you see the irony in that?

I know when you are angry it can be hard and I am genuinely not trying to be unkind but it's not all about what you want/what you need, in the same way as your parents should have been more considerate of your wishes. I think a bit more empathy and compassion on both sides is needed.

If you parents are generally good people then I think it's not worth the fall out. IME these kinds of falling outs have a habit of sticking and things are said that aren't meant but can't be taken back. I doubt it's what your DGM would have wanted- her daughter and grand-daughter fighting. And poor relations between POA's seldom leads to an easy life for anybody.

IT seems likely that your gran knew that your father would railroad your mother, so gave you power of attorney to prevent that.

I'm very concerned about the nursing home, supposedly, saying not to visit for a couple if weeks. Has your gran a will? I'm concerned that your gran may being manipulated into writing or changing her will in their favour, op. Something doesn't sound right about this.

Aw that's really sad . That would have really upset me too.

Also, just go and visit her. Not settled ? What utter utter bollocks.

Stiffanky - totally get where you are coming from re sentimental items... my grandparents had a green towel I always used to use as a toddler at their house and it's now with me - 20 odd years later at home with my husband and I!
Happily they both still have their health bt if their home was ever cleared without my knowledge I'd be distraught - so many memories in that house and with so many random objects xxx

Stiffanky " I just didnt think it was very nice for my grandma to go in a home 2 days before Christmas when it's such a family time." that was kind of you, my mum also went into a home just after New Year.

"And the only reason I "specifically" asked my dad not to throw anything out is because he's done things like this before and thrown people's things away without asking them... he's done it all my life."

Then YADNBU. It is not his mum and he has been retired for years. It seems this was a very callous and unfair thing of him to do. And frankly illegal if you and your mum have power of attorney.

When it really does come to the end for your gran, please do remind your dad you and your mum have power of attorney and he is not to touch her belongings before you and your mum clear her room. Your dad sounds very mean.

WorraLiberty "Some people dread having to do these things, so waiting 10 days and then getting on with it, sounds perfectly ok to me." It was not the OP's dad's place to do this, he did not have power of attorney.

Stiffanky "Also, the care home have asked that no one visits her yet because she's "not settled" so I can't even go and see her"

This is very, very dubious advice from the care home. Unless there is a serious reason for you not visit her I would challenge this immediately. My mum went into a home three years ago, we settled her in personally and my sister visited her very often at the beginning. We were allowed to visit at any time, although of course we did not visit at night. If we visited during meal times we could have food there (for a small donation).

Stoffanky "Her name is on a waiting list for a nicer place but it's a long waiting list and even if a room becomes available, I can't see them moving her now."

When my mum went into a home there was a LOT of choice, my sister and I looked at about 12 places, of which only 2 really looked like the places we waned her to be. She made the chocie and a room was available immediately.

In your shoes I would speak to your mum privately, without yuour dad, he seems the sort to interfere. Your grandma has lots of money (presumably) so she can afford a nice place, you can visit those in her area and see what is nice and which has room. Honestly, we moved mum into one that we thought was good, she hated it. It was awful. The staff were lovely, but the place itself was not Mum! We moved found a new place and moved her within two weeks. Blind me, it's all coming back, I had actually forgotten that, PM me if you would like to!

She made the chocie and a room was available immediately. that was the one after the one we drove mum to first. It's weird it is all coming back! I think I had blocked it out because she died early last year and I have kind of forgotten a lot of it.

CakesRUs "maybe he had time off over christmas in which he could address the task at hand?"

The OP says he has been retired for years.

OP, you are really getting a hard time in this thread, very unfairly in my opinion. I don't blame your parents for clearing things quickly, but they should have accommodated your very reasonable request.

Also I think you are being a good advocate for your grandmother. Almost no one on this thread has even raised the issues of what does she want. Did anyone ask her? Has anyone asked her whether she would find visitors a hindrance to settling in? She may need you to help facilitate her basic rights as a human being. Having dementia or memory loss does not affect every ability a person has to make decisions for herself.

Find out if she wants visitors and make sure that someone is listening to her.

Your dad is a total fucking arse for doing what he did your parents must know that you have a lot going on at the minute and thats why you haven't had chance to get to the house yet. As for the care home saying no visits just yet I can understand that I work in a care home for people with dementia and we say no visits until they have settled in because it would only upset them and make them think they are going home it's easier to get them settled in a new unfamiliar place if there isn't family constantly coming in and out unsettling them and confussing them it's better for your gran that's she's settled first before you go and see her and don't just rock up there expecting to see her because the home will just turn you away because they have told you to not go there just yet they will let you know when you can go and visit her.

I feel for you, my mum died 6 1/2 years ago, she only moved into a hospice 5 days before her death before that was at home so all her things were here. We haven't thrown away any of her things at all. All her clothes were vacuum packed away, but there's still random necklaces about on the mantle piece or the shelf in the bathroom. TBH i prefer it this way, i couldn't stand to throw out any of her things, i like her stuff being around and the reminders of her, its not like she still lives here, but just a reminder that it will always be her family home.

Stiffanky " I am very sentimental and I do attach meaning to objects, which I guess is a bit daft but it's just the way I am. I mean no malice and it's certainly not materialism."

I think when people lose some of their faculties and have dementia etc, as my mum did, they are very much not themselves. Things that anchor you in the past, when they were very much themselves, can be very welcome.

You have been a very kind and caring granddaughter, I bloody hope mine are half as caring (not a grandma yet!).

There is no one-size-fits-all approach for people with dementia. They are individuals. With rights! And dementia can present very differently for different people.

I do understand how you feel but I think yab a bit u.I know your GM hasn't died physically, but when dementia sets in, the person she was has died.It is your DMs mother it is a much greater loss for her than you.They are the ones living by nearby who have had all the work of coping with her for 50 weeks of the year.It is a little highhanded of you to dictate how you, as next of kin handles things.

How SHE handles things.

Peanut I am not sure a care home can refuse to let you see a relative. If my mum's care home had done that we would have moved her.

I am sure it is possible to justify why this is done by the OP's grandmother was, like my own mum, living independently a day before she moved into the care home.

I'm sorry they did this. It sounds just like the sort of shit my mother pulled. I had my dads pyjamas that I sometimes wore after he died when I was just turned 16. I left them at home when I went to university and they somehow disappeared. They conveniently reappeared a few months later when I returned home one holiday. She was using them to wax polish the dining room table. This was the dining room table, which belonged to her current husband. He moved into the house I'd lived in since I was 5. The pain I felt to see her nonchantly polishing the table. Words fail me. I don't begrudge her remarrying nor moving him in - without bothering to discuss it with me first - I'd just gone off to university. But shitting on my father and me in this way. .

The mistake you made was trusting him to do what you asked. Don't make the same mistake again. I did with my mother, She promised me some things belonging to my father. Because she is so controlling, I never felt I was allowed to take them even years after his death. Only for her to then put and all my memories of my father in the skip when she decided to have a clear out.

Some of us just are attached to "things". We aren't all built the same way. I wanted some of my dads tools, basically old junk these days really. He was a craftsman. They're all gone.

I'm a little suspicious about the care home not allowing visitors. Is your GM ok ....as in physically. I'm concerned that she has had a fall and they don't want you to see.