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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that they cleared my grandma's house a week after she went in a care home?

253 replies

Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 22:56

My grandma is 96 and until the end of December2016, lived on her own. Over the past few months she's been getting more forgetful and has been wandering off on her own (without a coat in the cold) and getting lost. My parents made the decision that for her own safety she should go in a care home. They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. I specifically told my parents not to throw anything of hers away until I'd had a chance to see her house and her things. I've found the process really difficult and emotional and I just wanted to spend some time in her home as it was, with her personality and character in it. Here we are, what, 10 days later and I discover that my dad has basically cleared her house, thrown loads of her stuff away and not even given me the opportunity to go there.... so many of my memories are in that house of her and my late grandpa and I find his lack of empathy so upsetting. Just had a blazing row with my parents about it... AIBU?

OP posts:
lyricaldancer · 08/01/2017 00:12

It would only have taken a minute to check that you'd been to the house and seen it and her things. You had made it clear you wanted to do that first. It's very thoughtless behaviour.

Baylisiana · 08/01/2017 00:14

I think reading between the lines OP, you may be coping with a different situation than some posters imagine. Your DF does actually sound quite unreasonable and I don't think it would have been too much to expect them to call and let you when they were going.

LouiseBrooks · 08/01/2017 00:14

OP, YANBU at all, especially since you have joint POA with your mum. It sounds like your father has just taken over completely but I'm not even sure if legally he has the right.

I really don't understand why they didn't want to wait until Christmas was over before she went into care, and since you specifically said you wanted to visit her home it was very high handed of your father to start binning stuff. For Pete's sake it's been less than a fortnight.

And go and see your grandmother now. I would.

I also think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time on here, especially from those who haven't even read your posts properly!

Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 00:15

Worraliberty.... my grandma has stayed at my parents house before and knows it well. We all go to my parents house for Christmas and I suggested that if there was genuine concern for her safety and bearing in mind the time of year, that we should look after her. i would gladly have had her at my house but I live in a split level house and it would be dangrous. Plus, an hour is a long way for a 96 year old to travel. It was for 2 nights and my husband and I would've been there to help

OP posts:
Dishwasherfull2017 · 08/01/2017 00:17

I can sympathise with both sides

However, if there is house that nobody is living in there will be some bills that still need to be paid I believe eg water, electricity, utilities until it is sold or rented

I suggest, celebrate the fact that your Gran lived in her own home until her 90s

I agree that emptying a house of a lifetime of memories and "stuff" is very difficult for close relatives, but it is a necessary task

I would visit your Gran and spend quality time with her

TaylorP1234 · 08/01/2017 00:20

It's mean!! Even if it had to be done quickly they could have told you that and you could have planned a day.

Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 00:21

Thank you LouiseBrooks... In retrospect maybe I should've stated when I wanted to visit but I honestly didn't think they would've acted so quickly. Or that at least they would tell me they were going to start clearing it out.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/01/2017 00:22

OP, can I just point out that your gran moving in to the home would be very quick. At the end of the day care homes don't "hold" places until the family are emotionally ready, so I don't think your parents acted with undue haste there. I would insist on going to see her though.

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2017 00:27

OK I was just trying to understand whether They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. ....Meant that you insisted she stay with your parents or with you.

So they accommodated her on your insistence, waited 10 days before clearing her home, as you hadn't specified when you would be visiting it, neither you nor your parents arranged a day when you would help them with the clearance.

I do really think it's down to a lack of communication, rather than a lack of empathy.

You only live an hour away, all of you should have put your heads together and worked together.

LouiseBrooks · 08/01/2017 00:32

OP, I think there are two issues here.

One is that your father, who sounds a tad domineering, has taken over when you and your mother are the ones who should probably be doing this. May be she asked him, but since you both have POA she should at least have discussed it with you.

The other is that some people don't understand a sentimental attachment to 'things" because the things remind us of people. They simply see them all as 'junk" or "useless". Personally I find that attitude very bizarre. You're not saying you wanted to keep everything after all. I also hope that your grandmother doesn't ask for anything personal that they have already thrown away!

DownWithThatSort0fThing · 08/01/2017 00:38

Whatever your thoughts OP, it is done now. It really is not worth a 'blazing row' with your parents, after all your mother must be upset herself that her own mum has gone into a care home.

Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 00:39

Worraliberty.... they didn't accommodate her. Yes, I wanted them to (with my help) for 2 days so that she didn't spend Christmas Day in a strange place with people she didn't know. Does that make me unreasonable? Maybe there has been a lack of communication but I did respectfully ask my parents separately a number of times, not to throw anything away... and yet in my dad's words, they've thrown "loads of stuff away".... so he just ignored my wishes. I just wanted to see her things, have a couple of mementoes, reminisce about old times. That's not a bad thing and it's not unreasonable.

OP posts:
SpartacusWoman · 08/01/2017 00:43

I understand why you are upset Flowers

I don't know if it differs depending on where you are but my FIL had to have his Mums home cleared within two weeks, a few siblings wanted to have a look round and take some momentos but it was on,y going to fil doing the actual work, and as he worked full time himself he had to start early, his sister was livid and it caused a really big row, but if FIL had waited for when his db wanted to visit, it would have been a day before keys had to be handed back. FIL asked his family to help and then they coukd take what they wanted when there, but they all said they were too busy.

I know someone else who's wife has just gone into a home and he is being hassled rent somewhere smalle and to sell their home to pay for his wife's care. If your gran owns her home, she could also be being pushed to sell ASAP.

It's stressful for everyone, if you have a good relationship with your parents in general is it worth a big falling out?

Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 00:44

Louise... thank you again. I am very sentimental and I do attach meaning to objects, which I guess is a bit daft but it's just the way I am. I mean no malice and it's certainly not materialism.

And DownWithThat.... sure, I've made things a whole lot worse by having that row but I'm really upset about it and it feels so unjust... I asked them not to and yet they still did it. That's unfair, whatever spin you want to put on it.

OP posts:
LostSight · 08/01/2017 00:45

I have a relative who sounds quite similar to your father. Not exactly the same position, but my relative's spouse became unwell and they had to move out of the family home and into a flat. Spouse and two children had lots of memories locked into that house.

But my relative went through and took the chance to throw everything away without consulting anyone else. I think throwing things out makes her feel everything is in order. She likes everything exactly the way she wants it, and other people's clutter makes her feel she is not in control.

I don't think your request was unreasonable. I was lucky enough to live in my grandmother's flat for a while after she had died, because I happened to get a job nearby, before it had sold. I went to her church and met and was welcomed by people who had been her friends. I felt I got to know her in ways I never had before and when I left, I took some of the remaining things with me that nobody else had wanted, but which I liked. I have them still.

But as others have said, I would be uneasy at a care home which said it didn't want relatives visiting. If that was a child in a new nursery, imagine the outcry. I can't imagine any situation which would be made worse by knowing a loving relative would be visiting regularly.

Good luck OP.

SpartacusWoman · 08/01/2017 00:45

Ignore my post OP, I hadn't refresh and missed shit loads of updates Blush

Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 00:49

Spartacus.... it's not worth the falling out and I feel bad that I've caused extra stress but I had to make a stand. I love my father dearly and am very close to him but he likes to have control or influence over everything. He has done so much for my grandma and I'm appreciative of that... I just wish he could've spared my feelings and not done the opposite.

OP posts:
like7 · 08/01/2017 00:50

I don't think YABU at all. It sounds like you have been so busy, understandably made assumptions that the house would be the same for longer and you would have a chance to visit. You have lost your chance to do what you wished and are disappointed. I don't understand some of the comments on here thinking YABU. (After my mum died my stepfather said he had asked the carers to remove her possessions - there wasn't anything worth keeping, he said. How could he say that and not give me a chance to decide for myself. I have nothing that belonged to my mum and a couple of things of hers that had memories would have been lovely.) I now tell myself that life goes on and to look to the future, not the past. I hope your Grandma settles well and things can be discussed calmly with your parents after the row.

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2017 00:50

I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December

You insisted that she be with family for Christmas in their home, so yes they did accommodate her.

You didn't insist she spent Christmas in your home, did you?

And then after that, you stated that you wanted to visit the empty house but you didn't say when.

So 10 days later, your Dad ended up having to sort it out alone, when really with a bit of communication you could have been there to support and help him.

It really does sound like a breakdown in communication, rather than a lack of empathy imo.

Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 00:51

Lost sight..... exactly this. Thank you x

OP posts:
VanillaSugar · 08/01/2017 00:58

I think you've come in for some very unjust comments OP Flowers

I know exactly how you feel. However, I think it's a generational thing - people traditionally cleared houses quickly. My aunt died about 18 years ago and my mum had cleared the house (completely disregarding my uncle who was still living there) within the week.

My stepfather died and my mother three away his clothes on the very same day. I can never forgive her for that.

Salvage what you can, and perhaps mentally visualise the "saying goodbye" to the house.

Oh, and the care home is raising all sorts of red flags. Your gran needs visitors!

Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 00:59

Worraliberty. No... they did not accommodate her. She stayed in her OWN home until 28th. She came for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day DURING THE DAY ONLY (as she has done every year) and both nights I took her home and put her to bed because my parents would NOT accommodate her. Of course I didn't insist she spent Christmas in my home..... it's an hour away from the rest of her family and friends and the house is really not practical for a person in their 90s. Until 10 days ago she'd lived in a bungalow for 35 years... my house is split over 4 levels so of course I didn't insist she stay there. I sincerely hope you don't have any elderly relatives who may one day require your "care"

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 01:01

Thanks vanillasugar. There's a lot of mean on here tonight

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 08/01/2017 01:10

Are the home aware that you also have POA for your Grandmother? Who told you not to visit her? Thats highly unusual - my FIL went into a home last Wednesday because of rapidly deteriorating dementia and they've encouraged as many familiar faces as possible to visit him. It was the same years ago when my Nana went into one.

If your father is domineering and taking over what your mother wants then you are not being unreasonable to be annoyed. If your Mum just wanted it done then you are; as hard as it is for you it'll be even harder for her to see her Mum needing that extra care.

The speed of the move may very well have been down to places. We, as a family, finally decided on Christmas Eve that it was time to look at care home places for FIL. He went into a place that had a space on Wednesday after MIL had spoken to someone (social worker and a couple of care homes) on Tuesday. MIL pondered delaying it, but the home told her that was the first space they'd had for eight months and they wouldn't hold it.

Lucy7400 · 08/01/2017 01:12

Yanbu and I understand entirely. Your dad is being an arse but its probably well intentioned. As in, he thinks he's helping by getting the house sorted so the sooner the better in his mind. Flowers to you. These situations are tough.

As for all the numpties on here who can't manage to assimilate some basic facts from the OPs posts before tapping dimwitted comments. Seriously. You need to RTFT.