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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that they cleared my grandma's house a week after she went in a care home?

253 replies

Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 22:56

My grandma is 96 and until the end of December2016, lived on her own. Over the past few months she's been getting more forgetful and has been wandering off on her own (without a coat in the cold) and getting lost. My parents made the decision that for her own safety she should go in a care home. They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. I specifically told my parents not to throw anything of hers away until I'd had a chance to see her house and her things. I've found the process really difficult and emotional and I just wanted to spend some time in her home as it was, with her personality and character in it. Here we are, what, 10 days later and I discover that my dad has basically cleared her house, thrown loads of her stuff away and not even given me the opportunity to go there.... so many of my memories are in that house of her and my late grandpa and I find his lack of empathy so upsetting. Just had a blazing row with my parents about it... AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 23:31

Stiffstink.... it's really not that I wanted to cherry pick her stuff, I'm not remotely materialistic. I just wanted to make sure that my dad didn't throw things that were of sentimental value to me... like the stripey old flannel that she used to wash my face with as a child and which she still has. To him it would be worthless but to me it has many memories.

OP posts:
stiffstink · 07/01/2017 23:35

Fair enough, maybe it was the way you worded your OP.

For what its worth, I wouldn't be accepting the care home's refusal to allow visitors. She needs continuity now, not isolation. We had a similar situation and we were told to come and go as much as we wanted to, basically saying that the care home was to be treated as my relative's home, not a secure facility (even though it was sort of secure iyswim).

LowDudgeon · 07/01/2017 23:37

My MIL died last year, aged 92, & my kids, who live away, wanted all sorts of random things from grandma's house - nothing valuable, just stuff like the duvet cover on the spare bed that they always slept under, & a Children's Encyclopaedia they used to look at together when they were little.

Hers was a council house, so we needed it cleared asap, but we consulted the kids & sent them images of various things to check we'd got the right thing. It isn't hard Sad

Original poster
Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 23:37

Wannabe... I dont expect the house to be vacant for 18m and the sell it... I'm not stupid... and I appreciate that it needs to be sold/ rented out. I have power of attorney with my mum and so the responsibility is partially mine. I not shirking any responsibility or saying that it shouldn't be sorted and cleared.... just saying that I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend an hour or so in my grandmas house to cherish the memories there before I have to say goodbye for good.

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Original poster
Stiffanky · 07/01/2017 23:40

Stiffstink..... I asked if I could write her a letter/ send a card but my mum told me I couldn't even do that in case it unsettled her. The care home she's gone in is one where my parents used to put her for the 2 weeks when they went on holiday each year, so that they knew she was safe. I visited her there many times and I really don't like the home because I've seen how some of the staff speak to residents. Her name is on a waiting list for a nicer place but it's a long waiting list and even if a room becomes available, I can't see them moving her now.

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 07/01/2017 23:42

I do get the 'last time' thing and I think you probably should have been a bit quicker off the mark if you know your dad's like this. Overall though, now you've explained, it does seem like your dad has rushed this and been unsympathetic to you.

FinnegansCake · 07/01/2017 23:43

I think you are getting a hard time on here OP.

I understand how you feel. Clearing your grandmother's house so quickly must feel as though they are in a hurry to erase her from your lives. As you had asked that nothing be done before you had visited her home again, the least your father could have done would be to tell you that he was planning a clear out, and ask when you could go over.

As to those saying that OP had time for a last visit - how do you know what commitments she may have had during the week or so since her DGM was moved to the care home? And a week is hardly a long time anyway.

Butteredpars1ps · 07/01/2017 23:43

Is your Dad looking out for your Mum?

I have recently had to clear out my DMs home, and it was really emotional. I needed DH to help me, because he was able to be less emotional about the process.

You obviously love your Nan a lot. Remember her for her love. Not a stripey flannel.

notangelinajolie · 07/01/2017 23:43

YABU. It is not about you. Go and see your Grandma and spend some time with her - not her stuff.

dottycat123 · 07/01/2017 23:44

I would be questioning the care home to be honest. It's unheard of in this day to stop family visiting, a decent care home should have open visiting. The idea that she will settle and be less distressed without family is ridiculous and against all current thinking. I would visit and if not welcomed consider contacting the cqc.

stiffstink · 07/01/2017 23:45

What sort of POA do you have? If its for health and welfare you ought to be consulted by your mum about moving her (depending on whether that's restricted/dealt with in the POA).

Have you been told all this directly by the care home? It just seems really counter-intuitive to prevent family members visiting a 96 year old woman. Could there be more to it?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/01/2017 23:45

Masses of people jumping on you without really understanding what you are saying OP, and putting 'maybes' on your story that do not need to be there. In my view your Dad is an arse and you are YANBU. I've had a relative go into care and it is an emotional time. You needed to proces your feelings and you were unreasonably denied the opportunity to do this. Plus, you were not given the opportunity to choose little mementos that were meaningful to you (not always 'junk that needs to be thrown away'). It wasn't junk to your grandma either, and there is a level of disrespect in what he did. What if she asks for some small memento that your father threw away as 'junk'? It is especially worrying that you and your mother have joint POA and he takes it on himself to do what he wants. Please make sure that you build good relations with the care home so that they consult you and not him re your GMs care.

ShatnersBassoon · 07/01/2017 23:46

Get onto the home staff and tell them you'll be visiting as you please. 10 days is far too long to go without direct contact from family in these circumstances. It's no wonder she isn't settled. Perhaps your sadness over missing out on the visit to her house would feel less keen if you were tending to your grandmother's everyday needs as you've been used to.

kittybiscuits · 07/01/2017 23:46

Your dad is a prick and I'm so sorry you have had so many stupid and arsey comments on this thread. Flowers

SILfoundmyusername · 07/01/2017 23:46

YANBU. With both sets of my grandparents, I took photos of every room in their houses, how it was untouched. Sad to look at but I do every now and again. I also wanted things from the house, basically everything I took and wanted was from the charity shop pile, things that reminded me of them not things of value.

kittybiscuits · 07/01/2017 23:47

Is it definitely the home saying she can't have visitors or is it your parents?

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2017 23:47

Sorry, you wanted her to stay at your parent's house over Christmas instead of yours, but they said no and had her at their house on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, or you had her at your house for those days?

Either way, I think it's just miscommunication here.

I don't think it's unreasonable to put off such a big job for 10 days and then get on with it.

Perhaps your parents felt as though you could do more to help out? Like have your gran at your house rather than insisting she spent Christmas with them (unless I've misunderstood and she did spend it with you).

Or offer to help them when it came to clearing her house?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2017 23:48

My mother is in a care home. My brother and I had to clean out her house. I'd say YABU unless you spoke up when the plans were being made and said that you wanted to help with the cleaning out, not just 'Oh don't clean out Granny's house until I've had a chance to sit in it and remember her'. Sounds as if you were vocal enough about when your Granny was going to be moved so you should have spoken up then.

I don't think you really understand the guilt and the emotional and physical turmoil and exhaustion involved in breaking up your beloved parent's home. Sometimes the 'easiest' way to get through it is just to dig in and get it done before you really have time to think about the pain. No, they aren't dead, but all of us wish that our parents would be able to live in their own home and then pass away peacefully in their own beds so it is a 'bereavement' of a different kind. Especially if dementia has 'robbed' you of them already.

That being said, I'm sorry they didn't save anything with special meaning for you. Hopefully your mum kept some things and they will be passed on to you eventually. After my brother and I decided what each of us wanted to keep, we did set a date for our two sons to come to Mum's and pick out the things they wanted.

And asking family not to visit for the first few days in care is pretty par for the course. Both the facility where Mum is and the facility my aunt lives in do the same for new residents. It allows them to settle in quietly and be accustomed to the new surroundings and routine.

stonecircle · 07/01/2017 23:51

I would definitely go and visit her. Surely the home can't deny you access? I would think it would make someone more unsettled to feel they'd been put somewhere where they weren't able to see family.

When my mum went into a care home my sister visited her every day and I visited when I could - right from day 1.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 07/01/2017 23:55

Is it possible your parents didn't understand quite how much it meant to you to go and thought maybe it was one of those things people say they will do.but then sort of.forget about (I'm not saying that's what it was just perhaps their interpretation). Maybe he thought if you were serious.you would have done so by now and was eager to get things moving with the house sale to reduce stress and heartache further down the line? Either way it's a horrible situation Flowers

HeddaGarbled · 07/01/2017 23:55

I think that you should ignore all this not visiting and can't even send her a card nonsense and just go and visit her. At least once a week, more if you can. That's much much more important than hanging around in her empty house and getting emotional over a flannel.

I don't like the way you use the expression "put her for the two weeks they went on holiday" as if they were doing something bad in ensuring she was safe when they had two weeks off from caring for her. Did you offer to look after her for those two weeks and regularly throughout the year so that they could have a break from caring? You seem very critical of your parents but if you have never cared for an elderly person all year round with only a two week break, you have no idea how exhausting and emotionally draining it can be.

CakesRUs · 07/01/2017 23:59

I understand you being upset, but there's such a lot of work involved in organising someone else's life whilst you are still running your own, maybe he had time off over christmas in which he could address the task at hand? Maybe he didn't want it looming and found it difficult himself? Wishing you all well.

alreadytaken · 07/01/2017 23:59

agree with acrossthepond - you should have specified when you would go to help. If it mattered that much to you you should have been round in ten days. You haven't and you are projecting your guilt onto your parents. Being annoyed is understandable, a blazing row isnt.

A few days to settle in have passed. Go and visit now whether the home like it or not and if possible see she has a phone she can call you with. Take photos of family with you.

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2017 00:02

Agree with alreadytaken

Original poster
Stiffanky · 08/01/2017 00:09

Thanks to those being supportive. Some context perhaps. My husband's nan is also very poorly. She lives 4 hours away and he is there at the moment as she may die and understandably he wants to see her. We were visiting another elderly relative of my husband in Dorset when my grandma went into the home and got back on 2nd, late. I have a 2 year old son and live an hour away from my folks so it's not so easy to drop everything and go. i had intended to visit m grandma on Friday (yesterday) but was told not to... to give it longer. I would've gone to her house after that. And yes, I did offer to look after my grandma and provide respite care when my parents went away, in addition to the domicilary care she had. She herself said she felt abandoned by my parents

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