To Hate people who constantly faff.

[1980sChick]

I hate being in the presence of them, sadly my dp is 1.

I was upstairs cleaning the bedroom and changing beds when he popped up to inform me that he and ds were getting hungry and what did I have in mind for tea... because that's obviously my domain. I said if he went and cut the chicken up with a bit of veg we could have pasta bake.

That was 5 o clock, it's been 45 minutes. I expected the pasta bake to be in the oven by now but no, instead I'm greeted with dp who has nearly every bowl we own out in front of him ( when he cooks it's like he's doing his own cooking segment on tv with all the bits in the bowls). He has taken to sharpening the knives instead of using them and is now finding the perfect song for his cooking experience andwhen I comment that he's taking too long, I'm the unreasonable 1.

It's like this with everything, this morning his mum called round and we had no tea bags, he said he'd pop out to get some, he disappeared upstairs for a shower 1st then ironed a outfit, spent 10 mins on his hair then appeared downstairs to ask which brand to get, his mum had left 30 mins before he came down.

How on earth do you live with people who faff, there's no sense of urgency at all with him and it drives me mad!

I have one of these Faffing DH Types.

We're all waiting in the car to go out. 'Where's DH?' Oh, of course he's just cleaning some golf clubs that he's walked past for the last week but suddenly this is the moment that they need cleaning.

Or, on a Saturday when it's football training and we need to leave at 8am he decides it's the moment to start making bacon sarnies - everyone else was fine with toast/cereal half an hour ago. When I mention that we don't have an hour for him to start preparing his magnificent bacon feast he gets huffy and suggests that I didn't 'let him' have breakfast.

And the one that really winds me up is that if we go out he has to put on his coat, carefully fill the pockets, then walk the 10m to the car only to remove the coat carefully and look for his specs in one of the pockets while I race to the car like a packhorse with bags, coats and assorted sports gear.

He is wonderful but the faffing drives me mad.

And breathe...

My DH was clearly made in the same mould as some of these. His timekeeping is a running joke with our best friends. They live about an hour's drive away and we are always sensationally late when we visit.

He will wait until it's time to leave, then announce that he just needs to (insert random task here) and it will "just take 5 minutes."

It never does take 5 minutes. Usually it's something that cannot ever take 5 minutes. Changing the oil in his car...installing updates on his laptop...tumble drying a pair of jeans...

I now don't tell him the real time I've arranged to meet. I tell him it's at least an hour earlier. We are still usually late, but not quite as spectacularly. (And he still hasn't worked out that I lie.)

My friend and her DH are faffers. It's fascinating to watch but frequently makes me utterly murderous. We're already fifteen minutes late? Why yes, then this is a perfect time for you to paint your nails and for your husband to start stripping wallpaper.

Ohhh condensed!! That reminds of another highly irritating thing faffer dh does.....drives around the entire fucking car park looking for a space, drives past a gazillion empty spacious ones and will end up squeezing (very slowly of course) into a random one somehow always bloody furthest away from the shop/door....normally after I've shouted JUST CHOOSE A BLOODY SPACE AND PARK IN IT

My friend and I have a catch phrase 'put the fucking blanket down' when someone starts to faff. It comes from a time when we all went to the beach with a faffing friend, lots of pissing about getting ready to go, all in the car when they remember something they need from indoors etc. We get to the beach and they get the rug out 'Shall I put it here? Or shall I put it over here? Oh no, I'll put it here, or maybe here'

JUST PUT THE FUCKING BLANKET DOWN !

Ooh and another one re my ex. My daughter moved house in very traumatic circumstances and we were at her new place sorting stuff out. We needed a new front door yale lock so I asked him to go to a local hardware shop and get one.

Him- where is this shop ?
Me-small town, just ask anyone, think it's by Morrison.
Him - do they sell locks?
Me - I expect so, they're a diy shop
Him - what size?
Me-take the old lock with you.
Him-what if they don't sell them? Are you sure they sell them?
Me- I don't know, go and see.
Him - what if I can't find the shop?
By then I was in a mood to kill.

Later,there was a wardrobe unit that had been left by the previous tenants we had to get rid of. We put it on a free site and someone was coming to get it. Bear in mind it's a huge WARDROBE which needs taking apart. My daughter sent him upstairs to start taking the WARDROBE apart. I went upstairs and he's taking the drawers out of the chest of drawers (filled with my daughter's clothes) and muttering that she shouldn't have put stuff in there if he is supposed to be taking it apart. Two things to mention here- 1. That's not a wardrobe and 2. You bought her the bloody expensive chest of drawers that you're planning on taking apart and giving away to some random stranger?

Anyway, when he was pointed to the bloody great WARDROBE UNIT that needs taking apart, he spent fucking ages taking it to bits, carefully parcelling up all the screws with each section, taking the drawers back to practically factory condition. My daughter said-just take it to bits as quick as poss, these people are getting it free so get on with it.
And don't get me started on the painting issue! X

but he sat with his laptop on the loo from half one till it was very nearly dark & has just finished now.

Doesn't his arse get cold!

SLP I feel your pain, my ex pil

I didn't realise til adulthood that my sibling's faffing was basically a bid for control. No one can leave until faffer is ready. Siblings spouse is very relaxed.
My DH is not a faffer. I married the most punctual man in Britain and may have cited that in a list of reasons why I love him (there are other, soppier ones!) But now I get more annoyed than is necessary about anyone else's tardiness! Also we may raise overly 'type A' children. I've already realised that when we say we are leaving, they start getting ready, and other 5year olds ignore that and just keep playing. I may have to send them to live with my sibling, for balance!

My DM & I watched in disbelief while my then husband took 10 mins to make toast for DS1. DS wanted half a slice with jam, other half with Marmite. Instead of toasting a slice, buttering it, cutting in half & slathering each in appropriate spread he buttered a whole slice then spent ages coating each half while maintaining some kind of Marmite/jam-free no-mans-land in between. Then he cut it. And he's a chef. And my arm hairs stood on end just watching him do this. And my teeth itched.

Aaahhhaaahhhhaa (heavenly choir) I have found my people.
I thought it was just me. I am so happy I am not the only one. That I can get up make a packed lunch. Shower. Dry hair put make up on. Help ds on with clothes. Sort teeth face and hair put. Watch some news headlines. Make the coffee. Make breakfast and get out the door by 8.30am. While dh has quite literally got up. Got dressed had a 40 minute shit. And run up the road catching us up looking like shite despite getting up half an hour before me.
I always says he's bz doing nothing. Late for eveything. Thank God I'm not alone.

DP is like this. I watched him spend a good 10 minutes putting his fucking shoes on. He picks them up. Looks at them for a while. Faffs with the laces. Puts them down. Wanders off. Returns. Messes with the laces again. And so on. This was when we were already 40 mins late after he'd just changed his jacket 3 times. JUST PUT YOUR FUCKING SHOES ON!!! It's infuriating and sometimes when he faffs about I just think LTB.

I am stressed reading these. I will provide an alibi if required.

I am your comrade!

My mother takes all day, literally 9am to 5pm, to produce a Sunday roast. As a measurement, I would have mucked out the horse, turned him out, made feeds, gone home, walked dogs, done shopping, three loads of washing, made a massive roast dinner, caught horse in-you get the picture! All fucking day, I have no idea how she does it.

I line managed a faffer: she would present a personal problem, ask and ignore my opinion, eventually come to a conclusion she liked, back and forth like some batshit thing. Drove me nuts. I should be more tolerant, but omg, she witters on so badly.

Call him for dinner - perfect time to go to the toilet Why do men do this?

DMIL is a dishing-up-Sunday-roast faffer. The meat comes out of the oven to 'rest' when the roast potatoes go in. She puts the meat not in a warm place, oh no, but by an open window so it gets stone cold. She spends sooo long arranging and re-arranging neatly placed slices of meat, then roast potatoes here, no, there, no, maybe back where she arranged them in the first place. Broccoli... One piece on that plate, one on the next plate, no, take that bit off and put it on the first plate.... The plates (which were luke-warm when she started) are now stone cold, and the food is getting that way too. Oh, but she's made some lovely gravy - about half an hour ago so that's gone cold too, so we have to wait while it heats up in the saucepan again. And her plates have a metallic rim so we can't even zap them in the microwave.

Bless her, I love her dearly, but I've eaten so many congealed stiff-with-cold food and then had to say how lovely it is... AAAARGHHHHH!

oh no, I'm like this OP

We were packing for a holiday a few weeks ago and I packed teabags, travel kettle, plastic cups and various other 'essentials', DH came in and said 'you've been packing for an hour and all you've packed is food or toiletries related!! What about pants and socks!' Lol, he was totally right, I think it's because I completely under-estimate the time taken to do stuff - maybe I need to get a book in time management!

I strongly believe that all these people who faff were raised by people with much more patience that I. In this house, the tiniest hint of faff results in shoes ON/just brush your teeth/stop dancing around in your pants/I will put this awful photo of you on FB of you don't get a FUCKING MOVE ON!

Yep

My Mum walks into a shop (b+m/home bargains being the worst shops for this ) , I walk into the shop . I walk down 3 aisles browsing stuff. I look back Mum is no where to be seen . She's still only on the 2nd rack from the door . She can start to get ready to go out. She can be dressed and should be ready to go whilst I'm still asleep , yet I can still be out the door before her. God knows what she does ? I'm walking up the road and shes still in the house yet she was ready to go with her coat on before I even took my pjs off ! It drives me insane !

My mum had a special talent for hour long visits to M&S. She'd go in, find something nice, something in her size that she liked. Perfect for her, all within 30 seconds of entering the shop. 58 minutes later she'd eventually circle back to perfect top, find out her size was no longer there, decide to try on size 14 anyway. Queue for changing rooms. Nope, she doesn't like it. Better look around for something else. 2 hours. Every other Saturday.

Me: enter store, speed assess all items, pick up things I like in my size, purchase. All of 10 mins.

Yes I think it's a man thing 😑

My husband goes to the extremes of thinking about doing something being as good as actually having done it.

Text messages annoy me no end- did u get my msg? Him: yes... me: sooooo???... him: so what?.. me: did u read it?.. Hun: yes... me: soooooo?.. him: so what?.. me: what did u think?... him; yeah... me: WHY DIDNT YOU REPLY TO ME THEN?... him: I thought about doing but then I got an email/ went for a piss/ thought about a squirrel/ drank a slurp of my tea etc etc

Like he can only have one conscious thought

My DS1 has faffer tendencies. He's more amenable to 'worthy' days out than DS2 but once we're there he wants to read every detail about every exhibit. This would be ok if he hadn't decided the laces of his Converse needed a quick spruce-up 10mins before we were due to leave.

Oh and the dinner/ toilet thing, DS1 who is 13 has also started with this, however we what he likes to call 'the MMC'.... mid meal crap

Yes folks at least 5 nights out of 7 half of his tea goes cold while he is on the bog reading the back of the toothpaste

I'd be quite pleased if my DD faffed, at least she'd be doing something. Instead when she's supposed to be getting ready I go up to chivvy her along to find she's sitting in the bed , one sock half on the other in her hand . When I ask her what she's doing she replies 'Just thinking about stuff' . Well can you think and keep moving ? Apparently not !

1980s Chick et al, you have cheered me up so much tonight, great comedy, I nominate for Classics, thanks for the laughs