Fucking bullies!!

[mrsC4]

Posted in WWYD but figured I would get quicker answers here because I'm so stressed out and need help.

First of all I'd like to start by saying teenage girls at my dds school take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary.
However DD has become the target of the 'queen bee' and her group (whom she was friends with) and every one of them has alienated her because of the queen bee except one girl.
After having to remove her from school on Friday due to the god awful atmosphere at school (none of it physical but still) and the girl who's stood by her also went home it turns out that her friend has now been told to distance herself from my DD. Leaving her with nobody.
I fully hold my hands up when my DD is a shit and involved in things but the other parents don't seem to think their previous offspring are in the wrong. Even a screenshot from a message stating 'well it's about fifty of us to two of you so go figure' is apparently none of the schools business because it was outside of school hours.
There is a lot more to this story but since the whole fallout started I have checked my dds social media and seen the argument unfolding and in this scenario she isn't the instigator and even blocking didn't seem to have made a difference.
We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on.
School have apparently read this girls the riot act but given that the hostile behaviour in classrooms wasn't picked up on by teaching staff, I really don't know what else to do. I feel that by sending her back would be throwing her to the lions.
An acquaintance has told me that this group have said it's my DD who they dislike and that if the other girl wasn't friends with her they'd leave her alone! I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing!

Regarding number changing, call the provider and explain the situation. We're with EE and when my husband was being harassed by phone they changed his number for free because of that. The person I spoke to said it was policy to allow one free number change if it is for those reasons, so worth a try.

I totally sympathise and reading this has bought lots of stressful memories flooding back :( On paper, the advice about being more resilient, rising above it etc is exactly correct. But it is so so hard. I am a very confident and resilient adult now, but still struggle to make new friends, or enter group scenarios where I dont know people because I still feel like there is something wrong with me and noone will like me anyway...

The only semi-practical advice I could possible start to give is to let her cry a lot on your shoulder. I never told my mum what was going on (although she guessed some of it) because I didn't want to upset her. And ten years later I still find it hard to open up to her even though she would have been nothing but supportive.

And on a different note, it is really important for her to realise that although this feels like torture right now, it is essentially the blink of an eye in her whole life. My life now couldn't be more different from how it was then. I haven't thought about the people who bullied me for years, but I can say with all certainty that they aren't happy people, no matter what type of lives they might be leading now. If she can just channel her anger and frustration and feelings of betrayal into effort with her studies then it will have a positive effect on her life for years and years to come. If she knuckles down, the days at school will pass more quickly, she will be able to drown out the comments if she is busy, and then time will go quicker and she will be out of that school ASAP.

Sending massive hugs... I have a 2YO DD now and the thought of her going to school makes me feel physically sick for these reasons :(

This might sound callous. But it's practice for adult life. It's not going to get easier. But you have the law on your side once you're an adult. So what if she's not 'in the gang'.
Who'd want to hang around with bitches like that?

Hi. My daughter had this happen, no particular reason. She was the third person this same girl had ostracised from the group. My DD didn't see it for what it was until it happened to her. She had never joined in with the bullying of the other people, but regretted not being more vocal in sticking up for them at the time, she had just kept out of it seeing it as a "normal argument " without realising the dynamics.
I found an article about queen bees and the way they work. My daughter read it and recognised her friend in the description. It made her see it was a problem with the other girl not with my DD personally; she hadn't done anything "wrong". She was more able to detach and "not care less" when she know this.
I don't think it was this article but this says similar if you want your daughter to read it:
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lets-talk-tween/201311/understanding-why-queen-bees-are-able-hold-court

By all means push the school too, I don't have an easy answer for what you should do to protect her from this, other than to listen.

This might sound callous. But it's practice for adult life. It's not going to get easier. But you have the law on your side once you're an adult. So what if she's not 'in the gang'.

There's far more to it than that. She's completely ostracised at school at present, not including the abuse she is receiving in additon. What do you suggest? That she returns to that place as the stuation currently stands? How is that good practice for adult life?

This might sound callous. But it's practice for adult life. It's not going to get easier.

Eh? When do adults get ostracised by 50 other people? I can honestly say as an adult it has never happened to me, but it happened at school to a much lesser extent than the OP describes as I always had some friends who stuck by me and it really wasn't everyone. I think it sounds ridiculous rather than callous tbh.

PoisonousSmurf I don't think there is any evidence bullying prepares you for later life. I think the evidence points to the opposite. I am very sorry if you were bullied, and if you drew strength from it, good on you. But generally bullying has the opposite effect, IMHO.

Have you contacted the LEA for advice, OP?

Easiest way to 'kill' the 'Queen Bee' is to give her a taste of her own 'poison'.
When you get them alone, they are pathetic creatures who have no power whatsoever.
Don't let them see that you are feeling hurt, keep going into school and if it turns to violence, then the trap is sprung on the 'Queen' as she will be in trouble with the police.

Italiangreyhound. Yes I was bullied but I found that adults were ever worse than kids. Especially when working in offices.
Back in the 80s I could beat up the 'Queen Bees', but in the adult world, a word with the boss was enough.
Suppose I'm super angry. But I won't take sh&t off anyone.

Don't let them see that you are feeling hurt, keep going into school and if it turns to violence, then the trap is sprung on the 'Queen' as she will be in trouble with the police.

What a good idea

Oh and just want to add, I was relieved when queen bee fell out with my daughter as I felt she had been a malign influence. I felt like my DD had been in an abusive relationship, always having to dance to queen bee's tune.
Regardless of what you decide to do at school, try and find your daughter a hobby with some nice people. Possibly a part time job with a different group of people. It boosted my DD's confidence no end to have something different to focus on and different people to be with.

Basicbrown. You have no idea what real bullying is do you?

Windypolar. At least she won't be seen as being a victim. Too many people run away, instead of standing up and fighting.

Jesus there was a thread on here before Christmas about a child being bullied and there was page after page of support and advice. This poor child gets told to toughen up or advised it will make her resilient! !!!
Mumsnet is a joke of double standards these days! !

Basicbrown. You have no idea what real bullying is do you?

LOL wtaf so 'bullying' is only real bullying if you assess it as such? Being called ugly on a daily basis by about 70 people for 2 years yeah, that's not real it was just imagined and me being a bit pathetic.

Whatever you say.

My dd is currently asleep after a tough night where her anxiety would not allow her to sleep.
We are off to the gp soon to discuss this. She has missed days of her education and is too afraid to go out for fear of another attack!
I'll tell her later that it's just prep for life and to toughen up and show the bullies a taste of their own medicine!
NOT

This poor child gets told to toughen up or advised it will make her resilient! !!!

I think 16 is on the old side for this kind of issue, which may be why. But that's a reflection on the immaturity of the bullies rather than the victim for me. My issues at school largely stopped before year 11, people were a bit more grown up by then.

Your poor DD my heart goes out to her, but it sounds like she has a fantastic, supportive mum in you. It can't be easy for you either, watching her go through this and also the hostility you are being subjected to by other parents and the unhelpfulness of the school. I, personally, would not send her back until the school have sorted this out - I know this is such a difficult time with her studying for GCSE's but at the end of the day you can re-take GCSE's - it must be hell for her going into that school every day - her mental health and happiness is the most important thing. The "Queen Bee" and her parents need to be spoken to directly by the Head and made to realise how serious this is -she should be suspended and threatened with expulsion. The Head has the responsibility of your daughter's welfare at school, they have a duty of care towards your daughter and must have anti-bullying strategies they can put in place. Can you get in touch with an anti-bullying charity, who can support and advise you?Remind your DD that it is not her fault, she does not deserve this - it is the other girls who have something wrong with them, not her, these bullies can turn on anyone at anytime and they always operate within "a pack" as they are nothing by themselves. Re-assure her that school does not last forever, and these people will have no influence on her life soon , although that must be hard for her to contemplate now. Good luck to you both - the best friend she has at the moment is you.

This might sound callous. But it's practice for adult life. It's not going to get easier

For God's sake don't ever say that to bullied child as, first of all, it is not true and, secondly, they will want to kill themselves.

I've had over forty years of adult life, with its ups and downs, but nothing as miserable or as nasty as my time in secondary school.

100% right, @Atenco!

I was bullied relentlessly at school, almost the whole time from the day I started secondary. Nothing in my life - apart from some time in the army (go figure!) - was anything like as bad as those years at school. Sadly though the bullying that happens to many at school is carried with them and affects them for the rest of their lives. It's incredibly damaging and I would say lazy to just say "well this is how it is, get used to it".

And, another thing, as an adult, unless you are prisoner, you can walk away from a situation you don't like.

Grrrr shit still going on via social media even though there's been a public announcement online by the school about cracking down on it! 🙄 pathetic little shits really must have boring lives!!

This sounds appalling and the school is being less than helpful. Suggest to the head that you intend to talk to the police citing their non implementation of the anti bullying policy as a reason for not sending your dd back to school and reaffirm that you have records of the bullying.