Fucking bullies!!

[mrsC4]

Posted in WWYD but figured I would get quicker answers here because I'm so stressed out and need help.

First of all I'd like to start by saying teenage girls at my dds school take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary.
However DD has become the target of the 'queen bee' and her group (whom she was friends with) and every one of them has alienated her because of the queen bee except one girl.
After having to remove her from school on Friday due to the god awful atmosphere at school (none of it physical but still) and the girl who's stood by her also went home it turns out that her friend has now been told to distance herself from my DD. Leaving her with nobody.
I fully hold my hands up when my DD is a shit and involved in things but the other parents don't seem to think their previous offspring are in the wrong. Even a screenshot from a message stating 'well it's about fifty of us to two of you so go figure' is apparently none of the schools business because it was outside of school hours.
There is a lot more to this story but since the whole fallout started I have checked my dds social media and seen the argument unfolding and in this scenario she isn't the instigator and even blocking didn't seem to have made a difference.
We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on.
School have apparently read this girls the riot act but given that the hostile behaviour in classrooms wasn't picked up on by teaching staff, I really don't know what else to do. I feel that by sending her back would be throwing her to the lions.
An acquaintance has told me that this group have said it's my DD who they dislike and that if the other girl wasn't friends with her they'd leave her alone! I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing!

MrsC4 I am so sorry this is happening. How crap. Please engage with your daughter and get her input to help sort this out. Ask her what she wants to do. I would certainly consider moving her to a new school if his is something she wants. Although I would draw the attention of Ofsted to the school whether you move her or not.

"I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing!"

Are there no text messages or Facebook messages you can get screen shots of?

The fact this happened outside school is no reason at all for the school not to take action. The only reason the girls/children are able to pick on your dd is because they all go to the same school.

"The straw that broke the camels back was being sat in her first lesson of the day - most of the students were part of the group and made it plainly obvious they were talking about her, making snide comments about her having no friends, staring at her, etc."

If she does return to school can she record these comments on her phone? Would she feel confident enough to do this? Don't make her attempt this if she is not willing to do so, please.

So I'd have to take her out of school fully 😔 the girls have all turned against her at the say so of the ringleader.
The head told me that girl had admitted if she became friends with her again then all the rest would and she said she would do that. Then I was made aware of all the social media shit out of school hours which is apparently not their problem!

I feel sorry for your DD 🙁
It's horrible high school. High school is the worst time of a personas life in my opinion! I was bullied at school, everyone hated me. I think because we were a 'low income ' family and didnt have much. I was called a tramp, ugly, the lot. It was by boys and girls though. Kids always find a child in school to bully and there is always a 'ringleader' and it makes me mad. One thing your DD should do is ignore them, pretend they don't exist. Yes it's not nice being alone but your DD will always come out the better person. She doesn't need girls like that in her life. When she leaves she can make friends in college where it's a lot less bitchy. Has she got friends around where you live? Maybe she could start going to outside school clubs and make friends not connected to her school?

She has said she would rather fail everything and amount to nothing than go back there

We live in a rural area all the kids go to the same high school

That's why we are considered 'outsiders'
I have been told by school that she has struggled to fit in because she isn't a local!

Presumably she will be leaving anyway in a few months?

You said "they take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary".

What do you mean she was well involved in it?

She needs to go back. Running away from this will not serve her in the long run. And I know from experience how tough all of this is.

A person in authority telling a group of social-media savvy teenagers thay they must be friends with soandso, is never going to end well.

Intervening usually makes friendship issues worse.

I mean there was always an argument between at least two of them over something and nothing. He said she said. Obviously it's never clear who slagged who off or anything like that but I make it clear to her for example if someone says X has said this about you just nod and say okay because they've not said it directly to you so don't cause a bloody issue about something that might not have happened

Why don't they like her?

How can I send my child back to an environment where she's being taunted and stared at and sat alone all the time

You can remove her from the school to home educate. You'd be liable for the exam fees (you could go and see the head and ask whether he'd be willing to let her sit her GCSEs at the school even if you withdraw her, but he doesn't have to say yes). You can call the LA and kick up a stink with the education department, and see if they are willing to pay for her to have tutors or pay for her to attend Interhigh, if the physical situation in the school is untenable (in fact, that'd be my first line of attack - to ask for that from the LA, and take it above the school's head entirely).

If you end up home educating, you'll probably find a really supportive local community - and there's no need for her to power through to GCSEs this summer (because it's only on the school treadmill that it is crucial to take 8 GCSEs or whatever all in one go in the summer when you are 16 - lots of home educators do more bespoke acquisition of qualifications!)

Because she had a disagreement with the queen bee over something petty and within hours the rest of them were involved against her

The other parents really don't seem to give a shit. If I'd been told DD was involved in a group that made it necessary for two pupils to be taken home from school as they were so upset I'd be absolutely fuming with her and she would be punished

OP "I'm aware people will say she needs to toughen up but imagine being sat alone in a corner knowing everyone else is talking about and laughing at you." I hope to God no one would be stupid enough to say that. I hate anyone making excuses for bullies.

I agree with FATEdestiny that "Perhaps helping her develop resilience and self-reliance mechanisms wouldn't hurt?" But that is not going to stop a whole lot girls from bullying her in the short term, is it. I would not be going into work if the whole or even half the workforce were treating me like this and I am pretty confident adult.

Agree with Pillowaddict "Building her self reliance and teaching her life lessons is all well and good but I know I wouldn't want my dd facing that on a daily basis in an environment where the teachers don't seem to care - I wouldn't put myself through it. They sound horrible."

Does your dd do outside school activities (I mean not connected to school)? These can help as HadEnoughThisChristmas. I do Taekwan-do and have found it very helpful for confidence building.

Hello OP, I've only read your first post, and I'm very sorry to hear about what's happened to your daughter. I do feel the school isn't fulfilling its anti-bullying policy, though, as I believe school's are obliged to look at cyberbullying whether or not it takes place during school hours. If any student of the school is involved, the school's anti-bullying policy can be used to deal with that student's (or those students') actions and sanction them accordingly.

You don't have to send her back to that environment.

Most people will tell you that you are teaching her to run away from difficult things in life. And that she has to stick with it. And it's only a few more months, to get crucial qualifications.

Some people will tell you that you are teaching her that if you are in a toxic situation it is a good thing to remove yourself and find alternatives. Those people may also tell you that, if she wants to come out of school and you find a way to make that happen for her, she will never ever forget that, when the chips were down, you had her back. And they may also tell you that people can't learn effectively when under stress (cortisol, innit?), so there's not much point powering on towards school-based GCSEs when being bullied and ostracised.

dons hard hat ready for flaming

Is that initial argument solvable or has more been said since then?

Is your dd in the wrong, in the right, or half and half?

FATEdestiny "Thinking about her development longer term, through into her 20s and beyond, these kinds of self-learning opportunities don't come along often.

If you can teacher her to feel she is better than they are rather than a victim - she can learn to grow up to be a confident and hopefully empathetic young woman."

Please do not talk about bullying as a learning opportunity! You personally may have been bullied and learnt from it, but many people are crippled by bullying in school.

Anything in life can be a lesson!

But looking for negative experiences to help us 'to grow' is, IMHO, a really sad and bad way of viewing it. If one is the victim of any kind of abuse it is not your responsibility to grow from it or gain empathy, instead those who are duty bound to protect you, should do so.

In this case the original argument was absolutely not my dds fault. I have a few screenshots of messages saying they intend to make her leave the school but they use nicknames in the chats and there's no time stamp on them. The girl who's phone they're in has been told by her parents and seemingly the head to distance herself from my DD and leave her to face the music alone (she's been told it's my DD they hate not her and they just picked on her for sticking by my DD)

The school should definitely be doing something about this. When this happened in a school where I taught, the girls were brought together and told if it didn't stop some examples would be made and pupils would be suspended for bullying. Sadly, there was some negative reaction among the parents, but they were told that a situation where one person was being treated in much the same way as your daughter is would not be tolerated, thankfully and rather embarrassingly the fathers reacted in a better manner than the mothers did and a stop was put to it.
We couldn't say that the girl was happy at school after that, but she did have some decent friends and was able to complete her exams successfully.

And the issue isn't solvable because the queen bee and an outside party were the cause, obviously the school can't discipline a non pupil. They apparently have an issue with her because of the way she looks 🙄

Not one of these parents seem to care. The girls have a lot of public FB posts and they're all carrying on as normal