Fucking bullies!!

[mrsC4]

Posted in WWYD but figured I would get quicker answers here because I'm so stressed out and need help.

First of all I'd like to start by saying teenage girls at my dds school take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary.
However DD has become the target of the 'queen bee' and her group (whom she was friends with) and every one of them has alienated her because of the queen bee except one girl.
After having to remove her from school on Friday due to the god awful atmosphere at school (none of it physical but still) and the girl who's stood by her also went home it turns out that her friend has now been told to distance herself from my DD. Leaving her with nobody.
I fully hold my hands up when my DD is a shit and involved in things but the other parents don't seem to think their previous offspring are in the wrong. Even a screenshot from a message stating 'well it's about fifty of us to two of you so go figure' is apparently none of the schools business because it was outside of school hours.
There is a lot more to this story but since the whole fallout started I have checked my dds social media and seen the argument unfolding and in this scenario she isn't the instigator and even blocking didn't seem to have made a difference.
We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on.
School have apparently read this girls the riot act but given that the hostile behaviour in classrooms wasn't picked up on by teaching staff, I really don't know what else to do. I feel that by sending her back would be throwing her to the lions.
An acquaintance has told me that this group have said it's my DD who they dislike and that if the other girl wasn't friends with her they'd leave her alone! I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing!

Happened to someone I was at school with ( I got bullied for other stuff and was never in the popular crowd) and they ended up having all the boys dome and sit with her so it sort of backfired!

I would suggest to her that she does not let these do called friends win and gets her head down and gets her GCSEs .

Can you get copies of - the anti bullying policy behavior policy and the complaints procedure -

Then write a letter and refer to the polices - i.e. Where they failed your daughter

Forward a copy to the school governors and LA and local MP

Any meetings - email the above - On Monday we discussed XY and you'd said you'd do Z by X date - I expect a review meeting in 5 days as outlined in the complaints procedure

Stop being angry - it's not doing you any good - start getting proactive!!!

Turn off all social media - stop being caught up in the circus -

Call the community police team attached to the school for advise - ask school for the number

I work in pastoral care in a secondary school. Don't send her in tomorrow but contact the school and ask for an urgent appointment with Head of Year and whoever is responsible for pastoral care. Ask for a copy of their anti-bullying policy - you may be able to download this from the school's website. Make the meeting less about what has been happening / who is to blame and more about what strategies / support can be put in place to get her back to school and ensure that school is a safe environment for her. The social media bullying is under the school's remit as it is affecting your daughter's welfare in school and her education. There are things the school can do and they absolutely must get involved. Keep copies of everything and email a summary of every meeting to those involved so that everything said is put into writing. Make it clear that you will lodge a formal complaint if your daughter is not supported. Home schooling is not the answer here, I doubt that you are an expert in every subject your daughter is studying for gcse and your daughter deserves a full education. Good luck, I really feel for her and you - it is such a horrible thing to go through

Meeting with the head and pastoral care officer and a copy of the anti-bullying policy seems like it could do the job.

Tha anti bullying policy refers to the behavior policy which links into the complaints procedure - you need all three

citrinelles:

"Home schooling is not the answer here, I doubt that you are an expert in every subject your daughter is studying for gcse and your daughter deserves a full education."

Do you have much experience of home education with teenagers? I ask because this doesn't seem like it's grounded in knowledge of how people make it work! No home educating parent is an expert in every subject their children study. That's why we:

• get tutors
• form co-ops
• offer our children the opportunity of FE college for some or all academic subjects once they reach 14
• follow the educational interests and needs of the child, and help them pursue their ambitions strategically rather than forcing them to follow a broad curriculum that is based on the lowest-common-denominator needs of an institution with salaried staff and hundreds of pupils...

Red rag. Bull. Sorry. I'm prejudiced towards home education because I see so many children thriving as soon as they get out of the school environment. I think it likely that those who work in education, education welfare of various kinds, CAMHS etc are equally prejudiced towards the professionalisation and institutionalisation of children's education and welfare, and of course they have a personal and material interest in that industry thriving.

Good post, Ommm.
I was just about to address that comment about home education.

Thank you all for your helpful replies - I am going to try my best to sort this out asap but all I can say is that I will not be sending my DD back to that school whilst she has nobody and this cliquey ganging up is going on. It's plainly obvious that they're all focusing on ostracising the outsider and unfortunately now it seems she has been pushed out 😔 kids can be such horrors can't they.

Can she find nicer friends?

OP - only just came across this. You need to keep her out of school until it is resolved. I haven't read the whole thread, but report to your LEA, the Board of Governors and OFSTED.

This was happening to my DD last year, and it led to her attempting to take her own life on two occasions. Lots of empty promises and fairy tales woven to encourage her back to school, and she went.

But after the second attempt we moved her, and it is the best decision we could have made. It will no doubt have a knock on effect with her results, but the new school say she is doing really well, and are predicting good things for her. But i don't care if she has to retake the lot, she is happy, settled and has made some great new friends, and she feels like she belongs.

I would phone first thing and ask for a meeting - say you want the meeting before she returns and hopefully that will be tomorrow.

I do wonder if there is more to it than meets the eye. Social media is an absolute nightmare - for example of Instagram (our kids app of choice) they can delete the comment they made (and it disappears from everybody's view of the conversation). This makes it hard to police/sanction. It also means sometimes the kids are not truthful about their part. From a school's POV this makes it a nightmare to untangle. Yes schools should be tackling cyber bullying etc even if outside of school, absolutely, but it is not always straightforward to deal with and sanction (which is hugely frustrating!). I would just bear this in mind - are you getting the full story? And I wonder, are the other girl's parents getting the full story?

WhoremoaneeGrainger I am so sorry you are in this position and want to say well done for protecting your child.

It's a rural area and the ones who aren't involved now don't want to be friends with her because they will then become targets (as did the only girl who did stand by her)

I can honestly say there isn't much about this story that I don't know. I've been monitoring it closely knowing it was going to end badly and the information I've had and seen SINCE the supposed bollocking from the head just proves that they are hell bent on pushing the 'outsider' away from the whole year group

Apologies ommm I didn't choose my words very well. I do understand how home schooling works and absolutely agree it can be a wonderful way for a child to thrive. I suppose what I meant is that in this case the OP's daughter shouldn't be pushed out of school, she is entitled to an in school education which is the way her parents have chosen to educate her. Home schooling is a big commitment and takes time to organise well and this girl is very close to her GCSEs. Whilst I agree that her happiness and mental health is more important than her exam results, she is the victim here and has the right to continue with her education as she chooses and to sit her exams when she wants to sit her exams. The school have a duty to sort this situation out so that she can return to school as soon as possible and knowing that school will be a safe place for her. I apologise if it sounded like I was dismissive of home schooling

Have you watched the film A Girl Like Her
It is all about modern day bullying and social media issues and was imo very good. I'll show my dc when they're older. It might make your dd feel better to understand she's not alone and the bully's life is often not what it seems. Might help

Thank you for the explanation citrinelles :)

I guess we are just coming at the same situation from different perspectives.

You are saying that the school/LA have a duty to be properly safeguarding, and making it possible for the girl to get through her GCSEs in a cheerful and safe manner, and the Mum should be pushing to make that happen. I totally agree!

I'm saying that if the Mum and daughter feel they have come to the end of the road with trusting the school to look after her, then they are totally allowed to just bin the whole thing and go the home education route. There comes a moment when the game isn't worth the candle. I don't know whether they've come to that point - I'm used (of course) to meeting people who have!

If your work life is made intolerable I believe if you leave, you can sue for something called constructive dismissal.

I think all pupils pushed out of school, in this manner, should be able to sue for constructive dismissal.

I've never been one for suing, but I've spoken to parents who say their child was excluded by the class. Years later even the parents dwell on this, so how must it be for the child!

Evidence could be gathered and the ring leader punished or expelled. But instead it is 'easier' to let the bullies win.

Yes. I know we are only hearing one side. But I feel sure that ring leader bullies are reeking havoc in people's lives.

So sad.

I'd agree with that!! But also you'd have a trail of evidence a HR department - even the police - you are also free to leave or move jobs - schools are mainly catchment and you can't just move or leave without the parents getting into trouble - it's all wrong -

The school need to step up on this. It's not good enough just to say that it's nothing to do with them if it's outside of school hours. Your DD is being driven to staying out of school by fellow pupils who are bullying and intimidating her. This is absolutely the schools responsibility along with the parents concerned. If your DD stays home then they win. Girls are horrible vile things in these situations. Hope you get this resolved OP

I know that you are only hearing my side - there are factors about my dds life that I cannot reveal because they are extremely identifying however I am so aware of what she gets up to her peers think she has the strictest parents of anyone they know. I never claim my DD is an angel but in this case she is the victim and the culprits seem to be getting off Scott free because there isn't solid evidence to disprove their denial. For that to happen there would have to be a teacher accompanying my DD every second of the school day among other things

An I ask if any of this is related to race or disability? If so your stance could be stronger

MrsC4 I believe you, I truly do.

"If your DD stays home, then they win."

No.

The dd and OP must do what is right for the dd.

It is not a game.

The girls won't and can't win. They have already lost their own self respect. Maybe it will come to then one day when they remember how they behaved or when their own kids go to school and they fear they will be victims of girls like they were.

Girls are not all evil or bad.

These girls have behaved like this or some have turned away, and the adults have turned their backs and allowed it. They are all losers.

The OP's dd is the winner, because she can get on with her life and make it a good one.

No there is no race or disability elements. Although I have heard through the grapevine that these bullies have been mocking my dds personal issues which involve counselling at school (so called BF has obviously talked) but I can't prove it. I know it's true because otherwise uninvolved parties have no way of knowing these things 😔