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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fucking bullies!!

232 replies

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 16:18

Posted in WWYD but figured I would get quicker answers here because I'm so stressed out and need help.

First of all I'd like to start by saying teenage girls at my dds school take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary.
However DD has become the target of the 'queen bee' and her group (whom she was friends with) and every one of them has alienated her because of the queen bee except one girl.
After having to remove her from school on Friday due to the god awful atmosphere at school (none of it physical but still) and the girl who's stood by her also went home it turns out that her friend has now been told to distance herself from my DD. Leaving her with nobody.
I fully hold my hands up when my DD is a shit and involved in things but the other parents don't seem to think their previous offspring are in the wrong. Even a screenshot from a message stating 'well it's about fifty of us to two of you so go figure' is apparently none of the schools business because it was outside of school hours.
There is a lot more to this story but since the whole fallout started I have checked my dds social media and seen the argument unfolding and in this scenario she isn't the instigator and even blocking didn't seem to have made a difference.
We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on.
School have apparently read this girls the riot act but given that the hostile behaviour in classrooms wasn't picked up on by teaching staff, I really don't know what else to do. I feel that by sending her back would be throwing her to the lions.
An acquaintance has told me that this group have said it's my DD who they dislike and that if the other girl wasn't friends with her they'd leave her alone! I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing!

OP posts:
Mouseinahole · 07/01/2017 18:37

Just make sure that the word BULLY is said and sent to the ringleader constantly and to her parents too and repeated. Nothing more just the word.
You might however suggest that local newspapers etc like bullying stories and that a reputation as a BULLY can be attached to this girl for the rest of her time in education. You can make this happen especially if you have older dc on social media.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 18:38

FATE this is not a normal friendship fall out. I'm neither a drama queen nor a dickhead and I wouldn't be considering pulling her out if it was just a fallout

OP posts:
windypolar · 07/01/2017 18:39

If I home school her and get a tutor can the school refuse to let her sit her exams?

That's usually the LAs first port of call recommendation for home educators wanting to sit exams, ask the last school attended (if any). Perhaps you can come to some agreement with the school if you didn't want to deregister completely, given the situation. You could also ask advice from the LA and EHE (elective home education team).

Dreadful situation. I hope you can find a solution for your dd.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/01/2017 18:48

Bullying can be insidious and it takes a tough nut to deal with being ostracized. These days it goes beyond school life. Outside school it's exhausting and demoralising coping with public taunts and cyber-bullying. It may be you feel it's too late for DD just to ignore it.

There may be a core of just one or two at the heart of this but as in this instance, bystanders take sides by not stepping in. They take the side of the bully by laughing at DD, encouraging the queen bee by passing on texts or messages on social media sites.

There'll be bystanders who watch or know about the bullying but don’t do anything because they're glad not to be the target.

As far as being involved with the girls beforehand, bitching or whatever, I expect DD was swimming with the sharks, it's a survival tactic to keep the alpha girls on side. Of course that strategy was only working until the queen bee singled her out. It's a nasty backhanded compliment, the bigger the threat your DD poses as a rival, the more that they need to grind her down.

It doesn't surprise me the other parents prefer not to get involved. They know who is responsible, those same names may have done this before on a smaller scale. As long as their DC isn't the target they think, don't rock the boat. I hope they stop at avoiding involvement and not go as far as rumour-mongering and shunning in your community.

Bullying in school can only be squashed if all the staff who have power to initiate change when it's brought to their attention have a resolute zero tolerance policy. Before you burn your bridges at school I would go to the Head again in person and then contact the school governors.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 18:51

The bridges have already been burnt the head has basically said the same thing to my dds only remaining supportive friend as her parents which is downright disgusting.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 07/01/2017 19:00

So sorry your dd is going through this.

I'm also sorry for those victim blaming your DD. I can only imagine those poster have been lucky enough not to be bullied.

So am I right in thinking this group are quite vocal and bitchy over social media. It's the way they all talk and it can tip over into unacceptable at times? Recently whilst out and about a person who isn't at the school made a personal comment about your DDs appearance? Quite rightly she told them to piss off? Then asked her friend why she laughed at her? Said friend, the queen bee, didn't like being questioned and so began bullying your DD?
The school don't want to know? And are encouraging the one girl who had the morals to stand by your DD not to be her friend? This is for her sake?

If I'm right I would be a) contacting police about bullying outside of school and b) writing to governors specifically asking why a school is complicit in bullying by alienating students from your DD.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 19:02

Yeah that's the gist 😔

OP posts:
diddl · 07/01/2017 19:13

"It doesn't surprise me the other parents prefer not to get involved."

Perhaps, although if the friend who laughed would prefer to stay friends with Op's daughter, I'm surprised that her parents aren't willing to help her do that.

StrangeLookingParasite · 07/01/2017 19:14

Really? I would have ignored it as a teen

Hooray for you. Never been bullied, then, I take it?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 19:19

If you bother to read my next post:

But then I also got hit, kicked etc quite a lot so It's all relative.

2dogsonthesofa · 07/01/2017 19:33

I was badly bullied at school, its many years ago now, but it had an impact on much of my adult life. I had severe acne which left scarring, a very high pitched voice and I was clever. I got mixed up with one of these queen bee types and when I wouldn't cheat in an exam for her she made my life a misery and this was before the days of social media. Please continue to support your dd and if there is any way to get her out of the situation take it. Did it teac me resilience? No it didn't but my first marriage was to an emotionally abusive man and I can't help but see a link there. I wish your dd well.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 19:36

Wow. It's just been brought to my attention that there have been passive aggressive attempts to make sure my DD knows that she is now on her own. Fucking brilliant. Bunch of ARSEHOLES

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 19:38

2dogsonthesofa Flowers

MrsC4 the teachers by ignoring this are empowering the bullies, this makes them partly responsible, in my book.

Firetime · 07/01/2017 19:40

Mrs - I know it's tough as a parent sitting on the sidelines but all you can do is support her and get her to focus on her studies and not how many mates she has. It's cruel but girls are fucking horrible at times and then it all tends to blow over. Is she clever? is further education likely?

SparklyFuckingBusinessFairy · 07/01/2017 19:40

I don't have anything helpful or practical to say, Op, just wanted to say that it must be awful to think of your DD up against all this and to know that you can't make it better for her. Why are some people such nasty bullying little twats?

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 19:41

She will be going on to further education unfortunately it won't be at the hands of this school. Today's behaviour has shown me that the parents around here are absolute shit heads and will ignore bullying as long as it's not their child it's happening to even if their child is involved. Absolute wankers

OP posts:
EthelEgbert · 07/01/2017 19:43

Sorry it's such a closed community- can you move away? Do you like it there?

Sounds so awful for your daughter. I hope she can put it behind her asap. Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 19:45

LiviaDrusillaAugusta "Italian Actually it did and I did. But then I also got hit, kicked etc quite a lot so It's all relative."

I am very sorry to hear this. The way you expressed it sounded to me that you would have done something if something had happened, or maybe I read that into it. I apologize. I am sorry you experienced any type of bullying.

I also think, from what you have now said, that ignoring it did not result in the desired effect of things returning to normal (which could have been the case) but instead to things escalating? Or were these two separate incidents or different sets of people?

I am only asking to see if ignoring bullying behavior works. I think ignoring can work with mild bullying and where a person has support. But where a person (of any age) has been isolated then it is quite different and difficult to totally ignore, IMVHO.

Thanks I am genuinely sorry for all victims of bullying, I feel there is little to be learnt from it.

But anyone who does learn anything or takes anything positive from it, that is to their credit, and, of course, will be relevant to their situation.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 19:49

No it was pretty regular over the entire time I was at secondary school

Thank you for your apology though - I understand how it may have been interpreted like that

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 19:51

It sounds like further education is the best thing for her - colleges tend to have a different atmosphere to them imho. I think everyone is trying to find their way in a new environment and students get treated more like adults so are less likely to spend time bitching and bullying.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 19:56

FATEdestiny I think we will need to agree to disagree.

A child being told that everyone in her class is against her is not in my book normal, a normal experience of childhood or of friendships or a learning experience. Bullying includes excluding people to the extent of ostracizing them from their peers.

But I do not want to derail this by arguing with you so I will stop commenting on your comments.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 19:57

OP this may be interesting....

It's old, from 2012...

news.jrn.msu.edu/bullying/2012/03/27/a-new-bullying-social-exclusion/

It begins...

"Bullying has taken a new form on playgrounds across the county. Instead of the child being teased, pushed around or called names, they are shunned and not invited to join games and activities.

The child is being socially excluded."

and ends...

“The adults really need to listen to their children and to pick up the signals,” said Wheeler. “Children need to trust that somebody can help them. If the message can be that everyone is valued and everyone will be listened to, the situations can become better. In classrooms, teachers can create a sense of community and be very aware of grouping. Really, It all goes back to the responsibility of the adult.”

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 20:06

OP "the head has basically said the same thing to my dds only remaining supportive friend as her parents which is downright disgusting."

Sorry I missed that, do you mean the head told the other girl to not be your dd's friend? I know you will not have proof of this but please include it in any report to governors or Ofsted. She/he has care of vulnerable children and chooses to behave in this way!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Halo

bumsexatthebingo · 07/01/2017 20:07

If there are no other friends she can connect with who are completely outside the group I'd pull her out and HE her. Have some quality time together and really encourage her to get her head down without distractions and get some really good gcse's under her belt. Then if she wants to do A-levels I'd recommend an FE college which tends to be a much more mature atmosphere.
I'd also put in a formal complaint to the school about how the bullying has been handled and how their failure to manage it has left you with no choice but to remove your dd.

crickeycrumbsblimey · 07/01/2017 20:14

How awful for you and your dd. One of the hardest things about having children is when you can't protect them. In this case the school should be acting as protector and it isn't - they are failing your child and being complicit in her potentially failing her education.
Bullying now is so much worse than 15 years ago - at least you could go home and escape but with social media that isn't possible.

There is a chance this will all calm down again but you need action now - your daughter deserves an education. And as a poster said up thred use that term and do not let anyone minimise what is happening.

Personally a few ideas:

Policies. Get them all from the school: bullying and harassment, complaints procedure, absence etc. Know where you stand and these give you the channels to sort this out and will demonstrate where the school isn't behaving according to its own procedures.

Governors. They are legally responsible for what happens in the school and you might find some allies. My DB is a school chair ex officio and when he found about bullying in his school and the lack of action he really went for it and got external agencies involved.

Check the last ofsted - what does it say about behsviour etc

Contact the FE and find someone responsible for wellbeing and talk to them about whether you daughter might be able to go there. They might be able to offer some advice as well.

The LEA should have policies and procedures as well.

I hope this settles down for you and your daughter is happy somehow. Bullying is not acceptable.

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