Fucking bullies!!

[mrsC4]

Posted in WWYD but figured I would get quicker answers here because I'm so stressed out and need help.

First of all I'd like to start by saying teenage girls at my dds school take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary.
However DD has become the target of the 'queen bee' and her group (whom she was friends with) and every one of them has alienated her because of the queen bee except one girl.
After having to remove her from school on Friday due to the god awful atmosphere at school (none of it physical but still) and the girl who's stood by her also went home it turns out that her friend has now been told to distance herself from my DD. Leaving her with nobody.
I fully hold my hands up when my DD is a shit and involved in things but the other parents don't seem to think their previous offspring are in the wrong. Even a screenshot from a message stating 'well it's about fifty of us to two of you so go figure' is apparently none of the schools business because it was outside of school hours.
There is a lot more to this story but since the whole fallout started I have checked my dds social media and seen the argument unfolding and in this scenario she isn't the instigator and even blocking didn't seem to have made a difference.
We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on.
School have apparently read this girls the riot act but given that the hostile behaviour in classrooms wasn't picked up on by teaching staff, I really don't know what else to do. I feel that by sending her back would be throwing her to the lions.
An acquaintance has told me that this group have said it's my DD who they dislike and that if the other girl wasn't friends with her they'd leave her alone! I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing!

Teen girls friendships are an absolute nightmare. They do seem to take turns in the groups of excluding different girls, so it's self preservation with parents and their dd's. I think when your DD goes through the trauma of being the one to be alienated, you are sometimes just relieved when it's someone else's turn, and don't want to interfere as you don't want there to be a backlash against your own. It's an awful situation but quite often going into school to try to sort the problem just doesn't work. The only way to get rid of the problem is to try to encourage your DD to integrate into another friendship group. Unfortunately, the worst groups are the ones with the 'popular' girls in them, but are the ones everyone else wants to join. Horrible situation OP.

It's concerning that you say "We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on." It may also indicate the root of the problem, bullying always goes for the most vulnerable. You have to remember that it will not be one homogenous group, and maybe you could appeal to one or two parents. Maybe ask to see them and let them know the impact this is having, appeal to their better selves. Stay reasoned and calm ( and guarded to protect yourself) when doing so. It's about finding the chinks in the armour so to speak and you may be surprised or even further disappointed. The thing is don't give up, stay resolute you have done nothing wrong and your daughter does not deserve this, no child does, thats the bottom line, don't let them win. I also agree with everyone about the school. Take them to task on this, they have a duty of care, Get all the information you need and let them know you know what you are talking about. This is tough OP and its hard to stand alone but if you can get through it it'll be worth it for you and especially for your daughter. I wish you the very best.

I absolutely agree with all of that Livelovebehappy.

I see it in secondary schools all the time. The nuts and bolts of this teem girl friendship dynamic really haven't changed for decades.

Go back 25 years to me being a teenager and it was exactly the same, excluding one from the group for a while and it Go by around everyone's "turn". Thank God there was no internet back then.

Go back 15 years when I started teaching and the exact same thing was happening, year group after year group.

Then came the internet and chat rooms and it got harder to deal with. Now we have social media and smartphones. The main issue is the same but the bigger problem is that there is no escape from the issues. It follows the girls in school, out of school, day, night, school holidays. No break from it when you're off school. No respite when your phone is confiscated ("fear of missing out" is worse). It's relentless and highly stressful.

Also, the nature of social media means small issues become widely known about, often public knowledge. Involves people you don't know and often, via social media, parents seeing play out it too. One small mistake made when you're in a bad mood gets blown out of all proportion.

I am glad I am not a teenage girl today.

Will she still be classed as in full time education if I home school her?

Is it absolutely necessary that you make a decision immediately?

If she is school refusing you can get extra help via the SENCO.

You don't have to rush and make any rash decisions. If she's refusing to attend, while its not ideal just leave her be. See if school will send her some work home and encourage her to decide to unplug from social media (this needs to come from her, her decision, to be effective) in the mean time.

Whatever the friendship issue Is, it's being made worse by the drama. Stop the drama and it may well be completely and totally forgotten about by half term.

Yes, but I think that if she's already 16, it may not be ok for child benefit:

www.gov.uk/child-benefit-16-19

edyourself.org/articles/cbsurvey.php

She IS eligible for a funded place at an FE college though

edyourself.org/articles/14-16collegeFAQ.php#directentry

(16 year old home educated teens are eligible for child benefit, but only if they were already home educated before their birthday, as far as I can see)

I'll get fined if I don't send her to school though won't I :(

OP I apologise if I came across as harsh - the thread triggered me.

I hope you and she get some peace and happiness soon

You will not get fined if you deregister her from school. You could write a letter this weekend, deliver it Monday and that would be that.

educationotherwise.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=77&Itemid=69

Sample letter.

I think someone mentioned government guidance - there is quite a lot, and the preventing and tackling bullying download here:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/preventing-and-tackling-bullying

• Specifically says in the Q&A at the end, that the school should address bullying activity which goes on outside the school. It also mentions that the school may choose to involve the police if the issue is severe. So your DDs school seems to be choosing not to tackle it, and their justification that it's happening outside school is very much an excuse, and counter to guidance :-/.

Not sure that helps your DD much, but maybe worth reminding the staff of this, in future meetings.

MrsC4 Please remove your daughter from this school. Each day will be filled with fear, humiliation, trepidation and anxiety. She will not be learning in that kind of environment. I wish I had done this with my then 16 year old DD, as she was being horribly bullied in the same way as yours is. She stayed in school, because she didn't want to look stupid, got some good grades at GCSE, had a huge breakdown which has triggered a mental health problem and it has been awful ever since. She is now 19, and I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. However, I feel such hatred at myself that we couldn't stop her from being bullied, that my lovely daughter was abused by those that were supposed to be her friends.

Please get her out of there, you can deal with her education later. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

I'll get fined if I don't send her to school though won't I

What's her attendance like currently? We are only 1 term in, so surely she's not had that much time off?

There are several steps before a fine. For example a strongly worded letter is the first step, once attendance drops below a certain percentage. Then maybe an Education Welfare officer contact. That trigger might actually be helpful to encourage her to reintegrate.

Certainly you don't have to do anything RIGHT NOW. You'll have several weeks grace here.

It's not really ideal to let her just be off school. Much better you bolster her confidence, give her coping mechanisms, talk through solutions and tactics with the school. But if she continues to refuse, you do have breathing space. I would place money on breathing space resulting in everything being forgotten and everyone involved moving on from this.

Thedayibroke i am not going to. In the following weeks they will have to provide me with work for her - she's done all her coursework. And then I will work with the LEA about her sitting her exams. I've gone through more evidence tonight that although I cannot prove is about my DD it definitely is and these girls have made their intentions clear. Fucking arseholes. I wish their parents were bf enough to voice their opinions to her dad if I'm honest - cowardly bastards posting passive aggressive comments on their kids statuses clearly aimed at my DD!!

I think she's had maybe two days off since she started year 11

mrsC4 it's so horrendous. I still feel a rage when I see DD's bullies about, my heart thunders in my chest and my head pounds like it wants to explode. I would love to go at them like a wild animal, but instead I pretend I don't even see them. It hurts to know what your DD - and your family - are going through, as I have been there. Those bullies parents are equally repugnant, the apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree, it seems.

Totally agree with bumsexatthebingo.

crickeycrumbsblimey " In this case the school should be acting as protector and it isn't - they are failing your child and being complicit in her potentially failing her education." please do go on about the education aspect to Ofsted I have a secret fear that they are only really concerned with exam results!

MrsC4 my DD has been through this too, kids these days are bloody horrible. Her so called best friends all stood by while she was told she was NOT invited to a party (that wasn't even a party, just a big group of them all gathering at a beach), and all because a boy asked her out and she (nicely) said no.. They were all so desperate to be in the 'in' gang they all abandoned her. They call themselves the 'populars' and 'badass bitches'., they come from well-off families who think their kids are wonderful, oh how I'd love to tell some of those parents what nasty little shits they are really bringing up. And I read some of the messages to my DD so I can truly say they are nasty little shits!

TheDayIBroke

Could your DD change schools OP? I know this can sometimes be difficult to be a new girl going to a new school where friendships are already established, but if she is keen to try, then it's an idea worth thinking about. I really know how you feel. I went through this with my DD on and off throughout secondary school, and I couldn't wait for her to leave school to get away from some of the toxic 'friends' she was around. Unfortunately it is a hell of a lot worse these days with social media in the mix, and I know of two work colleagues whose dd's have started to self harm and suffer from depression due to going through very similar issues to yourself. I really don't think schools do nearly enough to stamp this sort of thing out. I'm sure if these bullies were threatened with exclusion that their parents would sit up and listen.

My DD already has counselling at school and has had quite serious issues. I won't divulge because that would be VERY identifying however even knowing all this the school have still advised her only supportive friend to stay away from her. Arseholes. And they'll pass the buck by saying they said to distance herself from the trouble. The trouble being this whole group being determined to make my dds life hell and bullying anyone who supports her 😔 life sucks ATM but she'll be okay. Her life isn't over just because she doesn't get amazing gcse results in August is it?

MrsC4 please stay strong, you've had some good advice here, you are a caring and lovely parent. Your dd needs your help here and I think you will make a wise decision.

"Her life isn't over just because she doesn't get amazing gcse results in August is it?"

If she is so unhappy at school she will not necessarily do very well, but away from this toxic environment she could do brilliantly. I really hope she will. Please do not force her back into that situation. Talk to her and see what she wishes to do.

No, her future health and happiness do not rely on her getting amazing GCSE results this august. In fact, as soon as she steps off the conveyor belt you and she will realise that there's no need to race into GCSEs this summer at all. Get her other issues stable, get her happy and secure, work out what she wants to do in the next few years, moving towards cheerful independence, and then pursue the necessary qualifications to be able to realise those ambitions.

Life is a journey, not a race. Xx