Fucking bullies!!

[mrsC4]

Posted in WWYD but figured I would get quicker answers here because I'm so stressed out and need help.

First of all I'd like to start by saying teenage girls at my dds school take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary.
However DD has become the target of the 'queen bee' and her group (whom she was friends with) and every one of them has alienated her because of the queen bee except one girl.
After having to remove her from school on Friday due to the god awful atmosphere at school (none of it physical but still) and the girl who's stood by her also went home it turns out that her friend has now been told to distance herself from my DD. Leaving her with nobody.
I fully hold my hands up when my DD is a shit and involved in things but the other parents don't seem to think their previous offspring are in the wrong. Even a screenshot from a message stating 'well it's about fifty of us to two of you so go figure' is apparently none of the schools business because it was outside of school hours.
There is a lot more to this story but since the whole fallout started I have checked my dds social media and seen the argument unfolding and in this scenario she isn't the instigator and even blocking didn't seem to have made a difference.
We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on.
School have apparently read this girls the riot act but given that the hostile behaviour in classrooms wasn't picked up on by teaching staff, I really don't know what else to do. I feel that by sending her back would be throwing her to the lions.
An acquaintance has told me that this group have said it's my DD who they dislike and that if the other girl wasn't friends with her they'd leave her alone! I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta " I would have ignored it as a teen" your use of tense suggests you did not experience it, how do you know what you would have done? Serious question.

I am quite shocked at people saying that your dd should be more resilient and ignore it all as though that is an easy thing to do when we are talking about every girl in her year being involved. Anyone who thinks that they would be able to cope in this situation without being upset, demoralised and hurt can never have faced bullying. Yes girls are bitchy and your dd has been involved in this but being excluded by such a large group of people is bullying. As for criticising her for defending herself when insulted. This is victim blaming and I am so fed up with victims being criticised instead of the perpetrators. I would get hold of the bullying policy, insist on another meeting with the head to seek assurances that your daughter's bullies will be stopped in line with the policy and not allow her to return (unless she wants to) until this is dealt with. Next step complaint to governors, LA and Ofsted. If she is able to return to school then tell her to hold her head high. With so many people involved maybe some will see through the bitterness of Queen Bee and move away.

Piglet208 brilliant post.

Italian Actually it did and I did. But then I also got hit, kicked etc quite a lot so It's all relative.

I don't expect my children not to stand up for themselves

The issue here is that an argument between two girls at school and one outside has evolved into mob mentality. I can't force my girl to go and sit somewhere she is made to feel so unhappy and taunted at every opportunity. It's quite clear they aren't taking the school seriously because it carried on the evening after school regardless of the so called riot act they'd apparently been read.

Is she due to leave in May?

How/why did she become part of the QB group though?

There's always a chance of falling foul & the whole group ostracising you.

And yes calling a pack of teens 'bitches' isn't particularly pleasant either

They refer to themselves as bitches in the messages I have witnessed it not that it matters. I'm not on here to have my story picked to bits I wouldn't be in such a desperate situation if I thought my DD had caused it I'd tell her to get her arse to school and face the mess she had made!

I'd have her out in a minute and I too am surprised by the old fashioned "will make her resilient, she has to learn to face it" nonsense. Surely this school of thought has been disproved repeatedly not least on the many threads right here on MN where posters speak of suffering years later due to bullying experienced at school.

By the way you will not be fined if you de-register her and decide to home ed. Its entirely legal to do so. As for exams you will be able to register her at examination centres yourself if that is a route you wish to follow.

Plus at 16 she is old enough to sort her own issues out.

Seriously?

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. Girls can be so bitchy, it was bad enough when I was at school and we didn't have social media to make matters worse. From the sound of things your mind is made up. I agree with a previous poster who said ask local colleges re the GCSEs. Removing yourself from a shitty situation is not running away, it is simply removing yourself from the shitty situation. Does she have other friends at the school? How would she feel about walking in with her head held high and ignoring the group of "friends"? If you feel she's strong enough to do this then let her. If not, complain to the school, ask to see their policies regarding bullying/cyber bullying and pull them up on it! It is their responsibility to sort this out, if they won't, speak to the governors and tell them the school has failed your daughter by not sticking to their own policies and say you will be taking this further with ofsted. I would kick up a stink and probably take my daughter out of school and do exams elsewhere.

It's clearly a "small town mentality" - a bit backwards - the group of long standers are othering your daughter with the tacit backing of their parents and the effectively the school who have not fulfilled their duties.

I'd pull her out and move on. The world is bigger than this idiotic bullshit.

Being bullied as a learning opportunity, wow why isn't it on the curriculum? Whose turn is it this week, lets all pick on him. Brilliant, wonder if you can do exams in it.

How long has this been going on for?
IME the group will soon get tired of bullying your DD and turn on someone else.

My experience of bullying is that it never stops entirely. It increases and decreases depending on other factors e.g. A new target, the bullies having something else to focus on but it never goes away entirely. Just one day/hour when everyone is a bit bored with nothing to focus on and the victim comes to their attention and off it goes again, for years sometimes.

Even if they move on to someone else which is sad but very likely the damage has been done now. My dds only trusted friend has been told to distance herself from her on the basis that it's good for HER education. That's not what's been said at all. She's been told by her parents that if she avoids her they'll stop picking on her. I'm far from stupid and the parents round here have this backward 'local shops for local people' kind of mentality

Italiangreyhound

I think this is not what the OP is describing.

I think it is what is described.

That is exactly why we disagree.

Bullying is not a learning experience

Normal teenage friendship fall outs is a learning experience.

OP I'm so sorry. I really empathise. We too are outsiders in tight-knit community and I had to remove DS1 and home ed because of v v widespread bullying. My regret is not having done it sooner. The look on his face when I said you don't have to go back.
And no, 16 is not too old to need help and support in that kind of situation. Otherwise there's never be an issue with workplace bullying.
Good luck, OP. Your poor girl.

Exactly as I thought, OP, if they are tight knit backwards exclusionaries then fuck 'em - you will just inflame the situation if you work constructively to challenge it. The 'othering' in this type of community can be strong.

I'd pull my child out and move forward to better things. Good luck to you.

wow why isn't it on the curriculum?

Resilience often is. And friendship issues, conflict resolutions. The negative impact social media can have on friendships. As well as bullying, cyber bullying and so on.

These problems with teenage girls usually stem from social media.

A falls out with B. B blocks A and in turn C and D block and bitch about B, in support of A. Two weeks later they are all friends again but B harbours resentment because A turned friends against her. She hitches behind her back and when C and A have a wobble, B immediately sides with C and the pair of them block A... and so it continues.

That's just four girls. Multiple it up with multiple individual dynamics happening within a large group. And it's a fricking hormonal nightmare. Drama, drama bitchiness drama.

You have my sincere sympathy, and if my 16 year-old was here right now, she'd say the same thing as she went through something similar in Y11.

Have they made any threats or made any offensive comments on social media? If so, they have broken the law and I can quote you exactly which laws.

I think it is outrageous that the school won't get involved btw

This is clear cut bullying. Ppl who doubt it or minimize it do not understand what bullying looks like among teenage girls. So OP, just ignore those posters.

I am sorry that your DD is going through this. If you can find an alternative way for DD to finish her year, I would encourage you to do so. Even if you have the pay for extra fees. This is serious. Don't let anyone tell you that you are overreacting.

It's interesting how all these moms say that they teach their dds to "stand up for themselves and their friends", but when the reality hits, they are scared shitless that their dd might be next to get picked on, so they tell dds to put heads down and go along. But they are right though... look what happened to the girl who stood by your dd :(

Sending strength to you OP. You must be so scared and upset too. But you need to stay strong. Your DD needs you to be strong for her. Hang in there!

I'm not sure how to help, but I hope your DD makes new friends. New, nicer friends. My DD, at 13, had a friend whose mum sent me a text informing DD had been "uninvited" from a party (all because the girl hosting was jealous that DD was closer to her best friend, or something petty like that). At the time, it seemed like the end of the world to her, but she as a result found a much nicer group of friends after totally cutting ties with the first lot. There will always be bitchy groups of girls. It's so sad that your DD has become the target, and I certainly feel for her. Just be there for her, and try and tell her it's for the best - these girls clearly aren't girls worthy of her friendship. Also if she's 16 won't she soon be going into sixth form/college? So hopefully she'll be able to break loose then.

Also, fight the school. These are their pupils, young girls under their care, they shouldn't be allowed to sit back and watch. Make that much clear. The best of luck. Sorry not to be much help.