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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fucking bullies!!

232 replies

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 16:18

Posted in WWYD but figured I would get quicker answers here because I'm so stressed out and need help.

First of all I'd like to start by saying teenage girls at my dds school take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary.
However DD has become the target of the 'queen bee' and her group (whom she was friends with) and every one of them has alienated her because of the queen bee except one girl.
After having to remove her from school on Friday due to the god awful atmosphere at school (none of it physical but still) and the girl who's stood by her also went home it turns out that her friend has now been told to distance herself from my DD. Leaving her with nobody.
I fully hold my hands up when my DD is a shit and involved in things but the other parents don't seem to think their previous offspring are in the wrong. Even a screenshot from a message stating 'well it's about fifty of us to two of you so go figure' is apparently none of the schools business because it was outside of school hours.
There is a lot more to this story but since the whole fallout started I have checked my dds social media and seen the argument unfolding and in this scenario she isn't the instigator and even blocking didn't seem to have made a difference.
We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on.
School have apparently read this girls the riot act but given that the hostile behaviour in classrooms wasn't picked up on by teaching staff, I really don't know what else to do. I feel that by sending her back would be throwing her to the lions.
An acquaintance has told me that this group have said it's my DD who they dislike and that if the other girl wasn't friends with her they'd leave her alone! I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing!

OP posts:
Saukko · 07/01/2017 17:32

I was bullied. It's horrible. Ostracised and all the rest of it. They said I was 'ugly'. I wasn't, but it made them feel better.

Thing is, your daughter clearly can stand up for herself and even has the guts to indulge in a bit of bullying herself. She's no wallflower weakling like I was, physically beaten by other girls and boys for being 'ugly' and 'nerdy'. She's had an argument and come off worse. We win some, we lose some.

Hold head high. Ignore. She doesn't need to care about their messages - block their numbers, unfollow on social media. She can log any incidents of catcalls in the corridors or physical intimidation/violence, but so long as she keeps out of it and doesn't be 'a little shit' (that's kind of you) she will come out of it just fine while they, if they go too far, will be punished. If she doesn't give them a reaction, they will grow bored. Especially at 16 when they've got other things to think about.

But she can't play victim or take any moral high ground if she gets involved too, provokes, replies to their comments and so on. Once it's all printed out it will look like a group of kids having a spat and not like lots ganging up on one.

She's almost done with school. She just has to ride this one out.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:32

If I put the reason the argument started it will be very identifying

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Wolfiefan · 07/01/2017 17:32

I'm sorry but I'm finding this confusing. They have an issue with her appearance? Or her bitching? Maybe they are just a bitchy crowd and she would do better away from them. Perhaps teaching some resilience would actually help? And perhaps a break from the social media drama?

FATEdestiny · 07/01/2017 17:32

Please do not talk about bullying...

I don't view normal teenage girl friendship troubles as bullying...

They aren't nice to go through. But you'll be hard pushed to find any teenager, present or historic, who hasn't experienced the isolation of falling out with your friendship group and one time or another.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:33

She hasn't replied to any comments or messages since the original argument and that was weeks ago

OP posts:
mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:34

The outside party made comments about an aspect of my dds appearance in the presence of the queen bee. Who laughed. That's when the issue started because my DD stood up for herself.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 07/01/2017 17:34

mrsC4 - she'll be better off without them.

There will be other people in the school she could befriend.

Wolfiefan · 07/01/2017 17:35

Stood up for herself? But how exactly?

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:36

Told them to piss off and asked her then friend why she would laugh at her.

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mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:37

This is the problem - it's a small rural school and they all seem to be jumping on the bandwagon. Hence her now having nobody because the one girl who wasn't jumping on it being told to distance herself. Basically the parents have said they'd rather she left my DD alone to get picked on than be friends with her!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/01/2017 17:38

Told them to piss off and you wonder why they are now excluding her?!Confused

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:39

WHAT?! Someone insults her appearance and she's supposed to say nothing?? V

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 17:40

I have the utmost sympathy for people being bullied but your DD isn't an innocent victim in all of this. She joined in with all the bitching so she can't moan that it is being turned on her.

Plus at 16 she is old enough to sort her own issues out.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:40

What was she supposed to say oh I'm sorry my face offends you I'll go and get plastic surgery??
The person who made the insult WASNT her friend. The issue with her friend was the friend laughing at her being insulted

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Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 17:41

ommmward has brilliant advice and I totally agree with ommmward.

If being at school is negatively affecting her mental health you can see the GP and explore getting her signed off sick while you decide what to do.

Could she go to an alternative school or college.

What does she want to do?

Check out www.gov.uk/government/publications/preventing-and-tackling-bullying may be of some use.

sammyjayneex so sorry about your experiences but well done for coming through it and being able to go to college etc.

FATEdestiny your comments are really odd.

mrsC4 "How can I send my child back to an environment where she's being taunted and stared at and sat alone all the time." I can see there may be benefits in riding this out and hopefully it will change etc, but personally I would not be sending my child back to such an environment. If this is making her ill can you see GP and buy yourself a few days. She sounds very stressed and anxious.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:41

I can assure you that my DD has never been involved in a large group bullying one or two people! Arguments between girls (which were always forgotten about within a day or two) are not bullying

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LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 17:41

She could ignore it - people like that don't matter

diddl · 07/01/2017 17:42

Well she's obviously better off without them, but depending on the size of the school & the influence of the "Queen Bee", there might not be many left for Op's daughter to make friends with.

deblet · 07/01/2017 17:42

No don't send her back. Go to the local college and see if you can enrol her there for her exams. If not home school her and pay privately for your exams. Sending her into that hostile situation is the mistake others have made and their children have taken their lives never ignore shitty bullies like this. Rural areas are the worst I think for the "your not local shit". Even if she can't take her exams this year she can next year. Priority is getting her somewhere out of the area and safe. Our college takes pupils from 14 so try a few of them. I am so sorry for you my son was home educated from the age of 11 so I know how hard it is. Good luck. Oh and complain to the governors and then I think its ofsted. If the governors don't take the complaint seriously they give you the next step up to contact. The authorities need to know the staff are allowing this to happen. The bitchy leader should be put in isolation imo.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:42

I'm fairly sure most teens wouldn't ignore someone who insulted their looks in front of their peers. I know I wouldn't have done that

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Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 17:43

Saukko "Thing is, your daughter clearly can stand up for herself and even has the guts to indulge in a bit of bullying herself. "

The OP did not say her daughter indulged in bullying, she said bitching.

mrsC4 · 07/01/2017 17:44

diddl that's exactly the problem. The ones who aren't directly involved don't want to put themselves in the firing line after her only supportive friend was bullied simply for being her friend

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LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/01/2017 17:46

Really? I would have ignored it as a teen

SoloD · 07/01/2017 17:47

My son was being (mildly) bullied recently so I sympathies. We spoke to his teacher and the teacher of the child involved and the took responsibility straight away, so that was all fine. If they had not I was quite prepared to go to the heard and the board of governors and kick up a total stink about it. Bullying is never acceptable and while yes it's great if children can adapt and deal with it, but not every child can sometimes with tragic consaquences.

So keep on at the staff and do not accept them ducking responsibility. But at all times act reasonably and in a calm way. Calling the bullies bitches may be accurate but will give people the wrong idea about you.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 17:50

FATEdestiny "But you'll be hard pushed to find any teenager, present or historic, who hasn't experienced the isolation of falling out with your friendship group and one time or another."

I think this is not what the OP is describing.

I think you are minimizing. And if so, this is not nice.

Wolfiefan "Told them to piss off and you wonder why they are now excluding her?" You are clearly not reading the thread properly.

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