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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help out another parent?

370 replies

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 18:38

More of a wwyd.

Dds best friends mum has just texted to ask if we could pick her dd up every week and drop her home from an activity they're both about to start doing. We technically could, we're going anyway and it would only add about 5 mins extra to do the drop off on way home. But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting but there's been a term of getting her from school and having her for tea, a term of picking up and dropping at another activity etc. I have had to ask them for a favour a handful of times over the years and every time it's 'we'd love to help but can't because of x'. It will be my dh picking up, and I know he'll just do it no problem, but it's really beginnng to piss me off. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 04/01/2017 22:56

In my world you help people out when you can, and that doesnt necessarily mean 'returning the favour' to the same person

But I would hope that you wouldn't be repeatedly asking the same person for favours when you know you couldn't ever reciprocate.

AtomHeart · 04/01/2017 22:57

Find an excuse and say "no".

gamerchick · 04/01/2017 22:58

Nope i couldn't take from someone but never return the favour.

im chuckling at the thought that it's perfectly fine to take from one but dish it out to others.

PitilessYank · 04/01/2017 22:59

Your husband will be doing the driving, so why not let him decide?

GimmeeMoore · 04/01/2017 23:03

I'd find it too intrusive having someone else kid every week.so no to that weekly commitment
If you don't feel it works for you then don't get roped into and give dh the heads up
Some folk are just born chancers

mellowfartfulness · 04/01/2017 23:08

Some people are massive piss takers. DD does an activity one evening with another girl from school. I don't drive so we walk the best part of two miles to get there and then I hang about in a small fecking cold village for an hour while she does it. It's a right PITA and I only do it because she was desperate to try the activity. But I wouldn't dream of asking the other girl's parents to transport DD there and back every week for me - why on earth should they?

Favours are either for emergencies or need to be a proper reciprocal arrangement. One person constantly skivvying for another is not on.

BackforGood · 04/01/2017 23:10

Well chipped , I currently do pick up and take home a girl who goes to a sporting activity with my dd, twice a week (1x training, 1× match), and have been doing so for 4 years. To my mind, it means a young person who wouldn't be able to do the sport otherwise, gets to do that sport. It's not her fault her parents arent able to take her, and I'm going anyway.
I can think back to when ds was in cubs, then scouts and we always took another lad to all the ca ps and activities as his parents didnt drive. I'd hate to think of a dc missing out on all those fantastic times just because i was too selfish to help someone out. I dont understand that mentality at all.
Ut yes, I've also asked other parents to walk my dc home from an afterschool activity that finished after the crossing lady left, when i was still in school - that i was never going to be a ble to return that specific favour, ive also accepted an offer from another dad to take my ds to another training session that i was never going to be able to pay him back. Thats my point - you dont know who is doing what for whom. My thinking is, that if I can help, and its not miles and miles out of way each week, then i do.

BackforGood · 04/01/2017 23:11

Not sure why that's funny gamer. It's just normal where I live

Glastonbury · 04/01/2017 23:33

The only way these arrangements work is if each parent does their share. So one should drop off and the picks up. Having been stung a few times I know how the resentment builds.

Backforgood it certainly doesn't work like that around here. Why couldn't you have done the dropping as part of a lift share instead of someone bringing your child home for two years?

Megatherium · 04/01/2017 23:42

Thing is it will be obvious we can help, because dh will be there picking dd up

Not necessarily. It could still be difficult/impossible for you to help if your DH and daughter had to go in the opposite direction to friend's house for another unbreakable appointment immediately after the activity.

booitsme · 04/01/2017 23:50

I don't blame you for responding as you have it does sound like this mum is too quick to rely on your good will. However, also look at the bigger picture. Would your daughter enjoy having her friend in the car, is this woman the type that would stop them socialising if you fall out? I'm not saying do it because of those reasons but a moment of telling her what you think could cost your daughter dearly. My sister fell out with her daughter's best friend's mum and my niece was excluded from parties and all sorts and was very hurt by it. The mother in was a horror but my sister learnt you don't have to like your children's friend's parents but it helps not to fall out with them

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 04/01/2017 23:51

mellowfartfulness. I'd happily pick her up & drop her home afterwards for you, it would take 5 minutes in the car!

OP. Interesting to see what she says. I'd do it if DD really wanted her friend to go, or actually if I just liked the kid, she can't help who her parents are or how they behave.

BackForGood. I'm like that too, it's swings & roundabouts. I regularly collect one of the 11 year olds friends from school, she either tags along with what we need to do or I'll drop her to one of her activities. I always collect her if they finish early. Her Mum goes away with work a lot & her Dad commutes to London. There's no point one of them taking a day off work when I'm there anyway & the kids enjoy it. She sometimes sleeps over in the week if they have early starts etc It's simply no bother and it makes their lives easier - why wouldn't I? but her parents ask, and are very nice people, not like the woman the OP is dealing with.

ThatWasThat · 04/01/2017 23:53

I'm happy to take other kids if I happen to be going somewhere anyway. But in this case, its about the careless assumption of another parent that you'll fit in with her plans. She needs to discuss first

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2017 23:57

"But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting" Well, yes you have, rather!

Megatherium · 05/01/2017 00:00

Not necessarily, Bertrand. If you've done it twice a week, or three times a week during school terms, it's not hard to do the maths.

melj1213 · 05/01/2017 00:04

OP I do think that the friend's mum is a taker and will continue to do so until someone says no ...

If she comes back to your text and agrees to alternate then give her the benefit of the doubt but it doesn't mean that you can't change your agreement if she starts skipping weeks or "forgetting". If that happens then that would be when I would be messaging to say "Sorry User, we agreed to do pickup/drop off based on us doing it alternating weeks but that isn't happening. Since this clearly isn't an arrangement that is working, and we do not want to commit to doing every drop off/pick up every week we are going to have to stop doing it and you'll have to make other arrangements as of next week/after half term/whenever"

avamiah · 05/01/2017 00:06

Glastonbury,
I'm In London ,where are you??
My 7 year old does judo, swimming club, gymnastics, tap/jazz/singing, extra maths/English and Arabic language after school.
My daughter often goes to these clubs with her friends and gets brought back home by their parents or nanny and I often have my daughters friends at my home and take them out to various places i.e,ice skating, cinema, swimming, theatre, restaurants.

Brokenbiscuit · 05/01/2017 00:16

Backforgood, I completely agree. I help other parents when I can, not because of any expectation of reciprocity but simply because I get that it isn't always easy to juggle everything and it makes sense to help each other out. So I regularly pick up another dc from an activity twice a week because I'm going to pick up my dd anyway and it would be difficult for her mum to do it due to younger siblings and a travelling dh. I also had a friend's dd for an hour before school every morning for a couple of years, and have done childcare favours for other friends whenever I have been able to help out. I undoubtedly end up doing more for others than they do in return, not least because I have a fabulous mum who is always happy to help if I am stuck. Does that make me a mug because it isn't reciprocal? I don't think so.

FWIW, I do like to know that there would be plenty of good will if I ever did need to call in any favours, but above all, I'm just happy to be able too help. That's what community is all about in my view.

Still, I don't think the OP should feel pressured to help if she doesn't want to.

dowhatnow · 05/01/2017 00:17

But it's give and take. You don't mind if people are really appreciative and you offer, in this case there is an expectation.

Before she signed her up she should have had a discussion at least along the lines of

"X would like to do y with your dd, I'm struggling with doing that and dropping ds off, would you mind bringing her back.... Don't worry if you can't." And an acknowledgement that they know it's all been one sided and that they are appreciative. Also an offer to do what they can.

Just assuming you will do it is not on.

Brokenbiscuit · 05/01/2017 00:20

Yes, I agree that assuming someone else will do it isn't right.

Wdigin2this · 05/01/2017 00:24

Yeah, I'd go down the line of....well that's a good idea, we can share, and take both kids on alternate weeks! If she says, no she can't do that, tell her....oh, that's a shame, but I'll be looking for someone to share with, then walk away!

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2017 00:26

And just exactly is/was she planning to do if your DD is ill or is not attending the activity for another reason? Or if DH or you have something to do before or after that means you won't be traveling in the direction of this friend's home?

It's not just the 'not returning favours', it's the fact that if you agree to be the sole method of transportation for someone else's child it makes you responsible for seeing that they get to and fro. If you alternate it gives you a bit more flexibility.

Pallisers · 05/01/2017 00:27

In my world you help people out when you can, and that doesnt necessarily mean 'returning the favour' to the same person

Sure -- but if the same person needs a favour over and over and over and never returns one, doesn't it make you think you are being taken for a mug?

I have had loads of loose and sometimes more formal arrangements with people (well mostly women) over the years about us helping out with our kids and pick ups. Still do. What characterises all of my arrangements is that everyone wants to contribute as much as possible and not be the one who does nothing.

I love being the one who does the most of the lifts (irish catholic guilt possibly) but I'll tell you honestly the year I gave a lift to a child where we had to leave earlier (my kids were in a lower school level which started later) and neither the child nor the parents ever said thanks (they had asked me, without knowing me, to help out based on where we lived - I said yes of course) and I didn't get even an xmas card from this family for whom I had left home 15 minutes earlier every day ... well honestly I don't count tit for tat but I wouldn't do anything for them ever again.

IMissGrannyW · 05/01/2017 00:27

OMG, I hadn't realized how lucky I am.... I do lots of lifts for other people's DC because I only have one child and most of her friends have families of 3+, so it's easier for me to do the runs to and from places. I do resent and hate it, but I DO do sharsies with the other parents, and they've NEVER let me down when I need help (eg, when my dad was ill and dying, they were the ones who made sure life was as normal as poss for my DD).

Horrible to feel taken advantage of though.

How does your child feel about the other child attending, OP? Does it mean a lot?

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 05/01/2017 00:46

If you don't want to, don't. You're not obligated and it wouldn't make you a bad person to say no. She'll just have to make other arrangements. Not entirely the end of the world.