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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help out another parent?

370 replies

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 18:38

More of a wwyd.

Dds best friends mum has just texted to ask if we could pick her dd up every week and drop her home from an activity they're both about to start doing. We technically could, we're going anyway and it would only add about 5 mins extra to do the drop off on way home. But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting but there's been a term of getting her from school and having her for tea, a term of picking up and dropping at another activity etc. I have had to ask them for a favour a handful of times over the years and every time it's 'we'd love to help but can't because of x'. It will be my dh picking up, and I know he'll just do it no problem, but it's really beginnng to piss me off. Wwyd?

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 04/01/2017 21:33

It will be harder to get out off.Better off saying no,straight away.You know she won't do her fair share.

Original poster
arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 21:57

She can't do pick ups because her son has an activity that starts at the same time. It's interesting that she signed them both up to these activities knowing the times, and just assuming someone (us) will help out.

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 04/01/2017 22:00

So she was totally assuming that good old reliable arethere will just do this for her. What a piss take. Tell her thats unfortunate then as you can't help. Tough shit if your DH is there every week picking up your child. If she had bothered to do a favour for you once in a while, you could have helped.

A well known response from Phoebe in Friends would be suitable here "oh I wish I could help but I don't want to" Grin please please please send it!

LexieLulu · 04/01/2017 22:10

How rude! I'd respond saying sorry I won't be able to guarantee that we can pick your child up every week so you're probably best finding more reliable pick ups.

Make up some rubbish about PIL will be picking child up some weeks etc if you have to.

Don't let her use you!

rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 22:11

She's a cheeky fecker!

Please say no.

2rebecca · 04/01/2017 22:14

If she can't do the pick ups and drop offs then she looks for another activity she can do. When my kids were too young to get themselves home from stuff I only looked at activities their dad or I or a childminder could do. Relying on other parents as more than emergency back up is just taking the piss.
It isn't your problem, don't make it your problem, especially as she doesn't sound the type to make your problem her problem.

TyneTeas · 04/01/2017 22:22

Has she exhausted the goodwill and favours of parents' at her son's activity as well or else she could try to alternate each with a bit of planning

Original poster
arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 22:24

Lol, Harry Potter! That response is brilliant, and so perfectly true. I wish I had the balls.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 22:24

What are you going to reply?

YelloDraw · 04/01/2017 22:26

Cheeky fucker!

Reply in the same way she replies to you.

"Sorry I'd love to help but don't want to commit. Hope you find someone Hun "

Or you could call her out on it "To be honest, it feels our relationship is a bit one sided with the direction of help/favours at the moment so I'm gong to say no to this as I don't want to end up feeling like I'm being taken advantage of"

ClopySow · 04/01/2017 22:31

Wgat yello said. Be completely straivht with her.

ClopySow · 04/01/2017 22:32

*Straight

ClopySow · 04/01/2017 22:32

*what

Designjunkie · 04/01/2017 22:38

I'd reply "Why did you sign them up at the same time ? Might be best to cancel one. Xx"

Her reply just confirmed that she is a user. Signing your kids up for different activities knowing full well she can't get them to both herself is beyond cheeky. You need to decide if you can handle being ignored by her at the school gates. If you can then tell her you can't commit. Whatever excuse or truth you use will result in the loss of this faux friendship, but if you can't cope with the ill feeling this is going to bring for the next x amount of years, I'd say just do it.

Original poster
arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 22:39

Roll on - I responded already with 'lets alternate' and am waiting for a response.

Yello - I love that. I will use exactly that if I need to. So often in these situations the person who is being taken advantage of, somehow ends up also being the person who apologises if they can't do it. Your words politely put the blame where it should be.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 22:41

Oh sorry-I misunderstood. I thought you meant she'd replied to your suggestion of alternating saying that she couldn't do that because her son is doing a different activity.

Quintessing · 04/01/2017 22:41

Sooo... she cant pick up, but can she drop off?

How is her dd getting to the activity then?

Only1scoop · 04/01/2017 22:47

Bit late now but I'd have just text 'oh no I was going to ask you the exact same thing' ....'maybe we can alternate but can't do every week'

expatinscotland · 04/01/2017 22:49

She will weasel out of any alternating. You're going to have to find a backbone and stop being a mug.

BackforGood · 04/01/2017 22:51

I would be perfectly happy to bring anotheer dc from an activity I was collecting my dd from, if dc's friend's parents werent able to - and id count the fact they were collecting another child fro somewhere as a alid reason to not be able to.
In my world you help people out when you can, and that doesnt necessarily mean 'returning the favour' to the same person.

One example i can think of is another parent bringing my eldest back from cubs for me, every night for about 2 yeats as dh was out (volunteering elsewhere) and i wanted to get the 2 younger ones tucked up in bed. I was never able to help that person out, but fast forward 5 years and i did exactly the same for another parent when my youngest was at cubs.
Same with lots of activities over the years - people have enabled my dc to do something ive not been able to get them to, and, on different occasons, ive been able to help other families at times when I've been in a position to help. Its what makes the world go rou d, in my book.

greathat · 04/01/2017 22:53

That wasn't meant to go there

Brighteyes27 · 04/01/2017 22:53

It's a tricky one tempted to tell her where to go at first.
Having offered and been made a mug of by people taking the pee. They soon move on to find another mug when you say no.
We offered my DS's friend mum the opportunity for her DS to do a sport session every Fri about year ago when it was 7pm to 8pm. Saying DH happy to drop off wait and take them both home most weeks as it was a sport he enjoyed. Occasionally expected them to offer as two of them but they never did. Then DH job changed so his drive home was 90 mins and sessions extended to 7-8.30. I asked if they could do one way or both ways one week in 3 or something but other boy aged about 10/11 at time said my mam likes to open the wine and her PJ's in on a Fri night and my dad can't be arsed to take me.
Anyway DD wanted to join GFS and it clashed with DS's drop off pick up times we share lifts with other parents for this so we are both out picking up but every so often we have a night off ask them to do the runs and we open the wine or the boys don't go that week.

WankersHacksandThieves · 04/01/2017 22:54

I agree that she is taking the piss. I wouldn't sign my child up for an activity knowing that I couldn't transport them myself. And I say this as a parent who was out every night doing transport as my boys did a lot of activities. I only ever got into shares where it was equal and we took turns or one did drop offs and the other pick ups, these were carefully chosen friends though that could be relied on to do their share.

The different scenario where it might be acceptable is where your child desperately wants their friend to go to the activity but the parent can't sign them up because they can't get them there and back and you then offer to transport as a way of both children being happy. That's not the parent imposing on you though, that's you offering.

ClopySow · 04/01/2017 22:55

You're right back but i imagine you'd always have helped out if you could. Some people never do.