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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help out another parent?

370 replies

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 18:38

More of a wwyd.

Dds best friends mum has just texted to ask if we could pick her dd up every week and drop her home from an activity they're both about to start doing. We technically could, we're going anyway and it would only add about 5 mins extra to do the drop off on way home. But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting but there's been a term of getting her from school and having her for tea, a term of picking up and dropping at another activity etc. I have had to ask them for a favour a handful of times over the years and every time it's 'we'd love to help but can't because of x'. It will be my dh picking up, and I know he'll just do it no problem, but it's really beginnng to piss me off. Wwyd?

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 05/01/2017 00:48

Haven't rtft but have read op's posts. I'm waiting for her to say that she can't take it in turns with you, and then say that her DC can't go if you can't do the lift, and guilt you into saying yes. Don't do it.
You don't do favours to get them in return however when you're clearly being taken the piss out of then you need to stick up for yourself and say when enough's enough.

LockedOutOfMN · 05/01/2017 01:01

I'd say no unless there is a regular, i.e. weekly, thing that they can help you with from now on so that it's reciprocal. If they start wimping out and making excuses, make your own excuses and stop taking home their child. To be honest, the child will probably be embarrassed to see her parents begging so many favours from others without returning them.

PenelopeFlintstone · 05/01/2017 01:57

I wouldn't say no just for the sake of it. I wouldn't want to jeopardise my daughter's friendship over something that wasn't really any skin off my nose.

rollonthesummer · 05/01/2017 07:25

Has your daughter been hassling hers to join this club? That's the only situation in which I might feel bad!

I still wouldn't do it though.

ThisThingCalledLife · 05/01/2017 08:37

Actually, considering she couldn't find even 1 minute to reply back to you, i would take this as a sign of things to come....calls going to voicemail, ignoring texts and leaving you waiting on her.

Save yourself the inevitable and pull out of it now.

Original poster
arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2017 09:23

With regard to how it would affect dds friendship, that's something that's already really odd - dd and her dd are best friends, according to my dd and according to whenever I happen to see them all playing (I help out at school a bit so see them). But, she's never been invited there on a play date. Others in the class have. When they were around 4 or 5, I thought it was me and just that she didn't like me. But they're 8 now so dd would be going alone. So, I just don't get it.

A really good point made upthread about her not responding to my text. I know she's seen it. This is a repeat pattern - ignore any questions that she doesn't want to answer.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 05/01/2017 09:35

She's a user.
If your not even on the list for a playdate but you're the first port of call for constant favours, she's using you.

Treat people how you want them to treat you.
All the people on this thread happy to selflessly drive other people's DCs around for years on end, good for you, but personally I haven't got enough hours in the day to chauffeur my own around let alone someone elses.

HanShootsFirst · 05/01/2017 09:39

Definitely taking the piss.

OP, what does your DD think about never being invited over to friend's house for a playdate? Seems weird to me.

JerryFerry · 05/01/2017 09:43

Sounds like you and your daughter very good to this child and her mother, but maybe it's time to "encourage" your daughter to make better friends ie ones that who invite her to play on occasion. Sounds as though this woman is taking advantage horribly, I'd be irritated too. If you struggle to say no on your own behalf, do it for your child. Show her how to expect more from friendships.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 05/01/2017 09:47

Text back ' actually I don't want to commit in case we have other stuff on'

You need to make a stand at some point op

JorahsMissus · 05/01/2017 10:01

Funny how people are quick to txt when they want something but not when you are asking them a question. That drives me mad.

elodie2000 · 05/01/2017 10:01

If she's seen your text and not responded, there is no arrangement so just do your own thing.

Lunde · 05/01/2017 10:19

I think it's a bit cheeky to sign your child up for a load of activities if you are unable/unwilling to drop and collect yourself. If you needed transport goodwill from other families surely you would check it was OK before signing them up?

swampytiggaa · 05/01/2017 11:11

My daughter got a place at guides. Time clashed with my volunteering stint at beavers. I asked a mom I knew thru beavers if she would do the drop offs and that I would do the pick ups.

So although I arranged something for a time I couldn't get her there I made sure I was fair with the splits plus I was volunteering elsewhere.

This woman sounds like a cheeky mare. I like to help people but she is taking the pissed.

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/01/2017 11:28

I think that's different too swampy - even apart from the mutual arrangement, you were waiting on being allocated a space, it's not like you thought that you'd just sign up your child knowing that you had no arrangements in place.

I have no issue with doing sharing arrangements, I also have no issue with helping people out on an ad hoc basis or even more regularly when it's no skin of my nose and I can see another parent struggling and I've offered to help.

I do however have an issue with someone signing up their child on the assumption that I'll just pick them up every week for them which is the OPs scenario.

Yes, it's nice to be nice but that does go both ways.

rollonthesummer · 05/01/2017 11:28

You will get a last minute request, I think-she'll just assume you can do it.

Unless you say no now.

Daytona79 · 05/01/2017 11:35

I would say you can't as your husband is doing it and has decided after he will take her for tea afterwards to give you a night off

LucyLocketLostHerPocket · 05/01/2017 11:37

Just text her and say you've had a think about it but it just doesn't work for you as you might not always be returning home immediately and you'd prefer not to commit just in case.

The girls will still be friends in school and it doesn't change anything else does it. Don't be a mug (years of experience talking here!).

BertrandRussell · 05/01/2017 11:40

Does it put you out in any way?
No? Then do it.
Yes? Then don't.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/01/2017 11:45

I love these threads!

Don't do it OP because you'll end up doing all drop-offs and pick-ups without any thanks. I really can't believe the selfish audacity of some people!

The fact she hasn't replied to your text speaks volumes!

mimishimmi · 05/01/2017 11:46

YANBU, you have asked for their help in the past and they've not kept in mind all the favours you have done for them but instead come up with excuses. I think it's high time for you to give them a perfectly valid excuse, you don't want to, and tell them why (see above) whilst you're at it. They'll move onto someone else or possibly mend their ways after being told off.

BertrandRussell · 05/01/2017 11:47

But why does it matter? Kid needs a lift. It doesn't put you out to give one, Not kid's fault its parents are arses.

Magzmarsh · 05/01/2017 11:59

I could have written your posts word for word op. DD is 19 now but back in nursery days she met her "best" friend. After years and years of taking them here, there and everywhere with zero thanks, even worse they used to take the hump and bad mouth us to mutual friends if we ever had the audacity to say no. It was hard admitting to myself I had been taken for a mug and the friendship didn't survive me or dd growing a spine, they just latched on to someone else. From experience these people don't change, your dds will remain friends if they want to, not because you're running around facilitating. You sound like a very decent person and unfortunately they get taken advantage of sometimes.

paxillin · 05/01/2017 12:01

I'd probably do it, but I would say your dd's friend will then have to tag along to whatever happens after. Go to IKEA or the GP afterwards so you don't have to change plans or do detours.

minipie · 05/01/2017 12:05

I don't agree with "it doesn't put you out".

What about the extra time and distance needed to drop off the other DC
What about the times when you want to go somewhere else straight afterwards
What about the times when your own DD is not going and you're still expected to do the pick up
What about if the DC fall out and your DD doesn't want to share the car ride with the other DD
What about the times when you have other passengers for some reason and there is no space in the car
What about car seats (depending on how old the DC are)

It does put you out. That doesn't necessarily mean saying no, you have to weigh up everything of course, but it's just not true to say "it doesn't put you out".

I think she's being incredibly cheeky and should have (a) asked you before she signed up and (b) offered you something in return or at the very least promised to return the favour in future!

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