AIBU to not help out another parent?

[arethereanyleftatall]

More of a wwyd.

Dds best friends mum has just texted to ask if we could pick her dd up every week and drop her home from an activity they're both about to start doing. We technically could, we're going anyway and it would only add about 5 mins extra to do the drop off on way home. But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting but there's been a term of getting her from school and having her for tea, a term of picking up and dropping at another activity etc. I have had to ask them for a favour a handful of times over the years and every time it's 'we'd love to help but can't because of x'. It will be my dh picking up, and I know he'll just do it no problem, but it's really beginnng to piss me off. Wwyd?

Million to one's response I'd do...

They are piss- takers.... I've had similar myself... (Can you just do? massive favour taking several hours time and financial cost, which as a gullible idiot I've done..over several months, I've asked small favour of the same people, taking five minutes and no real extra effort... A hundred excuses were given... ).

These users habitually are used to never putting themselves out, twinned with being very good at getting others to do favours for them

Just say, why don't we do alternate weeks? No problem.

I'd reply thank that would be great, it will save us having to do all the collections! When she replays back just make it clear you've fine your bit and would like the favour returned.

Say ok, you do this week, and I LL do next, we can take turns, it's only fair! See what she says, bet she back tracks.

I would say, so we do alternate weeks?

Just say no.

Have you texted?

Just say no .You know they wont do alternate weeks so why put yourself in that situation.

Its not your problem,if they can get her there they can collect.

One of the mother's at my DCs' school is like this but she always starts with a 'could you just sweep X up and drop him off as you're going past the door?', say 'yes' and then it's every week and then more and more. From observing this I've learned to only ever say yes to anyone with caveats; 'no problem at all next Tuesday (shows willing) but I can't do the following one and quite a few after that, I'll let you know as and when I can'. They either respond with an offer to share or it's too unreliable for them but either way I'm in control of when/if I say yes without having to say 'no' outright. Any response mentioned by PP that immediately return the demand to her are good e.g. kazplus2 and itshappened

Too many pisstakers at the school gates I'm afraid!

I think given the other mum's 'take, take, take' attitude you'd have to be a masochist to suggest alternate weeks or sharing it in some way.

Unless it would be impossible for her to duck it, you will have weekly sagas of how she can't do it this week, could you? And then never making up the shortfall. It will drive you mad.

Reciprocal arrangements only ever work with people who are fair-minded. She clearly isn't.

It would be a big, fat no from me. And if she wanted to know why I would absolutely tell her (in a factual fashion) and have done in real life on occasion. 'We have helped you out on xxxx occasions and feel the balance of favours has been lost a bit so this time we are just going to take our DD.'

If she gets the hump, is that not sort of good? Why should you conceal your irritation from her?

Who knows - the discomfort she feels might prompt her to reciprocate a bit more. Unlikely, tbh, but you never know...

I think you need to make it clear to the parents that you're not up for doing any more favours.

Need more detail really. I did this same picking up and dropping off thing for my friend's dd all through secondary school. We didn't take turns because I live 5 miles away from the venue and my friend only about a mile away, but I only had to make a 5 minute detour to pick up. If my friend had taken turns, she would have had about 10 miles to do, each turn, to bring my dd 5 miles back to me, and then 4 miles back home for her. That seemed very silly.
She also only did a dozen or so favours for me throughout, but they were very important favours that helped me out hugely in the occasional emergency situation.
If it's actually not all that inconvenient, I'd do it. You never know when you might need to call on a friend to do something out of the ordinary to help you out. It's good to have plenty of favours to call in when you're in a tight spot.

Just re-read your OP, and it seems that they are not always forthcoming with return favours. Trust me, if it's urgent enough, they will.
I'd still probably do it anyway if it didn't put me out too much.

Totally agree with oven, tell her the truth, if she gets the hump, so be it! She only wNted to use you!

Ugh I am likely to be dragged into something like this!

In fact, I have just agreed to walk a child to third parents house whose parent cannot make pick up. Which is fine as I am at the school anyway, except 1) I am having to walk PAST my house to the other parent and 2) there is sod all reason for the third parent who is looking after her for the afternoon not to do the school run?

Only do it if it's fair, so if she drops off, you'll pick up. I'd be wary of every other week with someone like this, think they'd be too likely to "forget" or "swap"

So wishing I'd had access to MN when my DDs were this age. I WAS that martyr parent who got sucked into these kind of arrangements, then moaned & exploded... Fact you're on here asking, suggests you don't fall into to the 'whatever, not a problem, camp', so completely agree with posters saying set ground rules.
Absolutely go back along lines of 'Sorry, can't help this time, not sure of our own arrangements yet - hope you get something sorted'. Add lots of xxxxs. Job done.

I was that parent too jaguar

I would still help out, but i'd give people a three strikes thing now.

Do not offer to share,she'll agree,maybe even do it once to lull you into a false sense of security and then come up with excuses and dropping out at the last moment. Since your oh will have to go then,she'll expect him to bring her dd as well..
Been there done that.

I'd just say it doesn't work for you. No need to hatch any get out clauses or sharing or whatever else. A simple "it doesn't suit us" will suffice.

Sorry I was putting the dc to bed. Back now.
Ive texted her saying it's a bit of a pita for dh to pick up cos of work, so could we alternate getting both girls. She hasn't responded yet. If she says she can't I will ask her to do drop offs instead. (I know she can't do all because of her other dc, but whatever happens I will be making sure this isn't totally one way).
Yes, she is the kind of person who never does anything for anyone else, never helps out at any school stuff for example. Never says thank you.
Thank you everyone for your responses, I know it wasn't unanimous, but I think the majority were ianbu.

I'd say "sorry we won't be coming straight home every time do I won't be able to this time"

I do this. I take my DD's friend to an activity that they both (and my son) go to, and bring them all back again. It really isn't putting me out because I go passed their house. But then I offered rather than was asked. I can see how resentment could build if they are happy to ask for favours but not return them when asked.

Your response sounds very reasonable.

Why does she never do any pick ups? Does she give a reason!

I wouldn't even get into an alternating scenario with her. It will end up being "oh can you do it this week, I have x, can you do this next week, I have y" You'll end up doing it anyway. Text her, on seconds thoughts, we don't want to be tied into any commitments so we will make our own way there and back and can't offer lifts. She's taking the piss by asking you because she knows you are a soft touch.