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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help out another parent?

370 replies

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 18:38

More of a wwyd.

Dds best friends mum has just texted to ask if we could pick her dd up every week and drop her home from an activity they're both about to start doing. We technically could, we're going anyway and it would only add about 5 mins extra to do the drop off on way home. But....over the years this will we well over 100 favours we have done for them. I haven't particularly been counting but there's been a term of getting her from school and having her for tea, a term of picking up and dropping at another activity etc. I have had to ask them for a favour a handful of times over the years and every time it's 'we'd love to help but can't because of x'. It will be my dh picking up, and I know he'll just do it no problem, but it's really beginnng to piss me off. Wwyd?

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 18:58

I bloody wouldn't do it-what a cheek!

Original poster
arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2017 18:58

Paul - with many other parents we swap favours all the time, no one is counting, but this relationship is all tit and no tat.

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 04/01/2017 18:58

Turn it on her and see what she says. Be polite, "but how about on this occasion you bring my DD back?"

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 04/01/2017 18:59

God I remember all this shit

expatinscotland · 04/01/2017 19:00

What Hissy said.

notapizzaeater · 04/01/2017 19:01

Why does she want you to do it ? Is it her job ? I think the sharing is a much better option

mumofthemonsters808 · 04/01/2017 19:01

If you feel you are being taken advantage of, you need to start saying No and feel comfortable in doing so. This Mother obviously feels ok with turning your requests down, it's nice to help someone out but it sounds like she is taking the piss out of you.Start the new term as you mean to go on, you're not an unpaid childminder.

mikeyssister · 04/01/2017 19:02

You may have something to do after the activity which means you're not coming straight home Grin

cherrycrumblecustard · 04/01/2017 19:03

I don't think go down the route of 'I have to go to XYZ'. Then coming up with an excuse is embarrassing. And, you shouldn't have to.

gamerchick · 04/01/2017 19:04

Text her back and say 'actually I was going to ask you to do the pick up and drop offs for this term.....' and leave it hanging.

EZA15 · 04/01/2017 19:07

Did you text her op?

MillionToOneChances · 04/01/2017 19:09

They keep having not just occasional favours but a term's worth at a time. And they decline when you ask for help. Erm, no. "We'd be happy to take both of them in one direction each week if you do the other. You can choose whether drop-offs or pick-ups are easier for you". Or just plain no.

frenchfancy · 04/01/2017 19:10

If it is DDs best friend, and DD was doing the activity because she can do it with her friend, and the friend wouldn't be able to do it unless you do the pick ups then I would do it.

But I wouldn't be doing it for the parents I would be doing it for my DD.

PlumsGalore · 04/01/2017 19:10

I would just reply "no problem, so you take them to the activity and DH will collect, sounds like a plan" and watch her backtrack...

MuttsNutts · 04/01/2017 19:10

So what if it will be obvious that you could do it if you wanted?

I used to get taken advantage of by people who didn't seem to care that it was obvious they were taking the piss. Nowadays I have no problem saying no if I don't fancy doing something,

Try it. It's liberating Smile

hotdiggedy · 04/01/2017 19:11

whats the reason she cant take her daughter?

has she never helped you with anything?

Noregretsatall · 04/01/2017 19:13

The problem arises, of course, when your DD, for whatever reason (illness or a family event) doesn't go one week and you're still expected to collect the other girl. I've been there...so many times. It becomes a PITA in the end and, in my experience, no one ever says thank you, all taken for granted as everyone is always busy with their own lives. Don't do it.

MuttsNutts · 04/01/2017 19:13

And, speaking from experience, I wouldn't even offer to share lifts because people like that always have 'something come up' which means they don't pull their weight with any such arrangement.

Bollocks to that.

whattheseithakasmean · 04/01/2017 19:15

I would text back 'Happy to share the load - turn about? If you could do first week that would be great'' with a nice wee pass agg smiley face.

kittymamma · 04/01/2017 19:18

Say no... I say this as someone who has been in your situation fairly recently. MN advised me in August to drop the using b. It took me to December to actually realise that these people only get worse until you say no. Now I say no, I'm suddenly "very busy".

SeaCabbage · 04/01/2017 19:19

I think you should send the "alternate weeks, share pick ups etc" text.

You aren't being churlish because you are having to go out of your way on the way there and on the way back which is a pain.

You could say, ok if you can get your dd here (your house) for x time and pick her up from here at y time. But that's a pain too.

Christmassnake · 04/01/2017 19:19

My friend..I use the term loosely...had me collecting her child once a week from school and dropping off somewhere else on my way home ,but out of my way...I did this for months without question because she was a friend....untill she let slip her husband had that day off work and didn't want to be bothered leaving the house to collect child and drop child off elsewhere....

PUGaLUGS · 04/01/2017 19:20

Don't do it OP.

For two years DS2 went to cadets twice a week. I used to take and DH would pick up.

Out of the blue I got a phone call from another mother (this mother btw said her DS a couple of years earlier said couldn't do a sleepover at ours because she didn't know us well enough) although we live in the same village, stood at the same nursery/primary school door together for years. She said that her DS had joined cadets and the only way he could go was if we could bring him home as she couldn't take her youngest out at 9.15pm as it was too late - he was 10. She however would be happy to do the drop offs to cadets.

She dropped off once Hmm. The other times left me hanging about wondering where she was. One time her DS had gone to a friends from school and could walk to cadets, the next time she was away on holiday and the boy was at his dads, next time he was somewhere else, but she still expected him to be taken home.

After two weeks of this, I texted her and said it wasn't working for us. Oh boy did she keep sending me bloody texts saying it would get better and she would take her turn. I ended up blocking her in the end.

NapQueen · 04/01/2017 19:20

What a cheek

MrsMattBomer · 04/01/2017 19:24

Just say about sharing.

I do think it could harm any friendship between the kids if you just said "No, can't help, sorry." so bluntly. I know you don't have to have a reason but it probably is a bit dickish to not try to help in some way.

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