Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To allow ds aged 10 and dd aged 7 share a bed.

319 replies

EveOnline2016 · 03/01/2017 16:44

They have both got their own rooms but prefer to share a bed every night.

Ds has a double bed and there is enough room for both of them.

My mum says it's illegal, but surely that's not right.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 04/01/2017 00:40

I think a poster up thread nailed it when they said that one of the pair may become uncomfortable with it without being able to articulate why or feeling they could put an end to it. I would prefer not to start it in the first place, than to have one child upset the other by saying 'no more bed sharing' or even worse, feeling unable to say it and tolerating it. Eventually, one of them will want to stop.

angeldelightedme · 04/01/2017 00:59

Sexual curiosity before puberty and ' you show me yours' type games are not at all uncommon. Lots of naivety on this thread from pearl clutchers who are in denial of that children have sex ual feelings too.

RebelRogue · 04/01/2017 01:08

My grandfather sexually assaulted me,my cousin sexually assaulted me,my class mates sexually assaulted me,my maths tutor sexually assaulted me. Should i lock DD up in a tower,homeschool her and never ever leave her in the presence of someone with a penis?

MommaGee · 04/01/2017 01:15

Rebel Flowers and a hug xx

kittytom · 04/01/2017 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justanotherusername0 · 04/01/2017 04:52

I think it's innocent and fine but to me it depends if it's every night ... Are both kids able to sleep alone if they need to? Simply because one of them , probably DS isn't going to want to share anymore and then I'd worry that there would be sleeping issues for DD. If she will happily go to her own bed when her brother says no (or indeed vice versa) then it's fine.
If it hasn't happened naturally when they meet puberty then I think you would have to say no because your son might not fully understand the whole wet dream issue and as others have said that's going to be an explanation you don't want him to have to give!
I'd end it gently to be honest . Gradually reduce it but let them have sleepovers etc , maybe at weekends or something but I think it might be problems waiting to happen .

steff13 · 04/01/2017 05:34

My son also started having erections at 10.

Baby boys have erections while they're still in the womb. He certainly had them before age 10.

IAmNotAWitch · 04/01/2017 05:57

bebanjo you have stated that law very confidently. Citation?

Cakingbad · 04/01/2017 06:05

I would not allow this. 10 is often the age when sexual feelings develop. You are playing with fire.

rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 06:12

the law states that opposite sex siblings must have there own room after they turn 10

This is totally untrue.

DailyMaui · 04/01/2017 06:41

I have a 13 year old DS and 11 year old DD. Both have their own rooms but my son sleeps on the bottom bunk in his sister's room. She wants him to sleep there as she gets nervous and he doesn't mind. I've never thought they could be getting up to anything sexual. Who thinks that? When we camp they like their camp beds side by side. Probably for some hope of warmth! When they stay with their gran they have to share a room - she only has two bedrooms. We are a very snugly family though and sometimes if either of them are really poorly they still want to sleep with me. I like that - I can't imagine it will continue much longer so I'm happy to sleep with them for as long as I can.

And Bebanjo, who says it is illegal? It really isn't.

sashh · 04/01/2017 06:43

I agree that it is the age, and I was thinking wet dreams too.

Why not compromise and let them share as a treat, say they are grumpy in the morning when they share, then have a word with ds about his body changing and what might happen.

Nataleejah · 04/01/2017 06:50

If its an occasional one-off, like a holiday or making room for an overnight guest, then fine. But everynight -- not really

gamerwidow · 04/01/2017 06:53

With regards to council rules on mixed sex sharing after age 10 these are purely used to assess over occupancy. I.e. If you are in a 2 bed house with two mixed sex children you would not be allowed to bid for a three bed house until one of those children reached aged 10. After age 10 you are considered to be over occupied and can bid for a larger house but there is no guarantee you will get one. Its not a law or even a rule, you could have 2 mixed sex kids in a 3 bed council house and have the kids sharing of you really wanted to, it wouldn't breach the tenancy.

problemisafunnyword · 04/01/2017 07:11

Sorry but it's a no from me.

Sadly I base that on my own experiences and we weren't even sleeping together, just watching TV in his room (under the duvet).

I blocked the memories which then came back to me in my late 20s as quite a shock. I never told anyone at all, definitely not my parents.

As I was so young I must have felt what was happening must be normal in some way. But another part of me must have known it wasn't. I know he was just 'experimenting' so I can't hold it against him. But I wish we'd never been put in that situation. I wonder if he blocked it out too? Confused

Anyway I agree with cherry. The parents should be stopping this, please do not leave the decision to the children. Their boundaries are not the same as ours.

(nc as it's the first time I've ever said anything about this)

RacoonBandit · 04/01/2017 07:32

Poor OP.

She is now probably looking at her son and thinking he is some kind of sexual deviant who will abuse his sister the second he is alone with her Sad

OP if you are still reading please don't think this about your son. You know your children and neither you or them are doing anything wrong.

cherrycrumblecustard · 04/01/2017 07:36

The problem is - and I hesitate to use the word problem - comparative situations aren't really working here. A toddler sibling climbing into bed with an older sibling or with anyone for that matter is different because toddlers don't generally have a clue about social norms. My toddler is still in a nappy, would happily strip off naked at the pool or the beach if I let her and will scream hysterically if someone does something heinous like button up her cardigan or try to hold her hand.

It's also not comparable to a holiday situation, although I have just remembered when we went on holiday when I was 12 and my brother was 14, we all had one room with two double beds and I shared with my mum and dad with brother, and believe me our parents were generally very off kilter with what was age appropriate! But then the excitement of being on holiday and the fact normal 'rules' don't apply makes it really different.

When I initially replied, I wasn't thinking along the lines of sexually inappropriate behaviour. It's more about boundary setting. This one is particularly important at this age because certainly the older one is on the cusp of puberty and no, that doesn't make him for a moment a sexual predator, but it does make him old enough to understand (gently) some things are not appropriate. Sharing a bed with someone when circumstances mean it's necessary is fine. Requesting it every night when you have a bed each suggests something is going on. I'm not thinking along the lines of sexual exploration (although it's possible) but is someone frightened? I saw a film when I was 11 that terrified me and hated sleeping alone for a bit. Is it anxiety about school or whatever?

The thing is, this isn't sharing a room, and it's also deliberate - it's not sitting on the bed watching a film and falling asleep. That gently suggests to me that the older one in particular isn't really understanding boundaries too well and he does need to.

I think for a lot of posters, they see this sort of thing as a sign of innocence, as if the tainted standards of the world haven't touched their fresh faced little poppet yet, and I don't think that's necessarily a good attitude. Becoming aware of your own personal space and other peoples, of your own sexuality and seeing that as a positive - becoming a young man or a young woman - and one who treats others with respect due them.

Ignoring the fact that your children are growing up all the time and trying to return to sugary days of toddlerhood doesn't work. I know some people like to breeze it away with 'whaaaat, they are children' but there are ages and stages in childhood just as there are in adulthood: at nineteen I was happy to do things I wouldn't appreciate now like sharing a house, or going to bed at 2 and being up at 7! It's not a big drama, not an end to innocence or the death of childhood, just yet another new journey. :)

ErnesttheBavarian · 04/01/2017 07:48

I'd let them if they want to.

My eldest 2 ds did this. They shared a single bed every night, even though they each had their own room. They were really close and loved to snuggle up. Then suddenly ds1 didn't want to anymore. Coincided with him starting secondary school /possibly puberty. Ds2 was pretty gutted tbh. Ds1 was generally a lot more distant towards him, so it was almost like a loss for him Sad

Now dd (8) has to share with ds (13) when we are on holidays, so not regular occurrences. But last night she asked if she could sleep in his room. She loves being close to him. He is not yet in puberty btw.

I reckon it will stop of its own accord soon enough OP. So you can either leave them to enjoy this last bit of snuggly childhood together. Or start weaning off, just so dd isn't too upset by a sudden break-up like my ds was.

wiltingfast · 04/01/2017 08:08

I really don't think it is a good idea. How are you supposed to know when exactly he is no longer comfortable with it? All the pressure will be on DS to say he doesn't want it any more at some point. Everyone is entitled to private space at night. I would just say no and give that as the reason.

wiltingfast · 04/01/2017 08:14

And I would personally hate their childhoods to end with some avoidable inadvertent unintentional sexual arousal or experience between them.

SarcasmMode · 04/01/2017 08:21

My faith in humanity is slowly dwindling...

TheSultanofPingu · 04/01/2017 08:32

Same here SarcasmMode

SecondsLeft · 04/01/2017 08:41

You may find one or other becomes too reliant on having someone there to sleep, and finds it hard to settle to sleep alone later (or this may be why they want to continue this). I don't know, I think I would want to encourage seperate sleeping as it is the cultural norm in the UK. It is about ages and stages as someone said upthread, and kids need us to move them on sometimes.

Evergreen17 · 04/01/2017 08:48

ConfusedConfused I am quite shocked at some of the answers.
Maybe sharing a bed everyday is not the best as it is good to be more independent but people saying he is 10 and close to puberty and he will be tempted by sister? ConfusedConfused
I didnt share a bed with my brother all the time but when on hols or something we would. I am mid thirties and would have no problem sharing with him (actually better that share with my sister who is cuddly and I hate that). He would just sleep in one corner me on the other.

Do whatever you think it is right but please dont do this:

Once on hols we were going to share because there werent enough apart from couch, actually maybe we were only sharing a room... And my uncle, very strict Catholic made the comment in front of us of how that couldnt happen, of course we were not to share, very loudly and a bit upset he was... For the first time in my life it hit me that it was supposed to be wrong and that almost changed my relationship with my brother. I never thought it was wrong. So it was bad of him to say those things like that.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/01/2017 08:55

I don't think anyone is saying there would be anything sexually predatory going on at all if siblings were to share - I myself don't think there would be BUT human curiosity about the opposite sex/bodies is normal and who is to say that in their innocence something that we know to be inappropriate would take place?

Looking and touching may not occur in a purposeful abuse type manner but it may occur due to innocent curiosity without the children even realising they are doing something wrong.

And as a PP mentioned - if this suggestion to share a bed has suddenly come from nowhere and the OPs children want it to be a regular thing then I would be questioning why they suddenly want it to happen.

Swipe left for the next trending thread