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Original poster

To ask if this is rape?

163 replies

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 13:13

Asking because I thought it was but now I'm doubting myself so please be gentle with me.

A man and a woman have known each other for a while and get on well. They have always had a very flirtatious relationship but nothing more has ever come of it than that.

One night they are both flirting with each other and joking around. He leans in to kiss her but she doesn't want to and moves away from him. He then gets pissed off and tells her to stop teasing him. He then holds her down and has sex with her despite her telling him no and to stop it but she can't struggle or fight him off.

I thought this was rape because she said no but she didn't struggle/fight him and she had been flirting with him so now am confused.

Please don't be too harsh with me.

OP posts:
Blossomdeary · 03/01/2017 20:39

No means no - however much flirting had gone on. This is rape. You have not ruined anyone's life - he had a choice - he made the wrong one. A very bad one - and a criminal one.

You need some counselling, as has already been said to help you understand your position, which is an innocent victim.

AVirginLitTheCandle · 03/01/2017 20:42

But what if it gave him the wrong idea?

It doesn't matter. He still should have stopped as soon as you said no. Any normal nice man would have stopped straight away even if he had been given the wrong idea.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/01/2017 20:45

I'm so sorry you went through this and I wish you all the strength to rebuild your life.
I'd recommend you seek counselling - you will be able to talk as much or as little as you feel ready for.

Klaphat · 03/01/2017 20:45

he's always been very protective of all the females in his life.

That's often a sign of a less than ideal attitude to women.

EyesOfYuna · 03/01/2017 20:46

Counselling often has a long waiting list so the sooner you are referred the better. Whether you feel its worthwhile once its available is up to you but at least the option would be there.

UnbornMortificado · 03/01/2017 20:49

Honestly forget his family. They will be going through nothing compared to what you are Flowers

In regards to the counselling I suffered some trauma (not sexual related) I turned down the counselling and looking back I wish I hadn't. My MH has always been shit but I ended up with PTSD.

Of course PTSD doesn't happen to everyone but if I could turn back the clock I would of give the counselling a go.

I'm really sorry this happened to you user please be kind to yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2017 20:50

Being protective is a red flag. Often a sign of ownership and/or knowledge of what 'a man' he is capable of.

It boils down to... even if he thought he was on a promise, even if you flirted and even if he thought you wanted sex... you told him you didn't want sex. And he held you there. Men aren't idiots. They can tell if someone is enthusiastically consenting. Normal men who aren't rapists like enthusiastic consent.

Teapot13 · 03/01/2017 20:54

It is not the woman's job to fight the man off if she doesn't want to have sex. She can just say "No," as you have done, and the man needs to stop.

The man shouldn't be confused by the word "No." It's pretty clear.

pklme · 03/01/2017 21:19

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong, and keep working through these questions. The things you are worrying about are normal things to worry about, but they are not your problem.

The consequences for his family are his problem. You and your family will have to live with what he did, too. He is the problem and the cause of all the trouble, not you.

Nothing that you could have done would have made what he did OK. If you had begged him for it half an hour earlier, if you had dreamed of it, it still wouldn't have been ok. You said no.

I'm so pleased you went to your sister and she knew what to do.

user1483474832 · 03/01/2017 21:32

I've been raped. Had very similar thoughts. Sadly it's almost impossible to prove as unless he said he never had sex with you there really is no evidence.

I never went to the police. My friend went to the police about rape and they didn't believe her and pressurised her into saying she had made everything up.

Kittencatkins123 · 03/01/2017 21:47

I was sexually assaulted last year. Always thought I would fight an attacker off but I didn't - I said no, asked him to stop, told him he was hurting me... it didn't make any difference. When I looked back a little afterwards I thought why didn't I fight him off, I might have been able to get him off me and got away. But I was scared, I thought he would listen and stop, I didn't want it to get worse (i.e. more violent).

I reported it and afterwards I worried similarly that no one would believe me or would wonder why I didn't fight him off but you don't have to - you made it clear that you weren't consenting and that is more than enough.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I hope you have people supporting you Flowers

pklme · 03/01/2017 21:54

I didn't have a sister to help, and I didn't go to the police. I have always felt unresolved and uncertain about it. I felt stupid and that it was my fault... I shouldn't have had that drink, flirted, gone with him, I should have fought him off somehow, I shouldn't have been so surprised/stupid/naive... If I had told you all that you would have reassured me it wasn't me, it was him. So I'm telling you- it was him. You were right and brave and strong reporting it.

Well done you.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/01/2017 22:31

You asked about 'what if I led him on'? OP.
It doesn't matter what he thinks - you said no and that should be enough.

There is no such thing as consensual/non consensual sex - there is sex and there is rape. Any incident in which either party declares a wish for it not to happen is rape.

If they've charged him the police clearly think they have enough evidence to get the cps to go ahead. That's good, but it it's by no means the end of the road.
If it comes to trial, you'll be in the dock as a witness not a victim son make sure you have friends and family to support you. Rape trials are clear evidence that English law is not geared up to support women.

Good luck, stay strong and stand your ground!!x

QueenArseClangers · 03/01/2017 22:38

My darling, you could've paraded up and down in front of him stark bollock naked and that would not give him permission to override your consent.
We believe you OP, take care Flowers

ConvincingLiar · 03/01/2017 22:44

I agree with the advice that you get specialist support. Attitudes in the police/courts have come on significantly over the last 20 years. This was clearly rape. The only question is whether he'll admit what he's done or lie about it. I hope he'll finally do the decent thing and confess.

Original poster
user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 22:47

"Being protective is a red flag. Often a sign of ownership and/or knowledge of what 'a man' he is capable of."

"That's often a sign of a less than ideal attitude to women."

Oh. I never thought of it that way before.

OP posts:
mylittlephoney · 03/01/2017 22:47

You poor thing. If course it was rape. My heart goes out to you. I froze too. Couldn't even breathe. I hope you get the help you need . Thoughts and hugs are being sent your way. Hope the bastard gets what's coming to him.

Original poster
user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 22:50

It has been a long day and I'm so tired.

This isn't the end of it is it? Sad

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 03/01/2017 22:54

If this is going to court then I would advise you get this thread deleted.

You can copy and paste the helpful comments and keep them somewhere else.

Stay strong.

RebelRogue · 03/01/2017 22:54

It's not. But that's why you need help and support. Are you in touch with any victim support? Please consider getting in touch with rape crisis. Don't hide,don't be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. I believe you FlowersFlowers

AVirginLitTheCandle · 03/01/2017 22:55

I second that Lizzie

KnittedBlanketHoles · 03/01/2017 23:01

I have phoned a rape support telephone line before and wasn't sure what I was going to say or how it would even be useful but it was and the person on they phone was kind- it's worth trying, you can always hang up if you want to?

BelarusianDoll · 03/01/2017 23:05

Yes this is rape. So sorry this happened to you. 💐

SpartacusWoman · 03/01/2017 23:23

I believe you OP Flowers

It wasn't a mistake, he knew what he was doing, you moved away, he pinned you down, you said no, you asked him to stop. He chose to ignore, he chose to rape you and if his life is ruined, it's his own fault, it's all on him and you have nothing to fell ashamed for.

Please try not to worry about him and his feelings and how it will affect him, he didn't worry about you, your feelings or how it will affect you when he chose to rape you. Hes really not worth your emotional energy, keep that for yourself Flowers

SarcasmMode · 03/01/2017 23:41

IT was rape.

The fact he was angry and the fact you moved away and the fact he held you down makes it clear he didn't misunderstand.

I'm so sorry OP.

It's horrible not to be believed.Flowers

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