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AIBU?

To ask if this is rape?

163 replies

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 13:13

Asking because I thought it was but now I'm doubting myself so please be gentle with me.

A man and a woman have known each other for a while and get on well. They have always had a very flirtatious relationship but nothing more has ever come of it than that.

One night they are both flirting with each other and joking around. He leans in to kiss her but she doesn't want to and moves away from him. He then gets pissed off and tells her to stop teasing him. He then holds her down and has sex with her despite her telling him no and to stop it but she can't struggle or fight him off.

I thought this was rape because she said no but she didn't struggle/fight him and she had been flirting with him so now am confused.

Please don't be too harsh with me.

OP posts:

Report

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 15:28

Sorry about all the typos. My keyboard has developed a mind of its own.

OP posts:

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 15:29

Do I need to get this thread deleted?

I don't want to because it's full of supportive comments but I don't want to get into trouble.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2017 15:30

OP, ignore the derailing.

What happened to you is very clearly a rape. No matter if no one else believes you and no matter if you go to Court. It is still a rape.

As for ruining someone's life... He is a rapist and they don't just do this once. The recidivism rate for sexual offences is high and if he does this again (or has done it before) and someone else reports, they will be more likely to be believed.

BastardGoDarkly · 03/01/2017 15:32

You won't get into trouble, I don't think anyway? It's anonymous.

Yes, they believe you, there's enough evidence for them to proceed, doesn't mean the cps will consider it enough to take him to court, but you don't have to worry about that.

Honestly, so well done on your bravery (I know you don't feel it)

Have a walk, then a hot chocolate or something, is your sister around to keep you company?

user1469302797 · 03/01/2017 15:35

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP.

I have a similar scenario to run past people if I may....couple are together as boyfriend and girlfriend. She is a virgin. She is scared about the first time but agrees that on a particular night they would have sex. She drinks copious amounts of alcohol and says it's going to happen but when it comes down to the actual act, she is extremely drunk. She passes out and wakes up in a pool of her own blood and is in pain. Penetration has been achieved but she remembers nothing. Is this rape? Consent was agreed upon sober as a way of "getting it over and done with" but excessive alcohol intake meant that female was no lt fully aware of actual act. This was me about 18 years ago.

Sorry to jump on your thread OP and I hope you don't mind....your thread has given me course to seek advice/confirmation.

AVirginLitTheCandle · 03/01/2017 15:37

there's enough evidence for them to proceed, doesn't mean the cps will consider it enough to take him to court

I always thought that being charged meant the CPS had decided to take the case to court. Is that not how it works?

AVirginLitTheCandle · 03/01/2017 15:38

So if someone is accused of a crime they will be arrested and questioned. Then if there is no evidence against them they will be charged and taken to court.

I could be wrong however.

AVirginLitTheCandle · 03/01/2017 15:39

Hope you're okay OP

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2017 15:39

It means they have enough evidence to press charges.
It doesn't always happen with rape cases but there is clearly enough for them to proceed which means they have a good case against him.
You need to sit down with some sweet tea and breath!!!!!
Deep breaths.
Get your sister to support you through this bit.
You've done so well and come so far already.
He is a rapist - it's that simple and you will be doing a lot of women out there a favour with your actions to follow this through.
Seriously well done.
It's not going to be easy.
Please do call rape crisis.
They can help you with the correct support through all of this!
Keep strong and keep going.
You are doing absolutely the right thing.

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/01/2017 15:49

Sending you love and support. Don't ever doubt yourself.

Keep telling them exactly what happened.

If his mother has contacted you or your sister direct asking you to withdraw tell the police. This is witness harassment.

ThisYearWillbeBetter · 03/01/2017 15:51

OP you are so brave. You are doing something good for yourself, and also for other women. You are showing that your mind and body are your own.

Is there a (usually female) police liaison officer assigned to you? Can you contact Rape Crisis? Or even just ring the Samaritans to talk it through.

I believe you We believe you.

LivingInMidnight · 03/01/2017 15:53

OP that's great news. I don't think you need to ask for the thread to be deleted, but if it would help you feel better in any way then you should feel free.

user1469302797 you were too drunk to consent. It doesn't matter that at one point you agreed the plan.

Elendon · 03/01/2017 15:53

This man is dangerous and clearly knows no bounds when it comes to consent. To rob someone of their sexual agency is a not the act of a nice person; to continue in the physical act after no consent is given is a crime. That crime is rape.

You are doing the right thing by reporting him. (sorry about contributing to the derail, but you should know there will be people like mum on the Jury, should it come to court).

ThisYearWillbeBetter · 03/01/2017 15:54

Here's a link to contact Rape Crisis - it gives a national number + ways to get in touch with local services. You are doing such a good thing. Strength to you.

Rape Crisis England & Wales

SaveYourTearsForYourPillow · 03/01/2017 15:58

Op I'd ask for this thread to be deleted. You don't want anything to compromise what happens from now on.

If you ever need any support or comforting words you can pm me and I'm sure many of the other posters on this thread will feel the same. We believe you.

ellalouise123 · 03/01/2017 16:00

You can flirt with someone and still not want to have sex with them. You are absolutely within your right to say NO at any point and the other person should stop immediately. What you described is rape. Don't be worried about ruining their life, what if they do it again to other people? This could have a profound effect on YOUR life. It's hard to tell you to stop worrying but what this person did is completely wrong.

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2017 16:01

That's a good first step OP. It means we are not the only people to believe you

As painful as it is, I would write down everything that happened, in as much detail as you possibly can. The mind can play tricks on us and stop us remembering things as time goes on. No need to delete the thread, it is anonymous. Unless you feel you need to

Jenniferb21 · 03/01/2017 16:02

Yes from what you describe. I've got a law degree and in the legal sense it is rape. The conditions to satisfy rape is the absence of consent. It is extremely clear that in saying no that there is absence of consent. Where rape cases are difficult is where there is an absence of evidence I.e no physical marks showing force/ signs of abuse/ violence on either the victim or accused (for instance bruising/ tearing on you/ cuts on him) many reports do not go to trial due to lack of evidence. However I would ALWAYS recommend that anyone who is a victim of rape report said it regardless of what evidence exists. Even if it is only reported it will help police keep a record against that person and will protect future victims.

Please get some counselling you are able to get free support from a GP referral. It will affect you later in life (most likely in future romantic relationships) if not now and having emotional help is key to you moving on and dealing with the incident.

Take care of yourself x

Jenniferb21 · 03/01/2017 16:05

Also to mention, it is totally irrelevant if you have previously flirted with him. A man can commit rape against his wife because legally committing rape means there is an absence of consent for that particular act and that act only. It does not matter if previous sexual activity has occurred. So please don't doubt yourself. If you said no or otherwise made it clear you were not giving consent it is rape.

UnbornMortificado · 03/01/2017 16:09

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

I have daughters so completely hypothetical but no I would not commit purgery (sp) to protect a rapist whatever the relation

Really hope you get a conviction

EyesOfYuna · 03/01/2017 16:15

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. 💐 Reporting it was absolutely the right thing. The process from here on is really tough so please get some support. Your gp is a good start to refer you for counselling and/or rape crisis.xx

Fluffyears · 03/01/2017 17:31

It is rape, no and stop cannot be misconstrued as maybe. Writing it down is a good idea as you will be asked questions such as how many times you said no when you said it. When did you tell him to stop? How many times? So you need to be clear and consistent.

Of course his mother thinks it's false, she trusts her son when he denies it and also on some level does not want to believe it.

I hope you are ok and keep repeating it wasn't your fault you are innocent you said no, he didn't care.

SVJAA · 03/01/2017 17:46

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I am in awe of you for being so brave and reporting him please don't let anyone make you think you've done the wrong thing, or that it wasn't rape, because you haven't and it was.
His mother raised a rapist who she is now defending so she's clearly a complete arsehole.
To the poster up thread who said they'd defend their child despite their actions, that is not what being a mum is. Being a mum is raising kids who know right from wrong, who are kind and moral and who never deliberately hurt anyone. I have 2 sons and if either of them did what this mother's son did I'd march them to the police station myself. And then realise that I had utterly failed as a parent, because if it comes to that, you have failed.

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 20:35

I think I'm safe to keep this thread up. I haven't talked about any details about the case so I think it should be fine.

I haven't had counselling and I don't see the point right now tbh. It's not like I can talk about what happened I can only talk about how it's making me feel and I don't see how that will help right now.

I still don't understand why he did this. I thought he was my friend and he's always been very protective of all the females in his life. That's why I keep thinking it must have been a mistake.

I bet his family really hate me right now with what's happened today.

OP posts:

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 20:37

"it is totally irrelevant if you have previously flirted with him"

But what if it gave him the wrong idea?

He was my friend

OP posts:

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