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AIBU?

To ask if this is rape?

163 replies

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 13:13

Asking because I thought it was but now I'm doubting myself so please be gentle with me.

A man and a woman have known each other for a while and get on well. They have always had a very flirtatious relationship but nothing more has ever come of it than that.

One night they are both flirting with each other and joking around. He leans in to kiss her but she doesn't want to and moves away from him. He then gets pissed off and tells her to stop teasing him. He then holds her down and has sex with her despite her telling him no and to stop it but she can't struggle or fight him off.

I thought this was rape because she said no but she didn't struggle/fight him and she had been flirting with him so now am confused.

Please don't be too harsh with me.

OP posts:

Report

DawnMumsnet · 01/02/2018 19:51

Hi all,

This thread was started a year ago and we don't expect the OP would want it to be reactivated now so we're going to suspend posting on it.

for the OP.

picklemepopcorn · 01/02/2018 19:46

She's posting rape petition. It's not sinister, but it is distressing to see the thread reignite when people have moved on.

RebelRogue · 01/02/2018 19:42

On rape threads only?

Ajaysmith · 01/02/2018 19:10

Sorry - was trying to reach likeminded people. I’m new to Mumsnet!

Oldraver · 01/02/2018 18:44

@Ajaysmith

Why are you resurecting old rape threads ?

moreofaslummythanyummy · 01/02/2018 18:41

Oh OP my heart is breaking for you I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug .
Please get in touch with someone to talk you through this , you have done nothing wrong .
You are not to blame at all and I am sure the police believe you .

Ajaysmith · 01/02/2018 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bananabread123 · 05/01/2017 00:07

'Thank goodness' not 'that goodness'

Bananabread123 · 05/01/2017 00:05

Borrowed

So you've said 'no' when you meant 'yes'?! That goodness that your partner didn't continue when you said 'no' and had actually meant 'no'.... By suggesting that 'no' can sometimes mean 'yes' you are being utterly irresponsible... needlessly confusing men, and potentially putting women at risk of rape, all because you think it's ok to play mind games when it comes to sexual consent.

RebelRogue · 05/01/2017 00:03

I only ever hear shit like that on here

Unless you're a victim and then all you hear is what were you wearing/doing there,why were you smiling/laughing, that you were acting like a bitch in heat(direct quote from a teacher there), how dare you wear a low cut top,no wonder they did that to you,stop kissing him/sitting on his lap, and aww he was drunk ,haha cheeky bugger how daring and amusing, maybe I shouldn't pay him as he's getting his own pay,regardless if you were 13,14 or 18 or the relationship to the abuser. Because boobs and vagina and poor confused menz.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2017 23:58

And I only hear, "calm down" from misogynists.

Sorry for the derail OP. I hope you're getting the support you need. I'm going to stop engaging now, because it's your thread. Sorry again.

Patriciathestripper1 · 04/01/2017 23:56

Op you are do brave keep strong and hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong. Well done for reporting him incase he thinks he can do this again to anyone else.
mum what horrible morals you must have that you would cover up for your son. Let's hope he dosnt grow up thinking he can do what he likes and mum will cover it all up for him so he has no consequences for his actions!!

BorrowedHearts · 04/01/2017 23:52

Calm down, I only ever hear shit like that on here. I think you need to relax and try and respond without sounding so defensive.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2017 23:35

Of course they are. All you ever bloody hear is, "what, men have to get a signed consent now?" "What men are expected to..." insert stupid thing. It all boils down to men can't be expected to either wait five minutes for sex or check that they actually have consent.

Ched got off even though he never spoke a word to the girl. Nor she to him. We have to set a higher bar than, 'I wanted a shag and presumed that was OK".

If someone 'flirtatiously said no' to me, I would sodding check. Because it's repulsive and criminal not to.

BorrowedHearts · 04/01/2017 23:05

No one is pretending that..

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2017 22:26

If a man thinks a woman could mean yes when she says no from a purely logical POV, think about the consequences. The worst consequence of being wrong and not having sex is; not having sex. The worst consequence of being wrong and still continuing is that he is now a rapist and has traumatised and abused someone.

We really need to stop pretending that men not having sex is as bad a thing as women being raped.

BorrowedHearts · 04/01/2017 22:22

I can imagine as it has happened to me, both in childhood and as an adult. I just know that I have said no without meaning it and was thinking others may have too, but clearly that isn't the case. I apologise to OP and anyone else I may have offended with my comments I meant no harm but clearly what I was saying was misguided, I am sorry I didn't mean to upset anyone especially the OP.

Millionsmom · 04/01/2017 08:13

Borrowed
As the mum of 4 grown up boys, if any of them raped/killed/drunk drived I'd still love him, but I'd report him.
I caught my son stealing from an ice cream van when he was 13, you bet I marched him to the police station.

Why should my child's actions destroy anyone but themselves.

Millionsmom · 04/01/2017 08:09

Good grief, it's 2017 and some folk don't 'get' no means NO.

Even if the woman was stark bollock naked with a neon sign pointing to her fanjo saying 'Party Central here' once she said No, he should've gone off for a wank and left her the HELL alone. Any 'life ruining' is all down to him.

OP, you are my hero.
I hope he gets locked up for a long time. But if it goes no further forward, he knows he raped you. You know it, we know it.

and best of luck for the future.

Bananabread123 · 04/01/2017 07:38

Borrowed

I really don't know what you think you're adding by your post, other than confusing the OP. You admit she's been raped, yet also appear to be asking the Op to consider if there were mitigating circumstances such as her flirting. How can this possibly be helpful.... ffs, she moved away when he tried to kiss her and held her down after she said 'no'! There's no ambiguity, no confusion, no excuse. She was raped, full stop.

The fact she may have flirted beforehand is as relevant as whether she had cornflakes for breakfast that morning, and to suggest otherwise can only possibly undermine the OPs confidence in her case and is a really, really shitty thing to have done, especially given that the OP has struggled with recognising it as rape because of the prior flirting. Saying your post is just another point of view does not magically make it ok. You should be ashamed of yourself.

OP - So sorry you've been through this. . I admire you for your bravery in reporting this. Stay strong, and please don't try to be swayed by his family or friends if they try to minimise or deny. I'd have as little contact as humanly possible with his family, or those that remain friendly with them, at this time. You need to surround yourself with people who have your back.

Truckingalong · 04/01/2017 07:19

She HAS reported it.

TinyTickler · 04/01/2017 07:03

She doesn't even need say no. This is rape and you should report it.

sashh · 04/01/2017 07:01

I still don't understand why he did this. I thought he was my friend and he's always been very protective of all the females in his life. That's why I keep thinking it must have been a mistake.

There doesn't need to be a reason why. If there is a why it has nothing to o with you, you are not the 'why'.

A mistake is putting sugar in a drink when someone doesn't want it, a mistake doesn't harm any one.

He is a rapist.

pklme · 04/01/2017 07:00

Borrowed
Please stop saying no while flirting, if you don't mean it. To those of us who said no and were ignored and over ridden, well, honestly, can you imagine?

gamerwidow · 04/01/2017 06:58

OP there is no grey area here, you said no he had sex with you anyway.
Doesn't matter what had happened previously. You could have even initiated sex and then changed your mind and said no and if would still be rape. Be strong we believe you

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