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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AIBU?

To ask if this is rape?

163 replies

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 13:13

Asking because I thought it was but now I'm doubting myself so please be gentle with me.

A man and a woman have known each other for a while and get on well. They have always had a very flirtatious relationship but nothing more has ever come of it than that.

One night they are both flirting with each other and joking around. He leans in to kiss her but she doesn't want to and moves away from him. He then gets pissed off and tells her to stop teasing him. He then holds her down and has sex with her despite her telling him no and to stop it but she can't struggle or fight him off.

I thought this was rape because she said no but she didn't struggle/fight him and she had been flirting with him so now am confused.

Please don't be too harsh with me.

OP posts:

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Ncbecauseitshard · 03/01/2017 14:29

Flirting isn't consent and men know that flirting isn't consent.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/01/2017 14:30

"He then holds her down and has sex with her despite her telling him no and to stop it"

It is totally and unambiguously rape.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope the bastard gets found guilty.

dollydaydream114 · 03/01/2017 14:30

Yes, of course it's rape. 'Flirting' isn't an invitation to sex, for a start. And if a woman moves away because she doesn't want to kiss someone, and then says 'no' when he forces himself on her, there is no possibility of there being a misunderstanding. People aren't entitled to sex because their friendship happened to be a flirtatious one. There is no grey area here - you made it clear you didn't want to kiss him and you said you didn't want sex. He was clearly aware that you weren't consenting, or he wouldn't have been pissed off when you didn't kiss him and he wouldn't have needed to hold you down.

It doesn't matter that you didn't struggle - lots of women don't. It's completely natural to freeze out of fear or disgust or simply to stay still to avoid further violence.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all and reporting it is 100% the right thing to do. Please don't doubt yourself, and perhaps consider calling Rape Crisis if you haven't already, as they will be able to offer you advice, help you get things clear in your own head and tell you where to get further help if you need it. I'm pleased that your sister was supportive.

Is this someone you still have to see - a colleague or a neighbour, for example? Are you worried for your safety? Has he spoken to you, or tried to influence you or your sister regarding your report? If so, then you must tell the police this immediately - he is absolutely not allowed to try to intimidate you in this way.

specialsubject · 03/01/2017 14:30

So sorry.

No decent person has sex with a partner who doesn't want it. One partner not wanting sex is the definition of rape. Don't worry about him, he deserves all the.punishment the law allows.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 03/01/2017 14:32

Mumoftwoyoungkids and what happens if he did it again and again? You can love someone but still despise their actions. Surely being a parent is making them own up and accept the consequences of their actions when they do something wrong?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 03/01/2017 14:37

OP don't feel guilty. People like him hide behind smiles, it's how they get people to let their guard down.

RebelRogue · 03/01/2017 14:37

OP you should also let the police know about his family contacting you and trying to get you to change your mind. That is not ok.

HighwayDragon1 · 03/01/2017 14:38

You don't have to jump out from behind a bush with a knife welding rapist for it to be 'valid' I'd you didn't explicitly say yes then it is a no. Have you seen this analogy?

Hugs OP

This was not your fault.

We believe you.

RebelRogue · 03/01/2017 14:39

Mum that is not what being a mum is. I would still love and support my DD if she did a horrible crime. I would not get in the way of justice or prevent her getting consequences for her actions. Basically what you're saying is that you'd literally let your kids "get away with murder".

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2017 14:40

If there was evidence that he had raped someone I would burn it

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/01/2017 14:41

Captain He is currently three so thankfully this is very theoretical! Happy to have the debate elsewhere (feel free to prod me on PM if it ever comes up) but don't want to derail.

Anyway - the point of my post was to ensure that the Op was aware that even if the rapist's mother knew he had done it then she would still support her son.

DJBaggySmalls · 03/01/2017 14:42

user1483448360, if oyu have any proof that his relatives contacted you and asked you to drop the case, give it to the police.
That could include texts and screen shots of messages, or emails.
It is harassment and it is illegal.

You said No, that makes what he did rape. You do not have to fight back or get beaten up. Being passive and getting through it safely is one way to survive and assault.
Men sometimes act nice and trustworthy to make you let your guard down. that doesnt mean they are nice men, it means they are good actors.

Please talk to Rape Crisis. they can support you through this.

SaveYourTearsForYourPillow · 03/01/2017 14:44

Don't feel responsible for this man op .

People will doubt you, they always do. But know there are many people out there that do and will believe you. Be strong with your conviction. What you described is 100% rape.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 03/01/2017 14:44

Apologies OP, I didn't mean to derail.

HighwayDragon1 · 03/01/2017 14:46

mum if I had evidence that DD raped someone I'd take the evidence and drag DD by the ear down to the police station.

BastardGoDarkly · 03/01/2017 14:48

Pretty sure you're in the minority there Mum

OP, you've done the right thing, your sister believes you, and so do we.

I hope you hear something soon.

HerOtherHalf · 03/01/2017 14:49

So sorry this has happened to you but please, please, please do not doubt yourself. You know exactly what it was, as does any reasonable person reading your posts, and you were absolutely right to report it.

No victim should every blame themself for not fighting hard enough either. Fear does not just elicit either a fight or flight response as is often suggested. There is an equally common 'freeze and hope they won't hurt me too much' response, often evidenced in traumatic situations where the victim feels completely overwhelmed. A lot of people will understand and believe you because a lot of people have experienced it themselves.

If his mother (or anyone else) continues to try and influence or intimidate you, either directly or through 3rd parties, then report that to the police as well.

ThisYearWillbeBetter · 03/01/2017 14:55

I have a son. If he turned up at my house with a body I would bury it. If there was evidence that he had raped someone I would burn it. I am very very law abiding (never so much as a library fine or a parking ticket). But I would always protect my kids over the law. It is what being a mum is

No it isn't. I sincerely hope you are in a complete minority of 1 on this. No woman is safe in your company or with your son, with your attitude.

ThisYearWillbeBetter · 03/01/2017 14:57

I believe you. OP Good luck & strength to you.

Rixera · 03/01/2017 14:58

This actually happened to me when I was 17.
The police were dreadful so I'll keep my fingers crossed for you but they couldn't prosecute for me- but that doesn't mean you are liar or that you will be charged with anything! It all goes on record. In fact when he sent some texts to me a year after it happened I was able to get the police to record them in the file which was still open, via an advocacy service. If he is reported by anyone else they will have all this information there.

Elendon · 03/01/2017 15:03

So Mum if your son attacked you and and stole your money would you report him? You are not a law abiding citizen and helping to dispose of a body is considered a very serious offence. I hope I don't know you in real life (but I bet some people do and think you are wonderful).

Just imagine Mum on a jury.

SomethingLikeFlying · 03/01/2017 15:07

I don't agree with burning evidence to help my son get away with rape, but I wouldn't disown him for it. Ashamed, yes. Never speak to him again, no.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/01/2017 15:24

As I said earlier - happy to discuss this on another thread - but this is not the place. (But before you go sending the SAS round to start digging up my garden for bodies I buried please note that my son is three!)

The point I was making to the Op is that the "lioness-cub" thing is very very strong. And so just because his mum says you should drop the charges it doesn't mean you should. It doesn't even mean that she doesn't believe you. It just means that she wants to protect her son.

BastardGoDarkly · 03/01/2017 15:26

Maybe start another thread then Mum ?

user1483448360 · 03/01/2017 15:27

Still in shock right now nad don't know what to think.

Found out about half an hour ago that they've got enough evidenece and they're charging him.

What does this mean? Does this mean they believe me and think he did it?

Feel like i can't brreathe and my anxiety feels really high. think I might go and get some fresh air.

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