To want dss out

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Bit of a long one sorry, will try to be brief.
Xmas eve dss 23 and his gf decided to 'bake' in the kitchen, this was after a late night blitz style cleaning fest from me the day before so I was less than amused but let it go on the understanding it would get cleaned up. Every excuse was given throughout the afternoon and evening, with various reasons why it would be done 'later'. Ultimately it wasn't cleaned up and I ended up doing on xmas morning. Dh raised the point with him and dss launched into us both complete with 'fuck offs' and a big argument erupted regards to the lack of respect being shown (this has been an ongoing problem, dh and I both at the end of our teather). Dss took himself off for a few days and in the interim sent a torrent of abuse via text which was more awful than the original outburst. Dh didn't want dss back in the house but I maintained that there must be something we have done terribly wrong if this is how dss behaves/feels/thinks is ok. Ultimately dss was allowed back home on the agreement he would keep to the rule of 'our house our rules' but has failed to apologise and has demanded we keep out of his face so as to avoid confrontation. Now he is back he is saying he shouldn't have to take being told to do things like clean his room because he is an adult, the atmosphere in the home is awful. I'm also worried younger dc will be watching and learning from his example. I guess this is more a wwyd as I'm really completely worn down by the whole thing I can't even think straight.

He obv has a passion for all things culinary

LOL. Just LOL.

Still, if he moves out, he'll have his very own kitchen to go all Gordon Ramsey in.

When he was moaning about the biscuits I suggested chutney might be better next year as it could be done in advance he knocked that down as too expensive the biscuits cost almost nothing to make.

And had he wanted to Pursue a career in catering we would have been the first to first find the best course available and then fund it, when he wanted to doncarpentry I'm sure he was the only lad on the course who dad set him up an account at the builders merchant so he could have whatever tools he needed whenever with no questions asked.

He's a spoiled brat isn't he. Carrying on like this really isn't helping him.

I once had to evict my DS it was the hardest thing to do and the best for him he says now (and he's younger than your DSS)

How terrible for you to live with this OP. He is not a child, although sounds as if he behaves like one. It will, I'm sure, be extremely difficult for your DH to tell him to move out but his behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

To be honest, I couldn't live with someone like your DSS and think at the end of my tether would be telling my DH it's either DSS or me.

I wish you the very best of luck.

I agree with rorty. I couldn't live like this, and you shouldn't have to.

Blimey, he has had it all.on a plate, hasn't he? You and your dh sound like good, decent people. But somewhere along the line, the balance has gone all wrong. Maybe spoilt, or over compensated for the break up of the original marriage. Who knows?

But something has gone very wrong with this family dynamic. I really think that for your own sanity, it really is time to step back from your DSS. Emotionally and practically.

Give him a month to find somewhere else to live. He's rude, arrogant and entitled. He's entitled alright...to a kick up the proverbial backside. His dad should be the one to do this however.

You see op. Normal service resumed. Just hope your dh doesn't end up resenting you for making him kick him out. That's your only concern methinks.

Schlong either you are projecting your own Step Mummy issues, or you are reading a different thread.

schlong, I think you are projecting here, I'm sorry if this has hit a nerve for you but you are way off with regards to my feelings or the opportunities dss has been given. I wasn't over the moon with the baking but it was the lack of respect that really cut me. As for ingratiating himself, the biscuits were our gift so it may have been better had he not moaned at his gf in front of us about having to make them!

This all sounds like my little brother ..... (Not so little now tho..31) his behaviour started like this and has got worse and worse, he is intolerable! My Parents just kept making excuses for his behaviour like he finds it hard to communicate, he struggled in school.... And now he is a awful self obsessed monster who screams and shouts, swears and says the most awful hurtful things..... And they are still making excuses for him and the more he screams the more they give him.

I know it's not as easy and as cut and dry but The best thing you can do is make him stand on his own two feet, get a job and a place to live, he cld live in a house share, prices are more reasonable than a single rental.

You may feel bad but it's the best thing you can do for him...... He will hate you and scream at you but in the long run you will save him from himself.

Sit down and talk to him, try not to belittle him, this can add to the behaviour. tell him that he should find his own place to live and then he can live by his own rules as he is an adult. Ask him what he thinks is reasonable and then Give him a deadline for moving out and still to it. if you can help him with a small contribution to his deposit and say this is our help to your new future bye! You cld say he is always welcome for dinner or too stay the odd night if needed but there are house rules and he had to abide by them.

Good luck!

I think this is half your problem OP.

He's taking the piss because he knows he can get away with it.

Your DH (and you) needs to grow a spine and get tough with him.

schlong do you honestly think the way this man is acting is ok?

Are you a man yourself by any chance?

How much have he got 'saved' from the £50 a month he's been giving you?

Tbh I'd give him 2 weeks tops to move out. Stuff in bin bags, change the locks and out he goes.

Dh admits that it took a few ended relationships with the partners all leaving for the same reasons for him to realise the problem might be with him.

What was his behaviour, did your SS grow up with that?

Your DH changed and should be helping his son to.

That still involves boundaries and conditions, which if he won't agree with, then he moves out.

You've messed up, by asking him back, but it needs to come to an end.

There's going to be a big blow up. You need to make a plan with your DH how you're going to handle it.

Do you admit to each other that you haven't handled it the best way whilst he was growing up? There needs to be a lot of honesty.

This sounds scarily like my older brother in a lot of ways - he's the definition of an irresponsible fuckwit tbh. And he has been totally enabled by my mum.

Unlike your (D)SS, he did move out fairly young - because he'd managed to get a woman with a flat pregnant (lied about his age and claimed to be several years older, they worked together so she didn't know) so sponged off her for a few years. She kicked him out, he came back to mummy. Stuck around for a couple of years, moved in with the next older woman with flat (and children), she put up with him for a few years then kicked him out, back to mummy...rinse and repeat at least another 4 times with different women and flats. One memorable return was when I was about 10 and ended up having to share a bed with my mum for months because he was using my room - he was eventually thrown out that time because he came home pissed as a fart and got violent and aggressive to the extent we had to barricade ourselves in the room but that was only after months of me tiptoeing around him. Younger siblings are not immune.

I'm quite a bit younger - 15 years - so when I moved out of home at 17 he was in his early 30s, and offered to move in with me (I had secured a 2 bed council place) where he promptly refused to pay council tax, or bills except a contribution to rent because he'd been (fraudulently) claiming HB and CTB at his previous flat and didn't see why he should be worse off. He'd been living with me for a couple of months when he started bringing people home to party when I was working the next day and leaving abusive letters. After I stood up to him he came home, pissed as a fart, and started threatening my then boyfriend. I told him the next day he'd have to leave, he started yelling abuse and shouting about squatters rights. I got a locksmith out that night when he was at work.

He went back to mummy. Again.

Since then I think he's moved in and out of my mum's at least 5 times - he's now in his mid 40s and his latest trick is getting jobs abroad, moving to far flung places for commission only roles, staying a few months and coming back utterly skint...and moving back in with Mummy, who is now a pensioner who he scrounges off.

He's had more jobs than I've had hot dinners, and if he wrote out his CV accurately I reckon it would rival the King James Bible in length. Every job he gets is "the one" and "going to make him a millionaire" (normally dodgy sales roles...he tried to sell my mum who was on benefits a Kirby vacuum for £2k), and every time he loses one he's so hard done by. He also knows everything about everything - I work in a professional role in financial services, have done for years, have a degree and postgrad qualifications. He worked in a sales roles overseas for 3 months and came home lecturing about how I know nothing about economics. He's been a chef (not), a computer wizard (not), a stockbroker (salesman), commodities trader (salesman)...

He got himself deported from Indonesia for overstaying his visa (but it wasn't his fault, it was his mean boss and and and)

He's currently overseas again but talking about coming back. He threw a strop at my mum the other day because she didn't answer when he called her - she was on the phone to someone else and when she explained this he said "he should be top priority."

He's also a sexist knobber who thinks women should serve him, believes in the man as the head of the family, and so on.

The point of all of that...this is your future if you do not stand up to him NOW and make him grow up. My mum has enabled this crap for decades, and now finds herself as a pensioner stuck in a small flat with a boomerang son who moves back, runs up debts, eats and drinks her out of house and home and treats her like crap. She's had numerous opportunities to make a stand but she never has.

30 days notice was exactly what i was thinking.

Sorry OP, but Reading all your posts makes me feel a lot better about my spolit, arse hole of a brother and my enabling mother. There is some good advice here..... Having lived this nightmare with my own family, I would definitely open the door and send him on his way.

Statistically challenged - omg that made me feel much better ...or worse.....if that's what I have to look forward to!! Your db makes dss look like a saint.

I'm afraid I think my DB is just your DSS in 20 years if he carries on! He's got worse with age - more pompous, more sexist, more full of himself and more entitled. The more he's got away with the further he pushes; I think my mum letting him move back in after he was aggressive to his much younger sister (me) was a bit of a turning point as once he knew that would be tolerated then there really seemed to be no limit.

He currently wants to open a bar in Spain somewhere. I don't think his epic job history actually includes bar work at all.

My husband's cousin has been left unchecked. He was enabled by both his parents and never had a proper job, never moved out of home, treated his parents very badly. He ended up in prison for punching his father - we assume it wasn't a first offence. His father was abusive to his mother. He now lives with his mother as his parents divorced when his father reported him to the police for assault. Before his maternal grandma died, his mother had power of attorney and stole tens of thousands from her at his behest (she would not have done this of her own volition). He has strangled her at least twice that I know of and hits her. She refuses to report him to the police. She left one abuser for a far more tyrannous one. He has depleted all of her savings from the sale of the marital house from the divorce, spending it on fine living, drink and drugs. He is an alcoholic, just about to hit 40.

As statisticallychallenged has demonstrated, there is a big danger to leaving a child/young person's behaviour unchecked. You are in danger of actually helping to ruin his life. You and your husband are parents. Not friends. It is not yet too late to parent this young adult, who has lost his way. It is too late for my husband's cousin.

Looks like you and DH have done a lot for him and always the ones to try work things out when it should be your ss calling to apologise at the very least. You can't teach him to grow up, he has to do that himself. He sounds abusive and entitled. Like others have said, ask him to move out (a month is probably a decent notice). Let him find his own new place, don't do the work for him. If he's not earning enough he'll have to resort to a house share or help from the council, either way not really your problem. Can't believe he's been speaking and acting the way he does all this time and not made to move out. If he refuses by the way, you have every right to get authorities involved and force him out.

It doesn't sound like this set up is doing anyone any favours. The best thing you can do for him must surely be to make him grow up and stand on his own two feet so that he can become a fully fledged adult responsible for himself and his life. You may never get the relationship you want with him but at least you will know you have done the best for him as parents. He is an adult not a child but at least he is 23 not 33...(yet).

Your DSS is soon going to be one of those men being posted about on the Relationships board.