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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dss out

203 replies

Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 09:11

Bit of a long one sorry, will try to be brief.
Xmas eve dss 23 and his gf decided to 'bake' in the kitchen, this was after a late night blitz style cleaning fest from me the day before so I was less than amused but let it go on the understanding it would get cleaned up. Every excuse was given throughout the afternoon and evening, with various reasons why it would be done 'later'. Ultimately it wasn't cleaned up and I ended up doing on xmas morning. Dh raised the point with him and dss launched into us both complete with 'fuck offs' and a big argument erupted regards to the lack of respect being shown (this has been an ongoing problem, dh and I both at the end of our teather). Dss took himself off for a few days and in the interim sent a torrent of abuse via text which was more awful than the original outburst. Dh didn't want dss back in the house but I maintained that there must be something we have done terribly wrong if this is how dss behaves/feels/thinks is ok. Ultimately dss was allowed back home on the agreement he would keep to the rule of 'our house our rules' but has failed to apologise and has demanded we keep out of his face so as to avoid confrontation. Now he is back he is saying he shouldn't have to take being told to do things like clean his room because he is an adult, the atmosphere in the home is awful. I'm also worried younger dc will be watching and learning from his example. I guess this is more a wwyd as I'm really completely worn down by the whole thing I can't even think straight.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 03/01/2017 11:14

Don't do anything for him

No washing, no cooking, no cleaning. Nothing

Dh can do it if he wants to be the good parent but I bet he won't do it.

JumpingJellybeanz · 03/01/2017 11:17

He knows just how to bait me

So don't bite, tune him out, and repeat yourself.

eg

You/Your DH: Because of your disrespect you need to move out by the end of the month.
Him: I'm not disrespectful, you are blah blah blah blah blah (tune it out until he's done)
You/Your DH: The decision has been made, you need to move out by the end of the month.
Him: Rage, blah, rage blah blah blah ad infinitum
You/Your DH: The decision has been made, you need to move out by the end of the month.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. No other response. The more you do it, the easier it'll get.

lyricaldancer · 03/01/2017 11:19

I agree with you about keeping the room clean, £50 a week or not. On skim reading the OP I thought we were talking about a teenager.

I'm afraid under the circumstances I would be asking him to leave. It's not fair on the rest of the household to have this behaviour inflicted on them

amusedbush · 03/01/2017 11:21

He sounds like a total arsehole. At 23 I got a new job and moved across the country to live with my now DH after three years of - shock horror - flatshares. Too fucking bad if he doesn't want to share, that's how most people get their foot in the door of independence.

I'd give him a month to sort himself out and then change the locks.

honeysucklejasmine · 03/01/2017 11:23

Blimey, I had my own house at 23! Kick him out, the abusive little man child.

user1471545174 · 03/01/2017 11:23

Four weeks' notice, from your DH.

No discussions - he is just pushing buttons and they aren't relevant.

Once he's out, block him on FB. He shouldn't be mocking and inhibiting you for being kind-hearted. That is the problem though, and he know it.

rollonthesummer · 03/01/2017 11:23

What does he do/earn?

I would tell DH to go in there and say to him that he's got till the end of the month to find somewhere else to live because you cannot go on living like this.

user1471545174 · 03/01/2017 11:23

*knows

BastardGoDarkly · 03/01/2017 11:25

So op, what are you going to do?

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 11:25

One of the big things dss hates about me is that dh changed for me. Dh admits that it took a few ended relationships with the partners all leaving for the same reasons for him to realise the problem might be with him. Dss see it as me having dh under the thumb but in reality it just that dh has learnt to listen and compromise.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 03/01/2017 11:26

DH needs to tell him that. It sounds like your DH needs to take charge.

How long has he lived with you? Did he ever live with his mum?

Oldraver · 03/01/2017 11:28

You need to get your DH to kick him out TODAY....no six months pandering to him

amusedbush · 03/01/2017 11:28

Oh, and I moved into my first flatshare when I was earning £900 a month, so he really doesn't have much of an excuse even if his partying has left him lower on the career ladder than he'd like.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 03/01/2017 11:28

I'm Shock at reading this.

He needs to leave - you are only enabling his behaviour and he clearly has anger issues that your other kids don't need to be around.

Can you not save up the the deposit for a rental flat so he can move out?

Tough shit if he feels he can't afford it he will have to.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 03/01/2017 11:29

He sounds dreadful by the way and you and Dh are being his enablers

hungryhippo90 · 03/01/2017 11:30

I've only read the first page, I was chucked out of my parents house at 17 (I'd asked that my sisters not wake up and do all they could to wake up DD or myself, as we had been up in the night- well how dare I?!)

So at 23 he will more than manage.

Maybe he will need to move into somewhere with his girlfriend and they pay halves, or he may need to rent a bedsit. He will have to find a way.

He sounds like an absolute shitbag to be honest. He's got a lot of growing up to do... far more than most 23 year olds I've known!

scallopsrgreat · 03/01/2017 11:33

I think you need to accept that no matter what you do you will always be painted as "the bad guy" by him. He is behaving like a classic abuser. Nothing is ever his fault. The world revolves around him. Turns everything back on to you. And he's been violent (yes sticking his hand in your face and telling you to STFU is violence).

Someone upthread said about not engaging with him,. Totally agree. When you do confront him, don't engage with him when he tries to turn it around on to your behaviour or how hard done by he is. Just keep repeating that this is about his unacceptable behaviour and that it is no longer a possibility that he live with you. If he does try and turn it on to you making a swing for him - tell him that is what sealed the deal. That relations had deteriorated so much that he resorted to violence and you very nearly did. an indication that living together isn't working. A few stock phrases may help. Writing it down may help clarify for you and your partner what you want out of the conversation. And help you keep on track.

You asked about how you teach someone to grow up - give them consequences. He has this sense of entitlement because he has never had to face any consequences for his actions. It may not work - or it may require many of these types of conversations and consequences but pandering to him and working around him will NEVER work.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 03/01/2017 11:33

He's not someone I would want to flat share with.

CoraPirbright · 03/01/2017 11:33

How long ago did he leave his mum's? Why did she kick him out?

He sounds utterly ghastly and the more you type about him the worse it gets. I would give him a deadline of a month to find somewhere else and kick him out. I would also be having a quiet word wth the girlfriend - sounds like she has learnt to walk on egg shells around him too and that is hardly healthy.

Inertia · 03/01/2017 11:34

Why are you even engaging with him though? It isn't open to negotiation or discussion- he is abusing you in your own home, he needs to move out.

He has no hold over you other than the hold you let him have. You didn't hit him, it sounds as though you moved in self defence to protect yourself and your husband stepped in anyway.

Your stepson won't like either your or DH because you let him treat you like something he stepped in. He clearly doesn't like either of you now, he is just using you.

I wouldn't give him a week to calm down - wtf is that about? You and your children have to live in fear in your house for a week because your stepson didn't like the consequences of his own actions ?

It would be generous to give him a week to move out.

You and your husband are enabling your stepson's abusive, bullying behaviour. You are the only people who can remove this from your lives, because your stepson sure as hell won't change. It's patently evident to him that being threatening , abusive and disrespectful to women gets you a cheap luxury room, a servant to clean up for you, an inert target for your abuse and money in the bank.

Letseatgrandma · 03/01/2017 11:35

I had a friend when I was a teenager who started behaving very aggressively to his parents when he got to about 17/18-after a row, he told his mum to fuck off. His dad said, 'don't you ever say that to your mother again' and hit him so hard he knocked him over.

He stopped behaving like an idiot after that and gets on very well with both parents.

I am no way suggesting that physical violence is ever a solution, but I do feel you're letting him walk all over you. Your DH needs to man up and say (not hit!) that enough is enough. Now. Today.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 03/01/2017 11:39

OMG Get rid!! Stop being a pushover. It sounds like you don't want to be the 'bad guy' by throwing him out.

He is 23!! He has no respect for you, sounds like he doesn't even like you.

You are walking on eggshells in your own house Shock

If you wouldn't accept this behaviour from your own child why would you accept this from a grown man. Your DP should have kicked him out when he got in your face.

user1483387154 · 03/01/2017 11:40

Either kick him out or set up a renting contract where he pays 1/3 of every single bill, pays the going rate for house share rent and is responsible for buying his own food, doing his own cooking and cleaning and his own laundry etc. If he does not comply then he should leave.

You have been letting him get away with murder and he doesnt want it to change. he sounds extremely manipulative and you need to stand your ground. At 23 lots of people rent or their own or have their own mortgage.

diddl · 03/01/2017 11:41

"Now he is using this as proof I'm the one who has wronged him"

What-you went to hit him, but didn't???!!!

Even though it is his room that he his paying for, I still don't think that he should keep it in such a state that it smells.

That's what you do in your own house (if at all) so that no one else is affected!

Get rid!

All he has to do is keep his room unsmelly & not be abusive.

Does he think that that won't apply anywhere else?

Well, let him find out!

hungryhippo90 · 03/01/2017 11:42

Just skimmed the rest of the thread. He sounds disgustingly vitriolic towards you, and somewhat towards his father.

That £50 you've saved each month for him. Transfer it to the brats bank account and change the locks on him.

I wouldn't want that kind of behaviour against me, in my own house. What the fuck is your husband thinking? 6 months? Oh and you need to keep out of the stinky fuckers way.

No. no. No. no!! Your husband needs a talking to aswell. You should not have had to put up with the events you've described. Let alone 6months more!

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