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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want dss out

203 replies

Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 09:11

Bit of a long one sorry, will try to be brief.
Xmas eve dss 23 and his gf decided to 'bake' in the kitchen, this was after a late night blitz style cleaning fest from me the day before so I was less than amused but let it go on the understanding it would get cleaned up. Every excuse was given throughout the afternoon and evening, with various reasons why it would be done 'later'. Ultimately it wasn't cleaned up and I ended up doing on xmas morning. Dh raised the point with him and dss launched into us both complete with 'fuck offs' and a big argument erupted regards to the lack of respect being shown (this has been an ongoing problem, dh and I both at the end of our teather). Dss took himself off for a few days and in the interim sent a torrent of abuse via text which was more awful than the original outburst. Dh didn't want dss back in the house but I maintained that there must be something we have done terribly wrong if this is how dss behaves/feels/thinks is ok. Ultimately dss was allowed back home on the agreement he would keep to the rule of 'our house our rules' but has failed to apologise and has demanded we keep out of his face so as to avoid confrontation. Now he is back he is saying he shouldn't have to take being told to do things like clean his room because he is an adult, the atmosphere in the home is awful. I'm also worried younger dc will be watching and learning from his example. I guess this is more a wwyd as I'm really completely worn down by the whole thing I can't even think straight.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 03/01/2017 11:43

Abused child?!?! He's 23!

Tell him he has to move out by the end of the month, and don't engage in any other discussions. Let him rant and rave. Just keep repeating the living situation is no longer working, he's an adult, he has to move out. Ad nauseum.

Crowdblundering · 03/01/2017 11:43

DS is 19 and he lives with us.

Have had issues but all quite calm ATM - he pays £200 a month.

I don't nag about his room but expect him to keep his bathroom clean (brand new) and I expect to know if he is coming home and if he wants to eat.

It is really really hard having a "grown adult" who is still a/your child living with you and you have my sympathies.

YouTheCat · 03/01/2017 11:44

I think your dh needs to understand that nothing he does or doesn't do is going to make his son like and respect him. He may grow up and realise what a total arse he's been but, at this point, chucking him out this week is your only option. He won't calm down after a week. He won't spend a month looking for a flat. He'll take it all right up to the deadline and do nothing then expect you just to roll over and let him stay.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 03/01/2017 11:50

If I was in your position OP I would be telling my husband that his son leaves, or I do.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 03/01/2017 11:51

He's not someone I would want to flat share with.

He's not someone I'd want to have sex with either but he's lucked out there so there's a good chance he'll find some poor sap to flatshare with.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/01/2017 11:52

There is so much bad blood between you now I don't think it's ever going to be easy living together.

He needs to go. You do not need to prop up his living standards - that is what we do ourselves once we reach a certain age - but if done for us then we never learn the need to achieve these things.

Miserylovescompany2 · 03/01/2017 11:55

Let him go and learn to be a responsible adult. What you have living under your roof is a very manipulative man-baby who is chucking all his toys out the pram. You can't reason with the unreasonable, you only damage yourself trying. Please don't throw money at this, because it will only enable the behaviour to continue.

He needs to live within his means, if that is a house share, so be it! I would also try to distance myself emotionally from him. Because, if you don't you'll get hoovered into any argument which sucks you dry emotionally. He will systematically button press with you until you react. Don't bite the bait. Stay consistent and be firm. Set a deadline. Offer to help look for suitable rooms. Don't go with him. If it goes tits up, he can't throw it back in your face.

I'd also be upping the rate of his room. £50 per week for a room with ensuite etc is far too low. I'd be charging at least £85 and putting £50 away. If he has any additional food requests? Let him fund his own tastes.

If the deadline is reached and no progress has been made? I'd be changing the locks and having a bag packed ready for him.

Regards to future relationship with him??? He doesn't respect you now, so you haven't anything to loose. If anything you've got loads to gain including getting your self-respect back.

He's already pushed you beyond your limits OP. Enough already, draw a line...

liletsthepink · 03/01/2017 11:59

Your mistake was letting the brat back in the house when DH didn't want to. You need to tell DH that you were wrong and you now agree with him that DSS needs to move out immediately.

A house share will be good for DSS but make sure that you and DH don't sign up as guarantors for the rent payment.

If one of my DC behaved like your DSS towards anyone I would be deeply ashamed that I had raised such a selfish, nasty individual. Ask your DH if he likes the person that his son is and if not, can he see that tough love is necessary to try to change things.

Atenco · 03/01/2017 12:05

I think you and your dh have infantalised him and not taught him the consequences of his actions.

I think an adult child living with their parents has to act like an adult and this young man is not. He physically threatens a woman and then claims to be an abused child because you reacted??

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 12:08

Thanks so much for all the responses, everything you are saying is so right, it's just so hard to implement, also I think dh might not truely understand how sickenly awful it is to have to live like this. I'm often accused of looking around to have something to moan about but actually I only raise a fraction of issues, maybe my inconsistent approach makes it look like I'm randomly nit picking. In reality I'm just exhausted

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/01/2017 12:09

Make a daily list and present it to your dh.

MeadowHay · 03/01/2017 12:10

as some kind of proof that he is an abused child

Haven't RTFT, but I think this is really important; he's not a child, that's the problem. He wants all the freedoms of being an adult but none of the responsibilities, he is the definition of a manchild!! We rent a flat and have two guinea pigs. I'm a full-time student with a part-time job and DH is a graduate who now works full-time. We do occasionally get support both monetary and otherwise from my parents, but we live a 3hr train journey away from them and the rest of the family, and DH's parents are both NC with him. We are looking at getting a dog now too and I graduate in summer and obviously hope to start full-time employment then. We will probably move back to our home city in the summer but we will be renting our own place again. Your DSS needs to grow up and I think if he entered the 'real world' as they say he would be able to do this, I don't think you are doing him any favours by enabling his abusive, immature behaviour.

MeadowHay · 03/01/2017 12:14

Woops, meant to say DH and I are the same age as your DSS. ^

coconutpie · 03/01/2017 12:16

I agree with a pp - tell DH either your stepson moves out or else you will. Stop putting up with this shit - as someone else said, it is domestic abuse.

rollonthesummer · 03/01/2017 12:20

I agree with a pp - tell DH either your stepson moves out or else you will. Stop putting up with this shit

I agree. I wouldn't put up with this for another day.

user1471470316 · 03/01/2017 12:23

OP - read your own messages back to yourself.

Your DSS does not respect you or your husband and he must assume that you have little respect for yourselves in allowing him to behave like this in your home. In short, he behaves like this, because he can.

Friends of my parents have a child who sounds like your son is and are still making allowances for this utter bullshit now she is in her 40's.

Something has to give and for once, it shouldn't be you.

Although it's hard - and you'll worry - it's time you stood firm. Set a date from when you would like him to leave and do not waver. Tell him that he must find a solution to where he lives. Then grit your teeth through the inevitable emotional blackmail and acting like a two year old who doesn't get his own way.

This adult man needs to learn (if later in life) that actions have consequences - and he cannot stop treating you both like mugs any longer.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/01/2017 12:29

Tell him he can't live with you anymore. Six more months, I don't think so. In theory he can still come on the holiday but be living elsewhere - however the atmosphere between you all must be so poor it seems crazy to include him - but that's up to DH.

Give him a date by which he has to be out. DH can tell him he loves him and wishes him well but his behaviour cost him living under the same roof.
You tried to give DSS a second chance but that gesture blew up in your face.

He said himself, he's an adult now. This could be a valuable lesson. Being mugged off for most of the time except occasionally when he decides to butter you both up to pay for something, not nice.

JinnanTonik · 03/01/2017 12:29

I feel for you OP, what an awful situation, I can appreciate you don't want to 'be mean' but tough love is what is required here.

I would not tolerate being spoken to like that, he would have been out on his ear (permanently) that day. YOU don't have to tolerate it.

I wouldn't take the ungrateful sod on holiday either! When are you going? You need him out before you go away and locks changed! He's an adult, bet he wouldn't dream of speaking to his GFs parents like that!

Give him a deposit if it eases DHs conscience BUT that's it.....offski!

Good luck Flowers

SouthWindsWesterly · 03/01/2017 12:39

If he wants a live in housekeeper, he needs tomoaymoore than £50 a week for a hug double room with en suite. You are doing him no favours for the real world. Either he pays more and does his share, or he gets out. Give him notice and stop letting him gaslight you.

P1nkP0ppy · 03/01/2017 12:41

So he's an abusive, intimidating, bullying privileged brat who needs a swift kick in the arse and being told to bugger off.
You're doing him no favours by making excuses and clearly he's got no intention of changing.
Kick him out.

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 03/01/2017 12:45

Just to give you an idea of where things now stand, dss has a small roof terrace attached to his room, dh went to speak to him yesterday and he had a sulk because dh said no he couldn't build an extension out over said roof to put a kitchen in so his room could become a self contained flat! Ffs then we'd never get him out.

OP posts:
Aftertheraincomesthesun · 03/01/2017 12:48

The conversation should go like this 'look dss, you have a month to leave. Here's a link to spare room.com and here's the deposit on a room to help you on your way. Sorry, but you've pissed on your chips so it's nonnegotiable.'

Ncbecauseitshard · 03/01/2017 12:50

You wouldn't keep a partner in the house that was that abusive.
23 is old enough to go, he just doesn't believe you'd do it.

LaurieMarlow · 03/01/2017 12:50

Show him the freaking door OP.

There are toddlers out there showing more maturity.

FeralBeryl · 03/01/2017 12:56

Oh OP how awful Sad
Consistency is definitely the key here.
Do not infantilise him in any way - cleaning room as a punishment etc. He cleans his room because it's fucking filthy, end of. Don't link it to his behaviour.

Communicate regularly with DH about this, but accept that he's chosen the role of martyr and is flogging himself over something he must have done wrong to cause this. It's a tricky balance between empathising whilst booting him up the arse.

Just to add - MIL had this kind of behaviour from BIL, she is a total hand wringer when it comes to him, this in turn means that whenever his life doesn't go exactly to plan, he bombards her with abusive texts/voicemails about how it's all her fault and she's ruined his life. He is 34 and functions totally fine everywhere else. He sets foot over her door and turns into Kevin the Teenager from Harry Enfield.

Please, for the sake of your sanity, your marriage and your other children, nip this in the bud.

I'd arrange a meeting, off campus at a restaurant, cafe and tell him what is going to happen and why. Give him a simple choice, act with respect for your family and possessions or find other accommodation.